If you don’t feel mom guilt - tell me your mindset

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A healthy dose of guilt is good. Only immoral people don’t feel guilty.

There are other things I feel guilty about. Usually my parenting is not one of them.

I just posted, but I think prizing guilt is such a bizarre mindset. As I said in my post, it’s almost never productive. It just makes me think of a priest forcing someone to say 10 Hail Marys or whatever - what does that accomplish? I don’t feel guilty because I have integrity and generally act accordingly, so I don’t have anything to feel guilty about. Too many people worship at the altar of guilt but do nothing to actually make things better, and I’m having none of that.

[Anonymous]

My biggest concern really boils down to whether GDS is the best place for a circulatory transitory DD. They seemed the most receptive to my husbands/wives needs along with our DD’s phases. I literally cannot hold it together. I feel so guilty to be this invested in this outcome when it’s truly our DDs safety at stake, but I can barely hold it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel mom guilt but I recognize it for what it is: something imposed on me by unfair expectations.

And then I go on with my day. I am not going to be shamed by men, my mom, other women, or society at large for taking care of myself, setting limits, or making hard choices I know to be right for my family. I refuse to be held to a higher standard of parenting than my own husband. I refuse to allow people to compare me to other women on everything from my mothering style to my appearance to how much money I make to how clean my house is, as though we're in some kind of Mom Olympics. I will chart my own course, do right by myself and my own family according to our values, and exercise self-love, empathy, and kindness whenever I can.

I get mom guilt because mom guilt get's handed to me, just like it gets handed to every mom. The way I get rid of it the same way I get rid of a flyer for a service I don't need -- Throw. It. Away. I don't need it, I'm busy.

This is my general approach too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have a lot of mom guilt. I am generally a confident person, but I actually have more guilt/anxiety about other parts of my life than I do about parenting.

I think there are a few reasons for this. One big one is a mindset that really helps: My kids getting the best possible experiences all the time would be BAD FOR THEM. I'm not trying to raise children, I'm trying to raise adults, and adulthood is full of things, well, sucking some times. So while other people might focus on the fact that disappointing your children or not always doing what's best for them is unavoidable, or that you're doing the best you can, for me, I take the other perspective. It is NOT GOOD for your baby to be with you every single weekend. They need to adjust to life without you. They need to adjust to other caretakers. They need to adjust to not always getting what they want. It's also NOT GOOD for your kids to always be able to go on grand adventures. They need boredom! Routine. Time to entertain themselves. A little day-to-day drudgery, because day-to-day drudgery is part of life. One of the reasons that only children can be (can be! not a guarantee!) a bit spoiled, is because their parents don't have to make the kids of trade offs you're talking about. Those trade offs, and some times "loosing" them is good for them!

Some people will say this is cold. But I disagree. It's LIFE.

The other one that helps I think is: I have a lot of faith and confidence in my kids, even the baby. They can do hard things! I think this perspective helps a lot. Your kids can entertain themselves while you take care of the baby. They can come up with their own adventures. They can create their own life of meaning and wonder, even if you never take them on adventures, because they are strong, brave, competent kids. And your baby is strong, too! She can handle a weekend without you! It might be hard for her, she might cry more. Her routine might be off. But have faith in her! She'll learn. She can handle it!

PS. This all works because objectively, taking a step back, I'm a good parent, my kids are well cared for, well loved, and have great lives. I'm taking for granted that this is true for your kids too, and that intellectually, you know this, and this is about dealing with emotions when you're in the thick of it. Obviously if you're like "I feel guilty my kids don't get food sometimes and I beat them" well, that's very different and you should listen to that guilt!

I totally agree with this. People always ask, how can I make my children more resilient? Well, resilience develops when we have surmountable challenges and stressors in our lives. We learn that we can handle hard things when we deal with and survive hard things. Too many parents try to shield their children from every possible discomfort. It is healthy to not get everything you want, to deal with discomforts, to be bored, and to have less than the next door neighbor! These are all a part of the adult world, and it's best for kids to learn these things when they are young and consequences are small. For the vast majority of mankind's existence on this planet, parents did not revolve their lives around children the way they do currently. I don't think it's a coincidence that kids are becoming less mentally healthy despite child-centric parenting becoming the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have a lot of mom guilt. I am generally a confident person, but I actually have more guilt/anxiety about other parts of my life than I do about parenting.

X100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So I’m just curious - do any moms not feel “mom guilt” regularly. And if so can you share a bit more about your (much healthier) perspective and if you’ve always felt that way or if you did work to get there?

I do feel I have failed my children in many ways, but I don't feel guilty about it.

Mine are 17 and 20 now. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time! I continue to probably not be the best mom I could be but I have never had older teens/young adults before. I hope they give me credit for trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve felt mom guilt; my kids are 10, 8, and 6.

I’m a psychologist by training, and have experienced working with traumatized kids and adults. I know what true maltreatment is, and that helps establish a baseline. My parenting gets nowhere near that level, but because I know what it looks like, I can also relax that I’m not harming my kids.

I firmly believe in the concept of the good-enough mother. I don’t need to meet my children’s every need, as long as I’m (mostly) warm, responsive, and present. I try hard to be those things as much as possible, and let the rest go.

