NT Child and ADHD Child Don’t Get Along

[Anonymous]

Try to do as much as you can as a family that creates good feelings. It’s hard to find something. We have a similar dynamic. Our boys like to ski together and can do it in peace (better not to ride next to each other on the lift)! They both love fajitas and can do a family dinner in a restaurant (ADHD kid calmer in public). Movies on separate couches with dad there to support. Try to find something to build shared memories and a start to good will. It’s such a challenge!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you doing to help your ADHD child learn to behave?

Also curious if the Nt sons hears one of you talking to the other parent, who may have ADHD as well.

Anyhow, everyone needs to be kind. Kind of pointing out an ADHD moment, and kind apologizing for it or needing help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell NT it’s not his job to parent, and you’ll do it. Then you actually have to do it. Apologize to NT for telling him to put up with his brother hitting him, and for you telling him to put up with it. That was wrong of you.

Don’t normalize any of this OP. Just like I don’t like when teachers tell the whole class to put up with the impulsive behavior kid tripping and punching others. Not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two teens, one is neurotypical (NT) and one has ADHD and anxiety (both boys, three years apart). They have not gotten along very well since they were small because the ADHD child would always hit his sibling. We have told the NT child repeatedly to try to understand what’s happening with the ADHD child. There was a time when NT child tried to bond with his brother and help him socially in school, but ADHD child didn’t see what his brother was doing as help and lashed out. As a result, NT child backed off and the relationship was distant again.

What I’m seeing now is NT child regularly admonishing his ADHD brother for behavior that is classic ADHD, such as forgetfulness, dallying, odd social manners, etc. It’s gotten so bad that ADHD child no longer wants to spend any time at all with is brother, and I don’t really blame him. DH and I have repeatedly spoken with NT child about backing off and even stopping contact, but it’s hard when we’re all under the same roof. I want to continue working on their relationship because I don’t want them to grow into adults who hate each other. Any suggestions?

Stop siding with the ADHD kid over his sibling. You expected your NT child to accept being hit and lashed out at when he tried to bond with his sibling. You didn't think, "NT child doesn't want to spend time with a sibling who hits him and lashes out at him when he tries to help, and I don't really blame him." Instead, you make no allowances for your NT child's feelings or mistakes. Your NT child probably feels that you excuse his brother's behavior, and that no one is holding his brother accountable for bad behavior, and that you're holding them both to different, unfair standards. If you regularly take the same kid's side, you can't expect them to have a good relationship. You need to acknowledge that his brother's behavior sometimes negatively affects him, and not immediately jump to defending his brother. Help him accept that it's not his place to, and he can't, change his brother, but also, he doesn't have to accept poor treatment from him, either. And make sure that you are appreciating his own struggles and achievements, not just his brother's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell NT it’s not his job to parent, and you’ll do it. Then you actually have to do it. Apologize to NT for telling him to put up with his brother hitting him, and for you telling him to put up with it. That was wrong of you.

Don’t normalize any of this OP. Just like I don’t like when teachers tell the whole class to put up with the impulsive behavior kid tripping and punching others. Not normal.

+1
If you want NT sibling to stop "parenting," then you have to do it. And it's not okay to tell him to put up with hitting and being lashed out at; you dismissed his feelings and normalized the mistreatment. You should have praised him for trying to help his brother, instead of expecting him to just take the abuse.

[Anonymous]

We have this dynamic and I think there are a lot of good ideas here. One that has worked for mine is for them to find some things they like to do without parents - for some reason those go better.

Like yesterday we were at the mall and they love this one store, they went off to buy stuff together, had a lovely 30 minutes and then we drove home.

Short good spurts help some.

Also, I thought Siblings Without Rivalry had some good ideas - harder to implement with ADHD son but still some good ideas.

[Anonymous]

There is a ton of projecting going on in this thread. How do you know OP tolerated or allowed the hitting? We have never tolerated my SN child hitting or being annoying. Ever. He has been removed, consequences have been given, behavior plans, etc etc. and yet, at home, he still engages in these behaviors and is still given consequences. I am assuming OP is similar. It is tiresome and asinine how little presumption of competence is afforded to parents on this forum and for parents of SN children in general. Your hard and fast rules don’t work for this situation. Should OP have the children live in separate homes? No? Explain how she should have kept them totally separate all this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you doing to help your ADHD child learn to behave?

