Strange Inheritance Situation - Need Perspective

[Anonymous]

OP has no moral responsibility to correct a wrong that she doesn't even have enough information to determine AS a wrong.

Seriously. She doesn't know. And sure its possible they're being screwed, its also possible they are horrible and by giving them money she will be rewarding horrible people. She can't know.

Add to that the fact that she is not even an inheritor, she has even LESS responsibility to care about this.

So should OP go out of her way to try to make people she doesn't know, who she doesn't know if they are good or bad, feel better while taking from her children? No that is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd love to hear the legal grounds pps think this will can be contested?
Note, legal grounds does not include the hurt feelings of adult children:

The will failed to comply with the statutory requirements for it to be valid, often an issue where wills are handwritten (in whole or in part), unsigned, not witnessed or not notarized
Breach of fiduciary duty, for example where a power of attorney does something in their self-interest instead of in the interest of the person they are supposed to be serving
Duress (threat of violence, abuse, or other unethical, coercive action)
Fraud that affected the details of the will
Forgery
Misrepresentation
Someone used undue influence to ensure that the terms of the will benefited them
The person who made the will can be proven to have been mentally ill, incapacitated, or otherwise lacked the capacity to make a will

You forgot about assumptions. There is an assumption that you would provide for your surviving spouse and children. If you want to disinherit them, you have to provide for that in the will. If you don’t, it is grounds for a contest.

OP, I’d ignore them. And only if you get served with a lawsuit or if you are really worried about it would I even bother to call a lawyer.

My God. Please cite the legal ground of assumptions.

Obviously you've never taken a wills and estates class. So, the short version is this. Most courts will assume that you forgot to mention your children if you don't make your intentions to disinherit them perfectly clear in your will. There are ways to do that. But simply not mentioning them will likely lead a court to assume that the deceased forgot and it will form the basis for overturning a will.

I'm a lawyer. "Assume" is not a legal term.

And, I wasn't writing a brief to the court or a legal memorandum so I used pedestrian terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I hope you can see your way to being a charitable and humane person. The rightful path is clear here, and only you can facilitate it.

It’s not OP’s money to be generous with. If I were OP I would 100% tell them to get lost.

I would not want to be a weapon in a dead man’s continuing war on his kids.

This. I would give them their part unless they were evil or criminals or something.

What constitutes "their part"? And please explain how the OP would give them their "part" when it's not her money to give?

+1. How much of the money that OP's children have inherited through a legal trust from their apparently loving grandfather should she drain to send to the strangers who have been writing her nasty emails? How much of her own money would you like her to put into hiring a lawyer to break the trust to accomplish this in contravention of the grantor's intent? Or perhaps you are suggesting that the decedent's grieving widow should give up the money that she inherited from her husband of 20 years?

This, exactly. And if these people wanted nothing to do with their dad for the last 20 years, why do they get to show up with their hands outstretched now?

+1
The nasty emails to the (non-inheriting) OP is enough story for me. Hang onto those emails and voicemails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
At this point we do not know the truth in both sides but we do know he left a hot mess for his step daughter and grandkids to deal with. That’s says a lot about his character. He could have at least talked to the OP about his plan when he drew up his will.
What a jerky thing to do.

Exactly. So many men like op’s stepdad remarried and comprehend abandon their first set of kids. My dad did the same.

Op admits she doesn’t know what happened in their marriage.

Watch.. let’s see if someone does that to one of her grandchildren and see how it feels.

Everything always come back full circle.

DCUM’s insistence on siding with disinherited people is so odd.

Completely agree. After years and years on DCUM, I see a similar pattern in all threads about inheritance and stepfamily issues: a significant percentage of posters will project their own circumstances into the thread with little to no regard of the facts of the OP’s situation. It’s obviously the case that divorce causes lasting pain for many kids, and based on what I see on DCUM, many of the children of divorce have failed to work through their issues and get to a healthy place. This type of poster will always bring an emotional response, side with whomever in the OP’s story is most like who they consider to be the wrong people in their own lives (making up facts as needed), and seem to be incapable of rationally analyzing or responding to the OP’s question.

