If you don’t feel mom guilt - tell me your mindset

[Anonymous]

I have little money guilt. I just live like I’m a man.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of it is hormonal and emotional. Some women seem to have this innate mom guilt that’s likely hard to squash.

I do not have mom guilt at all and don’t seem that different from my husband. I enjoy my job, don’t get my entire identity from my kids and enjoy doing things without my kids. I have hobbies and interests just like I did pre kids. Also don’t have any issues sleep training or potty training kids. The moms on here who have kids who don’t sleep seem unhinged. I don’t understand why they just don’t put their kids to bed and go back in the morning. If my kid screamed all night, I would leave for a hotel until it stopped.

Whereas I have some friends who really struggle to leave their kids and can’t even return to work. They always have an excuse as to why they can’t return to work and it seems emotional instead of logical. They really want to be with their kids. I give them credit for deeply loving this time with their kids but at the same time, don’t know their kids will be any better off having a mom who doesn’t work or have a life outside of the home. Don’t also think their kids are any better off sleeping in 2 hour increments because they haven’t been taught to sleep at night.

[Anonymous]

The replies in this thread are interesting because it's made me realize that people have different conceptions of what "mom guilt" is, and I guess feel guilty about different stuff.

I posted upthread about how I do sometimes feel mom guilt but I recognize that it is ALWAYS externally imposed on me by unreasonable expectations for moms. Like to me, mom guilt is that feeling of not-good-enough I sometimes get because I'm not, like, making my own baby food at home, or haven't signed my toddler up for soccer yet, or whatever. The source is never my kids, it's always other people or just the zeitgeist telling me I need to be doing a million things that no human being could possibly do all of while maintaining her sanity. And I brush it off for that reason -- that guilt is not about me, or my actual kids, or our actual lives. It's just misogyny dressed up as concern for kids.

I also don't feel guilty when my kids whine that they are bored or when I have to go to work or do something for myself instead of hang out with them. Like, ever. I know I'm doing the right things for them, it's okay that they are sometimes unhappy about it. I remember that feeling from when I was a kid. But I think about the long game, too. As several PPs have said, it is GOOD for your kids to be forced to entertain themselves and to be independent and not always get what they want. But I also think about how valuable it will be for my daughters in particular to have memories of me saying "No, I have to work" or "No, I'm going to do some yoga and take a bath" or "No, your dad is doing dinner with you tonight because I'm going out with my friends." I don't think it's good for children to see their mothers as their personal butler/best friend/maid/assistant. My husband is a great dad and my kids have great teachers and I am not the ONLY one who can do stuff for them. A lot of times I shake off the mom guilt specifically because I want them to see me shake it off. They need to know moms are allowed to have their own lives, take time for themselves, work outside the home, etc. I think they will be grateful to me for showing them that when they are grown -- it will make their lives better in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The replies in this thread are interesting because it's made me realize that people have different conceptions of what "mom guilt" is, and I guess feel guilty about different stuff.

I posted upthread about how I do sometimes feel mom guilt but I recognize that it is ALWAYS externally imposed on me by unreasonable expectations for moms. Like to me, mom guilt is that feeling of not-good-enough I sometimes get because I'm not, like, making my own baby food at home, or haven't signed my toddler up for soccer yet, or whatever. The source is never my kids, it's always other people or just the zeitgeist telling me I need to be doing a million things that no human being could possibly do all of while maintaining her sanity. And I brush it off for that reason -- that guilt is not about me, or my actual kids, or our actual lives. It's just misogyny dressed up as concern for kids.

I also don't feel guilty when my kids whine that they are bored or when I have to go to work or do something for myself instead of hang out with them. Like, ever. I know I'm doing the right things for them, it's okay that they are sometimes unhappy about it. I remember that feeling from when I was a kid. But I think about the long game, too. As several PPs have said, it is GOOD for your kids to be forced to entertain themselves and to be independent and not always get what they want. But I also think about how valuable it will be for my daughters in particular to have memories of me saying "No, I have to work" or "No, I'm going to do some yoga and take a bath" or "No, your dad is doing dinner with you tonight because I'm going out with my friends." I don't think it's good for children to see their mothers as their personal butler/best friend/maid/assistant. My husband is a great dad and my kids have great teachers and I am not the ONLY one who can do stuff for them. A lot of times I shake off the mom guilt specifically because I want them to see me shake it off. They need to know moms are allowed to have their own lives, take time for themselves, work outside the home, etc. I think they will be grateful to me for showing them that when they are grown -- it will make their lives better in the long run.

This. Moms who don’t have anything going on outside of their kids aren’t doing their kids any favors. They aren’t doing themselves any favors either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you speak just like my estranged mother.

