Should I have a second kid at 38 (DH 52), or are we just too old?

[Anonymous]

I had our youngest at 40, she's now 13. I've always been an older mom, but I was the child myself of older parents (my parents were near 50 when I was born!). So it feels normal to me, I guess.

What I like about being an older mom of a teen is that age has given me a good feel for what really matters vs. what is just noise (95% of what moms complain about is just noise, IMO). I pick my battles wisely, and keep them to only the most important issues facing my kid. Also, other moms of young teens are typically 10+ years younger. I don't dislike them and I smile and say hi, but I don't seek out their company. As a 50-something, I am in a different phase of life -- past the mid-life crisis stage, settled, peaceful, and not looking for problems with people. It's a generational thing. I don't want drama, I'm just happy.

[Anonymous]

As a 64 year old who just helped my DC move into a college dorm, I am feeling like I am barely able to keep up with having her at home.

I know everyone is different, but parenting takes a lot of energy and you should not underestimate what the next 20 years will do to your husband (assuming you do not get divorced...which is also not out of the realm of possibility--no offense).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The problems are all of the above. It's DH, his adult children, our ages, and the fact that I was 100% unrealistic about stepfamilies when I married in. Why would any realistic, attractive, professionally successful woman in her thirties who had other options marry a man who is 14 years older and already has an entire family including children and a difficult ex wife? That is a choice someone who is unrealistically in love makes. You're right, we're probably heading toward divorce, and I'm probably thinking about a second child because I know it shouldn't happen for us and that makes me sad.

Sorry. I must say that I am always surprised when women marry an older, successful man who can afford to "give" them a cushy lifestyle...but then complain that he works a lot and is not around the care for the children.

Duh.

If you wanted an engaged, doting dad..marry some guy who is a teacher. But then you have to be willing to give up the fancy vacations, night nanny, etc. It might make you super happy though, to go hiking with him in the summers and have fun with your kids in the yard on the weekends. Perhaps you did not know what mattered most?

[Anonymous]

OMG I dated an older man who ended up being 14 years older than me (initially he led me to believe he was only 4 years older) with a kid entering college and for various reasons decided it was better to be a single mom than have a baby with him. (Also not keen on taking care of him after his prostate surgery or his ailing mother…). Your post makes me even more certain that was the right decision.

If you want a second child I would go for it. Especially if you think your resources would be adequate in the event of divorce. I would not add loss of the the potential second child to the list of resentments you have towards your husband (which would not be quite fair anyways since he is willing)

I’m a lot older than you and just had my first but am thinking about a second (it’s a resource issue for me.) I was an only child and always wanted a sibling. And I have always dreamed of having 2 children. (I also think my relationship with my child(ren) would be healthier with two.) I realize that it’s a totally different situation but this is a place where I would not compromise what I have always envisioned just because the marriage isn’t perfect if I otherwise had the resources to be a single mom of two. (Because of the marital difficulties have to be prepared for that outcome.)

[Anonymous]

Yes!

[Anonymous]

Go for it.

[Anonymous]

I am 26 years older than my sister and just now really interested in her until she was 12 or 13. I loved her, but I didn’t want to hang out with her other than special occasions. If I lived across country and rarely saw our dad, it would have been hard to share him during those visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 38. DH is 52. We have 2-year-old, plus DH has adult kids that have almost no relationship with our 2-year-old, so the 2-year-old is effectively an only child in our household. We can afford to have another kid and we already have a full-time nanny, and if we do try for no. 2 we can afford to hire a night nanny as well. We both work and have good incomes and savings. My primary motivation for trying to have another child would be to give our 2-year-old a sibling. My primary reasons for not trying to have another one is (i) our ages and (ii) marital stresses that arise from time to time over his adult kids (every time I think I want to try for another kid, something related to step life triggers me and I feel unhappy and pullback). I say “I” because DH has told me he wants another kid if I do. DH is healthy and active. He's also a great, doting dad whenever he's around, but he travels for work and to see his adult kids, so there are times when I feel lonely, but maybe that is something I should deal with in therapy and just try for no. 2 before it's too late?

OP. Here's the truth or truths, unrelated to each other.

Your husband's relationship with his adult children is his own. You cannot mediate it. Be grateful they live across the country and not under your feet. Let it be. Mess with it, and it will be at your peril. You are not a party to this bond, and it will not be affected by you except to your peril.

Your husband's young adult children have no interest in your child and can't "work on having a relationship" with him/her. No young adult is interested in a 2-year old or lets that 2-year old be a factor in their decision. That's quite normal. Let it be. It is simply not a factor that enters their thinking.

Having/not having another child decisions are for you. Women have children mostly for themselves. Have another child if you want, don't have it if you don't want it. Husbands are temporary, children are forever. Children belong to women in ways they don't to men. If you were to divorce, it's better for your children to have the same father vs. a divorced you trying to meet someone new and have a child with him.

You are not too old but you're working against time, not with it. I had my children at 37, 41 and 45. Is it too late? yes. But my choices were not 41 vs time machine, it was baby at 41 vs no baby. I went for baby at 41. Is your husband too old? Probably. But again - you are having children for you, so figure out if you can count on yourself. Women have children in refugee camps so I am quite confident a 38-year old in DC with a nice career and a night nanny will manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 38. DH is 52. We have 2-year-old, plus DH has adult kids that have almost no relationship with our 2-year-old, so the 2-year-old is effectively an only child in our household. We can afford to have another kid and we already have a full-time nanny, and if we do try for no. 2 we can afford to hire a night nanny as well. We both work and have good incomes and savings. My primary motivation for trying to have another child would be to give our 2-year-old a sibling. My primary reasons for not trying to have another one is (i) our ages and (ii) marital stresses that arise from time to time over his adult kids (every time I think I want to try for another kid, something related to step life triggers me and I feel unhappy and pullback). I say “I” because DH has told me he wants another kid if I do. DH is healthy and active. He's also a great, doting dad whenever he's around, but he travels for work and to see his adult kids, so there are times when I feel lonely, but maybe that is something I should deal with in therapy and just try for no. 2 before it's too late?

