How to handle parents and in laws that don't like each other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I had to read this twice to make sure it wasn’t my husband writing it! We are in the exact same situation except my MIL has remarried. She resents the hell out of my parents for simply existing. We are convinced she is a narcissist.

I have no words of wisdom except that we have told his mom to ignore my parents at kid events. Just don’t even try to be fake nice because she lives in some bizarro alternate reality where every interaction is mischaracterized. So the easiest route is one of just show up and go to your corner, MIL.

It is exhausting, and you have my sympathies.

OP here. Sorry you are dealing with this too. Luckily they generally ignore each other, but it's so awkward and uncomfortable as I literally have to sit in the middle of them at everything. And then when they see my child after the event, my mom gets very possessive and seems to have a problem if my ILs are there during "her" time with HER grandchild. That plus the calls afterwards about her issues with how everything played out AND my perceived role in all of it is what's truly exhausting. Last time it was that I didn't pay her enough attention and DC didn't pay her enough attention. It's just all too much for an elementary school program (or whatever event it may be).

Do not engage after the event. If she calls, answer, but when she starts complaining, tell her “Oh no - I forgot - I have to go! Love you! miss you!” If she texts you, just respond with a thumbs up or a !! She can take that to mean whatever she wants. Continue along those lines until she has moved on to something else. Even if it takes 2 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I had to read this twice to make sure it wasn’t my husband writing it! We are in the exact same situation except my MIL has remarried. She resents the hell out of my parents for simply existing. We are convinced she is a narcissist.

I have no words of wisdom except that we have told his mom to ignore my parents at kid events. Just don’t even try to be fake nice because she lives in some bizarro alternate reality where every interaction is mischaracterized. So the easiest route is one of just show up and go to your corner, MIL.

It is exhausting, and you have my sympathies.

OP here. Sorry you are dealing with this too. Luckily they generally ignore each other, but it's so awkward and uncomfortable as I literally have to sit in the middle of them at everything. And then when they see my child after the event, my mom gets very possessive and seems to have a problem if my ILs are there during "her" time with HER grandchild. That plus the calls afterwards about her issues with how everything played out AND my perceived role in all of it is what's truly exhausting. Last time it was that I didn't pay her enough attention and DC didn't pay her enough attention. It's just all too much for an elementary school program (or whatever event it may be).

I have a friend that had to stop inviting/including her mother for this very reason. And I have to say it's really not fair to your kid that her grandmother is talking about her like this. You need to shut these conversations down. I think I'd be so irritated after awhile I would say, "I'm sorry you didn't enjoy yourself. I'll make a note of it for the future, but I've got to go right now. Susie has the axe again. Bye!" And then don't invite her next time. When she flips out just calmly say, "Oh, you never enjoy yourself so we didn't think you'd want to come. Whoops, Timmy's eating rat poison. Gotta go. Bye!"

Obvious, I'm being a little ridiculous, but you are putting yourself in this situation.

[Anonymous]

O0, have you ever called your mom out about her behavior. By ignoring it, in some days, you are telling her there are no consequences for her being awful.

It’s time to put your big girl pants are and be direct.

“Mom, when you are rude to Madge, I feel sad that our family gathering isn’t civil. You are welcome to come to Larla’s recital, but if you can’t be nice, we are not going to invite you the next time. You can still come and spend time with us, but we are not going to put Madge and Bill in an uncomfortable place if you aren’t able to be civil.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:O0, have you ever called your mom out about her behavior. By ignoring it, in some days, you are telling her there are no consequences for her being awful.

It’s time to put your big girl pants are and be direct.

“Mom, when you are rude to Madge, I feel sad that our family gathering isn’t civil. You are welcome to come to Larla’s recital, but if you can’t be nice, we are not going to invite you the next time. You can still come and spend time with us, but we are not going to put Madge and Bill in an uncomfortable place if you aren’t able to be civil.”

Yep. She is not going to change without consequences.

If roles were reversed, DCUM would absolutely say you have a husband problem. It is unfair to your husband and in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O0, have you ever called your mom out about her behavior. By ignoring it, in some days, you are telling her there are no consequences for her being awful.

It’s time to put your big girl pants are and be direct.

