Reply to NT Child and ADHD Child Don’t Get Along

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Reply to "NT Child and ADHD Child Don’t Get Along"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There is a ton of projecting going on in this thread. How do you know OP tolerated or allowed the hitting? We have never tolerated my SN child hitting or being annoying. Ever. He has been removed, consequences have been given, behavior plans, etc  etc. and yet, at home, he still engages in these behaviors and is still given consequences. I am assuming OP is similar. It is tiresome and asinine how little presumption of competence is afforded to parents on this forum and for parents of SN children in general. Your hard and fast rules don’t work for this situation. Should OP have the children live in separate homes? No? Explain how she should have kept them totally separate all this time. [/quote]

Whether or not OP tolerated the hitting, she dismissed her NT kid's feelings and basically told him that he needed to "understand" his ADHD sibling.  When he tried to be kind and helpful, the ADHD sibling lashed out.  The OP is full of understanding for her ADHD son, but much less for the other son.  Constantly demanding that one sibling accept and understand the other, effectively taking one kid's side, is toxic for sibling relationships.  [/quote]

Oh gosh I agree there is a lot of projection or SOMETHING going on here. It’s classic DCUM to bash the OP but usually people on the SN group have slightly more empathy and aren’t quite so quick to assume the worst possible interpretation of every sentence. I have a very similar DC and we have never tolerated poor behavior especially anything physical. We have also had age appropriate discussions about how DC1 is working on this and we are getting them extra help. I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. We have a different dynamic where DC2 is younger but has figured out he can goad DC1 into exploding (yelling and name calling) so that they get in trouble, rather than hitting or something themselves. I feel like I hover more than ideal because I can’t excuse the explosion but especially after a long day of school it’s just too much sometimes. So if they are arguing and I feel like it’s getting out control they are separated. I try to do it without judgment toward either kid (assuming there has not been any horrible name calling or anything physical) but I feel like parenting books are always like “oh let them figure it out” and mine just can’t, or not in a way that I’m ok with.

Anyway maybe that’s terrible and we have been trying to get more parent training but I’m just doing the best I can for now. I think the keys are 
1) both kids get the same consequences for the same actions 
2) big consequences are saved for a handful of absolute no gos like hitting and name calling 
3) try to have 1:1 time with each kid 
4) encourage any activity they can do nicely together (even video games or whatever) to create situations where they can be successful. 
5) don’t ever ever compare. Actually don’t talk about the kids to each other if you can help it. I think I read that in siblings without rivalry.

I’m sure there’s more. Wish I knew. I can’t believe how much I have to intervene with my kids still…[/quote]

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