Talking to parents of non-binary kids

[Anonymous]

We have encounter this a lot as well. We are completely on board with what our kids friends identify as. The 2 scenarios we have witnessed are
1. The other parents were not aware we knew, so just used the give pronouns from birth.
2. The other parents were not quite fully on board. In this situation we just refer to the friend by their name. No he/she/they.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have encounter this a lot as well. We are completely on board with what our kids friends identify as. The 2 scenarios we have witnessed are
1. The other parents were not aware we knew, so just used the give pronouns from birth.
2. The other parents were not quite fully on board. In this situation we just refer to the friend by their name. No he/she/they.

This came up briefly upthread, but there’s also:

3. Child prefers a different name and pronoun outside the home but does not want to change at home, for whatever reason. Sometimes it feels like a bigger leap to leave behind what you’ve always been called at home. We’re in that situation, even though both parents are completely supportive and all close friends and some extended family use the other name and pronouns. Very confusing for everyone, but that’s what works for our child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just use their name. Two friends have kids that have picked really weird names (like Unicorn), so we sound like idiots talking about "Unicorn", but it is what it is.

This. This is why parents shouldn't cave to the fads of gender identity.

When I was 12, I got super into skateboarding. It was my entire identity. I would have been thrilled if I could insist that every call me Thrasher, instead of my given name, and refer to me as 'the skateboarder' when referring to me in the 3rd person.

But that would have been lunacy.

Calling a kid 'Unicorn' when their name is Jill is just as crazy. And having to go back and forth between multiple names and pronouns is just as stupid.

This is out of control

+1.

One of DD's friend has shared that she's non-binary but does not like 'they.'. So instead, he has asked that we alternate between he/she & him/her. But these kids have the audacity to call us out if we accidentally use 'he' 2 times in a row, or don't use a statement like "She left his phone on the counter"

I support exploring yourself at this age, but there is also so much you can expect from people

Tweens/teens are sometimes self-centered and a little ridiculous. News at 11.

Agreed. But in all other areas of their self-centeredness (is that a word?) and ridiculousness, we don't indulge it. We tell them they are being ridiculous.

But god forbid we push back on pronouns...

I wish you much luck when your child comes home and tells you they are non-binary and want to change their pronouns and you tell them no.

I get your point. But I'm 99.9% sure they won't. For a lot of reasons

But if they ever did. I would listen. And I would chuckle and tell them "no, I'm not calling you Unicorn" if they ever requested that I do that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just use their name. Two friends have kids that have picked really weird names (like Unicorn), so we sound like idiots talking about "Unicorn", but it is what it is.

This. This is why parents shouldn't cave to the fads of gender identity.

When I was 12, I got super into skateboarding. It was my entire identity. I would have been thrilled if I could insist that every call me Thrasher, instead of my given name, and refer to me as 'the skateboarder' when referring to me in the 3rd person.

But that would have been lunacy.

Calling a kid 'Unicorn' when their name is Jill is just as crazy. And having to go back and forth between multiple names and pronouns is just as stupid.

This is out of control

+1.

One of DD's friend has shared that she's non-binary but does not like 'they.'. So instead, he has asked that we alternate between he/she & him/her. But these kids have the audacity to call us out if we accidentally use 'he' 2 times in a row, or don't use a statement like "She left his phone on the counter"

I support exploring yourself at this age, but there is also so much you can expect from people

Tweens/teens are sometimes self-centered and a little ridiculous. News at 11.

Agreed. But in all other areas of their self-centeredness (is that a word?) and ridiculousness, we don't indulge it. We tell them they are being ridiculous.

But god forbid we push back on pronouns...

I wish you much luck when your child comes home and tells you they are non-binary and want to change their pronouns and you tell them no.

I get your point. But I'm 99.9% sure they won't. For a lot of reasons

But if they ever did. I would listen. And I would chuckle and tell them "no, I'm not calling you Unicorn" if they ever requested that I do that

Unicorn is not they/them.

[Anonymous]

Just refer to them by their name, is it that mentally taxing for you to do that every now and then? You're making someone's gender identity about you. Imagine being the child/parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just use their name. Two friends have kids that have picked really weird names (like Unicorn), so we sound like idiots talking about "Unicorn", but it is what it is.

