Talking to parents of non-binary kids

[Anonymous]

Our kid uses "they" and a preferred name with friends/outside the house, but keeps their old name/pronoun with us. I think it's to hold onto a familiar identity as they explore new identity outside. We used the new name/pronoun for awhile but then shifted when relatives visited and then they didn't ask to go back to it. So I think there's a whole range--not just keeping it secret from family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kid uses "they" and a preferred name with friends/outside the house, but keeps their old name/pronoun with us. I think it's to hold onto a familiar identity as they explore new identity outside. We used the new name/pronoun for awhile but then shifted when relatives visited and then they didn't ask to go back to it. So I think there's a whole range--not just keeping it secret from family.

May I ask you an honest question? Why do you allow this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kid uses "they" and a preferred name with friends/outside the house, but keeps their old name/pronoun with us. I think it's to hold onto a familiar identity as they explore new identity outside. We used the new name/pronoun for awhile but then shifted when relatives visited and then they didn't ask to go back to it. So I think there's a whole range--not just keeping it secret from family.

May I ask you an honest question? Why do you allow this?

Allow what? Allow them to explore their identity? Why would I try to control that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kid uses "they" and a preferred name with friends/outside the house, but keeps their old name/pronoun with us. I think it's to hold onto a familiar identity as they explore new identity outside. We used the new name/pronoun for awhile but then shifted when relatives visited and then they didn't ask to go back to it. So I think there's a whole range--not just keeping it secret from family.

May I ask you an honest question? Why do you allow this?

Allow what? Allow them to explore their identity? Why would I try to control that?

Well, gee, I don't know. Perhaps because the role of a parent is to provide guidance, perspective, wisdom and experience, rather than turn them over to the wilds of the internet and fads of the day, to "explore their identity?" Not to mention, keeping your kid grounded in reality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kid uses "they" and a preferred name with friends/outside the house, but keeps their old name/pronoun with us. I think it's to hold onto a familiar identity as they explore new identity outside. We used the new name/pronoun for awhile but then shifted when relatives visited and then they didn't ask to go back to it. So I think there's a whole range--not just keeping it secret from family.

May I ask you an honest question? Why do you allow this?

Allow what? Allow them to explore their identity? Why would I try to control that?

Well, gee, I don't know. Perhaps because the role of a parent is to provide guidance, perspective, wisdom and experience, rather than turn them over to the wilds of the internet and fads of the day, to "explore their identity?" Not to mention, keeping your kid grounded in reality?

I don't see it the way you do. Societies have had to work very hard to enforce gender norms and adolescence has always been a time for identity exploration. There's just less shame around gender variance now. Is it a little faddish? Maybe. For some kids is it genuine? Yes. I don't see it as a big deal. My kid does chores, does excellent in school, is honest and trustworthy, is kind etc. I think I'm doing a decent job as a parent, and I have two older kids launched successfully as well. I think they are all grounded in reality just fine. We've talked about their gender identity and what they think about it. I've asked questions. It's not my role to lay down the law about how they feel about themselves and who they are, rather to be a sounding board for what they are thinking.
I disagree with your views on my parenting and think that I'm providing perspective and experience--including my experience with many friends on the LGTBQ+ spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kid uses "they" and a preferred name with friends/outside the house, but keeps their old name/pronoun with us. I think it's to hold onto a familiar identity as they explore new identity outside. We used the new name/pronoun for awhile but then shifted when relatives visited and then they didn't ask to go back to it. So I think there's a whole range--not just keeping it secret from family.

I’m in the exact same situation and didn’t know it was a “thing.” Have offered several times to change which name and/or pronouns I use, but DC always says no and I don’t want to be pushy.

It does get a little awkward when talking to the families of friends, since we end up using different names and pronouns. It’s not THAT big of a deal — everyone knows what everyone means and it’s not confusing — so I’ve had to face up to the fact that mostly I don’t want other parents to assume that I’m “that parent” who refuses to adjust. But giving DC control over a difficult choice seems more important than worrying about my social reputation, so, shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kid uses "they" and a preferred name with friends/outside the house, but keeps their old name/pronoun with us. I think it's to hold onto a familiar identity as they explore new identity outside. We used the new name/pronoun for awhile but then shifted when relatives visited and then they didn't ask to go back to it. So I think there's a whole range--not just keeping it secret from family.

I’m in the exact same situation and didn’t know it was a “thing.” Have offered several times to change which name and/or pronouns I use, but DC always says no and I don’t want to be pushy.

It does get a little awkward when talking to the families of friends, since we end up using different names and pronouns. It’s not THAT big of a deal — everyone knows what everyone means and it’s not confusing — so I’ve had to face up to the fact that mostly I don’t want other parents to assume that I’m “that parent” who refuses to adjust. But giving DC control over a difficult choice seems more important than worrying about my social reputation, so, shrug.

