I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither. Keep looking. Don’t settle.

If she wants someone who can bring her peace and she admittedly likes him, how is she settling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex is trouble. It will always be a struggle with him and there’s no reason to put yourself through that. The answer is steady guy or as yet unknown future guy. Your options aren’t limited to the two of them.

Why be so negative? Therapy could definitely help them. I think all couples should go to counseling.

Ugh you likely have not been in that type of tempestuous relationship. Full of arguments, anxiety, blame shifting - and almost guaranteed cheating is inevitable because of the outsized sense of entitlement a person like that had. Hard pass.

Inevitable cheating? Again, so negative. Stop projecting.

Look at how this OP describes this guy - hot headed, poor communication skills, disappears from her life and then later, when he knows she’s serious with someone else, swoops back in and says hey let’s get back together and get married. That’s quite a sense of entitlement. But sure, if you think his overtures of attending therapy for addressing what sounds like a dumpster fire of an interpersonal relationship may be sufficient, let’s hope that’s right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you and ex fight about?

Over nothing really. If he was upset he wouldn’t know how to communicate that and instead he would be dismissive and escalate the issue. I wouldn’t engage at that point because he was too hot headed. Then he’d act like nothing happened and try to sweep it under the rug. I told him he needed therapy.

And you want to go back to that because…? You’re dreaming if you think therapy will fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex is trouble. It will always be a struggle with him and there’s no reason to put yourself through that. The answer is steady guy or as yet unknown future guy. Your options aren’t limited to the two of them.

Why be so negative? Therapy could definitely help them. I think all couples should go to counseling.

Ugh you likely have not been in that type of tempestuous relationship. Full of arguments, anxiety, blame shifting - and almost guaranteed cheating is inevitable because of the outsized sense of entitlement a person like that had. Hard pass.

Inevitable cheating? Again, so negative. Stop projecting.

Look at how this OP describes this guy - hot headed, poor communication skills, disappears from her life and then later, when he knows she’s serious with someone else, swoops back in and says hey let’s get back together and get married. That’s quite a sense of entitlement. But sure, if you think his overtures of attending therapy for addressing what sounds like a dumpster fire of an interpersonal relationship may be sufficient, let’s hope that’s right.

He wanted to get married before this but I said we had issues we needed to fix before even seriously considering marriage.
He doesn’t know I’m in a relationship. He’s blocked from all socials and I’m private about my relationships, so I don’t post anything.

[Anonymous]

Neither, OP. Neither.

My DH sucked me back in after we broke up by Toni sing to work on himself and by being in therapy. As soon as we were married, he stopped going. Now he denies ever promising me that he would keep working on his issues, and he claims (lies) that his therapist said he didn’t need to come anymore. It’s ridiculous. (Though now that I know him better, I think it’s possible that his therapist said he didn’t need to come back because he wasn’t being honest even in therapy.)

If your ex wants to work on himself, he needs to do it himself, not in couples therapy. Don’t invest YOUR energy in thinking you can fix him. You can’t. If he is a changed man, AFTEr he changes, maybe open that door. But not now when he just decides out of the blue that he wants you.

I can also talk from experience on stepparenting, as I too got a stepdaughter from this marriage. It has been HARD. Hard. Really really hard. Disagreements over how to handle some crises (DH wanted to ignore them, which led to escalating problems resulting in SD’s heroin addiction and alter incarceration) led to a gulf between us that will likely never be repaired. Read the book “Stepmonster” and consider it the best case scenario.

Also remember that his child’s mother will be part of your life forever, and a huge impact on your life for at least another 12-15 years. Are you signing up for that?

I got pregnant unexpectedly and vey early in our marriage, and having my own child has definitely helped me distance myself from trying to have any day in DH’s terrible parenting of my SD. I love her and I hate that her dad and mom have made so many bad decisions, but trying to have input in them has NEVER helped. So I don’t anymore. If I didn’t have my own child to focus on, this would have driven me absolutely nuts and I would have divorced long ago.

I think I really agree with the person above who said maybe neither of these guys is right for you.

[Anonymous]

SOunds like a lot of excuses being made for first guy. I'd guess if you stay with #2 you'll cheat. You already say he's boring. Let him move on, he's a dad. You owe him that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither. Keep looking. Don’t settle.

If she wants someone who can bring her peace and she admittedly likes him, how is she settling?