Was just about to type this. I don’t believe in being a mommy martyr or whatever, but neither do I think you should make it clear to your children that they aren’t your top priority (or even in the top 3). My parents had lots of interests and did their own thing. Now my widowed mother has four children that are either distant or estranged from her. Hope she’s able to make some friends.

Literally no one on this thread suggested their kids aren't their priority. Don't project your mommy issues onto the rest of us.

DP. Your kids will have them too.

Wow. I'm sorry you are in a place where you feel the need to say stuff like this. I hope it gets better for you.

Nice try, sweetie.

I just don't think anyone who spends their time attacking strangers has very high self esteem. Especially since you seem to be bashing the self esteem of the people who are responding. Are you in therapy? It's ok to have your own needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are being raised with so many more advantages than I ever had. I'm not perfect at all, but I feel zero guilt about my parenting.

Yes to this. Not that my parents didn't provide for me because they did and spent their money on my education to give me opportunities but I feel like my kids have so many options open to them by living in this area vs. where I grew up. That's one reason why we stay here, despite the COL. I think it's worth it.

I wouldn't say I have zero guilt but my mother still has so much guilt all the time, even as a grandmother. It's ridiculous because she was a great mom and is a great grandmother but watching her is so exhausting. Its like she is constantly trying to make up for shortcomings that she doesn't even have. I try really hard not to be like that.

[Anonymous]

I just remind myself that "mom guilt" is a ridiculous concept fostered by US culture. Other cultures (at least my parents') don't have this. My sister, a scientist, spends a lot of time with white SAHMs and as a result feels a lot of mom guilt. I tell her that by having professional parents and living in an upper class US neighborhood, her child is incredibly privileged--what is their to feel guilty about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just remind myself that "mom guilt" is a ridiculous concept fostered by US culture. Other cultures (at least my parents') don't have this. My sister, a scientist, spends a lot of time with white SAHMs and as a result feels a lot of mom guilt. I tell her that by having professional parents and living in an upper class US neighborhood, her child is incredibly privileged--what is their to feel guilty about?

Scientist mom here. I work a lot. I don’t have mom guilt at all.

In the beginning with babies, yes. But then I realized- whatever time I give them, it’s 100%. And my snuggles and hugs are always the best snuggles and hugs.

As my kids got older, and I got to witness them growing up and growing strong- I realized one other thing: my dad beat the crap out of me and I’m not hitting my kids ever. And as I have a loving family, we are financially secure, and happy as a whole- I have some advice for new moms.

As long as your kids are fed, housed, sleeping at night: you are doing great. As long as you are not hitting your kids: you are doing awesome.

No mom guilt- because we are all humans.

[Anonymous]

I’m a male.

[Anonymous]

No I don’t really ever feel ‘mom guilt’. Unless of course I do something I actually regret, like lose my cool towards a kid and then feel guilty. But it’s definitely not a state of mind for me. I never really understood this concept that all these moms felt guilty all the time. I can’t explain why I don’t feel this way, I just don’t. I also don’t let society or social media dictate anything else in my life. I just do what is best for our family and forget about what other people think I should be doing as a mother.

[Anonymous]

I’m not saying I never feel mom guilt because of course I do sometimes but I try to think - what would 80s parent do? I don’t think all the helicopter parenting today is good for parents or kids. I don’t think it’s my job to entertain my kids all day. I think it’s good to be bored and to figure out how to entertain yourself. I think kids will learn more from their own mistakes than me telling them what to do all day, etc.

[Anonymous]

I don’t second guess my choices about small things (like the babysitter/hike example OP posted). I think I would echo what many PPs have said: my kid has so many more advantages than I did and I have a great life! I also have a very supportive husband who says thanks to me for making homemade baby food but also reminds me (nicely) that spinach purée isn’t going to fundamentally make my life better. In addition to him, many of my friends have similar priorities (working outside of the home, for example), so I look about the same in comparison. I think a lot of this “guilt” is about social circle. When someone is doing something “better” for their kid, I try to ask them questions to see if I want to try it too or I just think “well, it’s cool my kid got to go to a party with a magician even though I will never hire a magician for a kids party!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I don’t really ever feel ‘mom guilt’. Unless of course I do something I actually regret, like lose my cool towards a kid and then feel guilty. But it’s definitely not a state of mind for me. I never really understood this concept that all these moms felt guilty all the time. I can’t explain why I don’t feel this way, I just don’t. I also don’t let society or social media dictate anything else in my life. I just do what is best for our family and forget about what other people think I should be doing as a mother.

+1 to no social media. DCUM is as “social” as I get and I mostly laugh when I read the posts here.