My two cents on OP’s situation is that she owes absolutely nothing in the way of a response to her stepdad’s bio kids, and agree with PPs who noted that anything she says in an effort to be nice could be used against her if these harassing jerks contest the will. I find it quite odd that people in their 40s who have had no relationship with their dad for 20+ years (regardless of who is most to blame) and didn’t attend or acknowledge his funeral would expect an inheritance. Finally, I agree with those who have noted that no one should feel entitled to receive an inheritance from another person, even a loved one. It’s lovely when it happens, but it’s a terrible thing to live your life with any expectation of receiving one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what advice to give, op. All I can say it to be gracious and polite and understanding. That might go a long way to create goodwill on the step FIL's bio kids.
I am not saying give them the money, but ask yourself how would you feel in their shoes. Their side of the story is likely very, very different from the version you got.
In any situation, I find that starting from a point of view that is generous, accepting and gracious, is the best course of action. That doesn't mean that they will act the same, but at the end of the day when you go to bed, what will make you sleep without any regrets?

Yes, but that only gets you so far given that we already know how they chose to act. If I were completely blindsided by being disinherited, I would be hurt, and angry at the person who disinherited me. (That's a big if, here, because at least on OP's understanding these kids knew they weren't close to the father -- they didn't send flowers or show up at his funeral!) So how would I respond in that situation? I might meditate, complain to my spouse, complain to my therapist, punch a pillow. What I would not do is harass the mother of the step-siblings who got a windfall. But that's what these crazies are doing to the poor OP.

I mean, seriously, if they showed up and physically assaulted OP, would we be saying, "put yourself in their shoes"?

+1. There are a ton of bizarrely angry, entitled people on this thread. I don't have the faintest idea how my parents, grandparents, or ILs plan to leave their money and I don't care. I won't care if I get nothing and I won't care if it all goes to someone else. In fact, I've told my parents to leave what they have (which isn't a huge estate by any means) to my sibling because they need it more. My plan has always been to take care of myself. There are literally zero circumstances under which I would be harassing my estranged father's widow and her kid because I was angry that my estranged father decided to leave his money to his grandkids. This behavior is trash and the fact that so many of you seem to sympathize with it is disturbing.

OK, this is is bizarre on its own way. Or perhaps you have so much that you don't care.

Why do you find this bizarre? My parents will probably die without a ton of money and my ILs will probably die with a lot of money, but in both cases it hopefully/likely won't happen until I'm in my 50s or older (I'm 38 now and they're in their 60s/70s). I keep my own financial house in order and am planning for my own retirement and end of life care. I don't need anyone else's money and what they decide to do with their money and stuff after death is their affair, not mine. I find it odd that so many people take this so personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what advice to give, op. All I can say it to be gracious and polite and understanding. That might go a long way to create goodwill on the step FIL's bio kids.
I am not saying give them the money, but ask yourself how would you feel in their shoes. Their side of the story is likely very, very different from the version you got.
In any situation, I find that starting from a point of view that is generous, accepting and gracious, is the best course of action. That doesn't mean that they will act the same, but at the end of the day when you go to bed, what will make you sleep without any regrets?

Yes, but that only gets you so far given that we already know how they chose to act. If I were completely blindsided by being disinherited, I would be hurt, and angry at the person who disinherited me. (That's a big if, here, because at least on OP's understanding these kids knew they weren't close to the father -- they didn't send flowers or show up at his funeral!) So how would I respond in that situation? I might meditate, complain to my spouse, complain to my therapist, punch a pillow. What I would not do is harass the mother of the step-siblings who got a windfall. But that's what these crazies are doing to the poor OP.

I mean, seriously, if they showed up and physically assaulted OP, would we be saying, "put yourself in their shoes"?