“Mom, when you are rude to Madge, I feel sad that our family gathering isn’t civil. You are welcome to come to Larla’s recital, but if you can’t be nice, we are not going to invite you the next time. You can still come and spend time with us, but we are not going to put Madge and Bill in an uncomfortable place if you aren’t able to be civil.”

Yep. She is not going to change without consequences.

If roles were reversed, DCUM would absolutely say you have a husband problem. It is unfair to your husband and in laws.

OP here. You are right on what I should do. Honestly though, she’s not someone I can have a reasonable conversation with so I don’t think she will change regardless. I think it will make her hate them more. I definitely feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws and parents like each other very much— but I can guarantee you that if they actually spent extended time together, they wouldn’t. That’s why I’ve always kept them separated. We see one set at a time. It’s works for everyone. If there’s a kid performance, one set will see the fall show, the other set will see the spring show. This isn’t that hard, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and parents like each other very much— but I can guarantee you that if they actually spent extended time together, they wouldn’t. That’s why I’ve always kept them separated. We see one set at a time. It’s works for everyone. If there’s a kid performance, one set will see the fall show, the other set will see the spring show. This isn’t that hard, OP.

OP here. It actually is that hard when there’s not multiples of some events AND you have one set that will go ballistic if they aren’t invited to everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O0, have you ever called your mom out about her behavior. By ignoring it, in some days, you are telling her there are no consequences for her being awful.

It’s time to put your big girl pants are and be direct.

“Mom, when you are rude to Madge, I feel sad that our family gathering isn’t civil. You are welcome to come to Larla’s recital, but if you can’t be nice, we are not going to invite you the next time. You can still come and spend time with us, but we are not going to put Madge and Bill in an uncomfortable place if you aren’t able to be civil.”

Yep. She is not going to change without consequences.

If roles were reversed, DCUM would absolutely say you have a husband problem. It is unfair to your husband and in laws.

OP here. You are right on what I should do. Honestly though, she’s not someone I can have a reasonable conversation with so I don’t think she will change regardless. I think it will make her hate them more. I definitely feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

They don’t change with consequences.

I stopped inviting my parents to things because of my Mom’s insistence on being mean and making everyone uncomfortable and their general apathy. Although that’s not how they see it…. Gas lighting + narcissism = no Invitation

[Anonymous]

I’m going to go against most advice and say don’t invite everyone to everything. The tension was too much the second the first grandchild was born. There was poor grandma behavior on both sides and it caused a lot of unnecessary drama. Let’s face it, as they get older, they don’t really want to come to every dance recital or game. There was plenty for grandparents to come to separate events. We celebrated birthdays separately. Now that the kids are teens we rarely convince the grandparents to attend anything. The next event where envision them all together is at the high school graduation party.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation except my mom isn't obvious about her dislike of my ILs unless it’s just to me or our side of the family. Then she has no problem making fun of them, complaining about them, etc.
My ILs have no idea she doesn’t like them. Which is good. We just do things separately but that works for us since we all live in different states. If we were all closer then I would invite everyone and let your mom decide if she wants to be a part of your life. Since she’s the one with a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest - are your in-laws being reasonable? You say your in-laws "are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions." Does that mean your mother has treated your in-laws poorly?

If so - you invite your in-laws. And maybe your dad if that logistically makes sense and he's not part of the problem. Your mom can't get along, she misses out.

If they're both being unreasonable (ie, if your in-laws got a wiff of not being liked and are over reacting) then you invite them both and make them figure it out or they can choose to not come. Not your problem.

OP here. I mean, my ILs aren't wrong - my mom doesn't like them and she's pretty obvious about it. Basically will look right at them and act like they don't exist. Or not say hello even when spoken to. I mean, she hasn't like made a huge scene or anything, but she makes things VERY uncomfortable and then she or my dad make sure to let me know all of their grievances about the interaction after the fact. It's exhausting.

Mom is not invited. If she can’t act like an adult she doesn’t get invited.

[Anonymous]

All you can control is how you react to your mom’s outbursts. If it’s on the phone, end the call. If it’s in person, walk away. And then she doesn’t get invited again.