I know my strengths as a parent (see above). I’m a terrific listener, very empathic, great at calming my kids when they need it. Am I super at doing crafts with my kids? No. Throw the most elaborate birthday parties ever? Also no. But I know what I do well, I think that what I do well matters most for my kids’ development, and I’m satisfied with that.

I’m also pretty comfortable with myself as a person. I know who I am. I accept that I’m human and I don’t have unrealistic expectations of myself. I’m a good friend. All of those things help me to be a more grounded parent. And at the end of the day, mom guilt almost never means productive change. For example, I lost my temper at the kids this morning, which is rare for me. I calmed down, apologized to them, and figured out what the proximal cause was and am going to change that in the future (no more checking work email before my workday starts).

Anyway. I hope something in there is helpful.

NP. Thanks for sharing. This was really helpful.

[Anonymous]

I agree with so much that has been said here.

Another thing is that (a) I had kids later than most of my friends and (b) we rarely actually talk about our kids. If we do talk about kids, it's usually a story about something funny or dumb they did.

I felt guilt when we discovered one of my kids has food allergies. But, as my husband put it - "we made the best decisions based on the information we had available." We generally have that perspective for everything: we made what we believed to be the best choice based on the data that was available. If it didn't work out, we have learned for next time, and if it did work out - great.

The only time I feel guilty is when I'm really short with them because it's either hormones (stupid perimenopause) or lack of sleep, and well, all I can do is recognize that I tend to be short during those times and be cognizant of that during the day in my interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have a lot of mom guilt. I am generally a confident person, but I actually have more guilt/anxiety about other parts of my life than I do about parenting.

I think there are a few reasons for this. One big one is a mindset that really helps: My kids getting the best possible experiences all the time would be BAD FOR THEM. I'm not trying to raise children, I'm trying to raise adults, and adulthood is full of things, well, sucking some times. So while other people might focus on the fact that disappointing your children or not always doing what's best for them is unavoidable, or that you're doing the best you can, for me, I take the other perspective. It is NOT GOOD for your baby to be with you every single weekend. They need to adjust to life without you. They need to adjust to other caretakers. They need to adjust to not always getting what they want. It's also NOT GOOD for your kids to always be able to go on grand adventures. They need boredom! Routine. Time to entertain themselves. A little day-to-day drudgery, because day-to-day drudgery is part of life. One of the reasons that only children can be (can be! not a guarantee!) a bit spoiled, is because their parents don't have to make the kids of trade offs you're talking about. Those trade offs, and some times "loosing" them is good for them!

Some people will say this is cold. But I disagree. It's LIFE.

The other one that helps I think is: I have a lot of faith and confidence in my kids, even the baby. They can do hard things! I think this perspective helps a lot. Your kids can entertain themselves while you take care of the baby. They can come up with their own adventures. They can create their own life of meaning and wonder, even if you never take them on adventures, because they are strong, brave, competent kids. And your baby is strong, too! She can handle a weekend without you! It might be hard for her, she might cry more. Her routine might be off. But have faith in her! She'll learn. She can handle it!

PS. This all works because objectively, taking a step back, I'm a good parent, my kids are well cared for, well loved, and have great lives. I'm taking for granted that this is true for your kids too, and that intellectually, you know this, and this is about dealing with emotions when you're in the thick of it. Obviously if you're like "I feel guilty my kids don't get food sometimes and I beat them" well, that's very different and you should listen to that guilt!

I totally agree with this. People always ask, how can I make my children more resilient? Well, resilience develops when we have surmountable challenges and stressors in our lives. We learn that we can handle hard things when we deal with and survive hard things. Too many parents try to shield their children from every possible discomfort. It is healthy to not get everything you want, to deal with discomforts, to be bored, and to have less than the next door neighbor! These are all a part of the adult world, and it's best for kids to learn these things when they are young and consequences are small. For the vast majority of mankind's existence on this planet, parents did not revolve their lives around children the way they do currently. I don't think it's a coincidence that kids are becoming less mentally healthy despite child-centric parenting becoming the norm.

Agree 100%. Let your children be frustrated sometimes. Let them be disappointed sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Echo the PP - kids need to feel disappointed and frustrated sometimes.

I think mom guilt can come from how you were parented or over-exposure via social media etc. to how you perceive other people are parenting.

The most important mindset is kindness towards yourself.

If I feel mom guilt rising up I ask myself:
a) Would my husband be feeling this? (answer is usually a resounding NOPE)
b) What would I feel if my daughter was thinking this way? (when/if she becomes a mother)

[Anonymous]

I never felt mom guilt about anything. Maybe it is because I'm a single mother and I do everything. So I don't feel guilty for having to miss my kid's activities/shows/performances since I have to take him everywhere myself. The first time I was ever away from him was when he went to sleepaway camp at age 8. I worked a second job (he came with me to that one) to make extra money to pay for camp so I enjoyed every moment of my 5 days alone.

I never breastfed because I didn't want to. He turned out fine and was healthier than most of my friend's babies. Maybe I would've felt a bit guilty if he was sick a lot.

