WWYD to visit ILs overseas?

[Anonymous]

I don’t get why he wants you around the whole time. My DH and I are both from different countries, now settled in the US. We usually plan a 4-week visit to each country alternating years. I will go ahead to visit my family, then we overlap for a week to visit and we usually spend at least a week traveling around either on our own or with whoever wants to accompany us. And vice versa when visiting his family. There is no expectation that we will be glued together for the entire trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why he wants you around the whole time. My DH and I are both from different countries, now settled in the US. We usually plan a 4-week visit to each country alternating years. I will go ahead to visit my family, then we overlap for a week to visit and we usually spend at least a week traveling around either on our own or with whoever wants to accompany us. And vice versa when visiting his family. There is no expectation that we will be glued together for the entire trip.

OP suspects it might be to share the travel costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you strategically arranged your work schedule to have a conflict so that you can't go, what do you think he would do?

I hope OP doesn't do this. It's a sneaky thing to do. Dishonest. OP and the partner need to start talking about the bigger picture here, which includes his whining when she doesn't want to spend every day, all day with his family, and her resentment and belief he sees her as a way to defray his costs. Their relationship does not actually sound all that genuinely close if she cannot manage to tell him she wants to vacation on her vacation and if he doesn't want some alone time with her in this great European city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you strategically arranged your work schedule to have a conflict so that you can't go, what do you think he would do?

I hope OP doesn't do this. It's a sneaky thing to do. Dishonest. OP and the partner need to start talking about the bigger picture here, which includes his whining when she doesn't want to spend every day, all day with his family, and her resentment and belief he sees her as a way to defray his costs. Their relationship does not actually sound all that genuinely close if she cannot manage to tell him she wants to vacation on her vacation and if he doesn't want some alone time with her in this great European city.

I'm not saying to actually do it, but it would be interesting to know how he would react. OP I think if you can break the ice by not going one time, then it will set a new pattern and be easier thereafter.

[Anonymous]

Team OP here. There is no reason she needs to spend all her vacation time and budget with his family. If you don’t go for the whole time, OP, could he stay with one of his siblings t save on expenses? I don’t really underhand why so many men won’t go see family on their own. Some kind of weird co-dependence. He’s being ridiculous and not very kind to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you strategically arranged your work schedule to have a conflict so that you can't go, what do you think he would do?

I hope OP doesn't do this. It's a sneaky thing to do. Dishonest. OP and the partner need to start talking about the bigger picture here, which includes his whining when she doesn't want to spend every day, all day with his family, and her resentment and belief he sees her as a way to defray his costs. Their relationship does not actually sound all that genuinely close if she cannot manage to tell him she wants to vacation on her vacation and if he doesn't want some alone time with her in this great European city.

I'm not saying to actually do it, but it would be interesting to know how he would react. OP I think if you can break the ice by not going one time, then it will set a new pattern and be easier thereafter.

OP, the bold is a good point, think about that. He is so used to your coming along, sticking around with the family the entire time, and also paying half the cost. Sounds like you need either to (1) go but make your own solo plans for a few days in the city alone (and you don't defray HIS hotel costs on those nights!) and the actually GO to the city, or (2) tell him flat out that you this year you're not up for this trip with him but wish him well and hope he has a great time. I would not try faking up some work excuse, though. Just say it: I don't want to go this year but you go.

It's pretty telling, though, that you haven't yet done either of those things in all these years. Is there a reason why you have been reluctant simply to say, I am going to come on the trip, enjoy days X through Z with the family, then spend these dates at a great place I found in the city, doing solo sightseeing?

You do mention that he gets upset if you talk about not spending every moment with family and that to me sounds manipulative of him. He may not realize that's what he's doing and might be lovely otherwise, but it does sound like he guilts you and whines if you try to do your own thing or suggest you and he do anything without the family. That's not good. It means he doesn't listen to you.

Have you talked with him yet about whether he is mostly seeing you as defraying his costs? You assume that (in your initial post) but what does he actually say if you put that to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why he wants you around the whole time. My DH and I are both from different countries, now settled in the US. We usually plan a 4-week visit to each country alternating years. I will go ahead to visit my family, then we overlap for a week to visit and we usually spend at least a week traveling around either on our own or with whoever wants to accompany us. And vice versa when visiting his family. There is no expectation that we will be glued together for the entire trip.

+1 There is a rigidity there and lack of consideration of your needs. And the fact that it happens year after year...You just need to be very clear in your communication. Him getting upset does NOT shut down the conversation. And I agree with PP that believing he just wants you there to pay half the tab is a toxic thought that needs to be aired out. If you truly believe that might be true then your relationship has deeper issues. Ask him if he’s concerned he can’t afford the trip without you splitting the bill.

What you are asking to do is not unreasonable. Stick to your guns.