Taking away the car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely disable the car.

In our case, it took FIL hitting a stop sign that he swore "wasn't there until today." This was at a corner has has been driving through for 50 years. There's always been a stop sign.

We sat him down and eventually he admitted the risk was too great. He also admitted to a few earlier close calls that gave me nightmares.

Battery a pretty food idea. It took my dad him sides-swiping cars twice (we didn’t realize) and me seeing him drive forward — over the sidewalk!- while intending to reverse. Thank goodness no one was hurt in these situations.

[Anonymous]

I had "the talk" with my parents. At the end of it, asked them for their keys. They said no. Called my brother. I was pretty upset. He wasn't surprised. Told me not to worry anymore. He'd disconnect their car battery. They didn't have the mental bandwidth to have that problem fixed. And for the dementia/elderly their perception of time is severely impaired. They don't remember how long ago it was when they last drove.

The downside is a perfectly good car sat and rotted away. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a high school or college student in your family (or any adult, really) that needs a car? Would she be willing to give them the car--enabling her to feel like the "hero" for helping that person out?
A couple years ago my mom was at the point where she could no longer drive--which SHE was actually ok with, but my dad was not. My brother was able to convince my dad that my son (who happened to be turning 16 at that time) REALLY needed a car, and wouldn't it be wonderful if my mom could give him her car?

This is what we ended up doing. My mom (who has Alzheimer's and now lives with us as she is no longer able to manage on her own) started having anxiety a couple of years ago, which we believe was the first clue that cognitive decline had begun. She started saying she was afraid to drive, but from time to time would still drive short distances to the grocery store or wherever. She has never driven long distances on her own, even when she was younger.

Then last May, we got a call from the manager at her senior apartment that she had gone out driving, got lost, and was escorted home by the police. To this day she can't tell us where she was going or how she got lost. Thankfully she had the presence of mind to pull over and stop the car, and was able to identify herself to the police and say where she lived. A few months later she received a notice in the mail from EZ Pass that she failed to pay a toll on the NJ Turnpike so we had to pay that toll and the accompanying fine. She never goes on the Turnpike so that goes to show that she had no idea where she was or what she was doing that day. My brother and I took the keys and she never drove again after that. From time to time she'd ask where her keys were, and she had a couple of meltdowns about no longer being able to drive, but then, with our encouragement, she got the idea to give her car to my 16 year old son who is learning to drive. We brought it down to Virginia, had it titled and tagged and insured, and it now lives in our driveway where she can see it. She asks about it from time to time and we assure her that we are taking very good care of it for her and my son is thrilled to have a 2013 VW Jetta with only about 37,000 miles on it. She has no desire to drive because she is not at all familiar with Virginia roads, and we've also replaced her NJ driver's license with a Virginia state ID.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her doctor send a letter to the DMV.

Wow, nice way to shame and take away someone's dignity.

Better than having her take away someone's life by causing an accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her doctor send a letter to the DMV.

Wow, nice way to shame and take away someone's dignity.

Dignity is being a danger to yourself and others? Oh hell no.

OP, take away the car keys.

Many people still drive without a license or insurance, unfortunately.

+1

One of my doctors was almost killed and left with years of chronic pain and rehabilitation due to a woman who insisted she wasn't too old to drive. My friend's daughter was hit by another entitled old lady. By at least 80 you should be required to take a driver's test to keep your license AND your car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster, new perspective.

A lot of the “solutions” offered here didn’t really catch the OP’s question.

OP, my take is that your Mom is dealing with early-stage mortality denial. As in, she knows she’s gonna die – OK, that stinks – but first you’re gonna take away her independence. She can’t blame you for the first thing, but she sure can blame you for the second. (Meanwhile, you’re just trying to keep her and others safe.)

So I suggest you try to move the mental pieces around so that it’s not your Mom vs you, but rather you and your Mom vs the situation. She knows she can’t get insurance. She knows why too – just doesn’t want to face it. Sympathize – not because the situation’s unjust – but because it’s pretty traumatic for her. “I know Mom, that must be so frustrating.” Let her vent. Listen. See where you might help her save face.

I urge everybody to understand that “taking away the carkeys” is a terrifying rite of passage for some folks. Be tactful and kind. You’ll want the same when it’s your turn.

Thank you pp. (OP here.) You definitely picked up on my primary concern. And we have been doing exactly as you advised. I listen to the venting - sometimes for hours a week - and her frustration. I am sympathetic and repeat over and over that I understand how hard this is for her. But she keeps saying things like, "I would only drive in the day time. I would only go two blocks," etc., etc., as she keeps trying to convince me to tell my siblings to let her drive. The more I affirm her POV without also promising to help her convince the others, the more hysterical she gets. She just gets madder and madder when I say I understand her feelings.

