WWYD to visit ILs overseas?

[Anonymous]

My partner and I have been together for many years. We do a lot of travelling and split expenses 50/50. It has overall worked well for us. We both earn approximately the same amount of money.

We go to visit his family overseas and when we do we split expenses like we do our other vacations. In the past we stayed with his parents (who were very welcoming) but once they died we no longer had their home to stay in. Now when we go visit his sibling/extended family we stay in a hotel. They live in a small town and that's where we spend the majority of the time, visiting with people at their homes. We all get along pretty well despite some language challenges and generally have a good time together.

Staying in their small town over and over again is beginning to be a challenge for me. They live less than an hour away from one of Europe's most stunning cities yet over all the years, I've only spent a couple of hours there because we are always spending our time "visiting" with all his family in the small town.

His family rarely visit us here in the US although they can easily afford it. We tell them often they are welcome and would love to have them visit. They frequently take long vacations elsewhere around the world, typically a couple of times per year. Like most Europeans they get quite a bit of vacation time.

My partner is beginning to plan another trip "home" to visit his family. Once again he wants me to go along with him, stay in a hotel in the small town and of course, split the costs equally. I confess I am beginning to become resentful of this arrangement as I'm paying half the costs (using my overall vacation budget/time) to stay in a place I really don't want to go to. I have asked my partner why can't he go ahead of me, spend a week or so with his family alone, then I can fly over later to join him the last couple of days (so I can see his family, too) before we go off and spend some time elsewhere seeing the sights. He gets upset and says he wants me there the whole time.

This is frustrating to me since we seem to expend all the energy on keeping his family connections. I understand that he needs to see them and am very supportive but I don't know why I have to be there the whole time, using up my money and vacation. I am coming to the realization it's probably because he appreciates me picking up half the tab more than anything else.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Stop accompanying him or fly with him and do your own sightseeing, maybe dropping in for a night.

You can explain it like this — I’ve been very happy to invest in helping to strengthen your family connections. However there are other places I dream of visiting, and since we are each paying for our own travel I would like to spend my time and budget on some of the places I want to see. I would really like if you would come with me but I understand that’s not your priority. And it sounds like maybe you would like me to come with you, but you know it is your priority not mine. Maybe we can compromise? Use a certain amount of our budget doing whatever travel is our own priority — you see your family, I’ll see my places — and some traveling together to a place we both want to go?

If he wants you to go bad enough he can offer to pay.

[Anonymous]

First of all, it’s weird to me when couples are married with separate finances. Do you have kids? This gets very complicated if you ever decide to have a family.

Second, you can stand up for yourself. You both should have a say in how you spend your vacation. I think it’s a great compromise to spend a week in the nearby touristy city and you only spend the weekend with his family. If finances are truly separate, I would only go on this trip if he paid for ALL of it.

[Anonymous]

It is totally weird to me that you think he only wants you there for the expenses. My husband would want me there also, and it would be because he believes in togetherness and family — not money. I don’t understand why you haven’t managed to convince him to tie this trip in with more time in the nearby city that would be awesome. This whole scenario seems so odd.

[Anonymous]

If the money is the real issue, then tell him you'll go if he pays.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you two are in a relationship. Too much bean counting. Good thing you two are not married.

[Anonymous]

Easy. Tell him you really want to visit major city X nearby, so you'll plan a 3-day trip there and you'd love him to join. Even if he doesn't, his relatives surely understand why a visitor to their town would be likely to want to spend a few days in that other city that's a huge tourist magnet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My partner and I have been together for many years. We do a lot of travelling and split expenses 50/50. It has overall worked well for us. We both earn approximately the same amount of money.

We go to visit his family overseas and when we do we split expenses like we do our other vacations. In the past we stayed with his parents (who were very welcoming) but once they died we no longer had their home to stay in. Now when we go visit his sibling/extended family we stay in a hotel. They live in a small town and that's where we spend the majority of the time, visiting with people at their homes. We all get along pretty well despite some language challenges and generally have a good time together.

Staying in their small town over and over again is beginning to be a challenge for me. They live less than an hour away from one of Europe's most stunning cities yet over all the years, I've only spent a couple of hours there because we are always spending our time "visiting" with all his family in the small town

His family rarely visit us here in the US although they can easily afford it. We tell them often they are welcome and would love to have them visit. They frequently take long vacations elsewhere around the world, typically a couple of times per year. Like most Europeans they get quite a bit of vacation time.

My partner is beginning to plan another trip "home" to visit his family. Once again he wants me to go along with him, stay in a hotel in the small town and of course, split the costs equally. I confess I am beginning to become resentful of this arrangement as I'm paying half the costs (using my overall vacation budget/time) to stay in a place I really don't want to go to. I have asked my partner why can't he go ahead of me, spend a week or so with his family alone, then I can fly over later to join him the last couple of days (so I can see his family, too) before we go off and spend some time elsewhere seeing the sights. He gets upset and says he wants me there the whole time.

