Reply to I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose.

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Reply to "I have a real life “The Notebook” situation on my hands and I have no clue who to choose. "

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[quote=Anonymous]Neither, OP.  Neither.

My DH sucked me back in after we broke up by Toni sing to work on himself and by being in therapy.  As soon as we were married, he stopped going.  Now he denies ever promising me that he would keep working on his issues, and he claims (lies) that his therapist said he didn’t need to come anymore.  It’s ridiculous.  (Though now that I know him better, I think it’s possible that his therapist said he didn’t need to come back because he wasn’t being honest even in therapy.)

If your ex wants to work on himself, he needs to do it himself, not in couples therapy.  Don’t invest YOUR energy in thinking you can fix him.  You can’t.  If he is a changed man, AFTEr he changes, maybe open that door.  But not now when he just decides out of the blue that he wants you.

I can also talk from experience on stepparenting, as I too got a stepdaughter from this marriage.  It has been HARD.  Hard.  Really really hard.  Disagreements over how to handle some crises (DH wanted to ignore them, which led to escalating problems resulting in SD’s heroin addiction and alter incarceration) led to a gulf between us that will likely never be repaired.  Read the book “Stepmonster” and consider it the best case scenario.

Also remember that his child’s mother will be part of your life forever, and a huge impact on your life for at least another 12-15 years.  Are you signing up for that?

I got pregnant unexpectedly and vey early in our marriage, and having my own child has definitely helped me distance myself from trying to have any day in DH’s terrible parenting of my SD.  I love her and I hate that her dad and mom have made so many bad decisions, but trying to have input in them has NEVER helped.  So I don’t anymore.  If I didn’t have my own child to focus on, this would have driven me absolutely nuts and I would have divorced long ago.

I think I really agree with the person above who said maybe neither of these guys is right for you.

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