I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.
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Anonymous
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Let me preface this by saying I know life isn’t a movie. I’m going through a real life Notebooks situation right now having to choose between two men who love and want to marry me. I was with my ex for 3 years. My ex, is just like Noah and so was our relationship - a lot of ups and downs and the fighting but with a lot of love too. I was crazy about him, however, I just couldn’t take the fighting anymore, so I blocked him everywhere and decided to finally move on. I met someone a little older who is so incredibly sweet, thoughtful, and mature. It wasn’t a knock you off your feet start like it was with my ex, which was fine because I wanted and needed a slow burn. Last week mailed me a letter saying how much he loves and misses me, wants to get couples therapy, and marry me. Up until this point I had always thought if I heard from him again I’d tell him I’m with someone now and wish him well. Instead, his letter brought up a lot of feelings for me.
My new significant other is just like Lon - he’s older, a little more quiet, likes to stay in more in, brilliant (ex not that smart), incredibly kind, and I can see him bringing me peace. I can also see myself getting bored with him sometimes as he admitted himself that he’s not exciting. I think I can be okay with that but know I’ll have to push him to be more adventurous every once in a while. The other negative is he has a 7 year old daughter. There’s absolutely nothing wrong partners who have children I just never wanted to be with someone who had kids. I don’t have any of my own and would like some in the future but I was never keen on being someone’s stepmom. I liked it partner enough in the beginning to date him knowing he had a daughter. I’m scared of being a stepmom because I’ve never been a mom and I’m worried it’ll mess with our relationship too since I have no clue what I’m doing. Forgot to mention, he and I have been together for a year. Sorry for all the typos - I’m typing this on my phone in my Uber ride. I love both men. They’re so different from one another and I see things that I love about both of them. Just like everyone, both men have negatives. My ex has more negatives that my current SO but he wants to work through his issues. Both men want to marry me so, I know whoever I chose there’s no going back. Logically my SO makes so much more sense but my ex still has a piece of my heart. I’ve been crying for days because I hate feeling so torn. I’ll be upset losing either one to be honest and I also don’t want hurt one of them either. Has anyone else gone through this? What did you do? |
Anonymous
| I haven’t been in your exact situation, but…something I learned is that if you aren’t married and need couples therapy, just bail. It’s one thing if you’re married and have a lot to lose. But dating is for finding someone you’re compatible with, not for wasting years trying to make it work with someone who it probably won’t work with. |
Anonymous
| If you picked ex and turns out it doesn’t work out, how would you feel about losing the current guy? |
Anonymous
| I'd DEFINITELY not marry the first guy. That's an exhausting relationship that wouldn't be happy. I want my husband to be my safe, calm place I can go when things feel overwhelming or chaotic or scary, and a person who will have adventures with me. First guy doesn't seem like that person. |
Anonymous
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I would always always go with the nice, boring guy. My dad wasn't always a nice guy and it sucked. My dh is the kindest ever and life is wonderful.
If you can't handle being a stepmom, then keep looking for door #3. |
Anonymous
| Your ex is trouble. It will always be a struggle with him and there’s no reason to put yourself through that. The answer is steady guy or as yet unknown future guy. Your options aren’t limited to the two of them. |
Anonymous
Why be so negative? Therapy could definitely help them. I think all couples should go to counseling. |
Anonymous
| What did you and ex fight about? |
Anonymous
Ugh you likely have not been in that type of tempestuous relationship. Full of arguments, anxiety, blame shifting - and almost guaranteed cheating is inevitable because of the outsized sense of entitlement a person like that had. Hard pass. |
Anonymous
Inevitable cheating? Again, so negative. Stop projecting. |
Anonymous
Over nothing really. If he was upset he wouldn’t know how to communicate that and instead he would be dismissive and escalate the issue. I wouldn’t engage at that point because he was too hot headed. Then he’d act like nothing happened and try to sweep it under the rug. I told him he needed therapy. |
Anonymous
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I'll preface this by saying that The Notebook is one of my all time favorite movies.
HOWEVER... I think it romanticizes fighting to a degree and in my experience there is NOTHING romantic about fighting. I feel more distance from someone I fight with--despite things like make-up sex. How do you do with conflict, OP? What about repeated conflict? What about conflict with kids in the picture because they really can make things more difficult (despite the fact that they are amazing and bring so much to your life). I'd either choose the 2nd guy, or, as PP suggested, find #3. |
Anonymous
| Neither. Keep looking. Don’t settle. |
Anonymous
| I agree your ex is trouble, and it doesn’t sound like you locr the second guy. So - neither. |
Anonymous
I do like second guy though. |