Why is loneliness in middle age a taboo?

[Anonymous]

Also, try the Revel community of FB midlife groups.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's taboo.

I think the reason that many people shy away from the topic is that too often when someone mentions this, they are looking for new people to "bond" with and spend more time. As has been pointed out, many of your peers are up to their eyeballs with family commitments. We are the sandwich generation and many are dealing with kids of various ages (depending on how early or late we had kids), and parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, who are having health issues and need more attention. So many people are exhausted and have no room to add anything else including giving more time to someone who is lonely.

So, I think that when you mention it, people are lookin askance because they are afraid that you are looking for someone to spend more time and they just don't have it to give. I've had this happen to me. I had children late in life and in my 50's I have two late ES kids (twins). I have had a number of lonely people around my age who are childfree who have been looking to spend more time with me now that my kids are "older" (e.g. no longer infants or toddlers). They somehow think I have more time to socialize, but I feel I have less time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's taboo.

I think the reason that many people shy away from the topic is that too often when someone mentions this, they are looking for new people to "bond" with and spend more time. As has been pointed out, many of your peers are up to their eyeballs with family commitments. We are the sandwich generation and many are dealing with kids of various ages (depending on how early or late we had kids), and parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, who are having health issues and need more attention. So many people are exhausted and have no room to add anything else including giving more time to someone who is lonely.

So, I think that when you mention it, people are lookin askance because they are afraid that you are looking for someone to spend more time and they just don't have it to give. I've had this happen to me. I had children late in life and in my 50's I have two late ES kids (twins). I have had a number of lonely people around my age who are childfree who have been looking to spend more time with me now that my kids are "older" (e.g. no longer infants or toddlers). They somehow think I have more time to socialize, but I feel I have less time.

OP again. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Are you perhaps thinking that I should look for new friends of a different age range or generation? I'm mid 50s. Would people in their 30s or 40s want to spend time with me? Or people in their 60s or 70s?
I am interested in a wide range of activities and things to do, from visiting museums and art galleries to cycling and hiking.

I may try some Meetup groups. I think they attract people of different age ranges.

[Anonymous]

The only good and worthwhile friendships are those who knew you when, OP.

^^^quoted from previous poster. Never a truer word spoken. I found mom friendships catty and everyone was social climbing. I don't have tons of friends anymore since I dropped the mom thing after having to go back to work. Just a few people I can trust, my sisters, and those who knew me back in the day. I'm in my late 50s Fwiw.

[Anonymous]

Join a social group. Pay membership dues and attend the group’s events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your 50s are probably a hard spot for this. Many women your age are still in the middle of raising kids and are squeezed for time and energy. In a few years, many more people your age will be empty nesters and have a bit more time for hobbies, getting together, etc.

This is me but I'm looking for friends. The problem is that most people have already found their tribe and I feel like the assumption is that if you haven't by this point then there is a problem with you. In my case, I am a bit awkward and don't always have the best social skills.

I feel exactly this way. Best friendships are locked in. Patterns for get togethers, travel, celebrations are established. I am also socially a bit awkward. I am 60, getting ready to separate and feel disconnected. I didn’t realize how important forming these relationships until recently. I admire some friends who have this.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar boat. I have reached out to people, but for whatever reason, nothing positive has come out of it. I have tried volunteering, but it's been more of an individual activity than I realized. I started a book club, but that also has not led to friendships, only acquaintances.

Some posts have mentioned meetups and social groups. Would someone be able to post some specific examples or links?

I'm sorry to hear that so many are struggling, and I hope we all find some connections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar boat. I have reached out to people, but for whatever reason, nothing positive has come out of it. I have tried volunteering, but it's been more of an individual activity than I realized. I started a book club, but that also has not led to friendships, only acquaintances.

Some posts have mentioned meetups and social groups. Would someone be able to post some specific examples or links?

I'm sorry to hear that so many are struggling, and I hope we all find some connections.

I hear you and I feel your pain.

