Friends reacting weirdly to divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be your communication style.

True. But they also have communication issues they won’t acknowledge. One person I worked with for 3 years on a volunteer project and she put me in charge of communication because she couldn’t be pleasant via email so it can’t be that bad. I typed my text via phone and didn’t proofread. At any rate do you have any advice on the friendships?

No, because I found it difficult to read your block post to understand exactly what the problem is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the friendships are no longer working, then look for new friends. I think it's common for friendships, as well as many other things, to change after a divorce.

I’ve done some of that but it’s hard to have any friends when you are working and trying to parent solely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be your communication style.

True. But they also have communication issues they won’t acknowledge. One person I worked with for 3 years on a volunteer project and she put me in charge of communication because she couldn’t be pleasant via email so it can’t be that bad. I typed my text via phone and didn’t proofread. At any rate do you have any advice on the friendships?

No, because I found it difficult to read your block post to understand exactly what the problem is.

No problem. Paragraphs and short sentences. Got it

[Anonymous]

I’ve heard this happens. The first couple friends to have marital problems or divorce get dumped on later by other friends who then bring up their own marital problems.

Just give high level advice, no long emails.
Advice like- do some lawyer consults, document, get individual therapist to hash it out, make peace with shared custody, save some money, focus on the kids, know your deal breakers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore the PPs. I agree your post would be easier to read with paragraph breaks (for future reference) but I was able to follow what you are saying.

I think it's pretty typical for people to react "weirdly" to divorce or other turmoil in a friend's life. I have been through this on both sides and I know how hurtful it feels when you are the one dealing with difficulty and you want to be able to turn to your friends for solace, and instead you find yourself kind of "managing" them because they are all in their feelings about what is going on with you. Especially with something like a divorce where you often just feel like you want validation or a very simple show of support like "I support you. You do what's right for you and I'm here for you."

But I've also been on the other side of it and I know that is hard, too. First, it's not like their lives stopped when you were going through this. They have stuff happening in their lives, they have their own psychological dramas, etc. Like as an example, the friend who seems to be really emphasizing the strength of her marriage to you? She might actually just be trying to reassure herself and it might come out more around you because when she sees you, she thinks about any of the fractures or troubles in her marriage and worries where it could lead. I think if the stuff she's saying just kind of implies a comparison but doesn't make one, you should be somewhat forgiving because what she is saying is much more about her and her marriage than about you or your friendship. It's very normal to examine your own marriage after a close friend's divorce. And if your friend comes out doing great, even more so! Because she might look at you and how relieved and happy you are and wonder if that's what she needs, and it might scare her to think that. Please have some grace with her.

Of course, it's also absolutely valid to ask for some grace from them. Your friend who is criticizing the way you are trying to support her with her problems is being harsh and it sounds like she's putting a lot on you and micromanaging your response. While I think it's okay to provide gentle feedback if a friend isn't supporting you the way you want ("I'm getting a lot of words back from you when I vent to you and I'm really just looking for validation"), I think its important to be kind. I'd just be clear with her the next time she brings up her problems with you -- "I'm here to support you but it feels like you haven't really appreciated the way I support you in the past. Can you tell me up front what you are hoping to get from me so that we don't go down that road again?" If she wants to set a boundary, great, but she needs to do it in a clear and understandable way, and not be passive aggressive or cruel about it, if she wants to care for your friendship.

Speaking of boundaries, you also mentioned your other friend trying to "parent" you sometimes. This is something I've experienced too and I've realized it's really toxic in my relationships because it causes a power imbalance and creates weird expectations and impositions. When I had a friend who did this to me when I was going through a hard time, I wound up feeling like I had an obligation to take her advice our she would be "disappointed" in me, and I often felt like she didn't respect my opinion on anything, even things totally unrelated to the thing I was struggling with, because she'd adopted this parental role and viewed me as a child. And it was particularly frustrating because my difficulty was related to something she'd never been through in her life, but she just kind of appointed herself as an expert on it. I never even asked for her advice. It actually destroyed our friendship.

So in that situation, I'd be clear with her -- you are not looking for advice or guidance, just friendship. She can have a great marriage and she is the expert on her own life, but that does not make her the expert on your life or your marriage. If she offers unsolicited advice or is condescending or parental with you in the future, I would call it out directly -- Why are you talking like you're my mom? Why are you giving me advice about this, I wasn't asking for advice? Why are you talking to me like I don't understand this, of course I do? Don't play into the role, push back.

