How to handle parents and in laws that don't like each other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and parents like each other very much— but I can guarantee you that if they actually spent extended time together, they wouldn’t. That’s why I’ve always kept them separated. We see one set at a time. It’s works for everyone. If there’s a kid performance, one set will see the fall show, the other set will see the spring show. This isn’t that hard, OP.

OP here. It actually is that hard when there’s not multiples of some events AND you have one set that will go ballistic if they aren’t invited to everything.

That's called natural consequences. And just as with a child, giving in simply begets more bad behavior. You set a situation and lay out the expectation and the consequence. Send her a note so there's not interrupting. "The situation of family gatherings has become an issue for me as it now affects my children who see and understand everyone's behavior. Larla will be having her piano recital on Friday. You and dad and Sally and Dan are invited to join us. Regardless of your feelings or issues, our family includes two sets of grandparents and my husband is as welcome to include his family as I am to include mine. I expect you all to be cordial to each other and to share attention for Larla. If any of you decide you can't do that, please opt not to come. I feel I need to remind you again that Sally and Dan have been nothing but kind and welcoming to me and they love Larla just as you do. It is not a competition. If you attend and can't respect us, you will not be invited again. I am sending a similar letter to them so rest assured we are all on the same notice. It is very important to me that all the adults in Larla's life are role models for her. I'm not going to stand for petty arguments or watch adults childishly ignore one another. Not to mention it is embarrassing in a public setting to see adults acting so poorly. You are all adults and I leave you to decide how you will take it from here."

OP here, thank you this is very well worded and helpful.

+1

[Anonymous]

My MIL sucks. She's not very nice to my mother. My mom doesn't go out of her way to see my MIL. But I invite them to the same events sometimes (like a kid's soccer game) and they both come and smile and say hello and move on.

Just let them each know the other is invited. That you will not be playing favorites of picking sides. And if they choose to skip, that's on them.

But also if your mother is the one who is mean, she should have been put in her place a long time ago. She soured a relationship all on her own, and she should have to deal with the fall out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws and parents like each other very much— but I can guarantee you that if they actually spent extended time together, they wouldn’t. That’s why I’ve always kept them separated. We see one set at a time. It’s works for everyone. If there’s a kid performance, one set will see the fall show, the other set will see the spring show. This isn’t that hard, OP.

OP here. It actually is that hard when there’s not multiples of some events AND you have one set that will go ballistic if they aren’t invited to everything.

That's called natural consequences. And just as with a child, giving in simply begets more bad behavior. You set a situation and lay out the expectation and the consequence. Send her a note so there's not interrupting. "The situation of family gatherings has become an issue for me as it now affects my children who see and understand everyone's behavior. Larla will be having her piano recital on Friday. You and dad and Sally and Dan are invited to join us. Regardless of your feelings or issues, our family includes two sets of grandparents and my husband is as welcome to include his family as I am to include mine. I expect you all to be cordial to each other and to share attention for Larla. If any of you decide you can't do that, please opt not to come. I feel I need to remind you again that Sally and Dan have been nothing but kind and welcoming to me and they love Larla just as you do. It is not a competition. If you attend and can't respect us, you will not be invited again. I am sending a similar letter to them so rest assured we are all on the same notice. It is very important to me that all the adults in Larla's life are role models for her. I'm not going to stand for petty arguments or watch adults childishly ignore one another. Not to mention it is embarrassing in a public setting to see adults acting so poorly. You are all adults and I leave you to decide how you will take it from here."

Who are you? You are like a communication maestro and I have much I need to learn from you. Will you be my life coach?

[Anonymous]

I recommend that you read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. It will really help you understand how you are not responsible for your parents' attitudes, tantrums, etc. You need to learn to disengage, and this book helped both my husband and me to do this with our parents. Their problems are not mine, and they are in charge of their own emotions.

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

My mother is the guilty one in my family.
I cut her off for a while until she learned that access depends on simple, basic courtesy. She's now reformed.

In your situation, I would tell your mother that if she cannot be mannerly, she won't be invited. Invite your ILs instead.