I'm a garbage mother

[Anonymous]

Every mom I know (particularly SAHM, military wife, others who were the primary parent) has a story like this with toddlers -- doesn't make it OK but it is not uncommon. I would not drive to a psych ward over this (yikes) but consider it a wakeup call that the fundamental balance of your life is off and needs to be changed immediately. I would work on the marriage first -- it really is the foundation. Look up anger management techniques. I have a naturally short fuse and walking away and reading a page of a book when angry really helps me. Agree with suggestion to be silent when angry with your toddler/putting them in time out. Just don't talk. Talking almost always makes it worse in these situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is highly inheritable, so your child probably has the same thing and that's why parenting is particularly difficult right now.

You both need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist and discuss treatment. You first, since as the parent overseeing family life, you need it most. Please understand that only a psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose you. Only a psychiatrist can prescribe meds. Therapist are worthless in your situation, unless the doctor suggests behavioral modification techniques that a therapist can provide, in addition to meds. And then they'll recommend one. If the interests of time, narrow down your search to psychiatrists. It's one stop shop.

For now:

1. You can lead your child to his room WITHOUT opening your mouth. Try it.

2. Can you afford an out of pocket psychiatrist? I recommend Dr Jha in Rockville. Many years ago she saw my husband and charged less than $200 a visit.

3. Make a list of psychiatrists with their phone numbers. Go down the list and call them. Make the earliest appointment with each of them if possible. Write down next to their name when they'll take you. Then you call them all back and cancel all the appointments except the earliest one you could get.

We are an ADHD family, with my son being the most affected. I've done my share of yelling and throwing DS into his room. It all stopped when my husband finally came on board to medicate him in 5th grade. Now he's a senior in high school, and does well WITHOUT meds, because his brain has matured. My point is that this too shall pass and things will get better. But for now, you need to try meds and see if it helps.

Agree with this but also a PCP/GP can diagnose and/or dispense AHD meds, as can a pediatrician.

While ADHD is highly inheritable (and DH and DS and DD all have it), it's also disruptive to people with ordinary levels of executive function too. Anxiety is contagious and dysregulation is highly dysregulating for everyone. It's easy to say that parents should be co-regulators but in reality, that's not always (or ever) realistic.

We're all human and we're doing the best we can. With time, children will get older and more mature and regulated. Hugs, OP.

Not exactly. The diagnosis SHOULD be done by an expert, either a psychiatrist or psychologist. Generalists (pediatricians are also generalists) are NOT experts. They can make errors in diagnosis, they can mistake symptoms and not consider alternatives or co-morbidities, they might not know that many symptoms overlap between HFA, ADHD and anxiety, and give the wrong dosage of meds, and not be aware of new medications or which ones are best to try and in which order.

Please do not put a generalist in such a situation. The good ones will just point you to a psych. Our pediatrician refuses to diagnose or prescribe, but she is willing to renew prescriptions that have been established by our psychiatrist. I feel this is the right approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once pushed my child when she was four in a fit of overwhelm and rage, and will never forgive myself for it. I understand how you feel OP. I think the fact that you’re so remorseful indicates that you are a good and loving mother. We are all only human, and parenting is very hard.

It only matters if you put in the work to change the dynamic. Being remorseful doesnt help anyone if you keep repeating the same mistakes.

OP- you need to throw whatever money at getting yourself medicated. $1000 is worth your sanity.

I also want to emphasize getting into an endo and having them run a full panel for thyroid. My undiagnosed hypothyroid exacerbated my anxiety and ADD symptoms and I was only borderline. It took an endo willing to see if medication improved my symptoms not just relying on a TSH result. I had major PP rage and anxiety- traditional anxiety meds did nothing, weaning from BFing did nothing and actually made it worse, going back on mood disorder meds only slightly improved. In one year of thyroid management I am 75% better at managing my emotions and overload on sensory stimulus (crying, whining, too much noise, etc). I also had periods of severe exhaustion where I could feel my body shut down. All I wanted to do was run away because it was all too much. The feelings of self-loathing after being angry and irritable only continued the cycle and this was while I already had psychiatric help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every mom I know (particularly SAHM, military wife, others who were the primary parent) has a story like this with toddlers -- doesn't make it OK but it is not uncommon. I would not drive to a psych ward over this (yikes) but consider it a wakeup call that the fundamental balance of your life is off and needs to be changed immediately. I would work on the marriage first -- it really is the foundation. Look up anger management techniques. I have a naturally short fuse and walking away and reading a page of a book when angry really helps me. Agree with suggestion to be silent when angry with your toddler/putting them in time out. Just don't talk. Talking almost always makes it worse in these situations.