I'm sorry you're dealign with this. I wish friendship was like it is in the movies or on TV, where when you went through a hard thing, your friends just rallied around you in a supportive and uncomplicated way. But it's rarely actually like that. I hope you and your friends can work through this. Also, congratulations on your divorce and finding some peace after dealing with abuse and addiction in your marriage. I'm happy for you and your kids, you deserve that.

Haha. Oh the irony. Can someone summarize this in simple bullet points for me? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also is the paragraph one still really hard to read? People write so short these days and I feel like these are also misconstrued. What do you recommend for writing to friends? Especially about large issues like a friend confiding to you about their child having an illness they are having a hard time with and looking for advice? Obviously these friends felt like they could confide in me about these things. But then they also empty their negative feelings onto me as well and after the divorce I think I have less tolerance for this.

I agree that writing things too briefly can lead to misunderstanding, but truthfully you do have a pretty confusing writing style. Writing things too sprawlingly can lead to the same pitfalls as being too short.

Friendship is about sharing each other's burdens. I am not sure I am interpreting you correctly but it sounds a bit like you have been through something really hard and as a result are having less sympathy for your friend's more mundane problems. And that you are a 'solver' generally so if someone vents to you you want to give them tools to do something about it. That can be frustrating when someone wants to vent. And both of these things are understandable but really won't be compatible with long term friendships. As a competitor in the grief olympics myself, you really can't go through life thinking that other people's problems are nothing because yours are worse. And if you can't ever just be a sounding board than you aren't a good friend.

Two minor notes to the above
1) If these same friends were not there for YOU during your divorce, then their expectation of support might be making you bristle because you did not get support from them, and that is a totally legitimate reason to be turned off by them
2) If a friend complains about the same problem over and over and over for a really prolonged period of time without ever doing anything to change their situation that can be very frustrating and can make the relationship pretty toxic. I slowly drifted away from a friend who had a borderline obsessed attitude about a minor disagreement she'd had years before and just could not let it go and would just dwell on it. For years. This kind of person's issues are not yours to shoulder if you don't want to.

[Anonymous]

and as a result are having less sympathy for your friend's more mundane problems. And that you are a 'solver' generally so if someone vents to you you want to give them tools to do something about it. That can be frustrating when someone wants to vent. And both of these things are understandable but really won't be compatible with long term friendships. As a competitor in the grief olympics myself, you really can't go through life thinking that other people's problems are nothing because yours are worse. And if you can't ever just be a sounding board than you aren't a good friend.

I am a solver which I do for my job but often people come to me to ask me to solve their problems. I know this about myself so often just try to listen and not say anything beyond asking questions and affirming but then they ask me for advice. I'm also happy to listen to mundane issues as long as they don't drone on and as long as I don't get a lot of criticism for it. Friend one is kind of a NYC area drama queen and is used to complaining about things a lot and sometimes I have to shut down the discussion a bit and try to move on but she is a fun person to be around and she does truly care about me and my family. I just don't like it when I listen to it all and then there is a complaint about the meet-up time because didn't I know she goes to bed at 9 pm and can't meet at 8 or small issue that she thinks I should have known about. She's just very blunt without a buffer. She's been there a lot for me over the ages. Neither of these two people are very self-reflective and are very extroverted so they don't have a large filter for their own words.

[Anonymous]

Two minor notes to the above

1) If these same friends were not there for YOU during your divorce, then their expectation of support might be making you bristle because you did not get support from them, and that is a totally legitimate reason to be turned off by them.

I did get support but it was paired with some jealousy and extra criticism and I'm finding that after a divorce I don't have enough tolerance for this. I'm feeling guilty though because I did get some support as well. I might not be explaining it well, but what's happened is that if they have a negative feeling they don't like about themselves in a conversation and then see a person who they view in a weaker position, they then dump their feelings on me with some criticism of me or veiled jealousy so they don't have to feel bad.

2) If a friend complains about the same problem over and over and over for a really prolonged period of time without ever doing anything to change their situation that can be very frustrating and can make the relationship pretty toxic. I slowly drifted away from a friend who had a borderline obsessed attitude about a minor disagreement she'd had years before and just could not let it go and would just dwell on it. For years. This kind of person's issues are not yours to shoulder if you don't want to.

I already know all of their issues so this doesn't bother me except that I only have so much sympathy for these issues by now and obviously have greater struggles. They are welcome to complain and I can show some sympathy and validation but I don't feel the need anymore to keep commiserating and don't like to get involved in these discussions as much because of their proclivity to turn on me to escape their feelings.

