Reply to Should I have a second kid at 38 (DH 52), or are we just too old?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m 38. DH is 52.  We have 2-year-old, plus DH has adult kids that have almost no relationship with our 2-year-old, so the 2-year-old is effectively an only child in our household. We can afford to have another kid and we already have a full-time nanny, and if we do try for no. 2 we can afford to hire a night nanny as well.  We both work and have good incomes and savings.  My primary motivation for trying to have another child would be to give our 2-year-old a sibling. My primary reasons for not trying to have another one is (i) our ages and (ii) marital stresses that arise from time to time over his adult kids (every time I think I want to try for another kid, something related to step life triggers me and I feel unhappy and pullback).  I say “I” because DH has told me he wants another kid if I do.  DH is healthy and active.  He's also a great, doting dad whenever he's around, but he travels for work and to see his adult kids, so there are times when I feel lonely, but maybe that is something I should deal with in therapy and just try for no. 2 before it's too late?  [/quote]

OP. Here's the truth or truths, unrelated to each other.

Your husband's relationship with his adult children is his own.  You cannot mediate it.  Be grateful they live across the country and not under your feet. Let it be.  Mess with it, and it will be at your peril.  You are not a party to this bond, and it will not be affected by you except to your peril.

Your husband's young adult children have no interest in your child and can't "work on having a relationship" with him/her.  No young adult is interested in a 2-year old or lets that 2-year old be a factor in their decision.  That's quite normal.  Let it be.  It is simply not a factor that enters their thinking.

Having/not having another child decisions are for you.  Women have children mostly for themselves.  Have another child if you want, don't have it if you don't want it.  Husbands are temporary, children are forever.  Children belong to women in ways they don't to men.  If you were to divorce, it's better for your children to have the same father vs. a divorced you trying to meet someone new and have a child with him.

You are not too old but you're working against time, not with it. I had my children at 37, 41 and 45.  Is it too late? yes.  But my choices were not 41 vs time machine, it was baby at 41 vs no baby. I went for baby at 41.  Is your husband too old? Probably.  But again - you are having children for you, so figure out if you can count on yourself.  Women have children in refugee camps so I am quite confident a 38-year old in DC with a nice career and a night nanny will manage. [/quote]

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