If you don’t feel mom guilt - tell me your mindset

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel mom guilt sometimes, but it's because of my impatient or irritable moments with my child.

I rarely feel the kind of mom guilt you're talking about, where I feel bad for getting a pedicure or waiting until the last minute to pick up my kid from daycare or going to a resort with my DH for a weekend. I firmly agree with Ayelet Waldman who said "love your husband more than your children" and I try to put my marriage first, and to a lesser extent, take care of myself. I've never skipped a shower or meal because of having a child. I'm not a mean or cold mom but I definitely put my needs high up and the needs of my marriage even higher, and I think it is ultimately good for the family to have a nourished mom and a nourished marriage as its foundation. My DD, fwiw, seems extremely happy and secure. We keep it balanced, too -- we don't have a team of nannies raising our children with us jetting off out of sight; we just have regular dates/couple experiences and on family vacations, we tend to do what we want to do (with our kid in tow) rather than trek to Disney World.

I have always felt this way. To be frank, I think it's because - while I had the strong urge to have a child *with* my husband - I did not have a strong urge to have children before meeting him. I find kids adorable and heart-wrenchingly innocent from a distance/in the abstract (e.g. the photos of Ukrainian kids in the news are gutting me and I walk by babies and think they're cute). But I'm not a play-on-the-floor, hands-on kid person and I don't like noise/chaos/disruption, so I'm very comfortable living a more adult-led life.

So I really like this, and it’s inspirational to me personally. But here is my real-world example of guilt getting in the way. I want to go out with my DH tonight! A dinner, a movie, whatever. But my DD (11) will then stay home all alone. She’ll be in her room, on her phone 😣 this makes me feel so guilty. My older kid will be out with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other thread got me thinking about mom guilt and how so so many of us feel like we are failing in some way. A therapist even pointed out to me that I create no win situations for myself where no matter what I do I feel like I’m failing someone (the example was that I felt guilty that my bigger kids were missing out on adventure bc of the baby so I booked a sitter for a weekend to take big kids on an adventure and then just felt guilty I’d “abandoned” the baby for a weekend). I do this endlessly, only looking at the negative side of the trade offs I’m making and it’s not helpful.

So I’m just curious - do any moms not feel “mom guilt” regularly. And if so can you share a bit more about your (much healthier) perspective and if you’ve always felt that way or if you did work to get there?

I don’t know what the other thread is, but I’m wondering if part of your issue is taking things to extremes. I think booking a babysitter for an entire weekend for a baby is kind of extreme. Why do you think your older kids deserve an entire weekend “adventure” without the baby? Can you find more middle grounds in your life so that you’re not making such big trade offs?

[Anonymous]

I don't think I have a lot of mom guilt. I am generally a confident person, but I actually have more guilt/anxiety about other parts of my life than I do about parenting.

I think there are a few reasons for this. One big one is a mindset that really helps: My kids getting the best possible experiences all the time would be BAD FOR THEM. I'm not trying to raise children, I'm trying to raise adults, and adulthood is full of things, well, sucking some times. So while other people might focus on the fact that disappointing your children or not always doing what's best for them is unavoidable, or that you're doing the best you can, for me, I take the other perspective. It is NOT GOOD for your baby to be with you every single weekend. They need to adjust to life without you. They need to adjust to other caretakers. They need to adjust to not always getting what they want. It's also NOT GOOD for your kids to always be able to go on grand adventures. They need boredom! Routine. Time to entertain themselves. A little day-to-day drudgery, because day-to-day drudgery is part of life. One of the reasons that only children can be (can be! not a guarantee!) a bit spoiled, is because their parents don't have to make the kids of trade offs you're talking about. Those trade offs, and some times "loosing" them is good for them!

Some people will say this is cold. But I disagree. It's LIFE.

The other one that helps I think is: I have a lot of faith and confidence in my kids, even the baby. They can do hard things! I think this perspective helps a lot. Your kids can entertain themselves while you take care of the baby. They can come up with their own adventures. They can create their own life of meaning and wonder, even if you never take them on adventures, because they are strong, brave, competent kids. And your baby is strong, too! She can handle a weekend without you! It might be hard for her, she might cry more. Her routine might be off. But have faith in her! She'll learn. She can handle it!

PS. This all works because objectively, taking a step back, I'm a good parent, my kids are well cared for, well loved, and have great lives. I'm taking for granted that this is true for your kids too, and that intellectually, you know this, and this is about dealing with emotions when you're in the thick of it. Obviously if you're like "I feel guilty my kids don't get food sometimes and I beat them" well, that's very different and you should listen to that guilt!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel mom guilt sometimes, but it's because of my impatient or irritable moments with my child.