Except that here it might not be a toddler, and the OP states she has ADHD. You are clearly not aware of the ramifications of this disorder if you think consulting a psychiatrist means "driving to a psych ward". Are you one of these people who believe ADHD is a made-up illness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once pushed my child when she was four in a fit of overwhelm and rage, and will never forgive myself for it. I understand how you feel OP. I think the fact that you’re so remorseful indicates that you are a good and loving mother. We are all only human, and parenting is very hard.

It only matters if you put in the work to change the dynamic. Being remorseful doesnt help anyone if you keep repeating the same mistakes.

OP- you need to throw whatever money at getting yourself medicated. $1000 is worth your sanity.

I also want to emphasize getting into an endo and having them run a full panel for thyroid. My undiagnosed hypothyroid exacerbated my anxiety and ADD symptoms and I was only borderline. It took an endo willing to see if medication improved my symptoms not just relying on a TSH result. I had major PP rage and anxiety- traditional anxiety meds did nothing, weaning from BFing did nothing and actually made it worse, going back on mood disorder meds only slightly improved. In one year of thyroid management I am 75% better at managing my emotions and overload on sensory stimulus (crying, whining, too much noise, etc). I also had periods of severe exhaustion where I could feel my body shut down. All I wanted to do was run away because it was all too much. The feelings of self-loathing after being angry and irritable only continued the cycle and this was while I already had psychiatric help.

Yes, I agree with this poster. I was diagnosed with various thyroid diseases post-partum and I am convinced they were at play when I had PPD, except we didn't know it at the time. I was finally diagnosed with Grave's disease and my thyroid was surgically removed. Now I'm on thyroid repacement hormones for life, which I had to get used to, but the alternative sent me regularly to hospital, so...

Get a full medical check-up and blood work, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every mom I know (particularly SAHM, military wife, others who were the primary parent) has a story like this with toddlers -- doesn't make it OK but it is not uncommon. I would not drive to a psych ward over this (yikes) but consider it a wakeup call that the fundamental balance of your life is off and needs to be changed immediately. I would work on the marriage first -- it really is the foundation. Look up anger management techniques. I have a naturally short fuse and walking away and reading a page of a book when angry really helps me. Agree with suggestion to be silent when angry with your toddler/putting them in time out. Just don't talk. Talking almost always makes it worse in these situations.

Except that here it might not be a toddler, and the OP states she has ADHD. You are clearly not aware of the ramifications of this disorder if you think consulting a psychiatrist means "driving to a psych ward". Are you one of these people who believe ADHD is a made-up illness?

DP. That was a suggestion made upthread. I can't say whether it's a good suggestion or not but agree with quoted PP that this is a wakeup call. Something needs to change. Now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every mom I know (particularly SAHM, military wife, others who were the primary parent) has a story like this with toddlers -- doesn't make it OK but it is not uncommon. I would not drive to a psych ward over this (yikes) but consider it a wakeup call that the fundamental balance of your life is off and needs to be changed immediately. I would work on the marriage first -- it really is the foundation. Look up anger management techniques. I have a naturally short fuse and walking away and reading a page of a book when angry really helps me. Agree with suggestion to be silent when angry with your toddler/putting them in time out. Just don't talk. Talking almost always makes it worse in these situations.

Except that here it might not be a toddler, and the OP states she has ADHD. You are clearly not aware of the ramifications of this disorder if you think consulting a psychiatrist means "driving to a psych ward". Are you one of these people who believe ADHD is a made-up illness?

DP. That was a suggestion made upthread. I can't say whether it's a good suggestion or not but agree with quoted PP that this is a wakeup call. Something needs to change. Now.

