How to handle parents and in laws that don't like each other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest - are your in-laws being reasonable? You say your in-laws "are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions." Does that mean your mother has treated your in-laws poorly?

If so - you invite your in-laws. And maybe your dad if that logistically makes sense and he's not part of the problem. Your mom can't get along, she misses out.

If they're both being unreasonable (ie, if your in-laws got a wiff of not being liked and are over reacting) then you invite them both and make them figure it out or they can choose to not come. Not your problem.

OP here. I mean, my ILs aren't wrong - my mom doesn't like them and she's pretty obvious about it. Basically will look right at them and act like they don't exist. Or not say hello even when spoken to. I mean, she hasn't like made a huge scene or anything, but she makes things VERY uncomfortable and then she or my dad make sure to let me know all of their grievances about the interaction after the fact. It's exhausting.

Your mother is being childish and narcissistic. Your in-laws are only responding to being treated like dirt for years.

So, you need to explain to your mother that she needs to grow up and learn to behave with a minimum of courtesy towards your in-laws or they will get invited to all events for the grandchildren, and she will only be invited when the other grandparents are not coming. You can alternate holidays like many people do, one gets Thanksgiving and one gets Christmas each year and you alternate years. But for joint events like concerts, recitals, graduations, performances, etc, the other grandparents will be invited first and only if they are not coming, will you invite your mother. If the performance has more than one day, you can invite them on different days, but she will be the B-list to the other grandparents A-list until she learns to behave better.

Then let her behave and you can determine if and when it is safe to invite her to future events.

[Anonymous]

You try to do some things separately, but you also have events where you invite them all and let them decide if they want to come. Respect the decision. If mom asks if MIL will be there, be honest. Do not engage with "Why'd you invite HER?????" If she announces she isn't coming say "thanks for letting me know." If she insists you have another event just for her, decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest - are your in-laws being reasonable? You say your in-laws "are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions." Does that mean your mother has treated your in-laws poorly?

If so - you invite your in-laws. And maybe your dad if that logistically makes sense and he's not part of the problem. Your mom can't get along, she misses out.

If they're both being unreasonable (ie, if your in-laws got a wiff of not being liked and are over reacting) then you invite them both and make them figure it out or they can choose to not come. Not your problem.

OP here. I mean, my ILs aren't wrong - my mom doesn't like them and she's pretty obvious about it. Basically will look right at them and act like they don't exist. Or not say hello even when spoken to. I mean, she hasn't like made a huge scene or anything, but she makes things VERY uncomfortable and then she or my dad make sure to let me know all of their grievances about the interaction after the fact. It's exhausting.

Okay, then they both need to suck it up. And you need to cut your parents off when they complain and make clear that you are uninterested in hearing their grievances. If your parents are ignoring your in-laws, that's rude, but not abusive or anything. Your in-laws can just ignore them right back, and they can all behave like adults otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest - are your in-laws being reasonable? You say your in-laws "are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions." Does that mean your mother has treated your in-laws poorly?

If so - you invite your in-laws. And maybe your dad if that logistically makes sense and he's not part of the problem. Your mom can't get along, she misses out.

If they're both being unreasonable (ie, if your in-laws got a wiff of not being liked and are over reacting) then you invite them both and make them figure it out or they can choose to not come. Not your problem.

OP here. I mean, my ILs aren't wrong - my mom doesn't like them and she's pretty obvious about it. Basically will look right at them and act like they don't exist. Or not say hello even when spoken to. I mean, she hasn't like made a huge scene or anything, but she makes things VERY uncomfortable and then she or my dad make sure to let me know all of their grievances about the interaction after the fact. It's exhausting.

I would invite my in-laws then. It’s not fair for your mothers behavior to ruin everything. Your in-laws haven’t done anything wrong. If she asks why they got to go, be honest.

