Taking away the car
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Anonymous
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OP here. Thankfully, mom is a rule follower and also extremely worried about the financial impacts of another accident, so she won’t drive without insurance.
Also, pretty sure that somewhere in her brain she knows she should not drive. She is capable of picking up the phone and arranging for insurance herself but she won’t do it. It’s really the emotional stuff that’s the biggest concern. She’s really struggling with the loss of independence. But she’s not really with it enough to manage those feelings so what’s happening is that she’s decided to blame us for not helping her apply for insurance and saying it’s us who took away the car and that she can’t trust us and we’re going to force her to have all these medical treatments… it’s all crazy talk and it’s exhausting. |
Anonymous
Paranoia is a common symptom of dementia |
Anonymous
it's a great idea and should be done. Looks like we have someone clueless posting. Her mother has no self-awareness and could murder someone with her car. |
Anonymous
what is the alternative if they refuse to stop driving on their own? |
Anonymous
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Deactivate the car (remove the battery)
Tell her the car is broken down. |
Anonymous
OP here. The car is two years old and has less than 2,000 miles on it. She is with it enough to know the car hasn't broken down and she most certainly won't simply forget it if we don't have it fixed. (We slow-walked it but she insisted on getting a new car after she totaled her last car three years ago.) I agree with a pp who said the paranoia is probably a sign of dementia or cognitive impairment, but if she is struggling with those issues, it's still mild enough that she would absolutely notice immediately if we disabled the car or took away the keys. And these actions would likely only further exacerbate the paranoia, since then she'd actually have good reason to suspect us of plotting against her. FWIW - She's been evaluated for MCI before but doctor hasn't found it. It's probably time for another check. (Will be asking at her next appointment.) I think she's more likely to be suffering from anosognosia, which can be caused by stroke - she's had several of those - and causes a person to not realize their challenges. For example, she knows she is close to legally blind but can't see how that should stop her from driving. She seems to remember her physical limitations only when it's convenient. Like, she hates using the computer and says she's too blind to do it; but then insists she can see well enough to drive. |
Anonymous
| Tell her that it is much more demanding to be a driver these days with (these young-folk distracted drivers, modern cars, need for speed. Also remind her that if she gets in an accident, she can (not only hurt another) but could be sued for a lot of money — this part got my mothers attention $$. She let it go. |
Anonymous
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New poster, new perspective.
A lot of the “solutions” offered here didn’t really catch the OP’s question. OP, my take is that your Mom is dealing with early-stage mortality denial. As in, she knows she’s gonna die – OK, that stinks – but first you’re gonna take away her independence. She can’t blame you for the first thing, but she sure can blame you for the second. (Meanwhile, you’re just trying to keep her and others safe.) So I suggest you try to move the mental pieces around so that it’s not your Mom vs you, but rather you and your Mom vs the situation. She knows she can’t get insurance. She knows why too – just doesn’t want to face it. Sympathize – not because the situation’s unjust – but because it’s pretty traumatic for her. “I know Mom, that must be so frustrating.” Let her vent. Listen. See where you might help her save face. I urge everybody to understand that “taking away the carkeys” is a terrifying rite of passage for some folks. Be tactful and kind. You’ll want the same when it’s your turn. |
Anonymous
| My parents moved into a CCRC and the social worker there reported my father (per my brother and mine concern). Then he got a letter from VA DMV saying he had to get a doctors note that he was capable to drive and pass an eye test. He tried to get both (we helped him get there) and failed on both requirements. Same situation - he is 87 and dementia is setting in. Which makes him even more irrational on this subject. |
Anonymous
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I understand that the OP is asking for help with navigating the emotional side of this with her mother, and for that you have my profound sympathies. I have been there and it is very difficult.
However, I would not rely on the lack of insurance and your mother's rule following nature to prevent her from driving. Number one, as you note, she could just call and get insurance reinstated *without telling you* - and you would be surprised how capable a person with cognitive decline can be if they suddenly decide that they want to do something. Number two, she could stop seeing the lack of insurance as a barrier to driving, due to her cognitive changes. We've all seen people with cognitive damage do things that seemed surprising or out of character, so relying on her rule-following tendency is not sufficient. I know you don't want to fight about it, or be mean, or take something away from her. I've been there, and I've had to take the keys away, even though my relative was not willing to consider using other modes of transportation. It is incredibly difficult, and it is not going to feel good for you emotionally. My best advice is to find a secret way to disable the car as a back up to prevent her from driving. Remove the battery - if a car hasn't been driven in a while the battery can die, even in a new car (this is actually what happened with my elderly relative's car). Take it in for service and then don't bring it back. Say there's a recall and they need the part but supply chain/chip shortage/whatever. If you're not comfortable lying then just say "mom, I love you but you're not a safe driver and I'm not bringing the car back." None of these options are easy but you need to make absolutely sure she can't drive the car again. The stakes are too high. I know two people who were hit by elderly drivers who shouldn't have been on the road. One, an adult, had multiple surgeries and will never walk straight again, and the other, a child, was in the hospital for weeks and will probably never play sports. I know it is very painful to take away the keys, but when you weigh it in comparison to the life long damage an unsafe driver can do, you need to be courageous and do the right thing. And finally, if that doesn't convince you, consider that if your mother decides to drive and hits someone without insurance, you will be paying for 100% of her expenses for the rest of her life because she will be bankrupted paying for the victim's medical bills. |
Anonymous
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My mother took away her mother's car and my father took away his father's car. In both cases, my grandparents were belligerent about this issue with their respective child until their dying days. They never let it go and brought it up at every opportunity.
DH took away his Dad's car after some mystery dents and a fall that put him in assisted living. He talked about it for 3 or 4 years but less angrily than my grandparents. Now that dementia has him, we don't hear about it anymore. This is yet another thankless elder care task you have to manage. Stay strong! |
Anonymous
Hope you don’t ever get hit by someone like OP’s mother! |
Anonymous
| I know someone who brought up a driving concern to their parents doctor. He contacted the DMV and they had to pay some outrageous fee to have him evaluated before they took his license. It was in MD. Check that before going the doctor route. |
Anonymous
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For those of you who "take away the car" or "take away the keys"--how do you literally do it?
My Dad keeps his car in a locked garage--so I can't just do something to disable it. No matter how many times I say "Dad, give me they keys!" he would not hand them over. I would literally have to physically assault him to the point he was unconcious and steal them. My Dad absolutely would press charges if I did either of those... So I'd end up in prison and he'd just buy another car. |
Anonymous
Clearly a different situation than OP's, but there are a couple of options. One is to work with the DMV to get the license taken away (they'll usually have him do a vision or driving test or get a doctor's form) and then if he drives, you call the police and have them pull him over and impound the car (you'll probably want to call the police non-emergency number in advance and figure out the best way to do this). If he is incompetent you could get guardianship and then you have the right to take it away--but then he also can't vote or sign contracts so it's a big deal. You could threaten it though in hopes that he'll give you the keys to avoid the rest. |