NT Child and ADHD Child Don’t Get Along

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a ton of projecting going on in this thread. How do you know OP tolerated or allowed the hitting? We have never tolerated my SN child hitting or being annoying. Ever. He has been removed, consequences have been given, behavior plans, etc etc. and yet, at home, he still engages in these behaviors and is still given consequences. I am assuming OP is similar. It is tiresome and asinine how little presumption of competence is afforded to parents on this forum and for parents of SN children in general. Your hard and fast rules don’t work for this situation. Should OP have the children live in separate homes? No? Explain how she should have kept them totally separate all this time.

Repeatedly doing what doesn't work is the opposite of competence.

Yet, adhd often means needing many many repetitions to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You asked a child....your child, to accept abuse from his sibling. How would you feel/react toward a sibling if your parents told you that you had to allow your ADHD sibling to assault you?

You say your NT child even tried to help his sibling adjust and fit in at school, but when the ADHD child lashed out at him, there were not any consequences for doing so...instead you made excuses for him. Meanwhile, the child that's doing the right thing not only didn't get rewarded...he got chastized.

Again, your NT child is a CHILD....how do you expect a child to deal with all this? There is tension in the house, he probably feels anxious at school because of his brothers behavior, he probably feels anxious at home due to the parentally sanctioned abuse that he's been told to accept by his parents and he probably feels some level of anger and sadness from the apparent favoritism shown to his brother.

I think family therapy for everyone is a good idea...you may also want to look into parenting classes for parents with special needs children. Good luck with everything..

This is a sanctimonious, nasty post. The adhd child is also a CHILD. What should she do, rehome him? If you haven’t dealt with this, you have NO idea. And you also need to read more closely. The adhd child has been emotionally abused by the NT child and now wants nothing to do with the NT child. There is no support for your argument about favoritism. Also, if hitting siblings is abuse, it’s a rare rare child with siblings that has not suffered such abuse. It sounds like the parents stepped in and stopped that.

Look, this is tough stuff. If you don’t have anything on point to say, don’t step in.

Where did you see that in the OP? It isn't there.

Oh, and I'm an adult with ADHD raising a kid with ADHD and your little rant could not be not more off base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You asked a child....your child, to accept abuse from his sibling. How would you feel/react toward a sibling if your parents told you that you had to allow your ADHD sibling to assault you?

You say your NT child even tried to help his sibling adjust and fit in at school, but when the ADHD child lashed out at him, there were not any consequences for doing so...instead you made excuses for him. Meanwhile, the child that's doing the right thing not only didn't get rewarded...he got chastized.

Again, your NT child is a CHILD....how do you expect a child to deal with all this? There is tension in the house, he probably feels anxious at school because of his brothers behavior, he probably feels anxious at home due to the parentally sanctioned abuse that he's been told to accept by his parents and he probably feels some level of anger and sadness from the apparent favoritism shown to his brother.

I think family therapy for everyone is a good idea...you may also want to look into parenting classes for parents with special needs children. Good luck with everything..

This is a sanctimonious, nasty post. The adhd child is also a CHILD. What should she do, rehome him? If you haven’t dealt with this, you have NO idea. And you also need to read more closely. The adhd child has been emotionally abused by the NT child and now wants nothing to do with the NT child. There is no support for your argument about favoritism. Also, if hitting siblings is abuse, it’s a rare rare child with siblings that has not suffered such abuse. It sounds like the parents stepped in and stopped that.

Look, this is tough stuff. If you don’t have anything on point to say, don’t step in.

Show me where OP says the NT child emotionally abused the ADHD child, because I don't see it. At all.

I’m not sure why you’re struggling with this, but it would be the long section of the post where OP notes that the NT brother regularly “admonishes” the other for things he can’t help and that it’s gotten so bad that the adhd sibling wants nothing to do with the NT sibling. That part. If you want to quibble about whether or not that’s abusive, I will spare you the debate and tell you that it is. Objectively.

You are so strident and yet so wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You asked a child....your child, to accept abuse from his sibling. How would you feel/react toward a sibling if your parents told you that you had to allow your ADHD sibling to assault you?

You say your NT child even tried to help his sibling adjust and fit in at school, but when the ADHD child lashed out at him, there were not any consequences for doing so...instead you made excuses for him. Meanwhile, the child that's doing the right thing not only didn't get rewarded...he got chastized.

