Why do we judge men who don’t work more harshly than women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here - some of this is because, in general, women who stay home do a lot of the little unpaid tasks that add up to a lot. My SAHM DW to an 11 and 14 year old does almost all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, appointments, homeroom mom, etc. etc. that adds up to probably something like a 6 hour shift. She has it easier than I do now at my biglaw job but when the kids were little, her days were more of a slog than mine.

But if she weren't doing all of those things, I would judge her as lazy.

Also, a lot of it is biology. I have never seen this situation work in reverse (biglaw woman partner with SAH DH). I think men take pride in providing for their families, and women get resentful if their DH isn't working. I think female attraction over the long term is hard enough and they lose attraction if their man isn't working outside the home. "lack of ambition" or how ever you want to phrase it. I am not saying this is fair but it seems very consistent

And she probably spends another hour or two making herself beautiful for you and handling the social calendar and friends for herself you and the kids. Lazy would be sleeping or watching tv or eating or drinking in excess or something. Not living in the world.

[Anonymous]

People assume we live off my income because they see DH everywhere with our kid. He does school drop off and pickup all school functions, Drs appointments etc. They see him out at lunch, grocery store, golf course. Reality is he makes 7-10x what I do. He just needs to be near a phone is the only requirement for him. I think if the roles were reversed no one would even notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People assume we live off my income because they see DH everywhere with our kid. He does school drop off and pickup all school functions, Drs appointments etc. They see him out at lunch, grocery store, golf course. Reality is he makes 7-10x what I do. He just needs to be near a phone is the only requirement for him. I think if the roles were reversed no one would even notice.

Well, if he's making "7-10x" more than you do and still manages to do all that for the kids, then what's YOUR contribution? Clearly your family doesn't need your income, and you're not pulling your weight with the kids either. Sounds like your working is all about you, and to hell with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Because somewhere around 98% of men work so being a stay at home dad is far outside the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Traditional roles.

This.

It’s the same reason we judge women who work long hours more harshly than men who work the same hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Traditional roles.

This.

It’s the same reason we judge women who work long hours more harshly than men who work the same hours.

But why all the incels that think women don’t work? It’s just silly. The human race didn’t evolve to let half of the human race not work. It’s just stupid thinking.

[Anonymous]

In my 20s I had a bf who desperately wanted to get married and be a SAHD. Not because he loved kids - he didn’t even really want them- but because he hated working. He quit his job shortly after we moved in together and for 2 years I took care of him (mom had taken care of him prior to me).

Most SAHDs I’ve known had similar stories. Some are great, but most are underwhelming. I remember going to the toddler music and tumbling classes, all moms would interact with their kids while dads sat in the corner playing on their phone. I judge them pretty harshly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here - some of this is because, in general, women who stay home do a lot of the little unpaid tasks that add up to a lot. My SAHM DW to an 11 and 14 year old does almost all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, appointments, homeroom mom, etc. etc. that adds up to probably something like a 6 hour shift. She has it easier than I do now at my biglaw job but when the kids were little, her days were more of a slog than mine.

But if she weren't doing all of those things, I would judge her as lazy.

Also, a lot of it is biology. I have never seen this situation work in reverse (biglaw woman partner with SAH DH). I think men take pride in providing for their families, and women get resentful if their DH isn't working. I think female attraction over the long term is hard enough and they lose attraction if their man isn't working outside the home. "lack of ambition" or how ever you want to phrase it. I am not saying this is fair but it seems very consistent

Don’t disagree with this but as a working mom just wanted to chime in that I also do all the things you describe your wife do and same number of kids. Would not say is a 6 hour shift

[Anonymous]

I don’t judge men who don’t do paid work as long as they are working at home like women. In fact, I admire their self confidence to go against social norms and support their wife’s career.

[Anonymous]

Because the equality between men and women are conditional and situational.

[Anonymous]

Because staying home with the children is woman’s work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my 20s I had a bf who desperately wanted to get married and be a SAHD. Not because he loved kids - he didn’t even really want them- but because he hated working. He quit his job shortly after we moved in together and for 2 years I took care of him (mom had taken care of him prior to me).

Most SAHDs I’ve known had similar stories. Some are great, but most are underwhelming. I remember going to the toddler music and tumbling classes, all moms would interact with their kids while dads sat in the corner playing on their phone. I judge them pretty harshly.

One anecdote deserves another… the 3 SAHDs I regularly encountered when our kids were young were incredibly engaged and wonderful. Because it was harder for them to be friendly with the other moms simply because having an intimate friendship with another woman you see many days per week is inappropriate, they were more active with their kids than chit chatting like I would with my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here - some of this is because, in general, women who stay home do a lot of the little unpaid tasks that add up to a lot. My SAHM DW to an 11 and 14 year old does almost all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, appointments, homeroom mom, etc. etc. that adds up to probably something like a 6 hour shift. She has it easier than I do now at my biglaw job but when the kids were little, her days were more of a slog than mine.

But if she weren't doing all of those things, I would judge her as lazy.

Also, a lot of it is biology. I have never seen this situation work in reverse (biglaw woman partner with SAH DH). I think men take pride in providing for their families, and women get resentful if their DH isn't working. I think female attraction over the long term is hard enough and they lose attraction if their man isn't working outside the home. "lack of ambition" or how ever you want to phrase it. I am not saying this is fair but it seems very consistent

Don’t disagree with this but as a working mom just wanted to chime in that I also do all the things you describe your wife do and same number of kids. Would not say is a 6 hour shift

I have a housekeeper that does all of the cooking, cleaning, errand running, laundry, grocery shopping, and home maintenance stuff. She works 8am-1pm five days a week. She seems pretty busy.

[Anonymous]

I can’t put my finger on it but I definitely do judge men for staying at home vs women. Maybe it’s internalized misogyny or maybe it’s because the (few) men I know who stay home are always loafing, on their phones, playing golf, at the casino, etc. It’s more that I judge them for laziness than life choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because staying home with the children is woman’s work.

+1