It sounds like part of this may be peer pressure and wanting to fit in by adjusting pronouns since that’s the trend among this age group. I’m sure there are some legitimate cases but they are likely rare. I don’t see any issue with kids wanting to explore identity or sexuality. I call my child by their gender at birth pronoun because I don’t follow trends. If it turned out to be permanent, I’d support them but right now they are too impulsive to practice good judgment so I don’t put much stock in it. I do think they are gay and perhaps struggling with that so I try to be supportive in that respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kid uses "they" and a preferred name with friends/outside the house, but keeps their old name/pronoun with us. I think it's to hold onto a familiar identity as they explore new identity outside. We used the new name/pronoun for awhile but then shifted when relatives visited and then they didn't ask to go back to it. So I think there's a whole range--not just keeping it secret from family.

May I ask you an honest question? Why do you allow this?

Allow what? Allow them to explore their identity? Why would I try to control that?

Well, gee, I don't know. Perhaps because the role of a parent is to provide guidance, perspective, wisdom and experience, rather than turn them over to the wilds of the internet and fads of the day, to "explore their identity?" Not to mention, keeping your kid grounded in reality?

I don't see it the way you do. Societies have had to work very hard to enforce gender norms and adolescence has always been a time for identity exploration. There's just less shame around gender variance now. Is it a little faddish? Maybe. For some kids is it genuine? Yes. I don't see it as a big deal. My kid does chores, does excellent in school, is honest and trustworthy, is kind etc. I think I'm doing a decent job as a parent, and I have two older kids launched successfully as well. I think they are all grounded in reality just fine. We've talked about their gender identity and what they think about it. I've asked questions. It's not my role to lay down the law about how they feel about themselves and who they are, rather to be a sounding board for what they are thinking.
I disagree with your views on my parenting and think that I'm providing perspective and experience--including my experience with many friends on the LGTBQ+ spectrum.

What a lovely response!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kid uses "they" and a preferred name with friends/outside the house, but keeps their old name/pronoun with us. I think it's to hold onto a familiar identity as they explore new identity outside. We used the new name/pronoun for awhile but then shifted when relatives visited and then they didn't ask to go back to it. So I think there's a whole range--not just keeping it secret from family.

Same here. By not making a big fuss about her desired pronoun, using it for a bit and then forgetting, I bought myself a free pass by saying she is the same person to me, no matter what, but I called her she for so long its not likely I can retrain to perfection. She saw I was being honest, and then kind of decided to let me call her she. I then ask when we went to new doctors for example if its ok to just go with she, like if they don't have an option on their form otherwise, which they often do not.

She said she feels like doctors are clearly dealing with a female body when she comes in so its doesn't matter if they call her she.

I definitely believe not trying to control it while also being honest has worked best for us. We support her exploration of this non binary identity and she in turn gives a little by letting us still call her she. My husband (her stepdad) was actually way better at making the transition, and manages they about 50% of the time.

So OP, don't make assumptions about how parents are dealing with their children based on pronoun usage. We all do something different.

[Anonymous]

I just continue to use the kids pronoun if I know it. Kids with transparency often switch back-and-forth as they are getting used to things. I don’t have to change what they’re saying. If I don’t know the child I’ll go with what the parent is using.

[Anonymous]

I just use their name. Two friends have kids that have picked really weird names (like Unicorn), so we sound like idiots talking about "Unicorn", but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

My kid has switched pronouns a couple of times. He is not out to everyone. I am fully on board with him no matter what- I love him, not his gender. But I use she when I run into someone at the grocery store who is a casual acquaintance because my kid is not out to everyone and it isn't up to me to decide who gets to know what and when. I'm following his lead and supporting him how he is asking me to support him. Don't read anything else into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid has switched pronouns a couple of times. He is not out to everyone. I am fully on board with him no matter what- I love him, not his gender. But I use she when I run into someone at the grocery store who is a casual acquaintance because my kid is not out to everyone and it isn't up to me to decide who gets to know what and when. I'm following his lead and supporting him how he is asking me to support him. Don't read anything else into it.

You just used he and she to reference to a child in one post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kid uses "they" and a preferred name with friends/outside the house, but keeps their old name/pronoun with us. I think it's to hold onto a familiar identity as they explore new identity outside. We used the new name/pronoun for awhile but then shifted when relatives visited and then they didn't ask to go back to it. So I think there's a whole range--not just keeping it secret from family.

May I ask you an honest question? Why do you allow this?

Allow what? Allow them to explore their identity? Why would I try to control that?

Well, gee, I don't know. Perhaps because the role of a parent is to provide guidance, perspective, wisdom and experience, rather than turn them over to the wilds of the internet and fads of the day, to "explore their identity?" Not to mention, keeping your kid grounded in reality?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid has switched pronouns a couple of times. He is not out to everyone. I am fully on board with him no matter what- I love him, not his gender. But I use she when I run into someone at the grocery store who is a casual acquaintance because my kid is not out to everyone and it isn't up to me to decide who gets to know what and when. I'm following his lead and supporting him how he is asking me to support him. Don't read anything else into it.

You just used he and she to reference to a child in one post.

DP: That was kind of the point--if her DC is not out as a "he" to everyone, the parent uses their prior pronoun.