WWYD to visit ILs overseas?

[Anonymous]

Why not fly into the country a few days earlier to do the big city stuff don't tell his family this, and then have time with the family.?

[Anonymous]

Can you explain why you keep separate accounts and split travel bills? That has nothing to do with visiting family, but everything to do with your relationship. Let's tackle that first.

Next: every couple I know with one person from abroad and other person American sends the foreign partner and kids to visit the relatives in the old country, and the American partner joins them on the front end or backend (at least that's what American husbands do so they can scoot back home to work; the SAHM partners seemingly tag along for the entire trip).

Let's remove the international piece for the sake of conversation. If you married a guy with family in CA, you'd still be on the hook to visit his family periodically. That's just what you do when you have family: you travel to visit them.

It sounds like your guy lost both his parents, correct? That's sad. And, he's not American, correct? Imagine living abroad and desperately wanting to maintain your cultural identity. Traveling home to visit extended family is essentially the most tangible way to do it. It's important, so it makes sense that it is a priority.

If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that I will meet him there/or stay for a portion before heading home or sightseeing. I would also explore the bigger issue of nickel and diming each other. Most couples don't do this. And, most men prefer to pick up the check.

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming you aren't married?

Is part of this that he hasn't asked you to marry him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm assuming you aren't married?

Is part of this that he hasn't asked you to marry him?

Why would any woman marry a man who insisted she pay her own way? Will he do his own laundry, cook his own food, and clean up his own bathroom? Who is responsible for the bedding--or do you have separate bedrooms?

This is just so weird.

[Anonymous]

Been there OP. It’s a resource issue on two levels— the money which is what you’re using as a proxy (I think) but then the opportunity cost of doing this one trip at the expense of all other vacations since you use your leave and travel budget exclusively on this.

What worked for us was a candid conversation together about my frustration ending in the agreement that airplanes worked just as well in both directions. Then we agreed on how much time with his family that we year, and half that time we flew to them, half that time we invited them on a trip of our choosing. Sometimes they accepted sometimes they declined but I enjoyed my visits to them much more when I didn’t feel like it was a forced in-law tax.

[Anonymous]

I've grown resentful of his family's lack of effort to visit here. He is not happy about it either. After so many years and literally months of vacation time and thousands of dollars to stay connected with them, they don't reciprocate with us. I guess I've gotten to the point where I'm thinking ... if they value their relationship with us, why aren't they willing to demonstrate it like we do and spend their time and money to come here?

One of the last times we visited them, we agreed in advance that we would spend a couple of nights on our own in the Big City at a hotel. It never materialized because once we got there we found out the family had planned activities on certain days so our plans went out the window.

So next tactic, next time: We planned to go into the city by train for day trips. One of his siblings wanted to come along. As we literally walked in the front door of a famous museum I had been dying to visit, she twisted her ankle and wanted to go home so we turned around, went right back to train station and left. I never got past the front entrance.

It's sad to me that when I tell people I've been to this country XX number of times and yet I still haven't seen some of the things they have during their one-week vacation.

Honestly, I think this is a pretty easy fix with a few conversations because he knows this pattern isn't fair to you and he's already acknowledged that. I would stick to your guns in a nice way. If another trip is in the works I'd just straight up tell him you want X number of days in Big City. Plan those days before you go to travel to see his family. They can understand or not. You have to make this a priority and not something you are going to try to do.

If you want to see more of the country or Big City in the future then you are just going to have be really honest and open, even about the language barrier and how it tires you out. It's up to him whether he wants to be honest with his family about how he feels about them not visiting, but it's also completely fair for you to be honest about your vacation time and budget. Married couples do this all the time. Even though it was "disapproved" of I have gone to my in-laws a day or so late for visits because I don't have as much PTO as my spouse has and burning a day in the car when we are just going up there to hang out doesn't make a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

"He wants ... " Op, whatever it is you want, you inform him re: what you will be doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm assuming you aren't married?

Is part of this that he hasn't asked you to marry him?

Why would any woman marry a man who insisted she pay her own way? Will he do his own laundry, cook his own food, and clean up his own bathroom? Who is responsible for the bedding--or do you have separate bedrooms?

This is just so weird.

It's weird that you assume the woman would be doing any of this.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he wants you to act like a wife, in terms of time and effort for visiting, but also pay for things 50/50 like a girlfriend. Don't be his wife if he's not being your husband.

[Anonymous]

Next time marry or partner with someone from an amazing city not a small town or village. And Europeans are not interested in general in coming to U.S. only if it’s Miami, Disneyland or NYC. You can try to move there they might come to visit you then.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you can't talk to him about it. Just say: that sounds great. I am flying to Paris on Friday and you can get me from the train station Sunday evening. Or you can join me! I already booked a hotel. Want to come?

You need to stop the bean counting BTW. That is just so childish.

[Anonymous]

If you strategically arranged your work schedule to have a conflict so that you can't go, what do you think he would do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm assuming you aren't married?

Is part of this that he hasn't asked you to marry him?

Why would any woman marry a man who insisted she pay her own way? Will he do his own laundry, cook his own food, and clean up his own bathroom? Who is responsible for the bedding--or do you have separate bedrooms?

This is just so weird.

It's weird that you assume the woman would be doing any of this.

It isn’t to me. I am friends with quite a few European couples who live in Europe

For every couple, the woman is still doing the majority of the housework and of course the mental load. It doesn’t seem materially different from my couple friends here, including in flyover cities.

But what IS different is how they manage their finances. Every single couple has separate finances. Personally it seems like a rotten deal to be completely on your own financially AND have to do most of the housework/ running the household.

The other difference is that the women seem 100% expected to return to work after maternity leave. The maternity leaves are generous and from the government, but of course they have to provide maternity leave if most women are on their own financially.

My point is that so many people, especially on this board, seem to look up to European lifestyles and cultures and I’m not so sure it’s in general that much better for women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he wants you to act like a wife, in terms of time and effort for visiting, but also pay for things 50/50 like a girlfriend. Don't be his wife if he's not being your husband.

This. I’d find a man who actually wants to take care of you and devote his life to you. Not someone looking for a roommate to split travel costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm assuming you aren't married?

Is part of this that he hasn't asked you to marry him?

Why would any woman marry a man who insisted she pay her own way? Will he do his own laundry, cook his own food, and clean up his own bathroom? Who is responsible for the bedding--or do you have separate bedrooms?

This is just so weird.

It's weird that you assume the woman would be doing any of this.

I’m asking, not assuming.

I think it’s so weird for committed couples to nickel and dime each other, but I know some married couples do this. I’m asking if they similarly split household duties. My guess is they don’t.