Talking to parents of non-binary kids

[Anonymous]

Lots of discussion about teens and gender lately, here’s a situation I have encountered numerous times so assume others have as well and curious what you do. My 19 yo dd has a number of friends and acquaintances who have indicated publicly that their preferred pronoun is “they.” Great, I’m totally on board and do my best to remember. But I’ve noticed in every single case when I bump into their parents and we’re doing the quick check in on life/kids the parents continue to use “she.” We live in a pretty progressive area, these are all parents who seem pretty thoughtful and open-minded. My workaround is just to always refer to their kid by first name since it feels strange to essentially contradict a parent on their kids’ identity. But avoiding pronouns gets clunky too. How do/would you handle?

[Anonymous]

Same here, OP, in at least one situation I can think of recently. I took it as a cue that the parents are not on board with this at all, and went right along with the "she" and female name reference.

[Anonymous]

I would use the kid’s preferred pronoun.

[Anonymous]

I’d use what I know to be the preferred pronoun. I know a teen whose misgendered him even after his death by suicide. Parents are not always supportive. You can be.

[Anonymous]

I use what they look like...he or she.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I use what they look like...he or she.

[Anonymous]

Follow the parents lead or try to use first names. It’s possible that they are saying it out of habit. It’s easy to slip when you have been saying she for 19 years and referring to your own kid. Don’t assume anything.

[Anonymous]

The parents mat not know. Don't use the preferred pronoun without permission. Teachers are constantly dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Might*

[Anonymous]

I would follow lead of parents if their teens not around but use the preferred pronouns when the non binary teens are present.

[Anonymous]

I’ll say that as the parent of an 11-year-old “they” I am supportive in theory but all over the place in terms of actual practice. This kid also goes by different names with different sets of friends and I sometimes have trouble remembering which name to use with who and I often forget and say “she.” I try but sometimes I’m more intent on getting it right than other times when I just fall back on the old familiar language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents mat not know. Don't use the preferred pronoun without permission. Teachers are constantly dealing with this.

Yeah they are tricky issues like this that these tweens haven’t thought through. I would ask if the kid is out to their parents and if not, avoid pronoun usage as much as possible.

But seriously I don’t worry about it much. Cranky tweens will be cranky and we are all going to make mistakes.

[Anonymous]

As a teacher, we are told to follow the parents lead as a way to respect the privacy of the child. To clarify, when speaking directly to the child we use their preferred pronouns. That is what I do.

[Anonymous]

The good news is "they" is a rather innocuous pronoun and people would talk that way without all the recent fuss by kids seeking attention.

[Anonymous]

I'd use their actual name because that's a lot less clunky than outing someone to a parent, or offending a trans kid.