[Anonymous]

Invite them both, but tell them if they can’t be civil you’ll stop inviting them to anything. If they act like children, treat them accordingly. You can’t go to the party because you made a scene at the last one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest - are your in-laws being reasonable? You say your in-laws "are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions." Does that mean your mother has treated your in-laws poorly?

If so - you invite your in-laws. And maybe your dad if that logistically makes sense and he's not part of the problem. Your mom can't get along, she misses out.

If they're both being unreasonable (ie, if your in-laws got a wiff of not being liked and are over reacting) then you invite them both and make them figure it out or they can choose to not come. Not your problem.

OP here. I mean, my ILs aren't wrong - my mom doesn't like them and she's pretty obvious about it. Basically will look right at them and act like they don't exist. Or not say hello even when spoken to. I mean, she hasn't like made a huge scene or anything, but she makes things VERY uncomfortable and then she or my dad make sure to let me know all of their grievances about the interaction after the fact. It's exhausting.

I would invite my in-laws then. It’s not fair for your mothers behavior to ruin everything. Your in-laws haven’t done anything wrong. If she asks why they got to go, be honest.

Op here. Oh god the hysterics that will ensue…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People telling the OP to tell her mother to cut it out do not have a narcissist for parent. She won't act any different.

You seem to feel your ILs are normal people. I would have an honest conversation with them and say I understand the way my mother is, please just don't engage with her. Thanks for understanding.

And then invite all of them and it's their problem.

People like the OP's narcissist mom are fueled by making all situations about them, furthering the script they have in their head of how everything should go, and people generally responding to their manipulations. ILs should ignore her and so should you.

OP here. Yes, this is a pretty accurate take on the situation. Plus my mom just generally has a problem with most people unless they fawn all over her.

Fine, but that's her issue to deal with.

Since she is admittedly the problem you need to tell her she's the problem, that she needs to act civil, and that you aren't hearing any list of grievances afterward. And then follow through if she tries to bring up all the ways she was done wrong. Don't worry about her. YOU change and stop putting up with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest - are your in-laws being reasonable? You say your in-laws "are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions." Does that mean your mother has treated your in-laws poorly?

If so - you invite your in-laws. And maybe your dad if that logistically makes sense and he's not part of the problem. Your mom can't get along, she misses out.

If they're both being unreasonable (ie, if your in-laws got a wiff of not being liked and are over reacting) then you invite them both and make them figure it out or they can choose to not come. Not your problem.

OP here. I mean, my ILs aren't wrong - my mom doesn't like them and she's pretty obvious about it. Basically will look right at them and act like they don't exist. Or not say hello even when spoken to. I mean, she hasn't like made a huge scene or anything, but she makes things VERY uncomfortable and then she or my dad make sure to let me know all of their grievances about the interaction after the fact. It's exhausting.

I would invite my in-laws then. It’s not fair for your mothers behavior to ruin everything. Your in-laws haven’t done anything wrong. If she asks why they got to go, be honest.

Op here. Oh god the hysterics that will ensue…

DP here. So, if one of your children was behaving poorly, and you gave consequences and they got all dramatic and hysterical, how would you respond?

Your mother is behaving childishly. You need to enact consequences for her behavior, but you are being a doormat and letting her get away with it at the expense of your in-laws. You want to find out how to get a bad relationship with your in-laws. Let your mother behave rudely to them and don't do anything to stop her. Right now they don't like her. Pretty soon they will start disliking you and treating you poorly because you let your mother abuse them.

You need to grow up and take control of the situation. Your mother clearly will not grow up and behave maturely, so you need to be the mature and responsible party. Stop letting her get away with that behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest - are your in-laws being reasonable? You say your in-laws "are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions." Does that mean your mother has treated your in-laws poorly?

If so - you invite your in-laws. And maybe your dad if that logistically makes sense and he's not part of the problem. Your mom can't get along, she misses out.

If they're both being unreasonable (ie, if your in-laws got a wiff of not being liked and are over reacting) then you invite them both and make them figure it out or they can choose to not come. Not your problem.