I rarely feel the kind of mom guilt you're talking about, where I feel bad for getting a pedicure or waiting until the last minute to pick up my kid from daycare or going to a resort with my DH for a weekend. I firmly agree with Ayelet Waldman who said "love your husband more than your children" and I try to put my marriage first, and to a lesser extent, take care of myself. I've never skipped a shower or meal because of having a child. I'm not a mean or cold mom but I definitely put my needs high up and the needs of my marriage even higher, and I think it is ultimately good for the family to have a nourished mom and a nourished marriage as its foundation. My DD, fwiw, seems extremely happy and secure. We keep it balanced, too -- we don't have a team of nannies raising our children with us jetting off out of sight; we just have regular dates/couple experiences and on family vacations, we tend to do what we want to do (with our kid in tow) rather than trek to Disney World.

I have always felt this way. To be frank, I think it's because - while I had the strong urge to have a child *with* my husband - I did not have a strong urge to have children before meeting him. I find kids adorable and heart-wrenchingly innocent from a distance/in the abstract (e.g. the photos of Ukrainian kids in the news are gutting me and I walk by babies and think they're cute). But I'm not a play-on-the-floor, hands-on kid person and I don't like noise/chaos/disruption, so I'm very comfortable living a more adult-led life.

So I really like this, and it’s inspirational to me personally. But here is my real-world example of guilt getting in the way. I want to go out with my DH tonight! A dinner, a movie, whatever. But my DD (11) will then stay home all alone. She’ll be in her room, on her phone 😣 this makes me feel so guilty. My older kid will be out with friends.

PP here. Don't feel bad! She is probably getting into "I don't want to hang out my parents" territory anyway. I loved reading by myself in my room at that age! And even if she wasn't ... it's good for you guys to be out together.

I'm super jealous that your kids are old enough not to need a sitter. I spend a small fortune on mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel mom guilt sometimes, but it's because of my impatient or irritable moments with my child.

I rarely feel the kind of mom guilt you're talking about, where I feel bad for getting a pedicure or waiting until the last minute to pick up my kid from daycare or going to a resort with my DH for a weekend. I firmly agree with Ayelet Waldman who said "love your husband more than your children" and I try to put my marriage first, and to a lesser extent, take care of myself. I've never skipped a shower or meal because of having a child. I'm not a mean or cold mom but I definitely put my needs high up and the needs of my marriage even higher, and I think it is ultimately good for the family to have a nourished mom and a nourished marriage as its foundation. My DD, fwiw, seems extremely happy and secure. We keep it balanced, too -- we don't have a team of nannies raising our children with us jetting off out of sight; we just have regular dates/couple experiences and on family vacations, we tend to do what we want to do (with our kid in tow) rather than trek to Disney World.

I have always felt this way. To be frank, I think it's because - while I had the strong urge to have a child *with* my husband - I did not have a strong urge to have children before meeting him. I find kids adorable and heart-wrenchingly innocent from a distance/in the abstract (e.g. the photos of Ukrainian kids in the news are gutting me and I walk by babies and think they're cute). But I'm not a play-on-the-floor, hands-on kid person and I don't like noise/chaos/disruption, so I'm very comfortable living a more adult-led life.

So I really like this, and it’s inspirational to me personally. But here is my real-world example of guilt getting in the way. I want to go out with my DH tonight! A dinner, a movie, whatever. But my DD (11) will then stay home all alone. She’ll be in her room, on her phone 😣 this makes me feel so guilty. My older kid will be out with friends.

So instead you stay home and she is probably still on her phone, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel mom guilt sometimes, but it's because of my impatient or irritable moments with my child.

I rarely feel the kind of mom guilt you're talking about, where I feel bad for getting a pedicure or waiting until the last minute to pick up my kid from daycare or going to a resort with my DH for a weekend. I firmly agree with Ayelet Waldman who said "love your husband more than your children" and I try to put my marriage first, and to a lesser extent, take care of myself. I've never skipped a shower or meal because of having a child. I'm not a mean or cold mom but I definitely put my needs high up and the needs of my marriage even higher, and I think it is ultimately good for the family to have a nourished mom and a nourished marriage as its foundation. My DD, fwiw, seems extremely happy and secure. We keep it balanced, too -- we don't have a team of nannies raising our children with us jetting off out of sight; we just have regular dates/couple experiences and on family vacations, we tend to do what we want to do (with our kid in tow) rather than trek to Disney World.

I have always felt this way. To be frank, I think it's because - while I had the strong urge to have a child *with* my husband - I did not have a strong urge to have children before meeting him. I find kids adorable and heart-wrenchingly innocent from a distance/in the abstract (e.g. the photos of Ukrainian kids in the news are gutting me and I walk by babies and think they're cute). But I'm not a play-on-the-floor, hands-on kid person and I don't like noise/chaos/disruption, so I'm very comfortable living a more adult-led life.

So I really like this, and it’s inspirational to me personally. But here is my real-world example of guilt getting in the way. I want to go out with my DH tonight! A dinner, a movie, whatever. But my DD (11) will then stay home all alone. She’ll be in her room, on her phone 😣 this makes me feel so guilty. My older kid will be out with friends.

