Should I have a second kid at 38 (DH 52), or are we just too old?

[Anonymous]

1. Both of your ages put your unborn child at higher risk of autism, ADHD, etc...

2. Is one more child going to put your busy lives over the edge?

As an only child, OP, I feel I need to reassure you that it's not a bad life

[Anonymous]

It seems like OP and her DH could handle the fourth child if they wanted to. But they don't, and that's okay. It's okay if you don't want to make your situation more stressful than it already is. OP, if you could get to a more peaceful place on your DH's adult kids, or if he could change jobs to cut back his travel, maybe the stars would align.

I just don't really get why you would be a step-parent if you don't actually want to, but that ship has sailed. It's normal for people to visit and spend money on their adult children. Were you expecting that he wouldn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I accept that he treats his adult children well. Things come up from time to time that hurt, but I recognize that I chose this life. We aren’t pinching pennies and we can afford childcare, but we also aren’t uber wealthy, and there are trade offs and in some instances, conflicting priorities.

A big part of me feels that I’d regret not having a second child, but the reality is we might not be able to handle it.

Are you ok with a child who has special needs and/or different abilities? It doesn’t sound like DH is around a ton, and given his age will not be working for decades. Can you handle the physical and financial responsibilities of a child who has high needs (learning challenges, disciplinary challenges, multiple appt per week, etc)? If so, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Well, I do have a friend who had an older dad. Her mom died pretty young like 55, causing my friend at 18 to be the primary caregiver of a 70 year old. He wasn't very healthy and it was hard for many years, especially as she began to have her own children. He recently died. I suppose your DH's adult kids would be able to share the load here if you died, so maybe it isn't a major concern. But to me this is the bad scenario that you risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you could bridge over the next few years with more nanny care. Get a weekend nanny when your DH travels. If he feels he is too old, I wouldn't push him, but the really physically active part of parenting will ease up in 6 years or so and the nanny can take on a lot of it. If he truly wants the baby it's not insurmountable.

Having an older parent can be socially awkward, especially if he's not healthy. But I think the worst way it is hard because it may thrust them into eldercare and loss at a young age when they're not ready to handle it.

Here's the thing about the adult children, though. They might not be less time-intensive than they are now. What happens when they have children of their own and want your DH to be the doting grandpa? Or what if a real actual problem crops up that requires more than occasional visits? How will you feel about all of this?

Honestly, I don't really understand why you would marry someone with adult children if it bothers you that he would visit them. How often does he actually visit them? Would you feel better about it if he didn't travel for work?

All too often in second marriages, there just isn't enough Dad to go around. Not enough time, not enough energy, not enough money, not enough attention. But the new wife is young and naive, doesn't know much about parenting older children and young adults. The DH wants the new wife, wants the new kids, wants everyone to be happy, but he's just not able to meet everyone's expectations. That's the way it goes.

All this. There is some social awkwardness, but it's more things like a dad who needs more care himself or doesn't have the energy to be really available during childhood and adolescence. You might not be chasing your teen around the playground, but they still need time and attention and energy as they move into adulthood. And if your spouse gets sick or injured or otherwise needs more intensive care, your kids may be pushed into being caregivers, or you may not have enough bandwidth for both spousal and child care. Saving for college so close to retirement is hard. My husband is older, and he's active and in good health, but he just doesn't have the energy he had even ten years ago.

And having a second kid because your husband already spends too much time and resources (in your opinion) on his other kids is not a solution. There will just be less time and attention and resources to go around. And then his kids have children, and he's trying to be a dad to his little kids and a grandfather to his grandkids, so he's either spread even thinner or someone gets the shaft (or thinks they do) and feels resentful.

It seems like OP is already at the point of feeling resentful. I do think with school-age children, it's less crushingly exhausting and boring to be alone for the weekend, and with two they might self-entertain better than an only. But overall this is the gist of it.

OP, what are your DH's retirement plans? If he stops working, or steps down to a less travel-intensive job, then maybe he could effectively be the father of 4 and grandfather of however many. But then there might not be enough money. See how this situation just kind of boxes people in? That's what happens when people have more children than they can actually handle. There isn't a good solution.

Yeah, if you think he expends too many resources on his adult kids, it's only going to get worse if he retires and has less income (just as your kids are entering college). If you just wish he was around more, it might help, although if his kids have kids, he may want to spend time with his grandkids.

+1. His adult kids are still his kids and hopefully he can enjoy being a grandad soon. Given your family dynamic I don’t think introducing another child into the mix would be wise.

[Anonymous]

The reality of being a stepparent is different than most people’s expectations going into it. No need to shame OP for expressing some sadness over that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither you nor your DH are too old. I'd worry more about your other concerns, such as about your DH's availability for all his kids. But from what you say it sounds like you're aware of and prepared to manage those (and already are) so if you want a second child, I say go for it.

52 IS old age to have a child. Sperm quality decreases with age.

IMO it's not that just.. it's the fact that your DH would be too old to really be engaged with a young child. My kids are teens, and DH is in his late 50s. He's fit, but he is still starting to feel it, and in a couple of years, he won't be able to keep up with our teens. My DH realizes that this was the price for having kids when he was in his 40s.

When OP's #2 is 15 her DH will almost 70. He's more like the kid's grandfather than father, and will engage with the kid like a grandpa.

BS. Your concerns are ableist and beyond wrong. A paralyzed dad can't play ball with his son, but he can still be a great dad. A dad in his 20s can be out of shape and have more trouble keeping up with kids than a fit 65 year old dad.

He is still more like a grandpa than a dad.

[Anonymous]

A dad that old will quickly be a burden, taking your focus and energy away as you care for him instead of your then-teenager/college kid.

[Anonymous]

I’d have another kid- I have a friend who is in her 30s now who had a similar situation. Her mom married a much older man with older kids who she knows but doesn’t feel very close to. Dad has since passed and her holidays consist of just her and her mom. It seems sad to me. I think a sibling would have been ideal for her.

[Anonymous]

You are not too old. I had my 2nd at 38. Kids may notice Dad is older in teen years but who cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d have another kid- I have a friend who is in her 30s now who had a similar situation. Her mom married a much older man with older kids who she knows but doesn’t feel very close to. Dad has since passed and her holidays consist of just her and her mom. It seems sad to me. I think a sibling would have been ideal for her.

But is it ideal for the parents?

[Anonymous]

One thing that I think folks don't fully appreciate when they have only little kids is just how grueling the pre-teen and teen years are. It is emotionally and physically so so hard, and I can't imagine doing it again 20 years older.

[Anonymous]

Did your DH have an affair with you when he was married to his first wife?

[Anonymous]

That would explain if the adult kids don't travel to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that I think folks don't fully appreciate when they have only little kids is just how grueling the pre-teen and teen years are. It is emotionally and physically so so hard, and I can't imagine doing it again 20 years older.

OP will end up doing it alone.

OP will end up taking care of her DH as soon as she's done taking care of her youngest.

It will be one long stream of taking care of people.

When you are 56, and your youngest goes to college, your DH will be 70.