PP quoted -- yep, was responding to the suggestion made upthread to check into an emergency room for mental health crisis. I don't think ADHD is made up and consulting a therapist would be a great (and essential) step in this situation. I just don't think it warrants being an inpatient

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so lost. I just lost it on my youngest who kept screaming at me this morning. I screamed back in his face for him to stop it. I forcefully dragged him to his room, threw him in, screamed in his face and left. I hate being a mother and I'm total garbage at it. I cannot be calm in the face of his constant screaming and emotional state. I can do it about 200 times a day, but then by 201 I completely lose my shit. I need help. I have ADHD and am currently grieving the loss of a close family member and in the throes of depression. My marriage is distant and not a source of strength or comfort for me outside of the logistical help. I cannot do simple things like make a doctor's appointment for myself or my child because my ADHD is raging out of control so I can focus for 10 minutes but all the hoops of finding help are just so impossible. I've asked DH to help with scheduling appointments but he's totally slammed at work. I just want to check out. I am trash and my child is hurting. Stupid post, I know, but I have nobody to talk to in this extreme shame I'm feeling.

I'm sorry, OP. This is not a stupid post at all. Sounds like you're really going through a lot. Think of small ways you can decompress, even just watching TV at night after your DC goes to bed. Make lists of things you need to do and just go through your lists like a robot, doing the next thing and checking it off. Hug your kid. Put that on the list.

Hang in there. You are not a garbage mother. You're having a really hard time.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. When I was in a grieving period I was a barely functional zombie.

I don’t know if this will help any, but when I was a frazzled mother feeling overwhelmed by stress, sometimes I’d give myself a time-out and just go in another room for a few minutes and give myself a chance to calm down and regroup.

Also, while there are better ways of dealing with his shouting at you than you described, you don’t have to suffer through it, and certainly not 200 times/day. When he starts to get worked up, hopefully before the screaming stage, send him to his room for a time-out, until he’s calmed himself down enough to he rational. If it gets to the point where he is screaming, there needs to be a consequence that you apply consistently. I know it’s overwhelming to tackle anything new, especially without support from your co-parent, but it’s the only way to turn things around.

For now, let go of the shame and turn it into a resolve to do better. Apologize to your child and explain that that behavior isn’t acceptable for anyone. Tell him that you will make sure you don’t let your anger get out of control again and that he needs to do the same.

I don’t know anything about this organization, but Google helped me find this hotline (non-crisis) on the Montgomery County website called Every Mind: 301-738-2255.
https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/btheone/resourcehub.html
Here’s a PDF which talks more about them.
https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/COUNCIL/Resources/Files/2022/EveryMind-Overview03012022.pdf

I’m not sure, but I think they serve the while DMV area. If they can’t help you, they might be able to tell you who can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel that way sometimes too. My son crushed his baby sister's finger in the door yesterday and I lost my mind. He got spanked and sent to bed to cool off. We have told him SO many times about shutting doors and even when I started to yell "stop!" he pushed harder on the door, crushing her finger more. The baby ended up being okay.

My mind just keeps replaying it. The door is kind of like an analogy to my entire life. My kids just keep pushing and pushing until I lose it entirely. Parenting is so hard.

You write well. I really appreciate this post. Also the other posters who are honest enough to admit it happens. None of us are perfect.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar state, OP. You are not alone. Yes we feel like crap when we lose it on our kids. That's nature's way of correcting the problem.

I honestly think you should focus on strengthening your marriage so your husband will be more inclined to help. You need time alone to decompress.

You can repair things with your child. Please write a list of 10 ways you're kicking ass at mothering. Focus on your strengths. Your cells know when you're talking crap about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every mom I know (particularly SAHM, military wife, others who were the primary parent) has a story like this with toddlers -- doesn't make it OK but it is not uncommon. I would not drive to a psych ward over this (yikes) but consider it a wakeup call that the fundamental balance of your life is off and needs to be changed immediately. I would work on the marriage first -- it really is the foundation. Look up anger management techniques. I have a naturally short fuse and walking away and reading a page of a book when angry really helps me. Agree with suggestion to be silent when angry with your toddler/putting them in time out. Just don't talk. Talking almost always makes it worse in these situations.

Except that here it might not be a toddler, and the OP states she has ADHD. You are clearly not aware of the ramifications of this disorder if you think consulting a psychiatrist means "driving to a psych ward". Are you one of these people who believe ADHD is a made-up illness?

DP. That was a suggestion made upthread. I can't say whether it's a good suggestion or not but agree with quoted PP that this is a wakeup call. Something needs to change. Now.