This. This is why parents shouldn't cave to the fads of gender identity.

When I was 12, I got super into skateboarding. It was my entire identity. I would have been thrilled if I could insist that every call me Thrasher, instead of my given name, and refer to me as 'the skateboarder' when referring to me in the 3rd person.

But that would have been lunacy.

Calling a kid 'Unicorn' when their name is Jill is just as crazy. And having to go back and forth between multiple names and pronouns is just as stupid.

This is out of control

+1.

One of DD's friend has shared that she's non-binary but does not like 'they.'. So instead, he has asked that we alternate between he/she & him/her. But these kids have the audacity to call us out if we accidentally use 'he' 2 times in a row, or don't use a statement like "She left his phone on the counter"

I support exploring yourself at this age, but there is also so much you can expect from people

Tweens/teens are sometimes self-centered and a little ridiculous. News at 11.

Agreed. But in all other areas of their self-centeredness (is that a word?) and ridiculousness, we don't indulge it. We tell them they are being ridiculous.

But god forbid we push back on pronouns...

Agree with you. This has all gone too far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just use their name. Two friends have kids that have picked really weird names (like Unicorn), so we sound like idiots talking about "Unicorn", but it is what it is.

This. This is why parents shouldn't cave to the fads of gender identity.

When I was 12, I got super into skateboarding. It was my entire identity. I would have been thrilled if I could insist that every call me Thrasher, instead of my given name, and refer to me as 'the skateboarder' when referring to me in the 3rd person.

But that would have been lunacy.

Calling a kid 'Unicorn' when their name is Jill is just as crazy. And having to go back and forth between multiple names and pronouns is just as stupid.

This is out of control

+1.

One of DD's friend has shared that she's non-binary but does not like 'they.'. So instead, he has asked that we alternate between he/she & him/her. But these kids have the audacity to call us out if we accidentally use 'he' 2 times in a row, or don't use a statement like "She left his phone on the counter"

I support exploring yourself at this age, but there is also so much you can expect from people

Tweens/teens are sometimes self-centered and a little ridiculous. News at 11.

Agreed. But in all other areas of their self-centeredness (is that a word?) and ridiculousness, we don't indulge it. We tell them they are being ridiculous.

But god forbid we push back on pronouns...

I wish you much luck when your child comes home and tells you they are non-binary and want to change their pronouns and you tell them no.

I get your point. But I'm 99.9% sure they won't. For a lot of reasons

But if they ever did. I would listen. And I would chuckle and tell them "no, I'm not calling you Unicorn" if they ever requested that I do that

Unicorn is not they/them.

Sure. But asking me to alternate between the male and female pronouns is just as unreasonable.

Especially when its just a fad or an attempt to get some attention.

Honestly, the irony of all of these people thinking they are AH-MAZING parents for letting this stuff slide, or indulging in the ridiculousness of it. When in reality, this is when a firm hand and guidance is needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just use their name. Two friends have kids that have picked really weird names (like Unicorn), so we sound like idiots talking about "Unicorn", but it is what it is.

This. This is why parents shouldn't cave to the fads of gender identity.

When I was 12, I got super into skateboarding. It was my entire identity. I would have been thrilled if I could insist that every call me Thrasher, instead of my given name, and refer to me as 'the skateboarder' when referring to me in the 3rd person.

But that would have been lunacy.

Calling a kid 'Unicorn' when their name is Jill is just as crazy. And having to go back and forth between multiple names and pronouns is just as stupid.

This is out of control

+1.

One of DD's friend has shared that she's non-binary but does not like 'they.'. So instead, he has asked that we alternate between he/she & him/her. But these kids have the audacity to call us out if we accidentally use 'he' 2 times in a row, or don't use a statement like "She left his phone on the counter"

I support exploring yourself at this age, but there is also so much you can expect from people

Tweens/teens are sometimes self-centered and a little ridiculous. News at 11.

Agreed. But in all other areas of their self-centeredness (is that a word?) and ridiculousness, we don't indulge it. We tell them they are being ridiculous.