[Anonymous]

My kids are being raised with so many more advantages than I ever had. I'm not perfect at all, but I feel zero guilt about my parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel mom guilt sometimes, but it's because of my impatient or irritable moments with my child.

I rarely feel the kind of mom guilt you're talking about, where I feel bad for getting a pedicure or waiting until the last minute to pick up my kid from daycare or going to a resort with my DH for a weekend. I firmly agree with Ayelet Waldman who said "love your husband more than your children" and I try to put my marriage first, and to a lesser extent, take care of myself. I've never skipped a shower or meal because of having a child. I'm not a mean or cold mom but I definitely put my needs high up and the needs of my marriage even higher, and I think it is ultimately good for the family to have a nourished mom and a nourished marriage as its foundation. My DD, fwiw, seems extremely happy and secure. We keep it balanced, too -- we don't have a team of nannies raising our children with us jetting off out of sight; we just have regular dates/couple experiences and on family vacations, we tend to do what we want to do (with our kid in tow) rather than trek to Disney World.

I have always felt this way. To be frank, I think it's because - while I had the strong urge to have a child *with* my husband - I did not have a strong urge to have children before meeting him. I find kids adorable and heart-wrenchingly innocent from a distance/in the abstract (e.g. the photos of Ukrainian kids in the news are gutting me and I walk by babies and think they're cute). But I'm not a play-on-the-floor, hands-on kid person and I don't like noise/chaos/disruption, so I'm very comfortable living a more adult-led life.

So I really like this, and it’s inspirational to me personally. But here is my real-world example of guilt getting in the way. I want to go out with my DH tonight! A dinner, a movie, whatever. But my DD (11) will then stay home all alone. She’ll be in her room, on her phone 😣 this makes me feel so guilty. My older kid will be out with friends.

PP here. Don't feel bad! She is probably getting into "I don't want to hang out my parents" territory anyway. I loved reading by myself in my room at that age! And even if she wasn't ... it's good for you guys to be out together.

I'm super jealous that your kids are old enough not to need a sitter. I spend a small fortune on mine.

Yes! Thank you! You were right- she was thrilled not to come with us. What i feel guilty over (DD home alone) actually brings her happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel mom guilt sometimes, but it's because of my impatient or irritable moments with my child.

I rarely feel the kind of mom guilt you're talking about, where I feel bad for getting a pedicure or waiting until the last minute to pick up my kid from daycare or going to a resort with my DH for a weekend. I firmly agree with Ayelet Waldman who said "love your husband more than your children" and I try to put my marriage first, and to a lesser extent, take care of myself. I've never skipped a shower or meal because of having a child. I'm not a mean or cold mom but I definitely put my needs high up and the needs of my marriage even higher, and I think it is ultimately good for the family to have a nourished mom and a nourished marriage as its foundation. My DD, fwiw, seems extremely happy and secure. We keep it balanced, too -- we don't have a team of nannies raising our children with us jetting off out of sight; we just have regular dates/couple experiences and on family vacations, we tend to do what we want to do (with our kid in tow) rather than trek to Disney World.

I have always felt this way. To be frank, I think it's because - while I had the strong urge to have a child *with* my husband - I did not have a strong urge to have children before meeting him. I find kids adorable and heart-wrenchingly innocent from a distance/in the abstract (e.g. the photos of Ukrainian kids in the news are gutting me and I walk by babies and think they're cute). But I'm not a play-on-the-floor, hands-on kid person and I don't like noise/chaos/disruption, so I'm very comfortable living a more adult-led life.

So I really like this, and it’s inspirational to me personally. But here is my real-world example of guilt getting in the way. I want to go out with my DH tonight! A dinner, a movie, whatever. But my DD (11) will then stay home all alone. She’ll be in her room, on her phone 😣 this makes me feel so guilty. My older kid will be out with friends.

I'm the 13:39 poster. Just to expand on what I was saying based on this example: In this case, 1) your daughter should not get constant entertainment from you, it's not good for her. It's good for her to have to figure out how to entertain herself in an empty house! Great! 2) Your daughter is a strong, competent 11 year old who is certainly capable of entertaining herself for an evening.

See if that helps.

I appreciate this reminder. Good advice everyone!

[Anonymous]

I experienced this a lot in the past. I worked full time and constantly felt like I was a crappy mom who could be doing more. I was always comparing myself to stay at home moms- which is ridiculous but that’s what I did. I had a health crisis that pretty much benched me from the hands on part of parenting and so all I was able to do was connect with my kids via snuggling, conversation, reading books, watching shows… basically anything we could do together form my bed. This made me realize that connection and undivided attention are far more nurturing to my children than anything else. It gave me a really good reset and now I don’t let myself feel bad about anything I choose not to do.

For example, my daughters class asked for 5 volunteers to facilitate party. It was the same day as a big work deadline and so I just couldn’t do it. Rather than beating myself, I focused my energy on spending an extra moment with her that morning, braiding her hair and sitting with her while she ate breakfast. When she got home from school, I curled up with her on the couch and let her tell me all about the party. I know she knows that she has loving parents at home, even when we have to say no.