I'm the 13:39 poster. Just to expand on what I was saying based on this example: In this case, 1) your daughter should not get constant entertainment from you, it's not good for her. It's good for her to have to figure out how to entertain herself in an empty house! Great! 2) Your daughter is a strong, competent 11 year old who is certainly capable of entertaining herself for an evening.

See if that helps.

[Anonymous]

Because I have extreme hubris about my skills as a parent. My kids have it better than all other kids (except maybe the Wests)

[Anonymous]

Op here - this is all helpful, thanks. Maybe mom guilt isn’t even right for what i experience. I think both dhs and my parents were smart, well intended, overall good parents who each kind of made some major mistakes that had long term impacts (my husbands in missing his depression as a teen and then when they finally noticed it trying to stern talk it out of him, mine in repressing all difficult emotions in our house that I think has really limited my ability to connect with and trust other people)

I’m not one of those people that blame my parents for all my problems and I really think they overall did a good job, but I’m constantly worried about “what if I f-up x now and cause y long term effect”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - this is all helpful, thanks. Maybe mom guilt isn’t even right for what i experience. I think both dhs and my parents were smart, well intended, overall good parents who each kind of made some major mistakes that had long term impacts (my husbands in missing his depression as a teen and then when they finally noticed it trying to stern talk it out of him, mine in repressing all difficult emotions in our house that I think has really limited my ability to connect with and trust other people)

I’m not one of those people that blame my parents for all my problems and I really think they overall did a good job, but I’m constantly worried about “what if I f-up x now and cause y long term effect”

It was a different time then (not excusing your parents, just pointing out that things have changed a lot in 30 years). You know not to repeat their mistakes and that is huge.

[Anonymous]

I always have mom guilt and have recently realized a lot of it comes from the way I was raised and my own mom’s guilt. She always is quick to point out expectations of what someone should be doing and I always have these running in the back of my mind. A few days ago she told me she was feeling guilty about something (that was really not something you should feel guilty about, like helping out someone with a task when they had plenty of help). I told her she shouldn’t be feeling that way and I am working on letting go of guilt. Her response: well that’s good but if you go the other direction then you become selfish.
Letting go of mom guilt - change your mindset.

[Anonymous]

I never felt mom guilt. I know I'm not a perfect parent, but I have a lot of confidence in my abilities to parent.

BUT. I have a lot of issues over needing to quit my job, and killing my career at a crucial time. I was forced into this because my child had special needs and my boss was not understanding at all. I could not get my PhD, and in my chosen field, you need a PhD to advance.

We all have doubts about various things in our lives, OP. Parenting for me comes easy. Letting go of my career is not.

[Anonymous]

I’ve always lived life according to my own values and timeline. I’ve never compared myself to others. Sometimes I learn cool stuff from other parents and will incorporate that into how I love; but I don’t feel guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A healthy dose of guilt is good. Only immoral people don’t feel guilty.

There are other things I feel guilty about. Usually my parenting is not one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other thread got me thinking about mom guilt and how so so many of us feel like we are failing in some way. A therapist even pointed out to me that I create no win situations for myself where no matter what I do I feel like I’m failing someone (the example was that I felt guilty that my bigger kids were missing out on adventure bc of the baby so I booked a sitter for a weekend to take big kids on an adventure and then just felt guilty I’d “abandoned” the baby for a weekend). I do this endlessly, only looking at the negative side of the trade offs I’m making and it’s not helpful.

So I’m just curious - do any moms not feel “mom guilt” regularly. And if so can you share a bit more about your (much healthier) perspective and if you’ve always felt that way or if you did work to get there?

OP, you could start by not making everything about you and the way you "feel." Your kids are separate people from you, not an extension of you. Sorry if this is harsh, but you should give thought to the fact that what you so nobly call "mom guilt" is really just self-absorption.

[Anonymous]

I could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve felt mom guilt; my kids are 10, 8, and 6.

I’m a psychologist by training, and have experienced working with traumatized kids and adults. I know what true maltreatment is, and that helps establish a baseline. My parenting gets nowhere near that level, but because I know what it looks like, I can also relax that I’m not harming my kids.

I firmly believe in the concept of the good-enough mother. I don’t need to meet my children’s every need, as long as I’m (mostly) warm, responsive, and present. I try hard to be those things as much as possible, and let the rest go.

I know my strengths as a parent (see above). I’m a terrific listener, very empathic, great at calming my kids when they need it. Am I super at doing crafts with my kids? No. Throw the most elaborate birthday parties ever? Also no. But I know what I do well, I think that what I do well matters most for my kids’ development, and I’m satisfied with that.

I’m also pretty comfortable with myself as a person. I know who I am. I accept that I’m human and I don’t have unrealistic expectations of myself. I’m a good friend. All of those things help me to be a more grounded parent. And at the end of the day, mom guilt almost never means productive change. For example, I lost my temper at the kids this morning, which is rare for me. I calmed down, apologized to them, and figured out what the proximal cause was and am going to change that in the future (no more checking work email before my workday starts).

Anyway. I hope something in there is helpful.