I'm a garbage mother

[Anonymous]

Repeat after me “I’m good enough I’m smart enough and dog gone it people like me”

[Anonymous]

At the beginning of the pandemic, my child who was not yet diagnosed but has anxiety and ADHD was in crisis and I truly felt I could not do it. I was terrified. Most of the book Hunter Gather parent is not super helpful but I found the section on anger helpful. It takes me SO much energy to not scream. I did not always manage it but it got better especially once we got my child help.

For now, I can’t emphasize this enough, stop dragging your child to time out. It’s very escalating. Take your other child and you leave and lock yourself in a room until everyone else is calm (if there is hitting or whatever) and change to other consequences. I was told this by two different therapists and I promise it’s better.

I hope you can get help. Start with your primary care doctor, if you have been previously diagnosed you might be able to just get meds through them. I am sending exalt thoughts.

[Anonymous]

1-2-3 magic has really helped me have a concrete plan for what to do (calmly, hopefully) when my toddler is driving me insane. The whole premise is very simple and I love how the “break time” for the kid is also a cooling off period for me. It has helped me although I am still far from perfect. You could try this method if you want!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I took time to cool off and cry and then went and apologized to my son and talked with him about my behavior.

I will try to enlist my insurance company for help. Historically, every time I've done that they give me the worst possible options and none of them viable, however. I'm not going to lie, it's likely I won't be able to pull it together to make an appointment. I've been here before.

PP's suggestion to just go straight to my PCP really hit home for me for some reason. If I can't get a psychiatrist this week, I'll just schedule something with him. I have never been medicated for ADHD (relatively new diagnosis), but I have been medicated a few times for depression. I'm just spiraling lately and so ashamed of myself.

Parenting two kids who fight is just so hard for me. I don't understand why I can't do it. Before becoming a mother to my second child, I was seemingly competent, calm, together. Everything is at the surface now. I want nothing more than to crawl into a hole and be alone for a millennia.

I also get completely despairing of our situation when I look into getting an evaluation for my son. I have left numerous voicemails with Children's and never hear back. We are middle class, insured, and still getting mental health care seems so impossible.

In the meantime, I'm going to try shutting my mouth when I'm losing my temper. If just walking to another room was something I could get myself to do, I'd love do it. But it's like my body becomes hell bent on making the screaming stop and I explode. It feels so stressful to live with people who scream about minor things and hit each other (kids) and will whine and yell endlessly. I had no idea I was so sensitive to this stuff because I never lived in such a household. I know they are children, but it's still anger and violence. I wish I could go back in time and re-do everything from the start.

Again, thanks everyone for your thoughts here.

Everything you said resonated with me. My second challenged my sense of self, our marriage, and our family. ADHD family - I was diagnosed when I started college, refused medication, slogged along. Our oldest (10 now) was diagnosed with inattentive in early ES and does well with minimal supports now after a 504 plan and some early OT. Our 7 yo DD was finally diagnosed with combined type, OCD, and anxiety after a history of explosive, impulsive behavior that, frankly put, would have seemed psychotic at times to an outsider. It was really exacerbated by my own inability to self-regulate my responses to her behavior. DH struggled with his responses, too. We would be very patient to a point and then some extreme behavior would push us and we would explode.

I felt SO ashamed, like a horrible mother. It was also like an awful secret in our family since DD was mostly controlled in social and school settings, had friends and activities, and would lose it at home. I got to the point where I wished we had never had kids. Our older child really suffered, too. We did a Neuropsych workup (this was out of state) and then worked with a therapist who specialized in ABA, used a lot of the techniques from the book The Explosive Child. We did reward charts for a long time. Things have gotten a lot better. She also has a 504 in school now too and is on meds. I do think it was about 50% getting our kid a lot of help and 50% getting ourselves help and sticking to it.

I went through Circle medical to get a new adhd assessment through a nurse practicioner who specializes in ADHD and get back on medication. That was key for me. I also have my own therapist now, though mostly telehealth appts.

I really wish you the best. I know it is SO HARD. I had such bliss the first few years of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you medicated and working with a therapist?

No. I haven't been able to find a therapist or doc accepting new patients that accepts my insurance. I have such a hard time overcoming these hurdles and then I feel such shame that it's so hard for me.