[Anonymous]

Man this thread is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore the PPs. I agree your post would be easier to read with paragraph breaks (for future reference) but I was able to follow what you are saying.

I think it's pretty typical for people to react "weirdly" to divorce or other turmoil in a friend's life. I have been through this on both sides and I know how hurtful it feels when you are the one dealing with difficulty and you want to be able to turn to your friends for solace, and instead you find yourself kind of "managing" them because they are all in their feelings about what is going on with you. Especially with something like a divorce where you often just feel like you want validation or a very simple show of support like "I support you. You do what's right for you and I'm here for you."

But I've also been on the other side of it and I know that is hard, too. First, it's not like their lives stopped when you were going through this. They have stuff happening in their lives, they have their own psychological dramas, etc. Like as an example, the friend who seems to be really emphasizing the strength of her marriage to you? She might actually just be trying to reassure herself and it might come out more around you because when she sees you, she thinks about any of the fractures or troubles in her marriage and worries where it could lead. I think if the stuff she's saying just kind of implies a comparison but doesn't make one, you should be somewhat forgiving because what she is saying is much more about her and her marriage than about you or your friendship. It's very normal to examine your own marriage after a close friend's divorce. And if your friend comes out doing great, even more so! Because she might look at you and how relieved and happy you are and wonder if that's what she needs, and it might scare her to think that. Please have some grace with her.

Of course, it's also absolutely valid to ask for some grace from them. Your friend who is criticizing the way you are trying to support her with her problems is being harsh and it sounds like she's putting a lot on you and micromanaging your response. While I think it's okay to provide gentle feedback if a friend isn't supporting you the way you want ("I'm getting a lot of words back from you when I vent to you and I'm really just looking for validation"), I think its important to be kind. I'd just be clear with her the next time she brings up her problems with you -- "I'm here to support you but it feels like you haven't really appreciated the way I support you in the past. Can you tell me up front what you are hoping to get from me so that we don't go down that road again?" If she wants to set a boundary, great, but she needs to do it in a clear and understandable way, and not be passive aggressive or cruel about it, if she wants to care for your friendship.

Speaking of boundaries, you also mentioned your other friend trying to "parent" you sometimes. This is something I've experienced too and I've realized it's really toxic in my relationships because it causes a power imbalance and creates weird expectations and impositions. When I had a friend who did this to me when I was going through a hard time, I wound up feeling like I had an obligation to take her advice our she would be "disappointed" in me, and I often felt like she didn't respect my opinion on anything, even things totally unrelated to the thing I was struggling with, because she'd adopted this parental role and viewed me as a child. And it was particularly frustrating because my difficulty was related to something she'd never been through in her life, but she just kind of appointed herself as an expert on it. I never even asked for her advice. It actually destroyed our friendship.

So in that situation, I'd be clear with her -- you are not looking for advice or guidance, just friendship. She can have a great marriage and she is the expert on her own life, but that does not make her the expert on your life or your marriage. If she offers unsolicited advice or is condescending or parental with you in the future, I would call it out directly -- Why are you talking like you're my mom? Why are you giving me advice about this, I wasn't asking for advice? Why are you talking to me like I don't understand this, of course I do? Don't play into the role, push back.

I'm sorry you're dealign with this. I wish friendship was like it is in the movies or on TV, where when you went through a hard thing, your friends just rallied around you in a supportive and uncomplicated way. But it's rarely actually like that. I hope you and your friends can work through this. Also, congratulations on your divorce and finding some peace after dealing with abuse and addiction in your marriage. I'm happy for you and your kids, you deserve that.

Haha. Oh the irony. Can someone summarize this in simple bullet points for me? Thank you.

1. I'd just be clear with her the next time she brings up her problems with you- I'm here to support you but it feels like you haven't really appreciated the way I support you in the past. Can you tell me up front what you are hoping to get from me so that we don't go down that road again?" If she wants to set a boundary, great, but she needs to do it in a clear and understandable way, and not be passive aggressive or cruel about it, if she wants to care for your friendship.


2. So in that situation, I'd be clear with her -- you are not looking for advice or guidance, just friendship. She can have a great marriage and she is the expert on her own life, but that does not make her the expert on your life or your marriage

[Anonymous]

I am going to try to break this down into chunks for my response.

At first meeting on the divorce my friends were sympathetic but I noticed even on the first day and then subsequent weeks that there were some weird vibes and over the past year there have been more slights.