This is frustrating to me since we seem to expend all the energy on keeping his family connections. I understand that he needs to see them and am very supportive but I don't know why I have to be there the whole time, using up my money and vacation. I am coming to the realization it's probably because he appreciates me picking up half the tab more than anything else.

WWYD?

OP, I am coming at this from this background: Married to a DH from another country for 30 years. We visit there every year (except for 2020 and 2021, no need to guess why). So you know, we don't have separate accounts etc. and we don't each foot our own bills like you and your partner do.

Your LAST sentence is the one that really leaps out here. You buried the lead and the real problem. "I am coming to the realization it's probably because he appreciates me picking up half the tab more than anything else."

"Probably" means you're making an assumption here. Please sit down with him and say that out loud to him. It is a very toxic thought to carry around -- what you are saying at its core is: "My partner doesn't truly want my company, doesn't have an interest in my continuing to bond with his family because he loves me and loves them; my partner just wants me to defray HIS costs. I'm a bank, basically." Can you see how that's the gist here? Another PP mentioned "bean-counting" and that does sound like what you feel. But do you know if your partner feels that way? Have you told him what you have told us here? How has he reacted, if you've tried to discuss this?

I get your frustration with being an hour from a major city and never going to visit it. I really do. I have had a few days on vacations to the family where I've thought, can we get an outing soon? But my DH and I actively plan for days on each trip where it's just the two of us (or the two of us plus young adult DC if DC is with us), doing "our family" things like visiting the big city nearby, or taking several days in the major city we fly in and out of. Have you, over all these years, told your partner in so many words, "I would like us to plan some days where you and I have alone time and go into [City] for the day. If we plan it right we can stay in City overnight on the way in and out of the area where your family lives. I would like to see Museum X, Museum Y and Historic Site Z and we have never done that. I think we can have our own time being tourists while also spending plenty of time with your family."

You have to make actual, booked plans together. Or just go alone for a few days to the city and get a great B&B or hotel just for you on those nights.

If you have already tried this, did he resist? Why did you cave if he resisted? Does he feel he must spend every waking second with the family except when you're sleeping in your hotel room? I understand the impulse that he's visiting to see them. I also understand if he feels "I grew up here and saw all that tourist stuff/culture stuff all my life, I'm done." But an understanding partner would recognize that things change in Big City and there might be more new things to see and do that would attract you, if not him.

I do need to add, though, that I'm not sure you look on his family as your own family. Let's say up front: It is fine if you don't! Only you and he know the nature of your relationship with each other and with his family. But if you don't feel they're your family too, then he should go visit on his own, and you can occasionally visit as you please and work in side trips solo to the city or wherever.

But none of this deals with the much bigger issue that you and he seem not to live very merged lives. Not just financially -- emotionally. If you feel he's just using you to defray his costs, that is not a good sign. But do you know that based on an actual talk with him, or are you assuming it?

[Anonymous]

Go and do your own sightseeing in the big city while you’re there. Are you a gay couple? Not married? The way you worded your problem sounds like you’re trying to conceal relationship details.

[Anonymous]

I realize he wants you to come with him, but if you completely opt out, would this be a deal breaker? I have been married a long time and if my DH really wants to do something that I am uninterested in, I suggest he go himself.

[Anonymous]

His expectation is unreasonable, but you already know this. If this is the only aspect of your relationship that is unfair, and he gives to you in other ways, I can understand why you don't want to rock the boat, but I think you need to talk to him about it. If he is not mature enough to have an adult discussion and see your point of view (and he is welcome to also present his point of view about ways in which he supports you), then he is not mature enough to be in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My partner and I have been together for many years. We do a lot of travelling and split expenses 50/50. It has overall worked well for us. We both earn approximately the same amount of money.

We go to visit his family overseas and when we do we split expenses like we do our other vacations. In the past we stayed with his parents (who were very welcoming) but once they died we no longer had their home to stay in. Now when we go visit his sibling/extended family we stay in a hotel. They live in a small town and that's where we spend the majority of the time, visiting with people at their homes. We all get along pretty well despite some language challenges and generally have a good time together.

Staying in their small town over and over again is beginning to be a challenge for me. They live less than an hour away from one of Europe's most stunning cities yet over all the years, I've only spent a couple of hours there because we are always spending our time "visiting" with all his family in the small town

His family rarely visit us here in the US although they can easily afford it. We tell them often they are welcome and would love to have them visit. They frequently take long vacations elsewhere around the world, typically a couple of times per year. Like most Europeans they get quite a bit of vacation time.

My partner is beginning to plan another trip "home" to visit his family. Once again he wants me to go along with him, stay in a hotel in the small town and of course, split the costs equally. I confess I am beginning to become resentful of this arrangement as I'm paying half the costs (using my overall vacation budget/time) to stay in a place I really don't want to go to. I have asked my partner why can't he go ahead of me, spend a week or so with his family alone, then I can fly over later to join him the last couple of days (so I can see his family, too) before we go off and spend some time elsewhere seeing the sights. He gets upset and says he wants me there the whole time.

