NT Child and ADHD Child Don’t Get Along

[Anonymous]

I have two teens, one is neurotypical (NT) and one has ADHD and anxiety (both boys, three years apart). They have not gotten along very well since they were small because the ADHD child would always hit his sibling. We have told the NT child repeatedly to try to understand what’s happening with the ADHD child. There was a time when NT child tried to bond with his brother and help him socially in school, but ADHD child didn’t see what his brother was doing as help and lashed out. As a result, NT child backed off and the relationship was distant again.

What I’m seeing now is NT child regularly admonishing his ADHD brother for behavior that is classic ADHD, such as forgetfulness, dallying, odd social manners, etc. It’s gotten so bad that ADHD child no longer wants to spend any time at all with is brother, and I don’t really blame him. DH and I have repeatedly spoken with NT child about backing off and even stopping contact, but it’s hard when we’re all under the same roof. I want to continue working on their relationship because I don’t want them to grow into adults who hate each other. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Send them to a family therapist. Both alone and together, and without you. They need a chance to talk through what they feel and want with a facilitator and without your worldview dominating.

[Anonymous]

What are you doing to help your ADHD child learn to behave?

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're trolling but this reads like a troll post. In your post, you are just upset with one DC and seem to be constantly excusing the other DC. That's not a way to promote a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

We have the exact same dynamic with my 10 and 9 year old and I am going to enlist family therapy. And we are doing all that is possible to help my child behave. He has other issues, and medication, intense therapy, speech, OT, behavior therapy, SN school, social skills groups - none have helped with behavior so far. So I need my NT child to do some accepting, ignoring and empathy, while having tons of special alone time and separate school, activities and one on one time and she will not get on board. It’s very very hard. Following this thread.

[Anonymous]

Tell NT it’s not his job to parent, and you’ll do it. Then you actually have to do it. Apologize to NT for telling him to put up with his brother hitting him, and for you telling him to put up with it. That was wrong of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two teens, one is neurotypical (NT) and one has ADHD and anxiety (both boys, three years apart). They have not gotten along very well since they were small because the ADHD child would always hit his sibling. We have told the NT child repeatedly to try to understand what’s happening with the ADHD child. There was a time when NT child tried to bond with his brother and help him socially in school, but ADHD child didn’t see what his brother was doing as help and lashed out. As a result, NT child backed off and the relationship was distant again.

What I’m seeing now is NT child regularly admonishing his ADHD brother for behavior that is classic ADHD, such as forgetfulness, dallying, odd social manners, etc. It’s gotten so bad that ADHD child no longer wants to spend any time at all with is brother, and I don’t really blame him. DH and I have repeatedly spoken with NT child about backing off and even stopping contact, but it’s hard when we’re all under the same roof. I want to continue working on their relationship because I don’t want them to grow into adults who hate each other. Any suggestions?

Having ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse. It doesn't mean he cat behave badly or obnoxiously without consequences, it means he has to work harder.

Maybe they will grow closer when they're older. Maybe they won't.

[Anonymous]

I think family therapy should include the parents too so you learn how best to support a sibling relationship or help mthem be civil while not being close. The therapist can pick up on anything you may be doing subconsciously that seems like favoritism or giving mixed messages. This is not saying you are bad parents-just the opposite. Good parents recognize problems, don't go into denial and get help. It's a challenging dynamic for anyone.

[Anonymous]

You asked a child....your child, to accept abuse from his sibling. How would you feel/react toward a sibling if your parents told you that you had to allow your ADHD sibling to assault you?

You say your NT child even tried to help his sibling adjust and fit in at school, but when the ADHD child lashed out at him, there were not any consequences for doing so...instead you made excuses for him. Meanwhile, the child that's doing the right thing not only didn't get rewarded...he got chastized.

Again, your NT child is a CHILD....how do you expect a child to deal with all this? There is tension in the house, he probably feels anxious at school because of his brothers behavior, he probably feels anxious at home due to the parentally sanctioned abuse that he's been told to accept by his parents and he probably feels some level of anger and sadness from the apparent favoritism shown to his brother.

I think family therapy for everyone is a good idea...you may also want to look into parenting classes for parents with special needs children. Good luck with everything..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You asked a child....your child, to accept abuse from his sibling. How would you feel/react toward a sibling if your parents told you that you had to allow your ADHD sibling to assault you?

You say your NT child even tried to help his sibling adjust and fit in at school, but when the ADHD child lashed out at him, there were not any consequences for doing so...instead you made excuses for him. Meanwhile, the child that's doing the right thing not only didn't get rewarded...he got chastized.

Again, your NT child is a CHILD....how do you expect a child to deal with all this? There is tension in the house, he probably feels anxious at school because of his brothers behavior, he probably feels anxious at home due to the parentally sanctioned abuse that he's been told to accept by his parents and he probably feels some level of anger and sadness from the apparent favoritism shown to his brother.

I think family therapy for everyone is a good idea...you may also want to look into parenting classes for parents with special needs children. Good luck with everything..

This is a sanctimonious, nasty post. The adhd child is also a CHILD. What should she do, rehome him? If you haven’t dealt with this, you have NO idea. And you also need to read more closely. The adhd child has been emotionally abused by the NT child and now wants nothing to do with the NT child. There is no support for your argument about favoritism. Also, if hitting siblings is abuse, it’s a rare rare child with siblings that has not suffered such abuse. It sounds like the parents stepped in and stopped that.

Look, this is tough stuff. If you don’t have anything on point to say, don’t step in.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. I feel for you. It's so complicated. We have different dynamics, but one with significant ADHD and LDs. We have spent thousands and thousands on family therapy with some of the high-quality people mentioned on DCUM. It's only gotten us so far. I know some see it as a magic bullet, but my NT kid really, really hates therapy, so it just adds to the stress and annoyance factor.

