If you don’t feel mom guilt - tell me your mindset

[Anonymous]

I experienced this a lot in the past. I worked full time and constantly felt like I was a crappy mom who could be doing more. I was always comparing myself to stay at home moms- which is ridiculous but that’s what I did. I had a health crisis that pretty much benched me from the hands on part of parenting and so all I was able to do was connect with my kids via snuggling, conversation, reading books, watching shows… basically anything we could do together form my bed. This made me realize that connection and undivided attention are far more nurturing to my children than anything else. It gave me a really good reset and now I don’t let myself feel bad about anything I choose not to do.

For example, my daughters class asked for 5 volunteers to facilitate party. It was the same day as a big work deadline and so I just couldn’t do it. Rather than beating myself, I focused my energy on spending an extra moment with her that morning, braiding her hair and sitting with her while she ate breakfast. When she got home from school, I curled up with her on the couch and let her tell me all about the party. I know she knows that she has loving parents at home, even when we have to say no.

[Anonymous]

I’m a good mom and I try really hard to do what’s best for my kids. I just don’t think there is another mom out there doing it “better”. Im not confident in everything I do (I’m not the best at my job, my house is not as lovely as some other peoples) but I think I’m a wonderful wife and mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I have a lot of mom guilt. I am generally a confident person, but I actually have more guilt/anxiety about other parts of my life than I do about parenting.

I think there are a few reasons for this. One big one is a mindset that really helps: My kids getting the best possible experiences all the time would be BAD FOR THEM. I'm not trying to raise children, I'm trying to raise adults, and adulthood is full of things, well, sucking some times. So while other people might focus on the fact that disappointing your children or not always doing what's best for them is unavoidable, or that you're doing the best you can, for me, I take the other perspective. It is NOT GOOD for your baby to be with you every single weekend. They need to adjust to life without you. They need to adjust to other caretakers. They need to adjust to not always getting what they want. It's also NOT GOOD for your kids to always be able to go on grand adventures. They need boredom! Routine. Time to entertain themselves. A little day-to-day drudgery, because day-to-day drudgery is part of life. One of the reasons that only children can be (can be! not a guarantee!) a bit spoiled, is because their parents don't have to make the kids of trade offs you're talking about. Those trade offs, and some times "loosing" them is good for them!

Some people will say this is cold. But I disagree. It's LIFE.

The other one that helps I think is: I have a lot of faith and confidence in my kids, even the baby. They can do hard things! I think this perspective helps a lot. Your kids can entertain themselves while you take care of the baby. They can come up with their own adventures. They can create their own life of meaning and wonder, even if you never take them on adventures, because they are strong, brave, competent kids. And your baby is strong, too! She can handle a weekend without you! It might be hard for her, she might cry more. Her routine might be off. But have faith in her! She'll learn. She can handle it!

PS. This all works because objectively, taking a step back, I'm a good parent, my kids are well cared for, well loved, and have great lives. I'm taking for granted that this is true for your kids too, and that intellectually, you know this, and this is about dealing with emotions when you're in the thick of it. Obviously if you're like "I feel guilty my kids don't get food sometimes and I beat them" well, that's very different and you should listen to that guilt!

I totally agree with this. People always ask, how can I make my children more resilient? Well, resilience develops when we have surmountable challenges and stressors in our lives. We learn that we can handle hard things when we deal with and survive hard things. Too many parents try to shield their children from every possible discomfort. It is healthy to not get everything you want, to deal with discomforts, to be bored, and to have less than the next door neighbor! These are all a part of the adult world, and it's best for kids to learn these things when they are young and consequences are small. For the vast majority of mankind's existence on this planet, parents did not revolve their lives around children the way they do currently. I don't think it's a coincidence that kids are becoming less mentally healthy despite child-centric parenting becoming the norm.

Agree 100%. Let your children be frustrated sometimes. Let them be disappointed sometimes.

This is so true and something I have really realized in the past year. My kids are very different and it’s a struggle to find things they both like to do and there is a lot of compromising to meet various needs. And my oldest in particular needs to be practicing that at home not just at school. She needs to see my needs matter and her brother’s needs matter. And she needs to see me make mistakes and live with them (this is the key even more than the others if I’m being honest).

[Anonymous]

I am human, just like everybody else. I have good days and bad days. Every day is an opportunity to try and do better. Some days I succeed, other days, not so much.

My weakness is the old saying that a mother is only as happy as her least happy child. That's me, and my kids are 18 and 20. If something isn't going well for one of my children, or even the way they want it, I feel so bad

[Anonymous]

Because I have a ridiculously good self esteem. I appear humble and sometimes truly can genuinely be so but, generally, I think I do or kick ass at most things. Sort of like the poster a few pages back who said that they believe their kids have the deal ever. My kids lucked out. So did I. I do not worry too much about what other randos think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I have a ridiculously good self esteem. I appear humble and sometimes truly can genuinely be so but, generally, I think I do or kick ass at most things. Sort of like the poster a few pages back who said that they believe their kids have the deal ever. My kids lucked out. So did I. I do not worry too much about what other randos think.