+1, it sounds like you are giving them a free pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You asked a child....your child, to accept abuse from his sibling. How would you feel/react toward a sibling if your parents told you that you had to allow your ADHD sibling to assault you?

You say your NT child even tried to help his sibling adjust and fit in at school, but when the ADHD child lashed out at him, there were not any consequences for doing so...instead you made excuses for him. Meanwhile, the child that's doing the right thing not only didn't get rewarded...he got chastized.

Again, your NT child is a CHILD....how do you expect a child to deal with all this? There is tension in the house, he probably feels anxious at school because of his brothers behavior, he probably feels anxious at home due to the parentally sanctioned abuse that he's been told to accept by his parents and he probably feels some level of anger and sadness from the apparent favoritism shown to his brother.

I think family therapy for everyone is a good idea...you may also want to look into parenting classes for parents with special needs children. Good luck with everything..

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a ton of projecting going on in this thread. How do you know OP tolerated or allowed the hitting? We have never tolerated my SN child hitting or being annoying. Ever. He has been removed, consequences have been given, behavior plans, etc etc. and yet, at home, he still engages in these behaviors and is still given consequences. I am assuming OP is similar. It is tiresome and asinine how little presumption of competence is afforded to parents on this forum and for parents of SN children in general. Your hard and fast rules don’t work for this situation. Should OP have the children live in separate homes? No? Explain how she should have kept them totally separate all this time.

Repeatedly doing what doesn't work is the opposite of competence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a ton of projecting going on in this thread. How do you know OP tolerated or allowed the hitting? We have never tolerated my SN child hitting or being annoying. Ever. He has been removed, consequences have been given, behavior plans, etc etc. and yet, at home, he still engages in these behaviors and is still given consequences. I am assuming OP is similar. It is tiresome and asinine how little presumption of competence is afforded to parents on this forum and for parents of SN children in general. Your hard and fast rules don’t work for this situation. Should OP have the children live in separate homes? No? Explain how she should have kept them totally separate all this time.

Whether or not OP tolerated the hitting, she dismissed her NT kid's feelings and basically told him that he needed to "understand" his ADHD sibling. When he tried to be kind and helpful, the ADHD sibling lashed out. The OP is full of understanding for her ADHD son, but much less for the other son. Constantly demanding that one sibling accept and understand the other, effectively taking one kid's side, is toxic for sibling relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You asked a child....your child, to accept abuse from his sibling. How would you feel/react toward a sibling if your parents told you that you had to allow your ADHD sibling to assault you?

You say your NT child even tried to help his sibling adjust and fit in at school, but when the ADHD child lashed out at him, there were not any consequences for doing so...instead you made excuses for him. Meanwhile, the child that's doing the right thing not only didn't get rewarded...he got chastized.

Again, your NT child is a CHILD....how do you expect a child to deal with all this? There is tension in the house, he probably feels anxious at school because of his brothers behavior, he probably feels anxious at home due to the parentally sanctioned abuse that he's been told to accept by his parents and he probably feels some level of anger and sadness from the apparent favoritism shown to his brother.

I think family therapy for everyone is a good idea...you may also want to look into parenting classes for parents with special needs children. Good luck with everything..

This is a sanctimonious, nasty post. The adhd child is also a CHILD. What should she do, rehome him? If you haven’t dealt with this, you have NO idea. And you also need to read more closely. The adhd child has been emotionally abused by the NT child and now wants nothing to do with the NT child. There is no support for your argument about favoritism. Also, if hitting siblings is abuse, it’s a rare rare child with siblings that has not suffered such abuse. It sounds like the parents stepped in and stopped that.

I disagree, I think the pp has a point, it does seem really hard on the NT child to just accept his brother's behavior. It sounds like he is now trying to be the parent.

Look, this is tough stuff. If you don’t have anything on point to say, don’t step in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You asked a child....your child, to accept abuse from his sibling. How would you feel/react toward a sibling if your parents told you that you had to allow your ADHD sibling to assault you?

You say your NT child even tried to help his sibling adjust and fit in at school, but when the ADHD child lashed out at him, there were not any consequences for doing so...instead you made excuses for him. Meanwhile, the child that's doing the right thing not only didn't get rewarded...he got chastized.

Again, your NT child is a CHILD....how do you expect a child to deal with all this? There is tension in the house, he probably feels anxious at school because of his brothers behavior, he probably feels anxious at home due to the parentally sanctioned abuse that he's been told to accept by his parents and he probably feels some level of anger and sadness from the apparent favoritism shown to his brother.

