If you don’t feel mom guilt - tell me your mindset

[Anonymous]

The other thread got me thinking about mom guilt and how so so many of us feel like we are failing in some way. A therapist even pointed out to me that I create no win situations for myself where no matter what I do I feel like I’m failing someone (the example was that I felt guilty that my bigger kids were missing out on adventure bc of the baby so I booked a sitter for a weekend to take big kids on an adventure and then just felt guilty I’d “abandoned” the baby for a weekend). I do this endlessly, only looking at the negative side of the trade offs I’m making and it’s not helpful.

So I’m just curious - do any moms not feel “mom guilt” regularly. And if so can you share a bit more about your (much healthier) perspective and if you’ve always felt that way or if you did work to get there?

[Anonymous]

I'm just a confident person in general. I realize I can't control everything or do everything or be everything to everyone at all times, so I make the best decisions with the info DH and I have, and we're comfortable with that.

I had a lot of advantages as a kid, and missed out on a lot also. Turned out just fine. Married a nice man, have a sweet dog, two kind and happy kids, thriving career, why should I be stressed over not also having a cat, you know?

[Anonymous]

I don’t really feel much mom guilt. I am good at this - not perfect, but good.

With your example, I don’t mind having to say no to the big kids because something won’t work for the baby. They get an extra human in their life for forever! That’s cooler than a camping trip or whatever, though I never expect them to see it that way when they are kids. That’s such a short season - by the time the “baby” is five, they can keep up with anything (and most things by earlier).

Or if I got a sitter, I would have though that it was nice for the baby to be the center of attention for a bit and get to do activities aimed at him, rather than tagging along to the siblings’ stuff all the time.

I don’t know how I got this, except that my mom did a ton of therapy before kids and I think it really helped. It’s not my job to be perfect or make sure my kids never miss out on things. It’s my job to love them and teach them to be kind - the rest falls into place.

[Anonymous]

Look at the end product- are your kids happy? Do they love you? Are they on their way to being good people?

I think so, so much of it is nature. Your kids are going to turn out how they turn out. You cannot parent your way into Harvard. Provide them with love and a stable, secure home life and that is 90% of the battle. People who focus so much on what the mom is doing are just anxious and trying to control the universe, which you can't do. Breastfeeding or no screens or whatever makes them feel more in control, and that's ok, but the science isn't really there to support those decisions in the longterm.

[Anonymous]

I feel mom guilt sometimes, but it's because of my impatient or irritable moments with my child.

I rarely feel the kind of mom guilt you're talking about, where I feel bad for getting a pedicure or waiting until the last minute to pick up my kid from daycare or going to a resort with my DH for a weekend. I firmly agree with Ayelet Waldman who said "love your husband more than your children" and I try to put my marriage first, and to a lesser extent, take care of myself. I've never skipped a shower or meal because of having a child. I'm not a mean or cold mom but I definitely put my needs high up and the needs of my marriage even higher, and I think it is ultimately good for the family to have a nourished mom and a nourished marriage as its foundation. My DD, fwiw, seems extremely happy and secure. We keep it balanced, too -- we don't have a team of nannies raising our children with us jetting off out of sight; we just have regular dates/couple experiences and on family vacations, we tend to do what we want to do (with our kid in tow) rather than trek to Disney World.

I have always felt this way. To be frank, I think it's because - while I had the strong urge to have a child *with* my husband - I did not have a strong urge to have children before meeting him. I find kids adorable and heart-wrenchingly innocent from a distance/in the abstract (e.g. the photos of Ukrainian kids in the news are gutting me and I walk by babies and think they're cute). But I'm not a play-on-the-floor, hands-on kid person and I don't like noise/chaos/disruption, so I'm very comfortable living a more adult-led life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really feel much mom guilt. I am good at this - not perfect, but good.

With your example, I don’t mind having to say no to the big kids because something won’t work for the baby. They get an extra human in their life for forever! That’s cooler than a camping trip or whatever, though I never expect them to see it that way when they are kids. That’s such a short season - by the time the “baby” is five, they can keep up with anything (and most things by earlier).

Or if I got a sitter, I would have though that it was nice for the baby to be the center of attention for a bit and get to do activities aimed at him, rather than tagging along to the siblings’ stuff all the time.

I don’t know how I got this, except that my mom did a ton of therapy before kids and I think it really helped. It’s not my job to be perfect or make sure my kids never miss out on things. It’s my job to love them and teach them to be kind - the rest falls into place.