Lol- except for posting. Meant I think I could or actually do kick ass…
Bottom line, it rarely occurs to me to feel badly about my parenting.

[Anonymous]

Some of you speak just like my estranged mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you speak just like my estranged mother.

Was just about to type this. I don’t believe in being a mommy martyr or whatever, but neither do I think you should make it clear to your children that they aren’t your top priority (or even in the top 3). My parents had lots of interests and did their own thing. Now my widowed mother has four children that are either distant or estranged from her. Hope she’s able to make some friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you speak just like my estranged mother.

Was just about to type this. I don’t believe in being a mommy martyr or whatever, but neither do I think you should make it clear to your children that they aren’t your top priority (or even in the top 3). My parents had lots of interests and did their own thing. Now my widowed mother has four children that are either distant or estranged from her. Hope she’s able to make some friends.

Literally no one on this thread suggested their kids aren't their priority. Don't project your mommy issues onto the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you speak just like my estranged mother.

Was just about to type this. I don’t believe in being a mommy martyr or whatever, but neither do I think you should make it clear to your children that they aren’t your top priority (or even in the top 3). My parents had lots of interests and did their own thing. Now my widowed mother has four children that are either distant or estranged from her. Hope she’s able to make some friends.

Literally no one on this thread suggested their kids aren't their priority. Don't project your mommy issues onto the rest of us.

That is definitely the vibe I got from the response on p1 about not being a hands on parent, not liking noise and disruption, putting your marriage and self care at the top of your priority list, taking the vacations you want rather than anything based on what your children might enjoy…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you speak just like my estranged mother.

Was just about to type this. I don’t believe in being a mommy martyr or whatever, but neither do I think you should make it clear to your children that they aren’t your top priority (or even in the top 3). My parents had lots of interests and did their own thing. Now my widowed mother has four children that are either distant or estranged from her. Hope she’s able to make some friends.

Literally no one on this thread suggested their kids aren't their priority. Don't project your mommy issues onto the rest of us.

DP. Your kids will have them too.

[Anonymous]

I don’t compare myself to other moms. I’m not on social media - have better things to do with my time. I’m involved in DS school when I have the time to give. I do the best I can. It does help that DH helps out a lot around the house so I have more time with DS.


Everyone is doing the best they can. Stop the comparing, get off social media, and drop the guilt. You will be much happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you speak just like my estranged mother.

Was just about to type this. I don’t believe in being a mommy martyr or whatever, but neither do I think you should make it clear to your children that they aren’t your top priority (or even in the top 3). My parents had lots of interests and did their own thing. Now my widowed mother has four children that are either distant or estranged from her. Hope she’s able to make some friends.

Literally no one on this thread suggested their kids aren't their priority. Don't project your mommy issues onto the rest of us.

DP. Your kids will have them too.

Wow. I'm sorry you are in a place where you feel the need to say stuff like this. I hope it gets better for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel mom guilt sometimes, but it's because of my impatient or irritable moments with my child.

I rarely feel the kind of mom guilt you're talking about, where I feel bad for getting a pedicure or waiting until the last minute to pick up my kid from daycare or going to a resort with my DH for a weekend. I firmly agree with Ayelet Waldman who said "love your husband more than your children" and I try to put my marriage first, and to a lesser extent, take care of myself. I've never skipped a shower or meal because of having a child. I'm not a mean or cold mom but I definitely put my needs high up and the needs of my marriage even higher, and I think it is ultimately good for the family to have a nourished mom and a nourished marriage as its foundation. My DD, fwiw, seems extremely happy and secure. We keep it balanced, too -- we don't have a team of nannies raising our children with us jetting off out of sight; we just have regular dates/couple experiences and on family vacations, we tend to do what we want to do (with our kid in tow) rather than trek to Disney World.

I have always felt this way. To be frank, I think it's because - while I had the strong urge to have a child *with* my husband - I did not have a strong urge to have children before meeting him. I find kids adorable and heart-wrenchingly innocent from a distance/in the abstract (e.g. the photos of Ukrainian kids in the news are gutting me and I walk by babies and think they're cute). But I'm not a play-on-the-floor, hands-on kid person and I don't like noise/chaos/disruption, so I'm very comfortable living a more adult-led life.

So I really like this, and it’s inspirational to me personally. But here is my real-world example of guilt getting in the way. I want to go out with my DH tonight! A dinner, a movie, whatever. But my DD (11) will then stay home all alone. She’ll be in her room, on her phone 😣 this makes me feel so guilty. My older kid will be out with friends.

Yeah I would NOT even want to go out in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you speak just like my estranged mother.

Was just about to type this. I don’t believe in being a mommy martyr or whatever, but neither do I think you should make it clear to your children that they aren’t your top priority (or even in the top 3). My parents had lots of interests and did their own thing. Now my widowed mother has four children that are either distant or estranged from her. Hope she’s able to make some friends.

Literally no one on this thread suggested their kids aren't their priority. Don't project your mommy issues onto the rest of us.

DP. Your kids will have them too.

Wow. I'm sorry you are in a place where you feel the need to say stuff like this. I hope it gets better for you.

Nice try, sweetie.