We arranged for her to see a therapist, but she turned it around on us and says the therapist says we just don't understand her, that the therapist says she's a safer driver than the teens in the family, etc. The therapist is part of a palliative care team so I highly doubt she is actually saying mom should drive, but mom also interprets the therapist's empathy as meaning she's on her side and that we're all terrible and abusive children. This week mom even told me she hid the POA because her attorney told her not to trust us. (We all have copies. And the attorney would not say this.)

Honestly, it's at the point where I no longer want to call or see her because every time I pick up the phone it's like getting blasted with a fire hydrant of anger and recrimination. Even the simplest conversation about arranging to bring over her groceries ends up in her screaming at me about the car.

And yes, I know where it's coming from. Loss of independence. Impending death. Her breast cancer may be back. That's absolutely got her in a twist - as it would anyone. Maybe I just have to accept that she's going to spend the last years of her life screaming at us. It's just so hard because I know the end is close and I want to want to be with her during these last days/weeks/months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her doctor send a letter to the DMV.

Wow, nice way to shame and take away someone's dignity.

It’s essential when someone is a threat to themselves or others, and doesn’t realize or accept it.

[Anonymous]

We unhooked the battery which worked for a few months. At some point he wanted to start the car "to make sure the battery was not dead" and needed it a new battery became the urgent need.

Hooked the battery back up, but removed the driveshaft. Now the car can start fine, just won’t move. It’s been 2 years. He wants to think he "can" go somewhere if needed, but hasn’t noticed yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her doctor send a letter to the DMV.

Wow, nice way to shame and take away someone's dignity.

She could kill herself and/or someone else. What do you propose instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother took away her mother's car and my father took away his father's car. In both cases, my grandparents were belligerent about this issue with their respective child until their dying days. They never let it go and brought it up at every opportunity.

DH took away his Dad's car after some mystery dents and a fall that put him in assisted living. He talked about it for 3 or 4 years but less angrily than my grandparents. Now that dementia has him, we don't hear about it anymore.

This is yet another thankless elder care task you have to manage. Stay strong!

This seems like such a massive issue, and there needs to be a better way to go about it. It should be easier to report ones relative to the DMV, or have the doctor coordinate with them. It should not be this terrible, long lasting battle between parent and child. Why is there no process for this in our society? It is literally a life and death issue

[Anonymous]

This guidance might help other families avoid your predicament:

https://newsroom.aaa.com/2018/08/older-drivers-talking-driving-safety/

All you can do is show her the instructor's report. Perhaps ask her doctor to discuss it with her.

Try to stay calm. Acknowledge how hard it must be, and see if there are ways you can still make her feel like she still has freedom/independence.

Sorry this is hard. You did the right thing...and are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother took away her mother's car and my father took away his father's car. In both cases, my grandparents were belligerent about this issue with their respective child until their dying days. They never let it go and brought it up at every opportunity.

DH took away his Dad's car after some mystery dents and a fall that put him in assisted living. He talked about it for 3 or 4 years but less angrily than my grandparents. Now that dementia has him, we don't hear about it anymore.

This is yet another thankless elder care task you have to manage. Stay strong!

This seems like such a massive issue, and there needs to be a better way to go about it. It should be easier to report ones relative to the DMV, or have the doctor coordinate with them. It should not be this terrible, long lasting battle between parent and child. Why is there no process for this in our society? It is literally a life and death issue

If it was too easy to just report people and have their license taken away, it could be abused.

[Anonymous]

It shouldn’t be easy, but it is clearly necessary. Also, saying it could be abused… Why? Who would be incentivized to take the license away from someone who can drive safely? I do think those over a certain age, maybe 80, should have to take an annual strict driving test

[Anonymous]

I went through this 8 years ago with my Mom. I failed to stop her from driving, and she eventually crashed into the brick wall of an elementary school. She didn't hit anybody, but she managed to break bones in her legs and arms. She never properly healed, and died about a year after the crash. I believe she might still be alive today had she stopped driving, thereby avoiding the accident.

Now I'm going through the same issue with my father, who is 88 years old. He refuses to stop driving, despite what happened to my Mom. I've done my best to stop him, and don't have the energy to pursue it any further. It is frustrating to watch one's parents make such a stupid decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this 8 years ago with my Mom. I failed to stop her from driving, and she eventually crashed into the brick wall of an elementary school. She didn't hit anybody, but she managed to break bones in her legs and arms. She never properly healed, and died about a year after the crash. I believe she might still be alive today had she stopped driving, thereby avoiding the accident.

Now I'm going through the same issue with my father, who is 88 years old. He refuses to stop driving, despite what happened to my Mom. I've done my best to stop him, and don't have the energy to pursue it any further. It is frustrating to watch one's parents make such a stupid decision.

I am so sorry for all you have been through. Contact the DMV. I believe they have a form online where you can report him. Call the local police too. Document it. Then at least you know you tried.