Taking away the car
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
At 89, mom doesn’t have the mental or physical skills to safely operate a car. She’s been evaluated by a driving instructor - who said she should not be allowed to drive under any circumstances - and has been involved in accidents. She went a whole year without having car insurance and didn’t even realize it.
Her car days are clearly over but she absolutely refuses to accept it. We have all decided to simply not help her get reinsured, which is keeping her off the streets, but she’s having constant meltdowns about it. It’s all she will talk about. She’s ruminating, obsessing, etc. She won’t accept a car service or any of the alternatives we’ve offered. She just lashes out at everyone. Just keeps INSISTING she can drive and that we are all horrible for not helping her. If you got through this hurdle with your aging parent, how did you do it? |
Anonymous
| Have her doctor send a letter to the DMV. |
Anonymous
In the mean time, disconnect the battery. |
Anonymous
Wow, nice way to shame and take away someone's dignity. |
Anonymous
| Just listen and nod... If she has not driven in a year she probably does not actually want to drive she just wants to be able to drive. |
Anonymous
| You must hold your ground regardless of how she feels. She's an unsafe driver. Imagine how you'd feel if she hurt someone in an accident. |
Anonymous
Both of these things. We had to do both to prevent my grandmother from driving. Disconnecting the battery worked better. |
Anonymous
|
Agree with the driving instructor/doctor notifying the DMV will make a 3rd party the bad guy instead of (lets be honest, more in addition to) you.
Not renewing her insurance doesn't keep her off the road - disable the car or take the keys. |
Anonymous
|
Absolutely disable the car.
In our case, it took FIL hitting a stop sign that he swore "wasn't there until today." This was at a corner has has been driving through for 50 years. There's always been a stop sign. We sat him down and eventually he admitted the risk was too great. He also admitted to a few earlier close calls that gave me nightmares. |
Anonymous
This, don't cancel the insurance or DMV as she can drive without those two things and its a huge liability. |
Anonymous
|
Disable the car (and make sure she doesn't have something like AAA). Then when she wants to drive, don't argue with her. Let her go out to the car and discover it's not working.
Does she have any memory issues? If she does, it works to your advantage. Use therapeutic lying-- you'll get the car towed to be fixed (whoops they are so backed up they cant get to it for a few weeks), or the part has been ordered (whoops, because of the pandemic having trouble getting the part) or tell her that going out in public is really dangerous because of covid. Keep doing this on repeat. My Mom has dementia and hasn't driven in 1.5 years (my Dad is able to drive her). And she still thinks she can drive. When my Dad needed someone to drive him to a doctor's appt, she was mad that I was doing it because "as his wife" she should be doing it. I didn't fight her. I just told her okay, you can drive him. Then on the day of the appointment, I just came and picked him up. The key is to find ways not to argue. You will never win the argument. The only thing you'll do is cause more agitation. Good Luck! PS- make sure you have POA in place! It's nightmare once dementia happens. And keep an eye on her bank accounts. This is the stage that elderly start to spend uncontrollably or people take advantage of them and start stealing. |
Anonymous
Yeah, please let her kill somebody or herself in an accident. But, hey, she would have her dignity 
|
Anonymous
|
Is there a high school or college student in your family (or any adult, really) that needs a car? Would she be willing to give them the car--enabling her to feel like the "hero" for helping that person out?
A couple years ago my mom was at the point where she could no longer drive--which SHE was actually ok with, but my dad was not. My brother was able to convince my dad that my son (who happened to be turning 16 at that time) REALLY needed a car, and wouldn't it be wonderful if my mom could give him her car? |
Anonymous
The DMV can de-license her. People drive without a valid license all the time. Take your nasty sarcasm somewhere else. |
Anonymous
Dignity is being a danger to yourself and others? Oh hell no. OP, take away the car keys. Many people still drive without a license or insurance, unfortunately. |