But god forbid we push back on pronouns...

I wish you much luck when your child comes home and tells you they are non-binary and want to change their pronouns and you tell them no.

I get your point. But I'm 99.9% sure they won't. For a lot of reasons

But if they ever did. I would listen. And I would chuckle and tell them "no, I'm not calling you Unicorn" if they ever requested that I do that

+1. NP. I, too, would not indulge my kid in this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just use their name. Two friends have kids that have picked really weird names (like Unicorn), so we sound like idiots talking about "Unicorn", but it is what it is.

This. This is why parents shouldn't cave to the fads of gender identity.

When I was 12, I got super into skateboarding. It was my entire identity. I would have been thrilled if I could insist that every call me Thrasher, instead of my given name, and refer to me as 'the skateboarder' when referring to me in the 3rd person.

But that would have been lunacy.

Calling a kid 'Unicorn' when their name is Jill is just as crazy. And having to go back and forth between multiple names and pronouns is just as stupid.

This is out of control

+1.

One of DD's friend has shared that she's non-binary but does not like 'they.'. So instead, he has asked that we alternate between he/she & him/her. But these kids have the audacity to call us out if we accidentally use 'he' 2 times in a row, or don't use a statement like "She left his phone on the counter"

I support exploring yourself at this age, but there is also so much you can expect from people

Tweens/teens are sometimes self-centered and a little ridiculous. News at 11.

Agreed. But in all other areas of their self-centeredness (is that a word?) and ridiculousness, we don't indulge it. We tell them they are being ridiculous.

But god forbid we push back on pronouns...

I wish you much luck when your child comes home and tells you they are non-binary and want to change their pronouns and you tell them no.

I get your point. But I'm 99.9% sure they won't. For a lot of reasons

But if they ever did. I would listen. And I would chuckle and tell them "no, I'm not calling you Unicorn" if they ever requested that I do that

+1. NP. I, too, would not indulge my kid in this nonsense.

Exactly. The original PP with the 'Unicorn' story actually ended her post with 'it is what it is'.

No, its not. You don't have to call this kid Unicorn. And to be honest, you shouldn't. It's a mockery of anyone who actually is trans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just use their name. Two friends have kids that have picked really weird names (like Unicorn), so we sound like idiots talking about "Unicorn", but it is what it is.

This. This is why parents shouldn't cave to the fads of gender identity.

When I was 12, I got super into skateboarding. It was my entire identity. I would have been thrilled if I could insist that every call me Thrasher, instead of my given name, and refer to me as 'the skateboarder' when referring to me in the 3rd person.

But that would have been lunacy.

Calling a kid 'Unicorn' when their name is Jill is just as crazy. And having to go back and forth between multiple names and pronouns is just as stupid.

This is out of control

+1.

One of DD's friend has shared that she's non-binary but does not like 'they.'. So instead, he has asked that we alternate between he/she & him/her. But these kids have the audacity to call us out if we accidentally use 'he' 2 times in a row, or don't use a statement like "She left his phone on the counter"

I support exploring yourself at this age, but there is also so much you can expect from people

Tweens/teens are sometimes self-centered and a little ridiculous. News at 11.

Agreed. But in all other areas of their self-centeredness (is that a word?) and ridiculousness, we don't indulge it. We tell them they are being ridiculous.

But god forbid we push back on pronouns...

I wish you much luck when your child comes home and tells you they are non-binary and want to change their pronouns and you tell them no.

I get your point. But I'm 99.9% sure they won't. For a lot of reasons

But if they ever did. I would listen. And I would chuckle and tell them "no, I'm not calling you Unicorn" if they ever requested that I do that

Unicorn is not they/them.

Sure. But asking me to alternate between the male and female pronouns is just as unreasonable.

Especially when its just a fad or an attempt to get some attention.

Honestly, the irony of all of these people thinking they are AH-MAZING parents for letting this stuff slide, or indulging in the ridiculousness of it. When in reality, this is when a firm hand and guidance is needed

Agree 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just use their name. Two friends have kids that have picked really weird names (like Unicorn), so we sound like idiots talking about "Unicorn", but it is what it is.