This is frustrating to me since we seem to expend all the energy on keeping his family connections. I understand that he needs to see them and am very supportive but I don't know why I have to be there the whole time, using up my money and vacation. I am coming to the realization it's probably because he appreciates me picking up half the tab more than anything else.

WWYD?

OP, I am coming at this from this background: Married to a DH from another country for 30 years. We visit there every year (except for 2020 and 2021, no need to guess why). So you know, we don't have separate accounts etc. and we don't each foot our own bills like you and your partner do.

Your LAST sentence is the one that really leaps out here. You buried the lead and the real problem. "I am coming to the realization it's probably because he appreciates me picking up half the tab more than anything else."

"Probably" means you're making an assumption here. Please sit down with him and say that out loud to him. It is a very toxic thought to carry around -- what you are saying at its core is: "My partner doesn't truly want my company, doesn't have an interest in my continuing to bond with his family because he loves me and loves them; my partner just wants me to defray HIS costs. I'm a bank, basically." Can you see how that's the gist here? Another PP mentioned "bean-counting" and that does sound like what you feel. But do you know if your partner feels that way? Have you told him what you have told us here? How has he reacted, if you've tried to discuss this?

I get your frustration with being an hour from a major city and never going to visit it. I really do. I have had a few days on vacations to the family where I've thought, can we get an outing soon? But my DH and I actively plan for days on each trip where it's just the two of us (or the two of us plus young adult DC if DC is with us), doing "our family" things like visiting the big city nearby, or taking several days in the major city we fly in and out of. Have you, over all these years, told your partner in so many words, "I would like us to plan some days where you and I have alone time and go into [City] for the day. If we plan it right we can stay in City overnight on the way in and out of the area where your family lives. I would like to see Museum X, Museum Y and Historic Site Z and we have never done that. I think we can have our own time being tourists while also spending plenty of time with your family."

You have to make actual, booked plans together. Or just go alone for a few days to the city and get a great B&B or hotel just for you on those nights.

If you have already tried this, did he resist? Why did you cave if he resisted? Does he feel he must spend every waking second with the family except when you're sleeping in your hotel room? I understand the impulse that he's visiting to see them. I also understand if he feels "I grew up here and saw all that tourist stuff/culture stuff all my life, I'm done." But an understanding partner would recognize that things change in Big City and there might be more new things to see and do that would attract you, if not him.

I do need to add, though, that I'm not sure you look on his family as your own family. Let's say up front: It is fine if you don't! Only you and he know the nature of your relationship with each other and with his family. But if you don't feel they're your family too, then he should go visit on his own, and you can occasionally visit as you please and work in side trips solo to the city or wherever.

But none of this deals with the much bigger issue that you and he seem not to live very merged lives. Not just financially -- emotionally. If you feel he's just using you to defray his costs, that is not a good sign. But do you know that based on an actual talk with him, or are you assuming it?

OP here. I truly appreciate your insightful comments as someone in a similar situation. Appreciate the suggestions from others, too.

You do bring up valid points. On his part, I think he approaches this like any other vacation we take together which is to just split the costs. I do need to "stand up" and speak out about this and not let it fester anymore.

I think the resentment stems from several areas not only the money. Perhaps I'm using money as the "scapegoat" here when it's also about the people involved. It's probably easier for me to use that as a blind to the real issue, which means confronting/tackling some thorny family dynamics.

I've grown resentful of his family's lack of effort to visit here. He is not happy about it either. After so many years and literally months of vacation time and thousands of dollars to stay connected with them, they don't reciprocate with us. I guess I've gotten to the point where I'm thinking ... if they value their relationship with us, why aren't they willing to demonstrate it like we do and spend their time and money to come here?

One of the last times we visited them, we agreed in advance that we would spend a couple of nights on our own in the Big City at a hotel. It never materialized because once we got there we found out the family had planned activities on certain days so our plans went out the window.

So next tactic, next time: We planned to go into the city by train for day trips. One of his siblings wanted to come along. As we literally walked in the front door of a famous museum I had been dying to visit, she twisted her ankle and wanted to go home so we turned around, went right back to train station and left. I never got past the front entrance.

It's sad to me that when I tell people I've been to this country XX number of times and yet I still haven't seen some of the things they have during their one-week vacation.

[Anonymous]

I am from another country and we often have DH come along for a week, during which we do some touristy things, and then I stay longer to have time with family. It’s much easier for me when he is not around and I can speak my language without having to translate etc.

[Anonymous]

Are you married? THe most bizarre thing to me is the you pay/i pay.

I'm from another country as well, so the rest of it is understandable. But I don't get the nickel-and-diming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from another country and we often have DH come along for a week, during which we do some touristy things, and then I stay longer to have time with family. It’s much easier for me when he is not around and I can speak my language without having to translate etc.

OP here. This is EXACTLY another thing I mentioned - that the language challenges can be an issue and after awhile, we are all mentally exhausted. I want him to communicate with his family freely, in their own language!