I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.

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03/06/2022 16:15

Subject: I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you and ex fight about?

Over nothing really. If he was upset he wouldn’t know how to communicate that and instead he would be dismissive and escalate the issue. I wouldn’t engage at that point because he was too hot headed. Then he’d act like nothing happened and try to sweep it under the rug. I told him he needed therapy.

NP. "Over nothing really" smacks of "It wasn't a big deal, maybe it was only about his communication style, he wants to work on things now, so...."

Am I right, OP? Is that where your head is going when you answer "What did you fight about?" with "Nothing really"?

Because fighting over "nothing" in many ways is worse than fighting over specific things. Can you see why? If his communication skills and his respect for you as a person were both SO poor that tiny things turned into fights, then imagine how badly he will cope if there are actual, real disagreements in life together.

Yes, he says he wants to work on things now. He even did it in a real letter (how romantic, right?). But why would you risk repeating the mistake, the stress, the uncertainty of being with him? The fact he's packaging getting couples therapy with marrying you is very telling, OP. Can you step aside from the romantic fog and see why? If he cared about his communication problems with you, with women, with the world in general, he would already have worked on that and gotten his own therapy; instead he's promising you he will change, not showing you that he has changed, and he's dangling marriage in front of you. Your romantic heart sees it as He's saying I'm The One and we'll fight for our love, when the bald truth seems to be, he wants you back and knows that pushing your He'll change for ME button will achieve that. He may not be intentionally seeing it that way; I'm not saying he's that manipulative; BUT it's the outcome anyway.

You are wearing rose-colored glasses here, OP. Big time. I am not saying the ex is bad or a terrible person etc. I'm saying YOU are not learning from experience and are, despite having left him over fighting before, now trying to gloss over that experience. Any time that contact from an ex "brings up old feelings," people need to be extra wary, especially if the past together involved fighting, and especially if there are promises to change. If you're not sure about the other man, it's better to date no one for a while than to run back to an ex who is making promises -- even if he feels he's making them sincerely -- he may or may not be able to keep.

One last thing about those rose-colored glasses. You mention that you were (are?) "crazy about" the ex and the current SO, to whom you have expressed commitment and exclusivity, right? is sometimes dull. Please don't fall for the old tropes of "You must feel butterflies; you have to be head over heels in love; you deserve magic" attitude. Those things are lovely. They do happen. They also can leave women dissatisfied and forever hunting for butterflies, which don't live very long in nature or in romance.

Bringing the SO's child into the post seemed odd but then I realized: The existence of his child gives you an easy out for saying "I love you but don't want an instant family, sorry," so you can, in your head, blame the end of that relationship on the fact he has a child. You may thing you'd never do that, you may say that's not why you mentioned her, but if not...why let his child enter into your decision-making here? You're unconsciously setting things up so you can use her as an excuse to find fault with an otherwise mature relationship.

Please stop, back off make no choices (and don't see your ex or communicate with him, you need to think!) and talk to a counselor or therapist on your own, just for you, before you dump someone who doesn't deserve it, in favor of someone else whom you already realized you couldn't be with.