This. This is why parents shouldn't cave to the fads of gender identity.

When I was 12, I got super into skateboarding. It was my entire identity. I would have been thrilled if I could insist that every call me Thrasher, instead of my given name, and refer to me as 'the skateboarder' when referring to me in the 3rd person.

But that would have been lunacy.

Calling a kid 'Unicorn' when their name is Jill is just as crazy. And having to go back and forth between multiple names and pronouns is just as stupid.

This is out of control

+1.

One of DD's friend has shared that she's non-binary but does not like 'they.'. So instead, he has asked that we alternate between he/she & him/her. But these kids have the audacity to call us out if we accidentally use 'he' 2 times in a row, or don't use a statement like "She left his phone on the counter"

I support exploring yourself at this age, but there is also so much you can expect from people

Tweens/teens are sometimes self-centered and a little ridiculous. News at 11.

Agreed. But in all other areas of their self-centeredness (is that a word?) and ridiculousness, we don't indulge it. We tell them they are being ridiculous.

But god forbid we push back on pronouns...

I wish you much luck when your child comes home and tells you they are non-binary and want to change their pronouns and you tell them no.

I get your point. But I'm 99.9% sure they won't. For a lot of reasons

But if they ever did. I would listen. And I would chuckle and tell them "no, I'm not calling you Unicorn" if they ever requested that I do that

Unicorn is not they/them.

Sure. But asking me to alternate between the male and female pronouns is just as unreasonable.

Especially when its just a fad or an attempt to get some attention.

Honestly, the irony of all of these people thinking they are AH-MAZING parents for letting this stuff slide, or indulging in the ridiculousness of it. When in reality, this is when a firm hand and guidance is needed

Agree 100%

I'm so confused by what you think is okay. They/them? one pronoun change? But not a name change? Being trans is okay but not non-binary? I don't understand your issue.

[Anonymous]

Kids these days need so much attention. I just can’t. Maybe it’s because I’m gen X but honestly it’s too much. I understand and obviously support gay, straight, transgender. But really, non binary and gender fluid? I’m not feeding into that and I’m not sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have encounter this a lot as well. We are completely on board with what our kids friends identify as. The 2 scenarios we have witnessed are
1. The other parents were not aware we knew, so just used the give pronouns from birth.
2. The other parents were not quite fully on board. In this situation we just refer to the friend by their name. No he/she/they.

This came up briefly upthread, but there’s also:

3. Child prefers a different name and pronoun outside the home but does not want to change at home, for whatever reason. Sometimes it feels like a bigger leap to leave behind what you’ve always been called at home. We’re in that situation, even though both parents are completely supportive and all close friends and some extended family use the other name and pronouns. Very confusing for everyone, but that’s what works for our child.

Well, 3 is usually a big clue that this is entirely performative and not sincere. I mean, it's sincere in the sense that at this age they try on identities, but the kid isn't really trans and isn't going to transition or something. Best thing for parents in this situation is to just ignore. Be nominally supportive and say the right things but don't freak out because this too will pass, just like that time they wanted a turtle when they were 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll say that as the parent of an 11-year-old “they” I am supportive in theory but all over the place in terms of actual practice. This kid also goes by different names with different sets of friends and I sometimes have trouble remembering which name to use with who and I often forget and say “she.” I try but sometimes I’m more intent on getting it right than other times when I just fall back on the old familiar language.

And really, the do have to learn to deal with this gracefully. People aren't perfect, and they are going to get it wrong a lot. They have to be able to judge the difference between mistakes and hate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll say that as the parent of an 11-year-old “they” I am supportive in theory but all over the place in terms of actual practice. This kid also goes by different names with different sets of friends and I sometimes have trouble remembering which name to use with who and I often forget and say “she.” I try but sometimes I’m more intent on getting it right than other times when I just fall back on the old familiar language.

And really, the do have to learn to deal with this gracefully. People aren't perfect, and they are going to get it wrong a lot. They have to be able to judge the difference between mistakes and hate.

It's not a mistake and it's certainly not "hate." It's a deliberate step to bring these sweet young things back to reality. They are not the center of the planet, despite what they think they "discover" about themselves.