I am the OP of this thread. Just like you I feel that I only attract acquaintances but no one moves from 'acquaintance' or 'casual friend' to close/best friend.

My husband and I live in a small community. It's very pretty and safe, and it's generally a very friendly place to live. When we moved here I thought it would be super easy to make friends, but this is not necessarily the case.

Some women are cliquey. Not in an unfriendly or nasty way, but they seem to have a select group of friends and I am not one of them, even after living here for 15+ years. In the meantime they remain cordial and friendly but nothing more. The relationship remains stagnant. Reaching out to them to form a closer friendship just doesn't work.
I don't know if it is me or them.

I wish there were a dating site, but just for friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar boat. I have reached out to people, but for whatever reason, nothing positive has come out of it. I have tried volunteering, but it's been more of an individual activity than I realized. I started a book club, but that also has not led to friendships, only acquaintances.

Some posts have mentioned meetups and social groups. Would someone be able to post some specific examples or links?

I'm sorry to hear that so many are struggling, and I hope we all find some connections.

I hear you and I feel your pain.

I am the OP of this thread. Just like you I feel that I only attract acquaintances but no one moves from 'acquaintance' or 'casual friend' to close/best friend.

My husband and I live in a small community. It's very pretty and safe, and it's generally a very friendly place to live. When we moved here I thought it would be super easy to make friends, but this is not necessarily the case.

Some women are cliquey. Not in an unfriendly or nasty way, but they seem to have a select group of friends and I am not one of them, even after living here for 15+ years. In the meantime they remain cordial and friendly but nothing more. The relationship remains stagnant. Reaching out to them to form a closer friendship just doesn't work.
I don't know if it is me or them.

I wish there were a dating site, but just for friends!

I don't think it's you - I think it's your situation. I am also child-free and a bit older than you. In my opinion, I think that motherhood is such an important and defining part of most women's lives that there may be a subconscious bias when it comes to women who are not. You may understand this feeling as do I since we are child-free. Plus, the simple fact is that women's children usually DO become the primary focus of their time, activities, interests, etc.

Then grandkids come along and in some cases focus on the grandkids becomes all consuming. I have long-term female friends my age who are never "all in" on getting together simply because they don't want to miss out on any potential opportunity to be immediately available, babysit, or otherwise spend time with the grandkids. Want to make plans to have lunch? "Oh, that sounds great unless I need to babysit grandskid(s) at the last minute." I understand that but a friendship never feels good when it's on the back burner.

I've found my conversations differ, too. Understandably, those with kids/grandkids tend to talk more about them and there is not much I can contribute other than superficially since I simply don't know what it's like to be a parent myself - and that is reason enough to keep my lip zipped on any opinion I may have about their situations. When I am with my friends who are child-free we talk about life in general, activities we do, and topics which are more wide-ranging. I think this makes it easier to bond/form friendships as we have some fundamental, common bonds. Just like women who are mothers tend to have that as a common bond. This is my experience FWIW.

I guess I don't have any specific advice other than you are not alone. I've done the volunteering, joining groups, etc. and it has been of limited success. I've met one friend through volunteering who is older than me but has a similar background, same sense of humor, and her children/grandkids are older and live cross country. We seem to have made a good connection and get together a couple of times per month. It takes time but I believe you will find your "people" - just don't give up! If something isn't working, try something else.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same and wonder wonder how we can all connect. If nothing else, we could share what we are going through.

[Anonymous]

New to this thread-I'm also a middle aged woman without kids. Like many of the other PP's, I would recommend joining a Meet Up group, a church or some type of community organization. I agree that it is more challenging to meet new friends when you don't have kids. There are more opportunities to meet people when you have children plus women with kids who are high school aged or younger understandably tend to have less time for friendships that aren't part of something kid related like a sports team, etc.

