Why is loneliness in middle age a taboo?

[Anonymous]

Community is the cornerstone of life. If you don’t work to build it throughout your life, you will end up lonely.

[Anonymous]

I think this is quite common. I don’t think it’s a taboo topic, but I agree with others who’ve said it’s something discussed mostly among close friends. Movies, books, and TV make it look like most women have these incredibly close-knit groups of friends, so no one wants to admit otherwise.

So while I don’t think it’s taboo, I do think it’s uncomfortable for acquaintances to hear, and they may be worried they don’t have the emotional energy to meet your needs.

Is it just that you want people to meet for coffee or go to the day spa with? Or are you looking for a tell-everything-to best friend?

[Anonymous]

I'm 50 and have definitely had friends share with me that they wanted to deepen friendships or meet new people. I think the people who are successful really invest time in building friendships. It can take a year to move someone from acquaintance to friend and there will be people who you will try to connect more with and it won't work out. You can do it OP, it just won't be easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is quite common. I don’t think it’s a taboo topic, but I agree with others who’ve said it’s something discussed mostly among close friends. Movies, books, and TV make it look like most women have these incredibly close-knit groups of friends, so no one wants to admit otherwise.

So while I don’t think it’s taboo, I do think it’s uncomfortable for acquaintances to hear, and they may be worried they don’t have the emotional energy to meet your needs.

Is it just that you want people to meet for coffee or go to the day spa with? Or are you looking for a tell-everything-to best friend?

Hi, it's OP here. To answer your questions, I would love to have a couple of female friends to meet for coffee, go to the day spa with, go to a museum or art gallery, maybe go hiking or cycling ... (doesn't have to be one and the same person).
And then maybe a 'friend' can evolve into a 'best' friend.

I admit that I miss having a best friend. I always had a best friend throughout my childhood and teenage years. At college I had a bunch of friends. Once I started working I had friendly co-workers, but no close friends or best friend.

I am friendly with 5 or 6 ladies in my local community and, although we get together for dinner with our husbands 2 or 3 times a year, we don't click enough to become close friends or do fun things together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is quite common. I don’t think it’s a taboo topic, but I agree with others who’ve said it’s something discussed mostly among close friends. Movies, books, and TV make it look like most women have these incredibly close-knit groups of friends, so no one wants to admit otherwise.

So while I don’t think it’s taboo, I do think it’s uncomfortable for acquaintances to hear, and they may be worried they don’t have the emotional energy to meet your needs.

Is it just that you want people to meet for coffee or go to the day spa with? Or are you looking for a tell-everything-to best friend?

Hi, it's OP here. To answer your questions, I would love to have a couple of female friends to meet for coffee, go to the day spa with, go to a museum or art gallery, maybe go hiking or cycling ... (doesn't have to be one and the same person).
And then maybe a 'friend' can evolve into a 'best' friend.

I admit that I miss having a best friend. I always had a best friend throughout my childhood and teenage years. At college I had a bunch of friends. Once I started working I had friendly co-workers, but no close friends or best friend.

I am friendly with 5 or 6 ladies in my local community and, although we get together for dinner with our husbands 2 or 3 times a year, we don't click enough to become close friends or do fun things together.

I think a lot of us feel the same way - but it's...awkward? to say the least to start "dating" friends lol. I'd love to say "I'll be your friend!" but then I think insecurities get in the way and very valid concerns - like not only "will you like me?", are we "compatible" but also all the other things - "are you politically extreme", "are you classist", "are we the same type of people" get in the way.

Meeting people organically at first allows for some of those answers to come - shared interests/schools/kids can at least provide start up conversations whereas just meeting someone online like here is just wide open. And while some of us (me) would say "oh I'd welcome all and I'm inclusive - just be honest and kind and show up" - not everyone is like that. It's super hard at this stage of our lives and I'm not sure how to solve it. But know that you're not alone. Maybe a meetup group? Again - not sure what the fix is...sigh. But I'd like coffee and I like day spas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think what is taboo is saying it out loud. If a friend told me they are lonely I would feel like they are saying “you don’t spend enough time with me” or “you are not a good friend, you aren’t enough”. If it was an acquaintance, I would feel like you were hinting at wanting a closer relationship. Maybe if I wanted the same, that would be good, but often if I wanted a closer relationship I would have worked on making that happen.

Yes. I have a best friend who lives in another state, and I would definitely feel fine telling her that I'm lonely here in DC. But I wouldn't feel OK sharing that with someone local (other than my husband), because of what it would imply about my relationship with the person I'm talking with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think loneliness is taboo - I think it’s very common. Look at all the threads about moms feeling left out with school or neighbor groups. All the threads asking how to make friends.

I think what is taboo is saying it out loud. If a friend told me they are lonely I would feel like they are saying “you don’t spend enough time with me” or “you are not a good friend, you aren’t enough”. If it was an acquaintance, I would feel like you were hinting at wanting a closer relationship. Maybe if I wanted the same, that would be good, but often if I wanted a closer relationship I would have worked on making that happen.

Well not to get into semantics, but if people aren't supposed to say something out loud, that's the definition of "taboo." That's why sex and homosexuality were taboo for so long -- it's not that people weren't doing it, it's that you weren't supposed to talk about it. Mental health is the same -- people have had mental health issues forever, but only recently has it become okay to say it out loud.

But I do think you are right that people tend to personalize these things, and you are spot on that many people would interpret "I feel lonely" as "you're a bad friend for not hanging out with me more." I've experienced that before and that's exactly what it is.

This is one reason people go to therapy, because so many people are bad at simply listening to a friend without judgment. It's such a rare quality.