I have adult adhd and use a telehealth service specifically for adhd. They dont take my insurance but its under $100/mo and so much easier than finding a dr who takes insurance. That said, I have along amd documented history of adhd and my current med is working well so mo need to change.

[Anonymous]

I help my (professionally diagnosed) ADHD by putting a white board high on the most visible wall in my house. Each night, I write down every thing I need to accomplish the next day, in order. This includes cooking meals, specific loads of laundry, etc. I use wet erase markers so the kids aren’t tempted to rub things off.

Tomorrow you are going to make a phone call to your insurance or pcp to ask for help. Then go buy a white board and wet erase markers if you don’t already use this technique. Your to-do list will be short until you get help, but that’s okay. It’s about progress towards the goal, not making the goal.

[Anonymous]

All good suggestions, but a couple more. If you’re in survival mode and need an hour, turn on screens. Separate ones if necessary. It’s not the best, but screw the best. It beats losing your sh*t buy a mile. After the hour is up, outside to play and burn off energy.

[Anonymous]

Good advice re: ADHD. Two other thoughts:

I found the advice that if you reach the point of losing it - you've waited to long to set a boundary helpful for me. I try to listen internally so now when I first start to feel annoyed - it's a signal that I need to take action to change the situation. I'm usually able to do this with greater calm than if I wait until I'm really annoyed. Child is calmer too.

Earphones or earplugs that partially block sound can be helpful and bring the noise down from the super loud nerve fraying level to a more manageable level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All good suggestions, but a couple more. If you’re in survival mode and need an hour, turn on screens. Separate ones if necessary. It’s not the best, but screw the best. It beats losing your sh*t buy a mile. After the hour is up, outside to play and burn off energy.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1-2-3 magic has really helped me have a concrete plan for what to do (calmly, hopefully) when my toddler is driving me insane. The whole premise is very simple and I love how the “break time” for the kid is also a cooling off period for me. It has helped me although I am still far from perfect. You could try this method if you want!

I have a quick temper and do not excel at hte baby/toddler phases and 1-2-3 Magic was GREAT for me as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All good suggestions, but a couple more. If you’re in survival mode and need an hour, turn on screens. Separate ones if necessary. It’s not the best, but screw the best. It beats losing your sh*t buy a mile. After the hour is up, outside to play and burn off energy.

+100

This is good advice! Pepa pig to the rescue! (Seriously-Not a long term solution obviously but until you’re feeling a bit better. Dinner to-pbj and carrot sticks is a-ok to put in heavy rotation for a while.)

[Anonymous]

Does your husband know how much you’re struggling and hurting? Even if he’s slammed at work, you need to bring him into this. You would if you had cancer, right? If he doesn’t know, show him your post. You’ll need support to get through this.

[Anonymous]

You’re not trash. I’ve felt this all before. It’s so hard.you will find your groove.

[Anonymous]

I also have ADHD as does one of my kids, and I wish I had heard of the podcast Celebrate Calm when my kids were younger. The guy somehow pulled himself out of bad parenting in time to turn things around with his son. I think it is brilliant advice especially for ADHD families (as his is). has DVDs but dispenses most of the wisdom for free. https://celebratecalm.com/blog/

[Anonymous]

ADHD mom here with an oldest who I suspect is also ADHD. I resonated with so much of this thread. DD triggers both me and my husband, and both of us together with ADHD trigger my husbands’s anger. DH and I commit to staying calm but after the millionth argument with our daughter to do a basic task (go to the bathroom, get dressed, clear your dish) one of us snaps and it feed like the whole family is yelling. We are trying to get her evaluated and I’m considering medication which I have not been on since my 20s. Our youngest is not ADHD that we suspect and literally can easily complete tasks that the older sister refuses to do or cannot do because she gets distracted or obsessed with something in seconds. It’s Been a real eye opener. But having now two kids to manage the logistics for on top of two full time jobs and a household to run has completely made my life chaotic. I figured out how to operate with ADHD by overworking and overcompensating as a kid, didn’t get diagnosed to adulthood, and basically created a lot of coping skills for myself that I cannot call upon now as a mom of two facing a million more additional responsibilities and stressors (excessive exercise, daily runs, meditation and yoga classes, etc).