Friends reacting weirdly to divorce

[Anonymous]

I recently divorced my ex after a lot of physical abuse and addiction. I didn’t really want to and he wanted to stay in the marriage but it was getting unsafe. I feel pretty comfortable about this decision in my life despite never wanting it and spending several years in desperation trying to save him and the marriage and 1.5 years have gone by on my own with the kids without a lot of issues popping up. My kids are older and my ex left the state to go back to his family so he’s mostly out of the picture except a couple of visits and child support. At first meeting on the divorce my friends were sympathetic but I noticed even on the first day and then subsequent weeks that there were some weird vibes and over the past year there have been more slights. One friend started telling me all about her problems I guess to mirror some of my trauma but when I tried to help her she scolded me and told me my texts were too long and she wasn’t interested in the help but then kept dumping her issues on me just I guess to have someone tell her that she had a right to be upset about her issues. She wanted validation from me so I gave her some but it’s starting to get annoying because they are small issues that I don’t really want to be involved in and whenever I do I get scolded somehow. Then another woman started referring to “her husband” immediately after the divorce disclosure despite me knowing him more than her and for over 2 decades and doing other things to make sure I knew their marriage was strong and to not interfere. Before the four of us were friends together and we have kids still who get together all the time so it’s awkward. She also tries to parent me a lot now telling me how things should be or are from her point of view and starting to talk derogatorily as if I’m a loser station than her now. It feels very uneven. I’m trying to decide if this is a phase for these friendships and somehow I can turn these friendships back to what they were, if I’m overreacting to their slights and should just ride it out, or if these relationships have turned abusive and won’t right themselves. Right now I just want a break from them. My mom is a widow and gets help from lots of people so maybe I’m just doing this wrong somehow and giving off weird vibes although if that were the case why an issue from the start? I don’t want to be used as a sympathy pillow or someone’s child or the potential whore down the street. Any tips on how to break this cycle with married friends?

[Anonymous]

You’re posts are too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re posts are too long.

*Your

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re posts are too long.

Agreed. It was a valid complaint. That said there are no niceties in the friendship anymore

[Anonymous]

It may be your communication style.

[Anonymous]

Yeah your texts were definitely too long. You don’t even use paragraphs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be your communication style.

True. But they also have communication issues they won’t acknowledge. One person I worked with for 3 years on a volunteer project and she put me in charge of communication because she couldn’t be pleasant via email so it can’t be that bad. I typed my text via phone and didn’t proofread. At any rate do you have any advice on the friendships?

[Anonymous]

I recently divorced my ex after a lot of physical abuse and addiction. I didn’t really want to and he wanted to stay in the marriage but it was getting unsafe. I feel pretty comfortable about this decision in my life despite never wanting it and spending several years in desperation trying to save him and the marriage and 1.5 years have gone by on my own with the kids without a lot of issues popping up. My kids are older and my ex left the state to go back to his family so he’s mostly out of the picture except a couple of visits and child support.

At first meeting on the divorce my friends were sympathetic but I noticed even on the first day and then subsequent weeks that there were some weird vibes and over the past year there have been more slights. One friend started telling me all about her problems I guess to mirror some of my trauma but when I tried to help her she scolded me and told me my texts were too long and she wasn’t interested in the help but then kept dumping her issues on me just I guess to have someone tell her that she had a right to be upset about her issues. She wanted validation from me so I gave her some but it’s starting to get annoying because they are small issues that I don’t really want to be involved in and whenever I do I get scolded somehow. Then another woman started referring to “her husband” immediately after the divorce disclosure despite me knowing him more than her and for over 2 decades and doing other things to make sure I knew their marriage was strong and to not interfere. Before the four of us were friends together and we have kids still who get together all the time so it’s awkward. She also tries to parent me a lot now telling me how things should be or are from her point of view and starting to talk derogatorily as if I’m a loser station than her now.

It feels very uneven. I’m trying to decide if this is a phase for these friendships and somehow I can turn these friendships back to what they were, if I’m overreacting to their slights and should just ride it out, or if these relationships have turned abusive and won’t right themselves. Right now I just want a break from them. My mom is a widow and gets help from lots of people so maybe I’m just doing this wrong somehow and giving off weird vibes although if that were the case why an issue from the start? I don’t want to be used as a sympathy pillow or someone’s child or the potential whore down the street. Any tips on how to break this cycle with married friends?

[Anonymous]

I agree your post is long and hard to read. I lost some friends when my ex and I got our divorce. I also made new friends later. I kept some friends too. It does change dynamics, so I would be prepared for that type of thing, but know others have been there too. The majority of friends that faded into the distance for me were friends I had made with my husband. It was sad for me but it got better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree your post is long and hard to read. I lost some friends when my ex and I got our divorce. I also made new friends later. I kept some friends too. It does change dynamics, so I would be prepared for that type of thing, but know others have been there too. The majority of friends that faded into the distance for me were friends I had made with my husband. It was sad for me but it got better.