[Anonymous]

I will be 50 tomorrow (mother of six and grandmother of six), and I am really excited about my life. I am loving every minute of it. To be Free, alive, loved, and to have managed to not accidentally blow myself up while doing some wild stunt in half a century.... that's definitely worth celebrating. The OP should find happiness inside. Learn to be a content person alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is quite common. I don’t think it’s a taboo topic, but I agree with others who’ve said it’s something discussed mostly among close friends. Movies, books, and TV make it look like most women have these incredibly close-knit groups of friends, so no one wants to admit otherwise.

So while I don’t think it’s taboo, I do think it’s uncomfortable for acquaintances to hear, and they may be worried they don’t have the emotional energy to meet your needs.

Is it just that you want people to meet for coffee or go to the day spa with? Or are you looking for a tell-everything-to best friend?

Hi, it's OP here. To answer your questions, I would love to have a couple of female friends to meet for coffee, go to the day spa with, go to a museum or art gallery, maybe go hiking or cycling ... (doesn't have to be one and the same person).
And then maybe a 'friend' can evolve into a 'best' friend.

I admit that I miss having a best friend. I always had a best friend throughout my childhood and teenage years. At college I had a bunch of friends. Once I started working I had friendly co-workers, but no close friends or best friend.

I am friendly with 5 or 6 ladies in my local community and, although we get together for dinner with our husbands 2 or 3 times a year, we don't click enough to become close friends or do fun things together.

Where do you live? Can you join a meetup group? There are tons of them in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s, I have a lovely and supportive husband and a great job. Our house is mortgage-free. We're both in good health. We have savings and investments. We have a second home. We go on vacations, etc.

What is there to be sad about?

Well, I feel lonely and it's bringing me down.

I find it really hard to form close friendships with other women. It's not that I haven't tried, but clearly it's not working. I have a lot of friendly, casual acquaintances but no close friends. No one to call and have a chat with, or meet for coffee.
I don't know what to do about it.

It's bizarre as my job is very people oriented and involves face to face contact with clients all the time. I'm not timid.

When I mention to people that I feel lonely they look at me as if I'm an alien. It's not a topic that people feel comfortable with.

One thing that sets us apart from many other couples is the fact we are childfree, but I don't know if this plays a role.

Any thoughts?

You sound depressed. See your doctor and ask about an anti-depressant. I am not a pill pusher but I had early menopause and my doc prescribed a mild anti depressant and it worked wonders. I only took it for six months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will be 50 tomorrow (mother of six and grandmother of six), and I am really excited about my life. I am loving every minute of it. To be Free, alive, loved, and to have managed to not accidentally blow myself up while doing some wild stunt in half a century.... that's definitely worth celebrating. The OP should find happiness inside. Learn to be a content person alone.

Wow, what a helpful post!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s, I have a lovely and supportive husband and a great job. Our house is mortgage-free. We're both in good health. We have savings and investments. We have a second home. We go on vacations, etc.

What is there to be sad about?

Well, I feel lonely and it's bringing me down.

I find it really hard to form close friendships with other women. It's not that I haven't tried, but clearly it's not working. I have a lot of friendly, casual acquaintances but no close friends. No one to call and have a chat with, or meet for coffee.
I don't know what to do about it.

It's bizarre as my job is very people oriented and involves face to face contact with clients all the time. I'm not timid.

When I mention to people that I feel lonely they look at me as if I'm an alien. It's not a topic that people feel comfortable with.

One thing that sets us apart from many other couples is the fact we are childfree, but I don't know if this plays a role.

Any thoughts?

You sound depressed. See your doctor and ask about an anti-depressant. I am not a pill pusher but I had early menopause and my doc prescribed a mild anti depressant and it worked wonders. I only took it for six months.

I am the OP. One of my SILs has mentioned to DH that she thinks I'm depressed. I don't know if it's depression or not but I do feel down and tearful sometimes.

My work life and my private life couldn't be more different. I am good at my job and I think I am liked by my boss and my co-workers. I'm in charge of small projects and I get consistent excellent feedback from clients.

I guess I'm trying to explain that I have good interpersonal and organizational skills. I'm not a wallflower.

By contrast, in my private life I find it hard to connect with other women. I really do try, but the relationship usually remains fairly superficial and one-sided. A couple of the women I already know tend to turn down my invites to get together/have coffee, or they don't reply at all.
Not sure if age plays a role here but they are 6 to 10 years older than me, which means they're in the 60-64 age range.

[Anonymous]

OP. - I would suggest you try Pickleball in your community as one possible activity that is indoor and outdoor and new to many. We belong to a place that just put in several outdoor courts and the game seems to move fast and folks move around so partners and singles can play. I also have seen women in 50s and early 60s indicate they p,ay who are single and it may be that this is a group you may find friendship in, too. My closest friends are from college though we do not live in same area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your 50s are probably a hard spot for this. Many women your age are still in the middle of raising kids and are squeezed for time and energy. In a few years, many more people your age will be empty nesters and have a bit more time for hobbies, getting together, etc.

This is me but I'm looking for friends. The problem is that most people have already found their tribe and I feel like the assumption is that if you haven't by this point then there is a problem with you. In my case, I am a bit awkward and don't always have the best social skills.

These are just thoughts you’re telling yourself. Most people haven’t found their group — there are tons of people looking for friends. I also don’t think people think there’s a problem with you. I’m awkward and have lots of friends, and frankly, I don’t think the majority of people have good social skills. I give them and me lots of grace.

I only point this out to say do not let your thinking get in your way. Be vulnerable and put yourself out there. I’ve only recently gotten active on LinkedIn, but it is great for meeting people. People are very open to getting to know you over DMs/comments/virtual coffees. I’ve had 5 Zoom coffees over the last few weeks, and have met some great women. But, that is my goal. Don’t take rejection personally, and don’t let it stop you.

[Anonymous]

I’m pp and I’m 49.