I'm a garbage mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I took time to cool off and cry and then went and apologized to my son and talked with him about my behavior.

I will try to enlist my insurance company for help. Historically, every time I've done that they give me the worst possible options and none of them viable, however. I'm not going to lie, it's likely I won't be able to pull it together to make an appointment. I've been here before.

PP's suggestion to just go straight to my PCP really hit home for me for some reason. If I can't get a psychiatrist this week, I'll just schedule something with him. I have never been medicated for ADHD (relatively new diagnosis), but I have been medicated a few times for depression. I'm just spiraling lately and so ashamed of myself.

Parenting two kids who fight is just so hard for me. I don't understand why I can't do it. Before becoming a mother to my second child, I was seemingly competent, calm, together. Everything is at the surface now. I want nothing more than to crawl into a hole and be alone for a millennia.

I also get completely despairing of our situation when I look into getting an evaluation for my son. I have left numerous voicemails with Children's and never hear back. We are middle class, insured, and still getting mental health care seems so impossible.

In the meantime, I'm going to try shutting my mouth when I'm losing my temper. If just walking to another room was something I could get myself to do, I'd love do it. But it's like my body becomes hell bent on making the screaming stop and I explode. It feels so stressful to live with people who scream about minor things and hit each other (kids) and will whine and yell endlessly. I had no idea I was so sensitive to this stuff because I never lived in such a household. I know they are children, but it's still anger and violence. I wish I could go back in time and re-do everything from the start.

Again, thanks everyone for your thoughts here.

OP, I have no advice for you but I just wanted to let you know what you're saying really resonates with me. I've recently had my second baby and I'm really struggling to properly and kindly parent my toddler when she does things like hit the baby. I used to be someone who almost never lost my temper and I'm suddenly having to learn all sorts of skills to try and control it when I'm also being pulled in too many directions. I hope you can find something that helps you soon.

2+. This is my biggest trigger too--when I can sense the kids' bickering is escalating and I just know it is going to end badly. It is like I cannot help but yell and try to nip things in the bud. And mine are 8 & 10 so unfortunately, I can't say things completely resolve after the toddler/ pre-school era (although there is some improvement). I know it sound unbelievable, but I was such a calm Mom with one, I don't think I ever yelled until DC#2 came along and the kids started fighting. DC#1 and I both have ADHD and this thread is making me despair a little about whether I just don't have the executive function and wherewithal to deal with this type of conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I took time to cool off and cry and then went and apologized to my son and talked with him about my behavior.

I will try to enlist my insurance company for help. Historically, every time I've done that they give me the worst possible options and none of them viable, however. I'm not going to lie, it's likely I won't be able to pull it together to make an appointment. I've been here before.

PP's suggestion to just go straight to my PCP really hit home for me for some reason. If I can't get a psychiatrist this week, I'll just schedule something with him. I have never been medicated for ADHD (relatively new diagnosis), but I have been medicated a few times for depression. I'm just spiraling lately and so ashamed of myself.

Parenting two kids who fight is just so hard for me. I don't understand why I can't do it. Before becoming a mother to my second child, I was seemingly competent, calm, together. Everything is at the surface now. I want nothing more than to crawl into a hole and be alone for a millennia.

I also get completely despairing of our situation when I look into getting an evaluation for my son. I have left numerous voicemails with Children's and never hear back. We are middle class, insured, and still getting mental health care seems so impossible.

In the meantime, I'm going to try shutting my mouth when I'm losing my temper. If just walking to another room was something I could get myself to do, I'd love do it. But it's like my body becomes hell bent on making the screaming stop and I explode. It feels so stressful to live with people who scream about minor things and hit each other (kids) and will whine and yell endlessly. I had no idea I was so sensitive to this stuff because I never lived in such a household. I know they are children, but it's still anger and violence. I wish I could go back in time and re-do everything from the start.

Again, thanks everyone for your thoughts here.

OP, I have no advice for you but I just wanted to let you know what you're saying really resonates with me. I've recently had my second baby and I'm really struggling to properly and kindly parent my toddler when she does things like hit the baby. I used to be someone who almost never lost my temper and I'm suddenly having to learn all sorts of skills to try and control it when I'm also being pulled in too many directions. I hope you can find something that helps you soon.

2+. This is my biggest trigger too--when I can sense the kids' bickering is escalating and I just know it is going to end badly. It is like I cannot help but yell and try to nip things in the bud. And mine are 8 & 10 so unfortunately, I can't say things completely resolve after the toddler/ pre-school era (although there is some improvement). I know it sound unbelievable, but I was such a calm Mom with one, I don't think I ever yelled until DC#2 came along and the kids started fighting. DC#1 and I both have ADHD and this thread is making me despair a little about whether I just don't have the executive function and wherewithal to deal with this type of conflict.