Again, your NT child is a CHILD....how do you expect a child to deal with all this? There is tension in the house, he probably feels anxious at school because of his brothers behavior, he probably feels anxious at home due to the parentally sanctioned abuse that he's been told to accept by his parents and he probably feels some level of anger and sadness from the apparent favoritism shown to his brother.

I think family therapy for everyone is a good idea...you may also want to look into parenting classes for parents with special needs children. Good luck with everything..

This is a sanctimonious, nasty post. The adhd child is also a CHILD. What should she do, rehome him? If you haven’t dealt with this, you have NO idea. And you also need to read more closely. The adhd child has been emotionally abused by the NT child and now wants nothing to do with the NT child. There is no support for your argument about favoritism. Also, if hitting siblings is abuse, it’s a rare rare child with siblings that has not suffered such abuse. It sounds like the parents stepped in and stopped that.

Look, this is tough stuff. If you don’t have anything on point to say, don’t step in.

Show me where OP says the NT child emotionally abused the ADHD child, because I don't see it. At all.

I’m not sure why you’re struggling with this, but it would be the long section of the post where OP notes that the NT brother regularly “admonishes” the other for things he can’t help and that it’s gotten so bad that the adhd sibling wants nothing to do with the NT sibling. That part. If you want to quibble about whether or not that’s abusive, I will spare you the debate and tell you that it is. Objectively.

You are so strident and yet so wrong.

Oh yes, I’m the strident one, despite the fact that the OP hasn’t even ventured back after being bashed based on presumptions and speculation. Sure. It sounds like she stopped it because it stopped and it would be the rare parent that didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Every parenting class for neurodiverse families stipulate to Pick Your Battles.
Hitting a sibling is usually one of them. So is tons of sibling bullying.

If it happens, the caretaker stops, walks over to the original offender (by now there may be a squabble so simply sending everyone to their rooms empowers the original offender)c gets low and looks them in the eye, tells them we Do Not Hit Others. not at school, not at the playground, not st home.

Then the offender gets a consequence, that affects them. Less screen time for the week, no dessert on Fridays, goes to room no TV.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I should have been more clear in my in my original post that the hitting the ADHD child was doing was when they were small. We do disclipline the ADHD child and the NT child for bad behavior. We have also been clear with the NT child to leave the parenting to us. We have told them both that we would rather have them be allies against DH and me because there will come a point when they will only have each other to rely on.

The ADHD child has received years of therapy and is on meds. I completely understand where the NT child’s feelings come from, but I am also sympathetic to the fact that the ADHD child is still working on controlling his behaviors. I can honestly say that we don’t favor one child over the other. They are very different kids and we love them both.

The idea of family therapy with both kids going is something I haven’t done and is worth exploring. Thank you for that suggestion. The constant arguing and animosity between the kids now is something that I wish we knew how to overcome because I am at my wits end. They will be at different schools next year, so maybe that will help.

[Anonymous]

Whether or not OP tolerated the hitting, she dismissed her NT kid's feelings and basically told him that he needed to "understand" his ADHD sibling. When he tried to be kind and helpful, the ADHD sibling lashed out. The OP is full of understanding for her ADHD son, but much less for the other son. Constantly demanding that one sibling accept and understand the other, effectively taking one kid's side, is toxic for sibling relationships.

Exactly. When someone has been hit, do not tell them to understand the person who has struck them. It teaches the child that their feelings don’t matter, especially not as much as their sibling’s.

OP, family therapy can help untangle what’s going on in your family and give everyone, including your NT child, a place to be heard. It can also teach you how to hold your ADHD child accountable while being respectful and compassionate about their needs.

[Anonymous]

My NT daughter had a very tough time in elementary school with her HfA older sister. Hfa sister would keep it together at school and let all her day stress/masking out in her sister, or me if working from home. It was quite destructive.

The Nt sister while younger, was years more mature than her older sister and we ultimately kept them in different schools and some sports. Still, even if they didn’t see each other all day, they’d be home together by 6 or 7pm and the HFA one would make menacing faces and start bullying her sister for anything and everything. It was tough. And we’re prob still at that stage. The nanny wouldn’t do much, my spouse doesn’t even notice yelling (plus he is hfa), and I now just get triggered and sad. It’s only 5% of the time but I doubt I or the nt sister forget those nasty episodes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every parenting class for neurodiverse families stipulate to Pick Your Battles.
Hitting a sibling is usually one of them. So is tons of sibling bullying.

