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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have two teens, one is neurotypical (NT)  and one has ADHD and anxiety (both boys, three years apart).  They have not gotten along very well since they were small because [b]the ADHD child would always hit his sibling[/b].  [b]We have told the NT child repeatedly to try to understand what’s happening with the ADHD child. There was a time when NT child tried to bond with his brother and help him socially in school, but ADHD child didn’t see what his brother was doing as help and lashed out.[/b]  As a result, NT child backed off and the relationship was distant again.

What I’m seeing now is NT child regularly admonishing his ADHD brother for behavior that is classic ADHD, such as forgetfulness, dallying, odd social manners, etc. It’s gotten so bad that ADHD child no longer wants to spend any time at all with is brother, and [b]I don’t really blame him[/b]. DH and I have repeatedly spoken with NT child about backing off and even stopping contact, but it’s hard when we’re all under the same roof. I want to continue working on their relationship because I don’t want them to grow into adults who hate each other. Any suggestions?[/quote]
Stop siding with the ADHD kid over his sibling.  You expected your NT child to accept being hit and lashed out at when he tried to bond with his sibling.  You didn't think, "NT child doesn't want to spend time with a sibling who hits him and lashes out at him when he tries to help, and I don't really blame him."  Instead, you make no allowances for your NT child's feelings or mistakes.  Your NT child probably feels that you excuse his brother's behavior, and that no one is holding his brother accountable for bad behavior, and that you're holding them both to different, unfair standards.  If you regularly take the same kid's side, you can't expect them to have a good relationship.  You need to acknowledge that his brother's behavior sometimes negatively affects him, and not immediately jump to defending his brother.  Help him accept that it's not his place to, and he can't, change his brother, but also, he doesn't have to accept poor treatment from him, either.  And make sure that you are appreciating his own struggles and achievements, not just his brother's.  [/quote]

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