I will also add-not that it helps make it any easier but you have many positive things in your life that a lot of people would envy (good marriage, good career, very financially stable). We all have areas in our life that need improvement-some people have a ton of friends but have financial issues, some people have a great career but have marital problems, etc. There are very few people (men or women) who "have it all." Try not to get too down on yourself. There are a lot of women who struggle with friendship-you aren't alone. It's been an intermittent issue for me-there are times when for various reasons I've been lonely and times when I haven't been. Even if you have close friends there are times when for various reasons you don't feel connected to them. There tends to be a glorification of female friendships in our country that definitely doesn't always reflect reality.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm 56 and like some other PPs, I'm exhausted because of teenagers, and the college admissions cycle.

But I'll be on the market, so to speak, with a lot of other people my age, very soon, as we become empty-nesters. Ha but I'll look like I've been through the wringer, because I have been through the wringer for such a sustained time...

Anyways, on another note, if you were to get or borrow a dog to walk, it is amazing how many people you can meet. The trick is to walk it at the same time of day. A few years ago, I walked my dog at 6:30am (in order to be back home to get my DC to the bus stop). There were the other 6:30 people--same people, same dogs, so my dog knew those dogs. Then I moved to 7 and it was different people, different dogs, but the same ones, always at 7. You get the idea.

Three people I've met were walking other people's dogs, fyi. One has become my friend.

Now that I've launched one kid, I took my dog to a dog training class. You can meet people there because you chat while you are waiting your turn.

Finally, want to recommend the book "Friends" by Dunbar. I read it with a pen and highlighter. Fascinating book

[Anonymous]

NP here. I hear you OP, and, similarly, because I work in a people relations field, I actually have tons of social activities going on--but many of them are work-related. I thrive on that, and enjoy it, but people you have drinks with aren't the ones you call at 9 p.m. because you are in a life slump, just to talk.

I find in DC we keep everything very surface-y. So I would actually disagree with those who say--join more groups, volunteer more. That's a great way to meet others, but not to truly know them. The way to true friendship is to be vulnerable with people. I have a friend who has worked in two of the same workplaces as me, but while we know the same people, but she is the one who is invited to weddings, vacations with other people 1-1, etc. I realized from that contrast that (1) life stage does make a difference, her kids are grown so she can invest more time getting to know people but (2) most critically, she had some very tough challenges in her life in the last few years and has had to lean on others for help. Vulnerability is part of what creates close bonds. So if you have a need or have a friend who you aren't that close to but wish you had a stronger relationship, try taking that extra step. Be the person who is willing to help out, outside work or the limited social context. Or open up about yourself. You might be surprised. Good luck, OP, and to everyone else out there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your 50s are probably a hard spot for this. Many women your age are still in the middle of raising kids and are squeezed for time and energy. In a few years, many more people your age will be empty nesters and have a bit more time for hobbies, getting together, etc.

This is me but I'm looking for friends. The problem is that most people have already found their tribe and I feel like the assumption is that if you haven't by this point then there is a problem with you. In my case, I am a bit awkward and don't always have the best social skills.

Hi, this is OP here. I can relate to this post. To me it feels like everyone else has found their tribe and I haven't. I know some ladies here and we're friendly, but we're not close. These ladies already knew each other before we moved here. They're in the community choir and they meet for choir practice once a week. That's nice. Unfortunately joining a choir is not my thing.

I've tried asking people out for coffee, but they're either busy or they don't seem eager to get together. I don't know if this is because they have too much on their plate and they're feeling tired, or they don't have the time or they're just not interested.
It's hard.

What are your hobbies? My mom just turned 70 and she is always making new friends. She is very involved at church, goes to water aerobics, multiple book clubs, volunteers at the library, takes art classes at the community center, is on her town house HOA board, etc. My parents left the place they had lived their whole lives to move closer to me and they sought out and joined a bunch of activities.
Sometimes they try something and it doesn’t work out, so then they try something else. Lots of people in their 50s and 60s get into new hobbies as their kids move out.

[Anonymous]

Friends are overrated. You need to practice been content being alone. If you can find an activity that you love and absorbs your attention you're golden.