One thing to consider is that if you’ve been focused on leaving a bad marriage over the past year or so, you may have been leaning on your friends a lot more than you realized without reciprocating when they needed a friend. They may be feeling a bit worn out in the friendship after giving you support for so long without getting much in return.

One friend started telling me all about her problems I guess to mirror some of my trauma but when I tried to help her she scolded me and told me my texts were too long and she wasn’t interested in the help but then kept dumping her issues on me just I guess to have someone tell her that she had a right to be upset about her issues. She wanted validation from me so I gave her some but it’s starting to get annoying because they are small issues that I don’t really want to be involved in and whenever I do I get scolded somehow.

You need to stop competing with your friends for who has it the worst and being dismissive of what’s going with them. Even if your issues are/were objectively worse, that doesn’t mean hers aren’t real. If you cannot tolerate the expectation that the person you are leaning on will sometimes need to lean on you, then you need to find a therapist because inappropriate and unfair to expect your friends to serve that role for you.

Then another woman started referring to “her husband” immediately after the divorce disclosure despite me knowing him more than her and for over 2 decades and doing other things to make sure I knew their marriage was strong and to not interfere. Before the four of us were friends together and we have kids still who get together all the time so it’s awkward. She also tries to parent me a lot now telling me how things should be or are from her point of view and starting to talk derogatorily as if I’m a loser station than her now.

Like you said, it’s awkward. They were friends with both of you and may not feel like they are expected to choose between you. If her husband has stayed friends with your ex, it may be that much more awkward for her so she’s putting up a bit of a wall so she and her kids can stay friends with you and your kids without creating conflict. As for the last part, without examples it is hard to know whether she is actually acting that way, or if you are misperceiving the situation because you are feeling defensive about the divorce.

It feels very uneven. I’m trying to decide if this is a phase for these friendships and somehow I can turn these friendships back to what they were, if I’m overreacting to their slights and should just ride it out, or if these relationships have turned abusive and won’t right themselves. Right now I just want a break from them.

This goes back to my points above. Think about whether they’ll problem is really their behavior, or your expectation that the friendships will stay as one-sided as they likely were.

My mom is a widow and gets help from lots of people so maybe I’m just doing this wrong somehow and giving off weird vibes although if that were the case why an issue from the start? I don’t want to be used as a sympathy pillow or someone’s child or the potential whore down the street. Any tips on how to break this cycle with married friends?

Don’t compare your situation to your mom’s. Your mom is a widow, which means she did not have a say in the end of her marriage. Like it or not, that tends to elicit more sympathy and offers to help as compared to someone who made the decision that they would prefer to be single than to remain in their marriage. She also may interact differently with her friends, dating back before her husband died and since. People are more likely to help when they don’t feel taken for granted or disregarded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man this thread is exhausting.

Life is hard. Relationships are often exhausting. There are other easier threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore the PPs. I agree your post would be easier to read with paragraph breaks (for future reference) but I was able to follow what you are saying.

I think it's pretty typical for people to react "weirdly" to divorce or other turmoil in a friend's life. I have been through this on both sides and I know how hurtful it feels when you are the one dealing with difficulty and you want to be able to turn to your friends for solace, and instead you find yourself kind of "managing" them because they are all in their feelings about what is going on with you. Especially with something like a divorce where you often just feel like you want validation or a very simple show of support like "I support you. You do what's right for you and I'm here for you."

But I've also been on the other side of it and I know that is hard, too. First, it's not like their lives stopped when you were going through this. They have stuff happening in their lives, they have their own psychological dramas, etc. Like as an example, the friend who seems to be really emphasizing the strength of her marriage to you? She might actually just be trying to reassure herself and it might come out more around you because when she sees you, she thinks about any of the fractures or troubles in her marriage and worries where it could lead. I think if the stuff she's saying just kind of implies a comparison but doesn't make one, you should be somewhat forgiving because what she is saying is much more about her and her marriage than about you or your friendship. It's very normal to examine your own marriage after a close friend's divorce. And if your friend comes out doing great, even more so! Because she might look at you and how relieved and happy you are and wonder if that's what she needs, and it might scare her to think that. Please have some grace with her.

Of course, it's also absolutely valid to ask for some grace from them. Your friend who is criticizing the way you are trying to support her with her problems is being harsh and it sounds like she's putting a lot on you and micromanaging your response. While I think it's okay to provide gentle feedback if a friend isn't supporting you the way you want ("I'm getting a lot of words back from you when I vent to you and I'm really just looking for validation"), I think its important to be kind. I'd just be clear with her the next time she brings up her problems with you -- "I'm here to support you but it feels like you haven't really appreciated the way I support you in the past. Can you tell me up front what you are hoping to get from me so that we don't go down that road again?" If she wants to set a boundary, great, but she needs to do it in a clear and understandable way, and not be passive aggressive or cruel about it, if she wants to care for your friendship.