Same. I feel like I spend a lot of my day maintaining order, getting people to do things (brush teeth, get dressed, eat, on and on) and it's very hard to not lose my temper. I feel like I can't get through the awful stuff to the fun stuff. They don't get that the longer they delay, the less time we have at the park/playground/fun stuff. I truly was a nice mom until covid happened and then I am still trying to recover from my 6 months of working without childcare. It's like I haven't escaped the stress from that time period and am now just processing. I need to be a better mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you are at your wits end. There's a lot going on here. In the first place, it sounds like your kids are kind of out of control because you aren't doing any controlling, and you blame your lack of control on the death of a family member. Look, my father died during COVID, and my husband's grandma and uncle. But we had to keep going through the motions to keep the train moving. You need to too. For your children.

Please buy this notepad. It's amazing. It's tear off type sheets that you can scribble down your To-Dos, then cross them out when they are complete. I love how I can just tear off the page and start over if I want. I use pencil so I can erase if needed. Start writing down things you know you need to do. And do them. Maybe 1 item would be booking therapy with someone who specializes in parenting issues. Maybe a 2nd item would be a therapist for your kid. If the child is very young, maybe a BT specialist (behavioral therapy). I hope this helps. Hope you get out of this rut!

https://www.amazon.com/Erin-Condren-Designer-Planning-Notepad/dp/B07JHWMD7M/ref=dp_prsubs_1?pd_rd_i=B07JHWMD7M&psc=1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you medicated and working with a therapist?

No. I haven't been able to find a therapist or doc accepting new patients that accepts my insurance. I have such a hard time overcoming these hurdles and then I feel such shame that it's so hard for me.

Your general practitioner can prescribed adhd medication and anxiety medication. Infact, you can get some types online.

Hire help.
Outsource grocery delivery/meal prep/ hire a college kid to pick up and do laundry.

Then focus on your child who very likely also has adhd and anxiety if not more.
Imagine growing up with adhd and anxiety AND a parent who is completely dysregulated.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to my life. I don't have ADHD, but my youngest has severe ADHD and HFA and he is explosive and loves nothing more than pushing everyone's buttons. I'm taking thiamine and it really helps me with staying calm(er) and managing my anxiety. Get your youngest to a neurologist ASAP. If he ends up being on the spectrum, the ABA therapy is covered by insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All good suggestions, but a couple more. If you’re in survival mode and need an hour, turn on screens. Separate ones if necessary. It’s not the best, but screw the best. It beats losing your sh*t buy a mile. After the hour is up, outside to play and burn off energy.

A PP here and this is good advice. What worked for my youngest was swimming. After swimming laps for 2 hours, he was to exhausted to start a fight with us.

[Anonymous]

When I had postpartum mental health issues and couldn’t find anyone in my insurance I worked with a social worker and asked them for help. They located one within a week or so. I originally connected with the SW as a result of my son being seen at Children’s Hospital. It was six months later I needed the help and got it.

I’m guessing you don’t have a contact already but maybe ask your child’s pediatrician, your PCP or your OB for a social worker referral to do the same. I literally was like I need help finding help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All good suggestions, but a couple more. If you’re in survival mode and need an hour, turn on screens. Separate ones if necessary. It’s not the best, but screw the best. It beats losing your sh*t buy a mile. After the hour is up, outside to play and burn off energy.

A PP here and this is good advice. What worked for my youngest was swimming. After swimming laps for 2 hours, he was to exhausted to start a fight with us.

Yes. Exercise is KEY for kids with ADHD. So much exercise.

[Anonymous]

Great suggestions above to get a work up with a doctor and consider whether there's a medical problem here.

Might I also add that it may not be a medical problem. It may not be ADHD. It may simply be that you are drowning and not getting the support you need. In my own experience - I had a TOUGH time with my littles. I had them very close together and my husband did not step up. In fact, he was incredibly selfish during that period of time, even refusing to find steady work and instead hopping from entrepreneurial venture to venture (none panned out). I was the sole breadwinner and the primary caretaker. All while my husband was out doing boys trips, messing around, etc.

I remember so clearly one day about 5 years ago. I had a BIG meeting at work. My husband was off on a ski trip with his friends. My nanny called out. We have zero family in town. I needed to get my kids to the drop off daycare so I could make my meeting and my 3 year old wouldn't put her socks on. I SCREAMED at her. It was awful. It still makes me want to cry 5 years later.

I'm in a much better place now. My husband stepped up big time (threatening divorce and years of marriage therapy helped) and is now a super partner - and also the breadwinner. I've stepped way back in my career. I haven't screamed at my kids like that for years.

Just saying... in addition to exploring ADHD, consider whether your emotions are the result of trying to do too much and not having the support you need.