If it happens, the caretaker stops, walks over to the original offender (by now there may be a squabble so simply sending everyone to their rooms empowers the original offender)c gets low and looks them in the eye, tells them we Do Not Hit Others. not at school, not at the playground, not st home.

Then the offender gets a consequence, that affects them. Less screen time for the week, no dessert on Fridays, goes to room no TV.

NP here, in a somewhat similar situation as OP and other posters. One variation on this scenario, that sometimes happens in our house is that the younger NT sibling does lightly hits the older ADHD sibling. Then the older sibling takes it up a notch (or 10) by smacking the younger sibling. What is recommended then? To be honest I’m not sure our responses have always been consistent (working on that), but most recently we did admonish the older adhd child more because they escalated and then some.

Also, OP, good luck to you and sorry to see you’ve gotten so many judgmental posts. I’m used to seeing better on this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every parenting class for neurodiverse families stipulate to Pick Your Battles.
Hitting a sibling is usually one of them. So is tons of sibling bullying.

If it happens, the caretaker stops, walks over to the original offender (by now there may be a squabble so simply sending everyone to their rooms empowers the original offender)c gets low and looks them in the eye, tells them we Do Not Hit Others. not at school, not at the playground, not st home.

Then the offender gets a consequence, that affects them. Less screen time for the week, no dessert on Fridays, goes to room no TV.

NP here, in a somewhat similar situation as OP and other posters. One variation on this scenario, that sometimes happens in our house is that the younger NT sibling does lightly hits the older ADHD sibling. Then the older sibling takes it up a notch (or 10) by smacking the younger sibling. What is recommended then? To be honest I’m not sure our responses have always been consistent (working on that), but most recently we did admonish the older adhd child more because they escalated and then some.

Also, OP, good luck to you and sorry to see you’ve gotten so many judgmental posts. I’m used to seeing better on this board.

I wasn’t being clear, but in our scenario, younger NT kid does something relatively small, and then Older ADHD child cannot let go and escalates, continues to retaliate, so we’re not just talking about one hit back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every parenting class for neurodiverse families stipulate to Pick Your Battles.
Hitting a sibling is usually one of them. So is tons of sibling bullying.

If it happens, the caretaker stops, walks over to the original offender (by now there may be a squabble so simply sending everyone to their rooms empowers the original offender)c gets low and looks them in the eye, tells them we Do Not Hit Others. not at school, not at the playground, not st home.

Then the offender gets a consequence, that affects them. Less screen time for the week, no dessert on Fridays, goes to room no TV.

NP here, in a somewhat similar situation as OP and other posters. One variation on this scenario, that sometimes happens in our house is that the younger NT sibling does lightly hits the older ADHD sibling. Then the older sibling takes it up a notch (or 10) by smacking the younger sibling. What is recommended then? To be honest I’m not sure our responses have always been consistent (working on that), but most recently we did admonish the older adhd child more because they escalated and then some.

Also, OP, good luck to you and sorry to see you’ve gotten so many judgmental posts. I’m used to seeing better on this board.

I bet at lot of the people posting on this thread do not have kids with SN. Probably came from hot topics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every parenting class for neurodiverse families stipulate to Pick Your Battles.
Hitting a sibling is usually one of them. So is tons of sibling bullying.

If it happens, the caretaker stops, walks over to the original offender (by now there may be a squabble so simply sending everyone to their rooms empowers the original offender)c gets low and looks them in the eye, tells them we Do Not Hit Others. not at school, not at the playground, not st home.

Then the offender gets a consequence, that affects them. Less screen time for the week, no dessert on Fridays, goes to room no TV.

NP here, in a somewhat similar situation as OP and other posters. One variation on this scenario, that sometimes happens in our house is that the younger NT sibling does lightly hits the older ADHD sibling. Then the older sibling takes it up a notch (or 10) by smacking the younger sibling. What is recommended then? To be honest I’m not sure our responses have always been consistent (working on that), but most recently we did admonish the older adhd child more because they escalated and then some.

Also, OP, good luck to you and sorry to see you’ve gotten so many judgmental posts. I’m used to seeing better on this board.

I bet at lot of the people posting on this thread do not have kids with SN. Probably came from hot topics.