She already says guy #1 is boring and isn't interested in being his kids stepmom. Yikes. That doesn't sound like someone in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SOunds like a lot of excuses being made for first guy. I'd guess if you stay with #2 you'll cheat. You already say he's boring. Let him move on, he's a dad. You owe him that.

I would never cheat on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither. Keep looking. Don’t settle.

If she wants someone who can bring her peace and she admittedly likes him, how is she settling?

She already says guy #1 is boring and isn't interested in being his kids stepmom. Yikes. That doesn't sound like someone in love.

I didn’t say he was boring. I said I can see myself getting bored with him sometimes but it could remedy that by nudging him to do some exciting things. Also, I never said I didn’t want to be her stepmom. I said I would never date a man with a child but I clearly liked him enough when we met to let that rule go. I did however say I was scare of being a stepmom because I’m not a parent myself and I’m afraid I’ll screw up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither. Keep looking. Don’t settle.

If she wants someone who can bring her peace and she admittedly likes him, how is she settling?

She already says guy #1 is boring and isn't interested in being his kids stepmom. Yikes. That doesn't sound like someone in love.

I didn’t say he was boring. I said I can see myself getting bored with him sometimes but it could remedy that by nudging him to do some exciting things. Also, I never said I didn’t want to be her stepmom. I said I would never date a man with a child but I clearly liked him enough when we met to let that rule go. I did however say I was scare of being a stepmom because I’m not a parent myself and I’m afraid I’ll screw up.

If #2 is so great and you're in love with him.... why would you even contemplate #1? You know the drill already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither. Keep looking. Don’t settle.

If she wants someone who can bring her peace and she admittedly likes him, how is she settling?

She already says guy #1 is boring and isn't interested in being his kids stepmom. Yikes. That doesn't sound like someone in love.

I didn’t say he was boring. I said I can see myself getting bored with him sometimes but it could remedy that by nudging him to do some exciting things. Also, I never said I didn’t want to be her stepmom. I said I would never date a man with a child but I clearly liked him enough when we met to let that rule go. I did however say I was scare of being a stepmom because I’m not a parent myself and I’m afraid I’ll screw up.

If #2 is so great and you're in love with him.... why would you even contemplate #1? You know the drill already.

You can love two people at the same time. I’ve been there before. It’s a head versus heart thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you and ex fight about?

Over nothing really. If he was upset he wouldn’t know how to communicate that and instead he would be dismissive and escalate the issue. I wouldn’t engage at that point because he was too hot headed. Then he’d act like nothing happened and try to sweep it under the rug. I told him he needed therapy.

And you want to go back to that because…? You’re dreaming if you think therapy will fix it.

My sis in law married a.guy she thought she could fix. Spoiler alert, she couldn't. He's now in prison for what he did to his next girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you and ex fight about?

Over nothing really. If he was upset he wouldn’t know how to communicate that and instead he would be dismissive and escalate the issue. I wouldn’t engage at that point because he was too hot headed. Then he’d act like nothing happened and try to sweep it under the rug. I told him he needed therapy.

And you want to go back to that because…? You’re dreaming if you think therapy will fix it.

My sis in law married a.guy she thought she could fix. Spoiler alert, she couldn't. He's now in prison for what he did to his next girlfriend.

NP, what were his issues before marriage?

[Anonymous]

Troll. Who talks like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither. Keep looking. Don’t settle.

If she wants someone who can bring her peace and she admittedly likes him, how is she settling?

She already says guy #1 is boring and isn't interested in being his kids stepmom. Yikes. That doesn't sound like someone in love.

I didn’t say he was boring. I said I can see myself getting bored with him sometimes but it could remedy that by nudging him to do some exciting things. Also, I never said I didn’t want to be her stepmom. I said I would never date a man with a child but I clearly liked him enough when we met to let that rule go. I did however say I was scare of being a stepmom because I’m not a parent myself and I’m afraid I’ll screw up.

If #2 is so great and you're in love with him.... why would you even contemplate #1? You know the drill already.

You can love two people at the same time. I’ve been there before. It’s a head versus heart thing.

I disagree on the head vs heart thing. OP broke up with #1 because they were a bad fit and he’s not good to her. #2 sounds like a great guy (although - OP if you haven’t met the daughter proceed with caution). I’m a mom, my husband is a step-dad, and it hasn’t been easy but he’s amazing with my kid and puts in a lot of effort.

The first guy has red flags all over him. I think OP should go to therapy to work this out.