Just not sure about having another baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was something you knew was important to him when you married him then you better have a heck of a reason to change your mind, one stronger than “I want to lay out at the pool.”

I hope this is what you’d be saying if her DH didn’t want another kid. Because when women post that here, the answer they get is “the no wins”. She is not a baby factory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was something you knew was important to him when you married him then you better have a heck of a reason to change your mind, one stronger than “I want to lay out at the pool.”

It’s more than the pool. I think I still might have some stuff to unpack from my divorce (when kids were a toddler and a baby). I had absolutely no help and was flat broke - it was extremely stressful and lonely. I had PPD/PPA and no resources. I really dislike being pregnant - I gain a ton of weight and am generally miserable. I restarted my career and am in a good place and am afraid I will never have the opportunity to re-enter the workforce. Im also be eh stressed about: the Russia-Ukraine war, the state of our democracy, climate change, school (etc) shootings, Covid/monkeypox etc etc, and the like. The world was different when I had my first two.

Also, losing a baby in the second trimester was very difficult. It’s just hard for me to muster excitement when it seems like things are so bleak and uncertain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was something you knew was important to him when you married him then you better have a heck of a reason to change your mind, one stronger than “I want to lay out at the pool.”

It’s more than the pool. I think I still might have some stuff to unpack from my divorce (when kids were a toddler and a baby). I had absolutely no help and was flat broke - it was extremely stressful and lonely. I had PPD/PPA and no resources. I really dislike being pregnant - I gain a ton of weight and am generally miserable. I restarted my career and am in a good place and am afraid I will never have the opportunity to re-enter the workforce. Im also be eh stressed about: the Russia-Ukraine war, the state of our democracy, climate change, school (etc) shootings, Covid/monkeypox etc etc, and the like. The world was different when I had my first two.

Also, losing a baby in the second trimester was very difficult. It’s just hard for me to muster excitement when it seems like things are so bleak and uncertain.

Hi op. I think your feelings are so valid and normal, especially with such a late loss. I would really recommend talking to a therapist to process these feelings. It sounds like you’re getting to the crux of this, and like your ex was not a supportive partner with your first two which I can only imagine would make already very hard years impossible. I do think it’s something you want to do your best to work through, since it’s important to your husband and going back on something this important can be relationship shifting and ending, so talking to a professional is not overkill. Especially because it sounds like you may be having some anxiety a little beyond the norm about world events since it’s effecting your decisions.

I would also encourage you that it’s very possible while the pregnancy will like be a pain in the a, and I mean personally I’ve never found a newborn period I liked with either of my kids but that generally parenting this child may be quite different in the early days than with your ex since you have a supportive partner. Those early days a lot still falls on mom no matter how you slice it but having a supportive partner makes a big difference.

As for work, I don’t think it’s all or nothing. Could you take a longer leave but not quit? I took 8 months with my second for similar reasons and I have not regretted it and I swear people don’t really notice the difference between say 4 months and 6 or whatever. When I came back people were SHOCKED when I told them my baby was 8 months haha. Though I was able to have someone detail in my position so that helped.

[Anonymous]

If you're not sure, it's a no. A new baby is hard enough when you are 100% certain.

[Anonymous]

Could you do a little mental exercise about what it would take to make you feel confident in your family’s ability to have another baby? Leave some of this (Russia-Ukraine) out, but not all of it. Total blue-sky thinking like, live in a blue state or abroad for the pregnancy/delivery, full time assistance for the first 90 days, night nurse until 16weeks, you stay home for at least a year with a part time babysitter, etc. Total wish list.

Then see if nothing would make you comfortable. Then it’s probably a no. A no is totally, totally ok in these circumstances. If there is something or some combination of things, bring that to your husband and ask him what he thinks. You also know a lot more about the postpartum and pregnancy time than he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you do a little mental exercise about what it would take to make you feel confident in your family’s ability to have another baby? Leave some of this (Russia-Ukraine) out, but not all of it. Total blue-sky thinking like, live in a blue state or abroad for the pregnancy/delivery, full time assistance for the first 90 days, night nurse until 16weeks, you stay home for at least a year with a part time babysitter, etc. Total wish list.

Then see if nothing would make you comfortable. Then it’s probably a no. A no is totally, totally ok in these circumstances. If there is something or some combination of things, bring that to your husband and ask him what he thinks. You also know a lot more about the postpartum and pregnancy time than he does.

Great advice -- this is sort of how I figured out I was one and done. Asked myself if I'd have another if we were rich or if I had a wonderful live-in nanny or if my mother (very involved grandmother) lived next door. Nope. Nothing worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was something you knew was important to him when you married him then you better have a heck of a reason to change your mind, one stronger than “I want to lay out at the pool.”

It’s more than the pool. I think I still might have some stuff to unpack from my divorce (when kids were a toddler and a baby). I had absolutely no help and was flat broke - it was extremely stressful and lonely. I had PPD/PPA and no resources. I really dislike being pregnant - I gain a ton of weight and am generally miserable. I restarted my career and am in a good place and am afraid I will never have the opportunity to re-enter the workforce. Im also be eh stressed about: the Russia-Ukraine war, the state of our democracy, climate change, school (etc) shootings, Covid/monkeypox etc etc, and the like. The world was different when I had my first two.

Also, losing a baby in the second trimester was very difficult. It’s just hard for me to muster excitement when it seems like things are so bleak and uncertain.

The world is truly no worse than it was when you had your first 2 kids. You’re likely stressed out from 24-7 news. Not having another kid because of the Ukraine war is kind of sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was something you knew was important to him when you married him then you better have a heck of a reason to change your mind, one stronger than “I want to lay out at the pool.”

