How to handle parents and in laws that don't like each other

[Anonymous]

My parents (more my mom) don't like my in laws. My in laws have been nothing but kind to me, treated me like their own. Any complaints I've had are very minimal. My mom is probably a narcissist, so I think she doesn't like them merely because they exist and my kids have another set of grandparents. And they don't pay her enough attention when they are together (that one she's admitted in a round about way). My in laws had no problem with my parents, but over the many years I've been married, they are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions and now my in laws don't like my parents. Sigh...

They don't see each other much, but their paths do cross a few times a year at kids events. However, it's all now come to a head where neither my mom or MIL even want to be in the same room as the other. There's an event coming up for one of my children where I was planning to invite both, but I don't even know what to do now. I won't invite just one set, it's not fair. Thoughts on how to manage?

[Anonymous]

You invite them both and tell them to grow up. Not liking each other is not a good enough reason to make you have to choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents (more my mom) don't like my in laws. My in laws have been nothing but kind to me, treated me like their own. Any complaints I've had are very minimal. My mom is probably a narcissist, so I think she doesn't like them merely because they exist and my kids have another set of grandparents. And they don't pay her enough attention when they are together (that one she's admitted in a round about way). My in laws had no problem with my parents, but over the many years I've been married, they are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions and now my in laws don't like my parents. Sigh...

They don't see each other much, but their paths do cross a few times a year at kids events. However, it's all now come to a head where neither my mom or MIL even want to be in the same room as the other. There's an event coming up for one of my children where I was planning to invite both, but I don't even know what to do now. I won't invite just one set, it's not fair. Thoughts on how to manage?

Treat them like we do our FOUR sets of divorced parents. We finally told them to grow up. You don't have to like each other but we are not dancing around your issues. If you can't pull it together and be civil/pleasant for joint family events (holidays, graduations, basically any event where some/all of them will be there) you will not be invited, even if the others are. And we were prepared to follow through with it.

That pretty much fixed it. Maybe they grumble and act jerky behind closed doors. But we don't hear/see it for the most part.

[Anonymous]

If your mother was not a narcissist, I'd have more ideas. But if she's clearly the problem, it's an easier fix. She either needs to act right or she wont' get invited.

You can absolutely invite one and not the other if one's being completely juvenile. I'd cut my mom out in a heartbeat if she's was truly a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I’d take my parents aside and read them the riot act. They aren’t welcome unless they behave like adults.

Both sets of ours don’t like each other. Whatever. I just ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Ours don’t like each other either but they suck it up and act civil when at the same event together.

[Anonymous]

Invite both and let them come or not come as they see fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You invite them both and tell them to grow up. Not liking each other is not a good enough reason to make you have to choose.

Agree. THey need to behave like adults.

[Anonymous]

Be honest - are your in-laws being reasonable? You say your in-laws "are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions." Does that mean your mother has treated your in-laws poorly?

If so - you invite your in-laws. And maybe your dad if that logistically makes sense and he's not part of the problem. Your mom can't get along, she misses out.

If they're both being unreasonable (ie, if your in-laws got a wiff of not being liked and are over reacting) then you invite them both and make them figure it out or they can choose to not come. Not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be honest - are your in-laws being reasonable? You say your in-laws "are very aware now my parents don't like them due to interactions." Does that mean your mother has treated your in-laws poorly?

If so - you invite your in-laws. And maybe your dad if that logistically makes sense and he's not part of the problem. Your mom can't get along, she misses out.

If they're both being unreasonable (ie, if your in-laws got a wiff of not being liked and are over reacting) then you invite them both and make them figure it out or they can choose to not come. Not your problem.

OP here. I mean, my ILs aren't wrong - my mom doesn't like them and she's pretty obvious about it. Basically will look right at them and act like they don't exist. Or not say hello even when spoken to. I mean, she hasn't like made a huge scene or anything, but she makes things VERY uncomfortable and then she or my dad make sure to let me know all of their grievances about the interaction after the fact. It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

My parents and inlaws don't like each other either. Basically my mother feels they don't pay her enough attention -- she likes to have her stories appreciated, questions asked, compliments paid. My inlaws are the silent type and can't even manage to praise their own son, much less his MIL. My mother has ended up in tears at events like a kid's birthday because "they're so rude to me". Which they ARE! They don't greet her and they act like she's not there. But they also ignore everyone else!
I divide up Christmas at both houses. For kids' birthdays I make them get together and I tell my mother I do not want to hear about it afterward (the list of grievances) because "I'm already stressed and please don't add to my plate."

[Anonymous]

How long has this been going on? Why haven't you told your mother to cut it out? This is non negotiable. Remind her that this is YOUR house and she is being disrespectful to you and your DH and it will not be tolerated. Tell her she must act like an adult or she will not be invited to a gathering again. Follow thru.

[Anonymous]

People telling the OP to tell her mother to cut it out do not have a narcissist for parent. She won't act any different.

You seem to feel your ILs are normal people. I would have an honest conversation with them and say I understand the way my mother is, please just don't engage with her. Thanks for understanding.

And then invite all of them and it's their problem.

People like the OP's narcissist mom are fueled by making all situations about them, furthering the script they have in their head of how everything should go, and people generally responding to their manipulations. ILs should ignore her and so should you.

[Anonymous]

OP, where is your father when your mother is behaving like a big B?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People telling the OP to tell her mother to cut it out do not have a narcissist for parent. She won't act any different.

You seem to feel your ILs are normal people. I would have an honest conversation with them and say I understand the way my mother is, please just don't engage with her. Thanks for understanding.

And then invite all of them and it's their problem.

People like the OP's narcissist mom are fueled by making all situations about them, furthering the script they have in their head of how everything should go, and people generally responding to their manipulations. ILs should ignore her and so should you.

OP here. Yes, this is a pretty accurate take on the situation. Plus my mom just generally has a problem with most people unless they fawn all over her.