I'm a garbage mother
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Anonymous
| I am so lost. I just lost it on my youngest who kept screaming at me this morning. I screamed back in his face for him to stop it. I forcefully dragged him to his room, threw him in, screamed in his face and left. I hate being a mother and I'm total garbage at it. I cannot be calm in the face of his constant screaming and emotional state. I can do it about 200 times a day, but then by 201 I completely lose my shit. I need help. I have ADHD and am currently grieving the loss of a close family member and in the throes of depression. My marriage is distant and not a source of strength or comfort for me outside of the logistical help. I cannot do simple things like make a doctor's appointment for myself or my child because my ADHD is raging out of control so I can focus for 10 minutes but all the hoops of finding help are just so impossible. I've asked DH to help with scheduling appointments but he's totally slammed at work. I just want to check out. I am trash and my child is hurting. Stupid post, I know, but I have nobody to talk to in this extreme shame I'm feeling. |
Anonymous
| Are you medicated and working with a therapist? |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you’re having a really terrible time and also grieving. You are smart (and a good mother) to recognize how serious this is but name calling yourself is not going to make you feel better. I know it’s hard and you’re feeling overwhelmed but you need to see your doctor immediately. If you don’t have a psychiatrist see your pcp. Make this your top priority as though you had broken your arm. Good luck to you-there is definitely help to be had and I know it’s hard but that’s what you need to do-for your sake and your child. Also, the national suicide prevention number is 988-remember it and use it! They will connect you with someone local. And don’t forget-you should see a doctor ASAP. |
Anonymous
No. I haven't been able to find a therapist or doc accepting new patients that accepts my insurance. I have such a hard time overcoming these hurdles and then I feel such shame that it's so hard for me. |
Anonymous
| You are not garbage. You are a work in progress. You recognize life is horribly chaotic for you right now and you want it to be different. Find a small goal to set for yourself today to make a move towards getting help. |
Anonymous
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ADHD is highly inheritable, so your child probably has the same thing and that's why parenting is particularly difficult right now.
You both need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist and discuss treatment. You first, since as the parent overseeing family life, you need it most. Please understand that only a psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose you. Only a psychiatrist can prescribe meds. Therapist are worthless in your situation, unless the doctor suggests behavioral modification techniques that a therapist can provide, in addition to meds. And then they'll recommend one. If the interests of time, narrow down your search to psychiatrists. It's one stop shop. For now: 1. You can lead your child to his room WITHOUT opening your mouth. Try it. 2. Can you afford an out of pocket psychiatrist? I recommend Dr Jha in Rockville. Many years ago she saw my husband and charged less than $200 a visit. 3. Make a list of psychiatrists with their phone numbers. Go down the list and call them. Make the earliest appointment with each of them if possible. Write down next to their name when they'll take you. Then you call them all back and cancel all the appointments except the earliest one you could get. We are an ADHD family, with my son being the most affected. I've done my share of yelling and throwing DS into his room. It all stopped when my husband finally came on board to medicate him in 5th grade. Now he's a senior in high school, and does well WITHOUT meds, because his brain has matured. My point is that this too shall pass and things will get better. But for now, you need to try meds and see if it helps. |
Anonymous
| We have those days sometimes too. You are human. A garbage parent would not notice the imbalance or check in. I hope today is gentler. |
Anonymous
| Hugs, OP. Parenting is hard. So hard. I hope that tomorrow is better for you. |
Anonymous
Have you tried calling your insurance company and asking them to find the next available appointment (with an in network therapist)? United offered to do this for me and I had no idea it was an option, but was in a similar place of being so frustrated with trying to find a therapist accepting new patients. |
Anonymous
Agree with this but also a PCP/GP can diagnose and/or dispense AHD meds, as can a pediatrician. While ADHD is highly inheritable (and DH and DS and DD all have it), it's also disruptive to people with ordinary levels of executive function too. Anxiety is contagious and dysregulation is highly dysregulating for everyone. It's easy to say that parents should be co-regulators but in reality, that's not always (or ever) realistic. We're all human and we're doing the best we can. With time, children will get older and more mature and regulated. Hugs, OP. |
Anonymous
| I once pushed my child when she was four in a fit of overwhelm and rage, and will never forgive myself for it. I understand how you feel OP. I think the fact that you’re so remorseful indicates that you are a good and loving mother. We are all only human, and parenting is very hard. |
Anonymous
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Agree with all the recommendations and ideas for getting help in place.
In the near term, I wanted to share that I went through a time of struggling with rage at my children. I heard about a technique that could help me in the moment. I wore a hair elastic around my wrist. When I could feel the out-of-control anger rising. I snapped the band and said, "it's no big deal" out loud (to myself as well as my children). Then I did my best to take a breath, count to ten, stay calm as the powerful feelings passed. You must control your temper OP, so you don't traumatize your children. You can do it, and this stressful time will not last forever. The episodes pass too, just like thunderstorms do. Just hold on and breathe. I know you can do it. |
Anonymous
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I feel that way sometimes too. My son crushed his baby sister's finger in the door yesterday and I lost my mind. He got spanked and sent to bed to cool off. We have told him SO many times about shutting doors and even when I started to yell "stop!" he pushed harder on the door, crushing her finger more. The baby ended up being okay.
My mind just keeps replaying it. The door is kind of like an analogy to my entire life. My kids just keep pushing and pushing until I lose it entirely. Parenting is so hard. |
Anonymous
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Once you're calm, please healthfully apologize to your kid.
Consider outside help - a mother's helper for 2 hrs. Preschool? |
Anonymous
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You’ve done the hard thing in recognizing you want help and asking your partner for it. They’re not coming thru for you which is so incredibly shitty. So you need to take care of yourself. If you can’t get to a doctor, then you need to drive to the ER and ask for help. A mental health emergency is still an emergency.
A good friend went thru the same thing and it was terrifying and so so hard. But six months later she’s on the other side. Hang in there. |