Speaking of boundaries, you also mentioned your other friend trying to "parent" you sometimes. This is something I've experienced too and I've realized it's really toxic in my relationships because it causes a power imbalance and creates weird expectations and impositions. When I had a friend who did this to me when I was going through a hard time, I wound up feeling like I had an obligation to take her advice our she would be "disappointed" in me, and I often felt like she didn't respect my opinion on anything, even things totally unrelated to the thing I was struggling with, because she'd adopted this parental role and viewed me as a child. And it was particularly frustrating because my difficulty was related to something she'd never been through in her life, but she just kind of appointed herself as an expert on it. I never even asked for her advice. It actually destroyed our friendship.

So in that situation, I'd be clear with her -- you are not looking for advice or guidance, just friendship. She can have a great marriage and she is the expert on her own life, but that does not make her the expert on your life or your marriage. If she offers unsolicited advice or is condescending or parental with you in the future, I would call it out directly -- Why are you talking like you're my mom? Why are you giving me advice about this, I wasn't asking for advice? Why are you talking to me like I don't understand this, of course I do? Don't play into the role, push back.

I'm sorry you're dealign with this. I wish friendship was like it is in the movies or on TV, where when you went through a hard thing, your friends just rallied around you in a supportive and uncomplicated way. But it's rarely actually like that. I hope you and your friends can work through this. Also, congratulations on your divorce and finding some peace after dealing with abuse and addiction in your marriage. I'm happy for you and your kids, you deserve that.

Haha. Oh the irony. Can someone summarize this in simple bullet points for me? Thank you.

Are you OP? This was a real dick response to someone who was trying to be helpful. If this is how you respond to people IRL, I can see why you’re having trouble maintaining friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going to try to break this down into chunks for my response.

At first meeting on the divorce my friends were sympathetic but I noticed even on the first day and then subsequent weeks that there were some weird vibes and over the past year there have been more slights.

One thing to consider is that if you’ve been focused on leaving a bad marriage over the past year or so, you may have been leaning on your friends a lot more than you realized without reciprocating when they needed a friend. They may be feeling a bit worn out in the friendship after giving you support for so long without getting much in return.

One friend started telling me all about her problems I guess to mirror some of my trauma but when I tried to help her she scolded me and told me my texts were too long and she wasn’t interested in the help but then kept dumping her issues on me just I guess to have someone tell her that she had a right to be upset about her issues. She wanted validation from me so I gave her some but it’s starting to get annoying because they are small issues that I don’t really want to be involved in and whenever I do I get scolded somehow.

You need to stop competing with your friends for who has it the worst and being dismissive of what’s going with them. Even if your issues are/were objectively worse, that doesn’t mean hers aren’t real. If you cannot tolerate the expectation that the person you are leaning on will sometimes need to lean on you, then you need to find a therapist because inappropriate and unfair to expect your friends to serve that role for you.

Then another woman started referring to “her husband” immediately after the divorce disclosure despite me knowing him more than her and for over 2 decades and doing other things to make sure I knew their marriage was strong and to not interfere. Before the four of us were friends together and we have kids still who get together all the time so it’s awkward. She also tries to parent me a lot now telling me how things should be or are from her point of view and starting to talk derogatorily as if I’m a loser station than her now.

Like you said, it’s awkward. They were friends with both of you and may not feel like they are expected to choose between you. If her husband has stayed friends with your ex, it may be that much more awkward for her so she’s putting up a bit of a wall so she and her kids can stay friends with you and your kids without creating conflict. As for the last part, without examples it is hard to know whether she is actually acting that way, or if you are misperceiving the situation because you are feeling defensive about the divorce.

It feels very uneven. I’m trying to decide if this is a phase for these friendships and somehow I can turn these friendships back to what they were, if I’m overreacting to their slights and should just ride it out, or if these relationships have turned abusive and won’t right themselves. Right now I just want a break from them.

This goes back to my points above. Think about whether they’ll problem is really their behavior, or your expectation that the friendships will stay as one-sided as they likely were.

My mom is a widow and gets help from lots of people so maybe I’m just doing this wrong somehow and giving off weird vibes although if that were the case why an issue from the start? I don’t want to be used as a sympathy pillow or someone’s child or the potential whore down the street. Any tips on how to break this cycle with married friends?