You really should find a therapist to deal with this. And apologize to your in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and parents like each other very much— but I can guarantee you that if they actually spent extended time together, they wouldn’t. That’s why I’ve always kept them separated. We see one set at a time. It’s works for everyone. If there’s a kid performance, one set will see the fall show, the other set will see the spring show. This isn’t that hard, OP.

OP here. It actually is that hard when there’s not multiples of some events AND you have one set that will go ballistic if they aren’t invited to everything.

That's called natural consequences. And just as with a child, giving in simply begets more bad behavior. You set a situation and lay out the expectation and the consequence. Send her a note so there's not interrupting. "The situation of family gatherings has become an issue for me as it now affects my children who see and understand everyone's behavior. Larla will be having her piano recital on Friday. You and dad and Sally and Dan are invited to join us. Regardless of your feelings or issues, our family includes two sets of grandparents and my husband is as welcome to include his family as I am to include mine. I expect you all to be cordial to each other and to share attention for Larla. If any of you decide you can't do that, please opt not to come. I feel I need to remind you again that Sally and Dan have been nothing but kind and welcoming to me and they love Larla just as you do. It is not a competition. If you attend and can't respect us, you will not be invited again. I am sending a similar letter to them so rest assured we are all on the same notice. It is very important to me that all the adults in Larla's life are role models for her. I'm not going to stand for petty arguments or watch adults childishly ignore one another. Not to mention it is embarrassing in a public setting to see adults acting so poorly. You are all adults and I leave you to decide how you will take it from here."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and parents like each other very much— but I can guarantee you that if they actually spent extended time together, they wouldn’t. That’s why I’ve always kept them separated. We see one set at a time. It’s works for everyone. If there’s a kid performance, one set will see the fall show, the other set will see the spring show. This isn’t that hard, OP.

OP here. It actually is that hard when there’s not multiples of some events AND you have one set that will go ballistic if they aren’t invited to everything.

That's called natural consequences. And just as with a child, giving in simply begets more bad behavior. You set a situation and lay out the expectation and the consequence. Send her a note so there's not interrupting. "The situation of family gatherings has become an issue for me as it now affects my children who see and understand everyone's behavior. Larla will be having her piano recital on Friday. You and dad and Sally and Dan are invited to join us. Regardless of your feelings or issues, our family includes two sets of grandparents and my husband is as welcome to include his family as I am to include mine. I expect you all to be cordial to each other and to share attention for Larla. If any of you decide you can't do that, please opt not to come. I feel I need to remind you again that Sally and Dan have been nothing but kind and welcoming to me and they love Larla just as you do. It is not a competition. If you attend and can't respect us, you will not be invited again. I am sending a similar letter to them so rest assured we are all on the same notice. It is very important to me that all the adults in Larla's life are role models for her. I'm not going to stand for petty arguments or watch adults childishly ignore one another. Not to mention it is embarrassing in a public setting to see adults acting so poorly. You are all adults and I leave you to decide how you will take it from here."

OP here, thank you this is very well worded and helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents (more my mom) don't like my in laws. My in laws have been nothing but kind to me, treated me like their own. Any complaints I've had are very minimal. My mom is probably a narcissist, so I think she doesn't like them merely because they exist and my kids have another set of grandparents. And they don't pay her enough attention when they are together (that one she's admitted in a round about way). My in laws had no problem with my parents, but over the many years I've been married, they are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions and now my in laws don't like my parents. Sigh...

They don't see each other much, but their paths do cross a few times a year at kids events. However, it's all now come to a head where neither my mom or MIL even want to be in the same room as the other. There's an event coming up for one of my children where I was planning to invite both, but I don't even know what to do now. I won't invite just one set, it's not fair. Thoughts on how to manage?

Treat them like we do our FOUR sets of divorced parents. We finally told them to grow up. You don't have to like each other but we are not dancing around your issues. If you can't pull it together and be civil/pleasant for joint family events (holidays, graduations, basically any event where some/all of them will be there) you will not be invited, even if the others are. And we were prepared to follow through with it.

That pretty much fixed it. Maybe they grumble and act jerky behind closed doors. But we don't hear/see it for the most part.

+1

Adults that proclaim the don't like another immediate relative have problems. My MIL is like this - she is like a petulant child. Not your issue, OP. Let them know that.

Play nice in sand box, children!