Did you do anything to set boundaries and or put friends at ease? I feel like all of a sudden I’ve become people’s comfort pillow and punching bag at the same time. I probably shouldn’t have confided in these friends because obviously they couldn’t handle it. A coworker also started doing this to me kind of blaming me for anything that went wrong in a meeting thinking she could and I put my foot down and called her out on it but I didn’t care about that friendship as much. That relationship has gotten better although we also don’t work together as much. These friendships are decades long friendships. I’d like to keep them if they could treat me more normally.

[Anonymous]

Also is the paragraph one still really hard to read? People write so short these days and I feel like these are also misconstrued. What do you recommend for writing to friends? Especially about large issues like a friend confiding to you about their child having an illness they are having a hard time with and looking for advice? Obviously these friends felt like they could confide in me about these things. But then they also empty their negative feelings onto me as well and after the divorce I think I have less tolerance for this.

[Anonymous]

These days a lot of communication is via text and so it often gets misconstrued. Sometimes it’s the only way I’m talking to these people anymore because of busy schedules.

[Anonymous]

OP, please ignore the PPs. I agree your post would be easier to read with paragraph breaks (for future reference) but I was able to follow what you are saying.

I think it's pretty typical for people to react "weirdly" to divorce or other turmoil in a friend's life. I have been through this on both sides and I know how hurtful it feels when you are the one dealing with difficulty and you want to be able to turn to your friends for solace, and instead you find yourself kind of "managing" them because they are all in their feelings about what is going on with you. Especially with something like a divorce where you often just feel like you want validation or a very simple show of support like "I support you. You do what's right for you and I'm here for you."

But I've also been on the other side of it and I know that is hard, too. First, it's not like their lives stopped when you were going through this. They have stuff happening in their lives, they have their own psychological dramas, etc. Like as an example, the friend who seems to be really emphasizing the strength of her marriage to you? She might actually just be trying to reassure herself and it might come out more around you because when she sees you, she thinks about any of the fractures or troubles in her marriage and worries where it could lead. I think if the stuff she's saying just kind of implies a comparison but doesn't make one, you should be somewhat forgiving because what she is saying is much more about her and her marriage than about you or your friendship. It's very normal to examine your own marriage after a close friend's divorce. And if your friend comes out doing great, even more so! Because she might look at you and how relieved and happy you are and wonder if that's what she needs, and it might scare her to think that. Please have some grace with her.

Of course, it's also absolutely valid to ask for some grace from them. Your friend who is criticizing the way you are trying to support her with her problems is being harsh and it sounds like she's putting a lot on you and micromanaging your response. While I think it's okay to provide gentle feedback if a friend isn't supporting you the way you want ("I'm getting a lot of words back from you when I vent to you and I'm really just looking for validation"), I think its important to be kind. I'd just be clear with her the next time she brings up her problems with you -- "I'm here to support you but it feels like you haven't really appreciated the way I support you in the past. Can you tell me up front what you are hoping to get from me so that we don't go down that road again?" If she wants to set a boundary, great, but she needs to do it in a clear and understandable way, and not be passive aggressive or cruel about it, if she wants to care for your friendship.

Speaking of boundaries, you also mentioned your other friend trying to "parent" you sometimes. This is something I've experienced too and I've realized it's really toxic in my relationships because it causes a power imbalance and creates weird expectations and impositions. When I had a friend who did this to me when I was going through a hard time, I wound up feeling like I had an obligation to take her advice our she would be "disappointed" in me, and I often felt like she didn't respect my opinion on anything, even things totally unrelated to the thing I was struggling with, because she'd adopted this parental role and viewed me as a child. And it was particularly frustrating because my difficulty was related to something she'd never been through in her life, but she just kind of appointed herself as an expert on it. I never even asked for her advice. It actually destroyed our friendship.

So in that situation, I'd be clear with her -- you are not looking for advice or guidance, just friendship. She can have a great marriage and she is the expert on her own life, but that does not make her the expert on your life or your marriage. If she offers unsolicited advice or is condescending or parental with you in the future, I would call it out directly -- Why are you talking like you're my mom? Why are you giving me advice about this, I wasn't asking for advice? Why are you talking to me like I don't understand this, of course I do? Don't play into the role, push back.

I'm sorry you're dealign with this. I wish friendship was like it is in the movies or on TV, where when you went through a hard thing, your friends just rallied around you in a supportive and uncomplicated way. But it's rarely actually like that. I hope you and your friends can work through this. Also, congratulations on your divorce and finding some peace after dealing with abuse and addiction in your marriage. I'm happy for you and your kids, you deserve that.

[Anonymous]

Ease back from these friendships a bit.

The first one, seems like mature she just wants to vent (not necessarily advice). So give her a sympathetic text or 2, but keep it brief. She may be having a tough time, so I’d want to keep providing support & kindness…but maybe not get deeply involved/provide advice, since it sounds like that is not what she wants. & when things get better for her, maybe the relationship will be better.

For the second, I would give that some space …don’t get together or contact much for a little bit, but stay in touch occasionally. That one feels like she is still getting used to your divorce, and once she realizes you are doing fine, you aren’t after her husband or whatever, she will calm down & go back to normal.

[Anonymous]

If the friendships are no longer working, then look for new friends. I think it's common for friendships, as well as many other things, to change after a divorce.