I'm going to keep an eye on this thread for ideas. Some suggestions (besides talking/processing) that have come out of this very expensive therapy:

- Build a support network to give your NT kid breaks -- friends or family that you can lean on and send them for overnights or visits. It helped us to be honest with a few of our nearest and dearest about how hard it gets.

- Stay on top of the medications for your child with ADHD. The mornings before meds are on board and the evenings after they wear off are tough. You can't put them on a stimulant every waking hour, so it takes some creative doctoring to come up with 24-hour solutions. If your doctor is not at least trying to help around the clock, switch.

- Our NT kid needed help with anxiety. Something to keep an eye on. This does get stressful.

- If you can spring it, sleepaway camps for anyone who wants to go. Summer is structureless and hard.

A lot of this may sound obvious, but -- please -- people, be nice. There are no magic bullets in therapy. If you are not actually dealing with real-deal ADHD, it's really hard to understand just how difficult it gets and how few solutions there are.

[Anonymous]

Is the NT kid older?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You asked a child....your child, to accept abuse from his sibling. How would you feel/react toward a sibling if your parents told you that you had to allow your ADHD sibling to assault you?

You say your NT child even tried to help his sibling adjust and fit in at school, but when the ADHD child lashed out at him, there were not any consequences for doing so...instead you made excuses for him. Meanwhile, the child that's doing the right thing not only didn't get rewarded...he got chastized.

Again, your NT child is a CHILD....how do you expect a child to deal with all this? There is tension in the house, he probably feels anxious at school because of his brothers behavior, he probably feels anxious at home due to the parentally sanctioned abuse that he's been told to accept by his parents and he probably feels some level of anger and sadness from the apparent favoritism shown to his brother.

I think family therapy for everyone is a good idea...you may also want to look into parenting classes for parents with special needs children. Good luck with everything..

This is a sanctimonious, nasty post. The adhd child is also a CHILD. What should she do, rehome him? If you haven’t dealt with this, you have NO idea. And you also need to read more closely. The adhd child has been emotionally abused by the NT child and now wants nothing to do with the NT child. There is no support for your argument about favoritism. Also, if hitting siblings is abuse, it’s a rare rare child with siblings that has not suffered such abuse. It sounds like the parents stepped in and stopped that.

Look, this is tough stuff. If you don’t have anything on point to say, don’t step in.

Show me where OP says the NT child emotionally abused the ADHD child, because I don't see it. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You asked a child....your child, to accept abuse from his sibling. How would you feel/react toward a sibling if your parents told you that you had to allow your ADHD sibling to assault you?

You say your NT child even tried to help his sibling adjust and fit in at school, but when the ADHD child lashed out at him, there were not any consequences for doing so...instead you made excuses for him. Meanwhile, the child that's doing the right thing not only didn't get rewarded...he got chastized.

Again, your NT child is a CHILD....how do you expect a child to deal with all this? There is tension in the house, he probably feels anxious at school because of his brothers behavior, he probably feels anxious at home due to the parentally sanctioned abuse that he's been told to accept by his parents and he probably feels some level of anger and sadness from the apparent favoritism shown to his brother.

I think family therapy for everyone is a good idea...you may also want to look into parenting classes for parents with special needs children. Good luck with everything..

This is a sanctimonious, nasty post. The adhd child is also a CHILD. What should she do, rehome him? If you haven’t dealt with this, you have NO idea. And you also need to read more closely. The adhd child has been emotionally abused by the NT child and now wants nothing to do with the NT child. There is no support for your argument about favoritism. Also, if hitting siblings is abuse, it’s a rare rare child with siblings that has not suffered such abuse. It sounds like the parents stepped in and stopped that.

Look, this is tough stuff. If you don’t have anything on point to say, don’t step in.

I also got the impression from the post that OP sympathizes with ADHD kid’s struggles but not with NT’s struggles. They were both dealt a tough hand, and OP needs to recognize that NT child still gets to be an imperfect child too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You asked a child....your child, to accept abuse from his sibling. How would you feel/react toward a sibling if your parents told you that you had to allow your ADHD sibling to assault you?

You say your NT child even tried to help his sibling adjust and fit in at school, but when the ADHD child lashed out at him, there were not any consequences for doing so...instead you made excuses for him. Meanwhile, the child that's doing the right thing not only didn't get rewarded...he got chastized.

Again, your NT child is a CHILD....how do you expect a child to deal with all this? There is tension in the house, he probably feels anxious at school because of his brothers behavior, he probably feels anxious at home due to the parentally sanctioned abuse that he's been told to accept by his parents and he probably feels some level of anger and sadness from the apparent favoritism shown to his brother.

I think family therapy for everyone is a good idea...you may also want to look into parenting classes for parents with special needs children. Good luck with everything..

This is a sanctimonious, nasty post. The adhd child is also a CHILD. What should she do, rehome him? If you haven’t dealt with this, you have NO idea. And you also need to read more closely. The adhd child has been emotionally abused by the NT child and now wants nothing to do with the NT child. There is no support for your argument about favoritism. Also, if hitting siblings is abuse, it’s a rare rare child with siblings that has not suffered such abuse. It sounds like the parents stepped in and stopped that.

Look, this is tough stuff. If you don’t have anything on point to say, don’t step in.

Show me where OP says the NT child emotionally abused the ADHD child, because I don't see it. At all.

I’m not sure why you’re struggling with this, but it would be the long section of the post where OP notes that the NT brother regularly “admonishes” the other for things he can’t help and that it’s gotten so bad that the adhd sibling wants nothing to do with the NT sibling. That part. If you want to quibble about whether or not that’s abusive, I will spare you the debate and tell you that it is. Objectively.