PP quoted -- yep, was responding to the suggestion made upthread to check into an emergency room for mental health crisis. I don't think ADHD is made up and consulting a therapist would be a great (and essential) step in this situation. I just don't think it warrants being an inpatient

As has been explained, stop defaulting to therapists! This is a medical (psychiatry is part of medicine) issue and needs to be treated as such. A therapist is not a doctor and they cannot treat actual mental health disorders, unless it's at the tail end, when a doctor has already been consulted, and pharmacological treatment has been discussed, tried and accepted or rejected.

DCUM for some reason loves to suggest therapy, without understanding that therapists can have a wide variety of non-medical training, most of it pretty light, and most do not even have graduate degrees.
People need to understand that mental health is part of medicine. I am not advocating for medicating people without care or thought, indeed quite the opposite, but I want to point out that actually discussing things with a doctor should be the first step. Physical disease needs to be ruled out. Bloodwork needs to be done. If you have a cardiac risk, for example, taking stimulants for ADHD should not be undertaken lightly.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I took time to cool off and cry and then went and apologized to my son and talked with him about my behavior.

I will try to enlist my insurance company for help. Historically, every time I've done that they give me the worst possible options and none of them viable, however. I'm not going to lie, it's likely I won't be able to pull it together to make an appointment. I've been here before.

PP's suggestion to just go straight to my PCP really hit home for me for some reason. If I can't get a psychiatrist this week, I'll just schedule something with him. I have never been medicated for ADHD (relatively new diagnosis), but I have been medicated a few times for depression. I'm just spiraling lately and so ashamed of myself.

Parenting two kids who fight is just so hard for me. I don't understand why I can't do it. Before becoming a mother to my second child, I was seemingly competent, calm, together. Everything is at the surface now. I want nothing more than to crawl into a hole and be alone for a millennia.

I also get completely despairing of our situation when I look into getting an evaluation for my son. I have left numerous voicemails with Children's and never hear back. We are middle class, insured, and still getting mental health care seems so impossible.

In the meantime, I'm going to try shutting my mouth when I'm losing my temper. If just walking to another room was something I could get myself to do, I'd love do it. But it's like my body becomes hell bent on making the screaming stop and I explode. It feels so stressful to live with people who scream about minor things and hit each other (kids) and will whine and yell endlessly. I had no idea I was so sensitive to this stuff because I never lived in such a household. I know they are children, but it's still anger and violence. I wish I could go back in time and re-do everything from the start.

Again, thanks everyone for your thoughts here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I took time to cool off and cry and then went and apologized to my son and talked with him about my behavior.

I will try to enlist my insurance company for help. Historically, every time I've done that they give me the worst possible options and none of them viable, however. I'm not going to lie, it's likely I won't be able to pull it together to make an appointment. I've been here before.

PP's suggestion to just go straight to my PCP really hit home for me for some reason. If I can't get a psychiatrist this week, I'll just schedule something with him. I have never been medicated for ADHD (relatively new diagnosis), but I have been medicated a few times for depression. I'm just spiraling lately and so ashamed of myself.

Parenting two kids who fight is just so hard for me. I don't understand why I can't do it. Before becoming a mother to my second child, I was seemingly competent, calm, together. Everything is at the surface now. I want nothing more than to crawl into a hole and be alone for a millennia.

I also get completely despairing of our situation when I look into getting an evaluation for my son. I have left numerous voicemails with Children's and never hear back. We are middle class, insured, and still getting mental health care seems so impossible.

In the meantime, I'm going to try shutting my mouth when I'm losing my temper. If just walking to another room was something I could get myself to do, I'd love do it. But it's like my body becomes hell bent on making the screaming stop and I explode. It feels so stressful to live with people who scream about minor things and hit each other (kids) and will whine and yell endlessly. I had no idea I was so sensitive to this stuff because I never lived in such a household. I know they are children, but it's still anger and violence. I wish I could go back in time and re-do everything from the start.

Again, thanks everyone for your thoughts here.

OP, I have no advice for you but I just wanted to let you know what you're saying really resonates with me. I've recently had my second baby and I'm really struggling to properly and kindly parent my toddler when she does things like hit the baby. I used to be someone who almost never lost my temper and I'm suddenly having to learn all sorts of skills to try and control it when I'm also being pulled in too many directions. I hope you can find something that helps you soon.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had to use Done in order to get ADHD medicine recently. I just couldn’t jump through all the hoops to do it the conventional way. Good luck. You aren’t a bad mom.