I think family therapy for everyone is a good idea...you may also want to look into parenting classes for parents with special needs children. Good luck with everything..

This is a sanctimonious, nasty post. The adhd child is also a CHILD. What should she do, rehome him? If you haven’t dealt with this, you have NO idea. And you also need to read more closely. The adhd child has been emotionally abused by the NT child and now wants nothing to do with the NT child. There is no support for your argument about favoritism. Also, if hitting siblings is abuse, it’s a rare rare child with siblings that has not suffered such abuse. It sounds like the parents stepped in and stopped that.

I disagree, I think the pp has a point, it does seem really hard on the NT child to just accept his brother's behavior. It sounds like he is now trying to be the parent.

Look, this is tough stuff. If you don’t have anything on point to say, don’t step in.

Just because you disagree doesn't mean the pp was wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a ton of projecting going on in this thread. How do you know OP tolerated or allowed the hitting? We have never tolerated my SN child hitting or being annoying. Ever. He has been removed, consequences have been given, behavior plans, etc etc. and yet, at home, he still engages in these behaviors and is still given consequences. I am assuming OP is similar. It is tiresome and asinine how little presumption of competence is afforded to parents on this forum and for parents of SN children in general. Your hard and fast rules don’t work for this situation. Should OP have the children live in separate homes? No? Explain how she should have kept them totally separate all this time.

Whether or not OP tolerated the hitting, she dismissed her NT kid's feelings and basically told him that he needed to "understand" his ADHD sibling. When he tried to be kind and helpful, the ADHD sibling lashed out. The OP is full of understanding for her ADHD son, but much less for the other son. Constantly demanding that one sibling accept and understand the other, effectively taking one kid's side, is toxic for sibling relationships.

Oh gosh I agree there is a lot of projection or SOMETHING going on here. It’s classic DCUM to bash the OP but usually people on the SN group have slightly more empathy and aren’t quite so quick to assume the worst possible interpretation of every sentence. I have a very similar DC and we have never tolerated poor behavior especially anything physical. We have also had age appropriate discussions about how DC1 is working on this and we are getting them extra help. I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. We have a different dynamic where DC2 is younger but has figured out he can goad DC1 into exploding (yelling and name calling) so that they get in trouble, rather than hitting or something themselves. I feel like I hover more than ideal because I can’t excuse the explosion but especially after a long day of school it’s just too much sometimes. So if they are arguing and I feel like it’s getting out control they are separated. I try to do it without judgment toward either kid (assuming there has not been any horrible name calling or anything physical) but I feel like parenting books are always like “oh let them figure it out” and mine just can’t, or not in a way that I’m ok with.

Anyway maybe that’s terrible and we have been trying to get more parent training but I’m just doing the best I can for now. I think the keys are
1) both kids get the same consequences for the same actions
2) big consequences are saved for a handful of absolute no gos like hitting and name calling
3) try to have 1:1 time with each kid
4) encourage any activity they can do nicely together (even video games or whatever) to create situations where they can be successful.
5) don’t ever ever compare. Actually don’t talk about the kids to each other if you can help it. I think I read that in siblings without rivalry.

I’m sure there’s more. Wish I knew. I can’t believe how much I have to intervene with my kids still…

[Anonymous]

Wow, usually posters in SN are much more supportive than this. I'm sorry people are being accusatory here, OP. You can't change the past, but you can change the future, and I think that's where you have to focus. It doesn't really matter how you got to this point - probably you erred on the side of being too lenient at some points and too strict at others with each child, and that's how it is for nearly all of us. Some kids roll with that and get through it, and others less so.

COVID meant even more togetherness than normal, and my kids who previously got along well started to fight a lot more. My NT and ADHD kid also have struggles not completely different from yours, and their age range is similar. I think some of it has to due with the point they are in their lives, too - ages 1 and 4 were pretty good; ages 6 and 10 were tough, etc.

I would focus on doing separate things with them and keeping them separate to bolster up each of them for a while. Ensure they feel connected with you and their other parent if there is one involved. Be present and ready to step in whenever they are together, and try to minimize how much time they are together without an adult there. Help them focus on positive things and distract when the other is likely to trigger them.

Also, don't focus so much on the future. Who knows that that will bring, so don't focus on building this theoretical friendship between them for life. It may or may not happen, and that may or may not bother them. Family therapy can also be great and help you identify some things to focus on.