Mean girls

[Anonymous]

It does seem that some schools have more mean girl issues than others. But yes, it's everywhere. And boys can be incredibly cruel to each other too. I went to an all girls school in dc where there really was not a mean girl issue, lots of nice girls and and friends, switched to a private coed and just plain mean student body, boys and girls. Sometimes, the school culture really does affect the level of kindness students show one another so I think OP's question is a legitimate one.

[Anonymous]

I went to a small independent a Jesuit prep school that was regarded as the best school in the state. It had an incredibly kind culture and people who were mean were subjected to peer pressure to be more inclusive rather than the other way around. While mean people are everywhere, mean cultures are not inevitable, and school cultures can be dramatically different.

The culture in the DMV is one of the meanest I’ve ever encountered, and I say that as someone who grew up in another part of the country but went to grad school in DC and lived in many other places (the Bay Area, Texas, the rural mid-west, Chicago, Seattle, Boston, London, the northeast, and the Deep South) before moving back here. People here are meaner than their counterparts in other parts of of the country. They are more insecure, socially-competitive/social-climbing, and discontented than anywhere else we’ve lived. People here here have zero chill and the culture seems to foment unhappiness and outrage. It’s not surprising that toxic adults are raising mean middle-schoolers. That said, it would be nice to hear about the schools that do a better than average job of keeping the toxicity at a minimum, for boys and for girls. Some schools are surely doing better than others.

Also, serious question for parents who have experience with both: is there less meanness in the area public middle schools? Is it easier to avoid meanness there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This calling out of individual schools is ridiculous. There are mean girls everywhere.

Yes. So much so that there are years of research about girl-on-girl bullying as well as books, trainings, and workshops specifically for school faculty and staff to address this issue. Wouldn’t you expect your tuition $ to go towards these initiatives? This shouldn’t STILL be a huge issues at private schools unless they aren’t doing what they say they are doing.

No, actually.

I don’t understand your point of view at all. You’re saying you don’t want your child’s school to be able to identify, stop, and intervene girl-on-girl bullying? This type of bullying is not on the surface like boy bullying. It’s a different kind of aggression that goes on for a while. Teachers and staff that aren’t trained to recognize this will ignore the girls that confide in an adult that the popular, straight A girl has been bullying them via exclusion or other subtle ways for months or even years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to a small independent a Jesuit prep school that was regarded as the best school in the state. It had an incredibly kind culture and people who were mean were subjected to peer pressure to be more inclusive rather than the other way around. While mean people are everywhere, mean cultures are not inevitable, and school cultures can be dramatically different.

The culture in the DMV is one of the meanest I’ve ever encountered, and I say that as someone who grew up in another part of the country but went to grad school in DC and lived in many other places (the Bay Area, Texas, the rural mid-west, Chicago, Seattle, Boston, London, the northeast, and the Deep South) before moving back here. People here are meaner than their counterparts in other parts of of the country. They are more insecure, socially-competitive/social-climbing, and discontented than anywhere else we’ve lived. People here here have zero chill and the culture seems to foment unhappiness and outrage. It’s not surprising that toxic adults are raising mean middle-schoolers. That said, it would be nice to hear about the schools that do a better than average job of keeping the toxicity at a minimum, for boys and for girls. Some schools are surely doing better than others.

Also, serious question for parents who have experience with both: is there less meanness in the area public middle schools? Is it easier to avoid meanness there?

+1000

So true in our private, mean moms create mean girls and form groups leaving out the rest. I am not sure what it is about this city and the parents

[Anonymous]

this question is SO class-dependent and kid-mix dependent, not school dependent

[Anonymous]

Your DMV idea of bullying is so mild compared to what I saw at a good Southern private. One kid was avoided for years from 5th grade on—no one would go to his house, parties, nothing. It was awful. I forced my kid to go to his events but not a single person in the school, or other parents, cared. It was totally ignored.

That’s bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my. You mean private school kids are not more refined wrt bullying?

The OP actually asked if in other's experience the mean girls started so young. Not if there were mean girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DMV idea of bullying is so mild compared to what I saw at a good Southern private. One kid was avoided for years from 5th grade on—no one would go to his house, parties, nothing. It was awful. I forced my kid to go to his events but not a single person in the school, or other parents, cared. It was totally ignored.

That’s bullying.

That's terrible. What school? I went to a dc private. Not friends with any of my high school classmates. They were terrible. Made great friends post high school and tend to have friends who are 5 to 10 years older. I agree with a pp that their are lots of insecure moms who seem to try to network through their kids/daughters and encourage mean girl behavior. Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not expect this at a small private school?

OP here. I didn’t say I wouldn’t expect this at a small private school. I asked if it’s usual to have it in LS already, even before middle school.

[Anonymous]

Please stop using "mean girls." No girl is one thing, and it just perpetuates misogynistic stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my. You mean private school kids are not more refined wrt bullying?

The OP actually asked if in other's experience the mean girls started so young. Not if there were mean girls.

My daughter is in 2nd grade and has definitely experienced mean girl exclusionary behavior. She is thin with an athletic build but her "friend" told her she was heavy and fat and often made fun of her hair. Just a few of many examples. The girl at issue actually has a very nice mom. The mom does let her daughter walk all over her though, no boundaries and an inability to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please stop using "mean girls." No girl is one thing, and it just perpetuates misogynistic stereotypes.

Oh my gosh please. Yes, some girls, especially during specific periods of time, are in fact just mean. As are some people-however they identify. The use of "means girls" is not the issue but rather the mean girl behavior. That is of concern, not the label.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This calling out of individual schools is ridiculous. There are mean girls everywhere.

And mean boys too! Know of many boys that have left school because of mean boys!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you not expect this at a small private school?

OP here. I didn’t say I wouldn’t expect this at a small private school. I asked if it’s usual to have it in LS already, even before middle school.

I would say the worst of it is 6th and 7th and things start to calm down by the end of 8th. Boys too. Kids are changing friend groups and all trying to be the top dogs. Kids follow the top kids. It will pass but can be tough. Advice is try to encourage different friend groups and different activities. Try to avoid your daughter or son from having just one small group. If they get cut from the group it can be brutal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please stop using "mean girls." No girl is one thing, and it just perpetuates misogynistic stereotypes.

Oh sweet mother. Take whatever it is you take pill wise in the afternoon.