OP. Here's the truth or truths, unrelated to each other.

Your husband's relationship with his adult children is his own. You cannot mediate it. Be grateful they live across the country and not under your feet. Let it be. Mess with it, and it will be at your peril. You are not a party to this bond, and it will not be affected by you except to your peril.

Your husband's young adult children have no interest in your child and can't "work on having a relationship" with him/her. No young adult is interested in a 2-year old or lets that 2-year old be a factor in their decision. That's quite normal. Let it be. It is simply not a factor that enters their thinking.

Having/not having another child decisions are for you. Women have children mostly for themselves. Have another child if you want, don't have it if you don't want it. Husbands are temporary, children are forever. Children belong to women in ways they don't to men. If you were to divorce, it's better for your children to have the same father vs. a divorced you trying to meet someone new and have a child with him.

You are not too old but you're working against time, not with it. I had my children at 37, 41 and 45. Is it too late? yes. But my choices were not 41 vs time machine, it was baby at 41 vs no baby. I went for baby at 41. Is your husband too old? Probably. But again - you are having children for you, so figure out if you can count on yourself. Women have children in refugee camps so I am quite confident a 38-year old in DC with a nice career and a night nanny will manage.

Children aren’t a vanity project. Don’t have them just so you can have “something for yourself”.

[Anonymous]

Nobody said it's a vanity project. I meant women usually have children based on *their own decisions and desires*, that is, you either want a child or you don't want a child, quite regardless of your circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, my age is not an issue, but DH might be too old? Anybody out there have kids with an older spouse want to share their experience? I don't think I care if DH can keep up with our kids in a tennis match or on the ski slopes when they are teenagers. I do care if a future child would suffer in other ways for having an older dad, so what are all the ways they might suffer? Is it socially awkward to have older parents? Is it the emotional burden of knowing that your parent may not be around for your wedding or to meet your grandchildren, or worrying that you'll have to live in this world without both of your parents for longer than others?

Also,

Anonymous wrote: Can you share more about the marital stresses that come up around the adult kids?

Stressors that I think are typical of blended families like ours. I think they boil down to time and resources that go from DH to his adult children, which someone could argue are excessive because DH feels guilty his first marriage didn't work out. I understand from the perspective DH's adult kids that DH's new wife and child take away time and resources from them, so there's just a division there that might never go away.

I was 34 and DH was 47 when we had our third child (I was 29 and DH 42 with our first child). Our kids are still little (our youngest is 2.5), but DH has more energy, patience and stamina than I do. DH runs with me every day 5 to 6 miles and then he play tennis for an hour at lunch. DH also did most of the night wake ups with all 3 of our children… he is a young soul (and even immature sometimes)… age is very relative in my opinion. I know plenty of 35 year olds that are too old to be dads while my husband at 47 (59 now) is doing just fine.

Oh and he teaches tennis to our older 2 kids!

[Anonymous]

Geez, you are not too old for this, but he definitely is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, my age is not an issue, but DH might be too old? Anybody out there have kids with an older spouse want to share their experience? I don't think I care if DH can keep up with our kids in a tennis match or on the ski slopes when they are teenagers. I do care if a future child would suffer in other ways for having an older dad, so what are all the ways they might suffer? Is it socially awkward to have older parents? Is it the emotional burden of knowing that your parent may not be around for your wedding or to meet your grandchildren, or worrying that you'll have to live in this world without both of your parents for longer than others?

Also,

Anonymous wrote: Can you share more about the marital stresses that come up around the adult kids?

Stressors that I think are typical of blended families like ours. I think they boil down to time and resources that go from DH to his adult children, which someone could argue are excessive because DH feels guilty his first marriage didn't work out. I understand from the perspective DH's adult kids that DH's new wife and child take away time and resources from them, so there's just a division there that might never go away.

I was 34 and DH was 47 when we had our third child (I was 29 and DH 42 with our first child). Our kids are still little (our youngest is 2.5), but DH has more energy, patience and stamina than I do. DH runs with me every day 5 to 6 miles and then he play tennis for an hour at lunch. DH also did most of the night wake ups with all 3 of our children… he is a young soul (and even immature sometimes)… age is very relative in my opinion. I know plenty of 35 year olds that are too old to be dads while my husband at 47 (59 now) is doing just fine.

Oh and he teaches tennis to our older 2 kids!

Ridiculous comparison. OP’s DH is 52 already and she’s contemplating a newborn. Your DH was a good ten years older when you had your last child. This is an apples and oranges comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody said it's a vanity project. I meant women usually have children based on *their own decisions and desires*, that is, you either want a child or you don't want a child, quite regardless of your circumstances.

But if OP has one, it’s going to be a vanity project for her. She already has an equalizer baby.

[Anonymous]

Have the family you want to have. If you don’t, you will further resent DH. But don’t have the other kid “for” your current kid. The biggest issue in all of this is that you are very unhappy in your relationship with your DH. It sounds like you aren’t integrated into a major part of his life, and understandably, feel left out of his major relationships.