Don’t compare your situation to your mom’s. Your mom is a widow, which means she did not have a say in the end of her marriage. Like it or not, that tends to elicit more sympathy and offers to help as compared to someone who made the decision that they would prefer to be single than to remain in their marriage. She also may interact differently with her friends, dating back before her husband died and since. People are more likely to help when they don’t feel taken for granted or disregarded.

None of these are happening in the friendship beyond perhaps me going through a rough time and leaning on them too much. That said, what my friends really seem to want is a divorce party for them which to me just feels weird. Either way, I'm not hosting it. They can for me if they want. They are just extraverted people with no filter and buffer to their words. Think someoone fun who doesn't think about their words too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please ignore the PPs. I agree your post would be easier to read with paragraph breaks (for future reference) but I was able to follow what you are saying.

I think it's pretty typical for people to react "weirdly" to divorce or other turmoil in a friend's life. I have been through this on both sides and I know how hurtful it feels when you are the one dealing with difficulty and you want to be able to turn to your friends for solace, and instead you find yourself kind of "managing" them because they are all in their feelings about what is going on with you. Especially with something like a divorce where you often just feel like you want validation or a very simple show of support like "I support you. You do what's right for you and I'm here for you."

But I've also been on the other side of it and I know that is hard, too. First, it's not like their lives stopped when you were going through this. They have stuff happening in their lives, they have their own psychological dramas, etc. Like as an example, the friend who seems to be really emphasizing the strength of her marriage to you? She might actually just be trying to reassure herself and it might come out more around you because when she sees you, she thinks about any of the fractures or troubles in her marriage and worries where it could lead. I think if the stuff she's saying just kind of implies a comparison but doesn't make one, you should be somewhat forgiving because what she is saying is much more about her and her marriage than about you or your friendship. It's very normal to examine your own marriage after a close friend's divorce. And if your friend comes out doing great, even more so! Because she might look at you and how relieved and happy you are and wonder if that's what she needs, and it might scare her to think that. Please have some grace with her.

Of course, it's also absolutely valid to ask for some grace from them. Your friend who is criticizing the way you are trying to support her with her problems is being harsh and it sounds like she's putting a lot on you and micromanaging your response. While I think it's okay to provide gentle feedback if a friend isn't supporting you the way you want ("I'm getting a lot of words back from you when I vent to you and I'm really just looking for validation"), I think its important to be kind. I'd just be clear with her the next time she brings up her problems with you -- "I'm here to support you but it feels like you haven't really appreciated the way I support you in the past. Can you tell me up front what you are hoping to get from me so that we don't go down that road again?" If she wants to set a boundary, great, but she needs to do it in a clear and understandable way, and not be passive aggressive or cruel about it, if she wants to care for your friendship.

Speaking of boundaries, you also mentioned your other friend trying to "parent" you sometimes. This is something I've experienced too and I've realized it's really toxic in my relationships because it causes a power imbalance and creates weird expectations and impositions. When I had a friend who did this to me when I was going through a hard time, I wound up feeling like I had an obligation to take her advice our she would be "disappointed" in me, and I often felt like she didn't respect my opinion on anything, even things totally unrelated to the thing I was struggling with, because she'd adopted this parental role and viewed me as a child. And it was particularly frustrating because my difficulty was related to something she'd never been through in her life, but she just kind of appointed herself as an expert on it. I never even asked for her advice. It actually destroyed our friendship.

So in that situation, I'd be clear with her -- you are not looking for advice or guidance, just friendship. She can have a great marriage and she is the expert on her own life, but that does not make her the expert on your life or your marriage. If she offers unsolicited advice or is condescending or parental with you in the future, I would call it out directly -- Why are you talking like you're my mom? Why are you giving me advice about this, I wasn't asking for advice? Why are you talking to me like I don't understand this, of course I do? Don't play into the role, push back.

I'm sorry you're dealign with this. I wish friendship was like it is in the movies or on TV, where when you went through a hard thing, your friends just rallied around you in a supportive and uncomplicated way. But it's rarely actually like that. I hope you and your friends can work through this. Also, congratulations on your divorce and finding some peace after dealing with abuse and addiction in your marriage. I'm happy for you and your kids, you deserve that.

Haha. Oh the irony. Can someone summarize this in simple bullet points for me? Thank you.

Are you OP? This was a real dick response to someone who was trying to be helpful. If this is how you respond to people IRL, I can see why you’re having trouble maintaining friendships.

No, not me.