OP here. I mean, my ILs aren't wrong - my mom doesn't like them and she's pretty obvious about it. Basically will look right at them and act like they don't exist. Or not say hello even when spoken to. I mean, she hasn't like made a huge scene or anything, but she makes things VERY uncomfortable and then she or my dad make sure to let me know all of their grievances about the interaction after the fact. It's exhausting.

I would invite my in-laws then. It’s not fair for your mothers behavior to ruin everything. Your in-laws haven’t done anything wrong. If she asks why they got to go, be honest.

Op here. Oh god the hysterics that will ensue…

Oh well. That’s why she is the way she is. Either you put your foot down or be miserable during interactions for the next however many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest - are your in-laws being reasonable? You say your in-laws "are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions." Does that mean your mother has treated your in-laws poorly?

If so - you invite your in-laws. And maybe your dad if that logistically makes sense and he's not part of the problem. Your mom can't get along, she misses out.

If they're both being unreasonable (ie, if your in-laws got a wiff of not being liked and are over reacting) then you invite them both and make them figure it out or they can choose to not come. Not your problem.

OP here. I mean, my ILs aren't wrong - my mom doesn't like them and she's pretty obvious about it. Basically will look right at them and act like they don't exist. Or not say hello even when spoken to. I mean, she hasn't like made a huge scene or anything, but she makes things VERY uncomfortable and then she or my dad make sure to let me know all of their grievances about the interaction after the fact. It's exhausting.

I would invite my in-laws then. It’s not fair for your mothers behavior to ruin everything. Your in-laws haven’t done anything wrong. If she asks why they got to go, be honest.

Op here. Oh god the hysterics that will ensue…

DP here. So, if one of your children was behaving poorly, and you gave consequences and they got all dramatic and hysterical, how would you respond?

Your mother is behaving childishly. You need to enact consequences for her behavior, but you are being a doormat and letting her get away with it at the expense of your in-laws. You want to find out how to get a bad relationship with your in-laws. Let your mother behave rudely to them and don't do anything to stop her. Right now they don't like her. Pretty soon they will start disliking you and treating you poorly because you let your mother abuse them.

You need to grow up and take control of the situation. Your mother clearly will not grow up and behave maturely, so you need to be the mature and responsible party. Stop letting her get away with that behavior.

DP. I kind of agree with setting limits on mom’s behavior, but it’s not exactly the same as setting limits on your child’s behavior. Children don’t typically retaliate and begin to abuse you if you set limits. There will be repercussions. OP will need to decide which is worse- continue on with this difficult situation or speak up and create a new problem by becoming the target of mom’s abuse. The difficulty with narcissists is that there will always be something to manage.

[Anonymous]

OMG, I had to read this twice to make sure it wasn’t my husband writing it! We are in the exact same situation except my MIL has remarried. She resents the hell out of my parents for simply existing. We are convinced she is a narcissist.

I have no words of wisdom except that we have told his mom to ignore my parents at kid events. Just don’t even try to be fake nice because she lives in some bizarro alternate reality where every interaction is mischaracterized. So the easiest route is one of just show up and go to your corner, MIL.

It is exhausting, and you have my sympathies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I had to read this twice to make sure it wasn’t my husband writing it! We are in the exact same situation except my MIL has remarried. She resents the hell out of my parents for simply existing. We are convinced she is a narcissist.

I have no words of wisdom except that we have told his mom to ignore my parents at kid events. Just don’t even try to be fake nice because she lives in some bizarro alternate reality where every interaction is mischaracterized. So the easiest route is one of just show up and go to your corner, MIL.

It is exhausting, and you have my sympathies.