It’s more than the pool. I think I still might have some stuff to unpack from my divorce (when kids were a toddler and a baby). I had absolutely no help and was flat broke - it was extremely stressful and lonely. I had PPD/PPA and no resources. I really dislike being pregnant - I gain a ton of weight and am generally miserable. I restarted my career and am in a good place and am afraid I will never have the opportunity to re-enter the workforce. Im also be eh stressed about: the Russia-Ukraine war, the state of our democracy, climate change, school (etc) shootings, Covid/monkeypox etc etc, and the like. The world was different when I had my first two.

Also, losing a baby in the second trimester was very difficult. It’s just hard for me to muster excitement when it seems like things are so bleak and uncertain.

I absolutely understand I had two miscarriages and I felt like that really robbed me of the joy of being pregnant it just made me worry about the other shoe dropping.

I think it's important to listen to your gut and your heart and just take getting pregnant off the menu for the nearest Future and then see how you feel in 6 months.

I think the important thing you need to do is really have that conversation with your husband about why you just do not feel emotionally ready to try for another baby right now and maybe not ever. And even if your husband doesn't get to become a father in the way that he had always planned I hope he will find a lot of great joy in being a stepfather to your children

[Anonymous]

I hate to say this, but it’s cruel to not have another baby. It seems like you married a great man. He deserves the opportunity to raised a child who is his. I’d try to figure out what you can do to make it work. Realize some of your anxiety may be because of the miscarriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was something you knew was important to him when you married him then you better have a heck of a reason to change your mind, one stronger than “I want to lay out at the pool.”

It’s more than the pool. I think I still might have some stuff to unpack from my divorce (when kids were a toddler and a baby). I had absolutely no help and was flat broke - it was extremely stressful and lonely. I had PPD/PPA and no resources. I really dislike being pregnant - I gain a ton of weight and am generally miserable. I restarted my career and am in a good place and am afraid I will never have the opportunity to re-enter the workforce. Im also be eh stressed about: the Russia-Ukraine war, the state of our democracy, climate change, school (etc) shootings, Covid/monkeypox etc etc, and the like. The world was different when I had my first two.

Also, losing a baby in the second trimester was very difficult. It’s just hard for me to muster excitement when it seems like things are so bleak and uncertain.

The world is truly no worse than it was when you had your first 2 kids. You’re likely stressed out from 24-7 news. Not having another kid because of the Ukraine war is kind of sad.

+1. Turn off the news.

Btw, Trump was elected during my pregnancy with my 5yo. Guessing the same for you, OP. I mean, what could be worse than that?

You do, however, need to sit down with your DH to discuss finances and make sure you can continue working (since that’s what you want) and that he will be fully involved with childcare. Assuming you come to an agreement on that, it would be a bait-and-switch IMO to tell him you changed your mind and no more kid. It’s different when you already have one and say no to more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say this, but it’s cruel to not have another baby. It seems like you married a great man. He deserves the opportunity to raised a child who is his. I’d try to figure out what you can do to make it work. Realize some of your anxiety may be because of the miscarriage.

You don't "hate to say it" at all, you're obviously frothing with excitement to tell a woman you don't even know that she ought to risk her body, which has already been through plenty, not to mention her mental and emotional health and well-being, as a machine to grow and birth a baby because someone else "wants" one. "Cruel," give me a break, you histrionic sociopath. Go back to your handmaiden duties. OP, ignore this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say this, but it’s cruel to not have another baby. It seems like you married a great man. He deserves the opportunity to raised a child who is his. I’d try to figure out what you can do to make it work. Realize some of your anxiety may be because of the miscarriage.

You don't "hate to say it" at all, you're obviously frothing with excitement to tell a woman you don't even know that she ought to risk her body, which has already been through plenty, not to mention her mental and emotional health and well-being, as a machine to grow and birth a baby because someone else "wants" one. "Cruel," give me a break, you histrionic sociopath. Go back to your handmaiden duties. OP, ignore this person.

This seems like a huge overreaction. I’m not the pp, and of course op doesn’t have to do it but it’s fair to say that since she went into the marriage knowing this was important to her husband and agreed to it that it is a HUGE factor and can’t be ignored. The impact on her relationship if she changes her mind is at least part of the decision. This is a tough one but not what I feel like you are saying here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say this, but it’s cruel to not have another baby. It seems like you married a great man. He deserves the opportunity to raised a child who is his. I’d try to figure out what you can do to make it work. Realize some of your anxiety may be because of the miscarriage.

You don't "hate to say it" at all, you're obviously frothing with excitement to tell a woman you don't even know that she ought to risk her body, which has already been through plenty, not to mention her mental and emotional health and well-being, as a machine to grow and birth a baby because someone else "wants" one. "Cruel," give me a break, you histrionic sociopath. Go back to your handmaiden duties. OP, ignore this person.

OP - don’t have the baby and you can end up as happy as PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to say this, but it’s cruel to not have another baby. It seems like you married a great man. He deserves the opportunity to raised a child who is his. I’d try to figure out what you can do to make it work. Realize some of your anxiety may be because of the miscarriage.

You don't "hate to say it" at all, you're obviously frothing with excitement to tell a woman you don't even know that she ought to risk her body, which has already been through plenty, not to mention her mental and emotional health and well-being, as a machine to grow and birth a baby because someone else "wants" one. "Cruel," give me a break, you histrionic sociopath. Go back to your handmaiden duties. OP, ignore this person.

You sound like you’re projecting. Frothing with excitement? What a strange assumption and says a lot about you.

It’s not just “someone” who wants a baby. It’s her husband who I assume she is in love with.

[Anonymous]

That’s a devastating loss. Give yourself space. I am guessing you’re recoiling from the pressure on top of your other concerns.