Reply to How to handle parents and in laws that don't like each other

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Be honest - are your in-laws being reasonable? You say your in-laws "are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions." Does that mean your mother has treated your in-laws poorly?

If so - you invite your in-laws. And maybe your dad if that logistically makes sense and he's not part of the problem. Your mom can't get along, she misses out.

If they're both being unreasonable (ie, if your in-laws got a wiff of not being liked and are over reacting) then you invite them both and make them figure it out or they can choose to not come. Not your problem. [/quote]

OP here. I mean, my ILs aren't wrong - my mom doesn't like them and she's pretty obvious about it. Basically will look right at them and act like they don't exist. Or not say hello even when spoken to. I mean, she hasn't like made a huge scene or anything, but she makes things VERY uncomfortable and then she or my dad make sure to let me know all of their grievances about the interaction after the fact. It's exhausting. [/quote]
I would invite my in-laws then. It’s not fair for your mothers behavior to ruin everything. Your in-laws haven’t done anything wrong. If she asks why they got to go, be honest. [/quote]

Op here. Oh god the hysterics that will ensue… [/quote]

DP here.  So, if one of your children was behaving poorly, and you gave consequences and they got all dramatic and hysterical, how would you respond?

Your mother is behaving childishly.  You need to enact consequences for her behavior, but you are being a doormat and letting her get away with it at the expense of your in-laws.  You want to find out how to get a bad relationship with your in-laws.  Let your mother behave rudely to them and don't do anything to stop her.  Right now they don't like her.  Pretty soon they will start disliking you and treating you poorly because you let your mother abuse them.

You need to grow up and take control of the situation.  Your mother clearly will not grow up and behave maturely, so you need to be the mature and responsible party.  Stop letting her get away with that behavior.[/quote]

DP. I kind of agree with setting limits on mom’s behavior, but it’s not exactly the same as setting limits on your child’s behavior. Children don’t typically retaliate and begin to abuse you if you set limits. There will be repercussions. OP will need to decide which is worse- continue on with this difficult situation or speak up and create a new problem by becoming the target of mom’s abuse.  The difficulty with narcissists is that there will always be something to manage. [/quote]

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