OP here. Sorry you are dealing with this too. Luckily they generally ignore each other, but it's so awkward and uncomfortable as I literally have to sit in the middle of them at everything. And then when they see my child after the event, my mom gets very possessive and seems to have a problem if my ILs are there during "her" time with HER grandchild. That plus the calls afterwards about her issues with how everything played out AND my perceived role in all of it is what's truly exhausting. Last time it was that I didn't pay her enough attention and DC didn't pay her enough attention. It's just all too much for an elementary school program (or whatever event it may be).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I had to read this twice to make sure it wasn’t my husband writing it! We are in the exact same situation except my MIL has remarried. She resents the hell out of my parents for simply existing. We are convinced she is a narcissist.

I have no words of wisdom except that we have told his mom to ignore my parents at kid events. Just don’t even try to be fake nice because she lives in some bizarro alternate reality where every interaction is mischaracterized. So the easiest route is one of just show up and go to your corner, MIL.

It is exhausting, and you have my sympathies.

OP here. Sorry you are dealing with this too. Luckily they generally ignore each other, but it's so awkward and uncomfortable as I literally have to sit in the middle of them at everything. And then when they see my child after the event, my mom gets very possessive and seems to have a problem if my ILs are there during "her" time with HER grandchild. That plus the calls afterwards about her issues with how everything played out AND my perceived role in all of it is what's truly exhausting. Last time it was that I didn't pay her enough attention and DC didn't pay her enough attention. It's just all too much for an elementary school program (or whatever event it may be).

NP. This scenario plays out in all different iterations with my own mom and MIL. It really is exhausting. I try to host them separately if at all possible because they can not handle sharing the spotlight and attention. I totally know what you mean about the calls afterwards also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I had to read this twice to make sure it wasn’t my husband writing it! We are in the exact same situation except my MIL has remarried. She resents the hell out of my parents for simply existing. We are convinced she is a narcissist.

I have no words of wisdom except that we have told his mom to ignore my parents at kid events. Just don’t even try to be fake nice because she lives in some bizarro alternate reality where every interaction is mischaracterized. So the easiest route is one of just show up and go to your corner, MIL.

It is exhausting, and you have my sympathies.

OP here. Sorry you are dealing with this too. Luckily they generally ignore each other, but it's so awkward and uncomfortable as I literally have to sit in the middle of them at everything. And then when they see my child after the event, my mom gets very possessive and seems to have a problem if my ILs are there during "her" time with HER grandchild. That plus the calls afterwards about her issues with how everything played out AND my perceived role in all of it is what's truly exhausting. Last time it was that I didn't pay her enough attention and DC didn't pay her enough attention. It's just all too much for an elementary school program (or whatever event it may be).

I responded to you previously and you commented that I had summed up the situation. I have a narcissist mother.

You need to go grey rock. Google it. Stop with the after event conversations. Make it as uninteresting and un-engaging for her as possible. Not sure why you need to sit in the middle of them at an event. Their interactions with each other are not your problem. I had suggested you explain to your MIL how your mom is and just tell her to avoid. So your MIL should not sit next to her. Your mother's behavior is not a reflection of you nor is it your problem. It's just really not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest - are your in-laws being reasonable? You say your in-laws "are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions." Does that mean your mother has treated your in-laws poorly?

If so - you invite your in-laws. And maybe your dad if that logistically makes sense and he's not part of the problem. Your mom can't get along, she misses out.

If they're both being unreasonable (ie, if your in-laws got a wiff of not being liked and are over reacting) then you invite them both and make them figure it out or they can choose to not come. Not your problem.

OP here. I mean, my ILs aren't wrong - my mom doesn't like them and she's pretty obvious about it. Basically will look right at them and act like they don't exist. Or not say hello even when spoken to. I mean, she hasn't like made a huge scene or anything, but she makes things VERY uncomfortable and then she or my dad make sure to let me know all of their grievances about the interaction after the fact. It's exhausting.

I would invite my in-laws then. It’s not fair for your mothers behavior to ruin everything. Your in-laws haven’t done anything wrong. If she asks why they got to go, be honest.

Op here. Oh god the hysterics that will ensue…

Mom, this is exactly why you aren’t invited anymore. We are happy to have you back at these events when you can be cordial to everyone.