This this this. Learn to be ok disappointing your kids. They will be better for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just a confident person in general. I realize I can't control everything or do everything or be everything to everyone at all times, so I make the best decisions with the info DH and I have, and we're comfortable with that.

I had a lot of advantages as a kid, and missed out on a lot also. Turned out just fine. Married a nice man, have a sweet dog, two kind and happy kids, thriving career, why should I be stressed over not also having a cat, you know?

I feel the same although I was raised by a single mom and we had very little. My siblings and I turned out just fine so I figure my kids, who have so many more advantages and opportunities than I ever did, will also be fine.

And I don’t compare our family to anyone else’s. What works for one family may not work for another and another family’s choices are no reflection of mine. I am confident in the values we are instilling in our kids and in the choices we make for our family.

[Anonymous]

I also have zero guilt about being a working mom. My work provides a solid financial base for our family, takes stress off my husband from being the primary wage earner, will pay for college and graduate school and likely some generational wealth. Why should I feel guilty about that?

[Anonymous]

these responses are great. But OP, they are from mentally healthy people - you can’t just will your way to a good place anymore than you could will your leg to not be broken anymore. Don’t feel guilty if, for you right now, you need support to get to a confident place.

[Anonymous]

I have grown out of my mom guilt as my kids have gotten older and I have too. I am more confident in my choices and accepting of the fact that there are limits in what we can give them and that is a-okay.

[Anonymous]

Not sure. I was in my late 30s when I had my kids, and felt secure in myself and my place in the world by then. I work but just 40 hours a week. I have work travel about 5-6x a year and love getting out. My husband is extremely present and shares equally with me. My kids are healthy and happy. As long as they remain happy, I have no mom guilt. I know my own well-being is very important, so I make sure I have time for me - to exercise, shower, eat, see friends - and I still have lots of time with my kids and my husband.

I don't follow anyone on Instagram/Facebook and don't compare myself to others.

My kids live a lovely, pretty sheltered life in the DC suburbs with enough money to get what they need. We worked hard to be able to provide that for them. They will probably be fine. They are pretty d*mn lucky kids.

[Anonymous]

I don’t feel mom guilt. I don’t agree to volunteer for things I don’t want to do. I do volunteer for things I enjoy and am good at. I don’t invent projects for myself like fancy cakes for BDs or homemade Halloween costumes unless my kids ask me to. I don’t do crap like Elf on the Shelf or things that make extra work for me. I think it’s ok for kids to be bored and figure out what to do about it.

I was an only child and my parents regularly had weeknight babysitters for me and took me to my grandparents one full weekend every month and 1-2 weeks in the summer. My parents had hobbies and friends and interesting lives separate from being parents - but still manages to chaperone field trips and attend all my sporting events. They were involved and loving - but also had time away from me. I aim for a similar balance with my kids.

Also I don’t care what other people do. I have a friend whose kids are in 2x as many activities and go on 2x as many vacations. That’s great for their family and I’m sure it’s fun, but it makes me exhausted just hearing about it. We run our own race.

[Anonymous]

For me, I think there’s a lot of ego there I try to examine. Thinking only I can give my kids what they ‘need.’ I step back and see the village gives them so much, not in the way I would but trusting them to digest it well. Also helps to accept that they also need to experience sadness, loss, and loneliness a little to find inner strength. I’ve stopped trying to protect them from that. They need purpose more than they need pampering.

[Anonymous]

I feel mom guilt but I recognize it for what it is: something imposed on me by unfair expectations.

And then I go on with my day. I am not going to be shamed by men, my mom, other women, or society at large for taking care of myself, setting limits, or making hard choices I know to be right for my family. I refuse to be held to a higher standard of parenting than my own husband. I refuse to allow people to compare me to other women on everything from my mothering style to my appearance to how much money I make to how clean my house is, as though we're in some kind of Mom Olympics. I will chart my own course, do right by myself and my own family according to our values, and exercise self-love, empathy, and kindness whenever I can.

I get mom guilt because mom guilt get's handed to me, just like it gets handed to every mom. The way I get rid of it the same way I get rid of a flyer for a service I don't need -- Throw. It. Away. I don't need it, I'm busy.

[Anonymous]

A healthy dose of guilt is good. Only immoral people don’t feel guilty.