No, we do have kids with SN. But it's not an excuse. It means they need to work harder, it doesn't mean we feel sympathy for them or give them pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every parenting class for neurodiverse families stipulate to Pick Your Battles.
Hitting a sibling is usually one of them. So is tons of sibling bullying.

If it happens, the caretaker stops, walks over to the original offender (by now there may be a squabble so simply sending everyone to their rooms empowers the original offender)c gets low and looks them in the eye, tells them we Do Not Hit Others. not at school, not at the playground, not st home.

Then the offender gets a consequence, that affects them. Less screen time for the week, no dessert on Fridays, goes to room no TV.

NP here, in a somewhat similar situation as OP and other posters. One variation on this scenario, that sometimes happens in our house is that the younger NT sibling does lightly hits the older ADHD sibling. Then the older sibling takes it up a notch (or 10) by smacking the younger sibling. What is recommended then? To be honest I’m not sure our responses have always been consistent (working on that), but most recently we did admonish the older adhd child more because they escalated and then some.

Also, OP, good luck to you and sorry to see you’ve gotten so many judgmental posts. I’m used to seeing better on this board.

I bet at lot of the people posting on this thread do not have kids with SN. Probably came from hot topics.

Doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every parenting class for neurodiverse families stipulate to Pick Your Battles.
Hitting a sibling is usually one of them. So is tons of sibling bullying.

If it happens, the caretaker stops, walks over to the original offender (by now there may be a squabble so simply sending everyone to their rooms empowers the original offender)c gets low and looks them in the eye, tells them we Do Not Hit Others. not at school, not at the playground, not st home.

Then the offender gets a consequence, that affects them. Less screen time for the week, no dessert on Fridays, goes to room no TV.

NP here, in a somewhat similar situation as OP and other posters. One variation on this scenario, that sometimes happens in our house is that the younger NT sibling does lightly hits the older ADHD sibling. Then the older sibling takes it up a notch (or 10) by smacking the younger sibling. What is recommended then? To be honest I’m not sure our responses have always been consistent (working on that), but most recently we did admonish the older adhd child more because they escalated and then some.

Also, OP, good luck to you and sorry to see you’ve gotten so many judgmental posts. I’m used to seeing better on this board.

I bet at lot of the people posting on this thread do not have kids with SN. Probably came from hot topics.

No, we do have kids with SN. But it's not an excuse. It means they need to work harder, it doesn't mean we feel sympathy for them or give them pass.

Good lord. Get a clue. There are varying degrees of special needs. My son has ID and behavior modification is beyond hard. Based on your judgmental, exacting advice, I should’ve sent him away by now. The thing is, he exists, he’s disabled, his disabilities cause severe social issues he can’t be disciplined or therapized out and we try and we don’t accept and se acknowledge it’s hard and give separate time in spades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every parenting class for neurodiverse families stipulate to Pick Your Battles.
Hitting a sibling is usually one of them. So is tons of sibling bullying.

If it happens, the caretaker stops, walks over to the original offender (by now there may be a squabble so simply sending everyone to their rooms empowers the original offender)c gets low and looks them in the eye, tells them we Do Not Hit Others. not at school, not at the playground, not st home.

Then the offender gets a consequence, that affects them. Less screen time for the week, no dessert on Fridays, goes to room no TV.

NP here, in a somewhat similar situation as OP and other posters. One variation on this scenario, that sometimes happens in our house is that the younger NT sibling does lightly hits the older ADHD sibling. Then the older sibling takes it up a notch (or 10) by smacking the younger sibling. What is recommended then? To be honest I’m not sure our responses have always been consistent (working on that), but most recently we did admonish the older adhd child more because they escalated and then some.

Also, OP, good luck to you and sorry to see you’ve gotten so many judgmental posts. I’m used to seeing better on this board.

I bet at lot of the people posting on this thread do not have kids with SN. Probably came from hot topics.

No, we do have kids with SN. But it's not an excuse. It means they need to work harder, it doesn't mean we feel sympathy for them or give them pass.

Good lord. Get a clue. There are varying degrees of special needs. My son has ID and behavior modification is beyond hard. Based on your judgmental, exacting advice, I should’ve sent him away by now. The thing is, he exists, he’s disabled, his disabilities cause severe social issues he can’t be disciplined or therapized out and we try and we don’t accept and se acknowledge it’s hard and give separate time in spades.

Did I say my kids are easy? I don't blame sibling for not accepting, not tolerating, or sometimes not even liking his brother though.