+1. There are a ton of bizarrely angry, entitled people on this thread. I don't have the faintest idea how my parents, grandparents, or ILs plan to leave their money and I don't care. I won't care if I get nothing and I won't care if it all goes to someone else. In fact, I've told my parents to leave what they have (which isn't a huge estate by any means) to my sibling because they need it more. My plan has always been to take care of myself. There are literally zero circumstances under which I would be harassing my estranged father's widow and her kid because I was angry that my estranged father decided to leave his money to his grandkids. This behavior is trash and the fact that so many of you seem to sympathize with it is disturbing.

OK, this is is bizarre on its own way. Or perhaps you have so much that you don't care.

Why do you find this bizarre? My parents will probably die without a ton of money and my ILs will probably die with a lot of money, but in both cases it hopefully/likely won't happen until I'm in my 50s or older (I'm 38 now and they're in their 60s/70s). I keep my own financial house in order and am planning for my own retirement and end of life care. I don't need anyone else's money and what they decide to do with their money and stuff after death is their affair, not mine. I find it odd that so many people take this so personally.

+1 Well said.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT respond ever!! Block the phone numbers/emails if possible. I would not contact a lawyer unless they do first because they don't have a case. The trust terms and your kids will decide what happens when that time comes. Do not respond or share any information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what advice to give, op. All I can say it to be gracious and polite and understanding. That might go a long way to create goodwill on the step FIL's bio kids.
I am not saying give them the money, but ask yourself how would you feel in their shoes. Their side of the story is likely very, very different from the version you got.
In any situation, I find that starting from a point of view that is generous, accepting and gracious, is the best course of action. That doesn't mean that they will act the same, but at the end of the day when you go to bed, what will make you sleep without any regrets?

Yes, but that only gets you so far given that we already know how they chose to act. If I were completely blindsided by being disinherited, I would be hurt, and angry at the person who disinherited me. (That's a big if, here, because at least on OP's understanding these kids knew they weren't close to the father -- they didn't send flowers or show up at his funeral!) So how would I respond in that situation? I might meditate, complain to my spouse, complain to my therapist, punch a pillow. What I would not do is harass the mother of the step-siblings who got a windfall. But that's what these crazies are doing to the poor OP.

I mean, seriously, if they showed up and physically assaulted OP, would we be saying, "put yourself in their shoes"?

+1. There are a ton of bizarrely angry, entitled people on this thread. I don't have the faintest idea how my parents, grandparents, or ILs plan to leave their money and I don't care. I won't care if I get nothing and I won't care if it all goes to someone else. In fact, I've told my parents to leave what they have (which isn't a huge estate by any means) to my sibling because they need it more. My plan has always been to take care of myself. There are literally zero circumstances under which I would be harassing my estranged father's widow and her kid because I was angry that my estranged father decided to leave his money to his grandkids. This behavior is trash and the fact that so many of you seem to sympathize with it is disturbing.

OK, this is is bizarre on its own way. Or perhaps you have so much that you don't care.

Why do you find this bizarre? My parents will probably die without a ton of money and my ILs will probably die with a lot of money, but in both cases it hopefully/likely won't happen until I'm in my 50s or older (I'm 38 now and they're in their 60s/70s). I keep my own financial house in order and am planning for my own retirement and end of life care. I don't need anyone else's money and what they decide to do with their money and stuff after death is their affair, not mine. I find it odd that so many people take this so personally.

really? being disinherited by your parent as a final f-you is kind of a big deal. I’m resigned to it personally, but it’s still really messed up. and no, I haven’t done anything to deserve it. the only upside is that knowing I’m disinherited removes any residual thread of guilt or obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow!
At this point we do not know the truth in both sides but we do know he left a hot mess for his step daughter and grandkids to deal with. That’s says a lot about his character. He could have at least talked to the OP about his plan when he drew up his will.
What a jerky thing to do.

Exactly. So many men like op’s stepdad remarried and comprehend abandon their first set of kids. My dad did the same.

Op admits she doesn’t know what happened in their marriage.

Watch.. let’s see if someone does that to one of her grandchildren and see how it feels.

Everything always come back full circle.

DCUM’s insistence on siding with disinherited people is so odd.

Completely agree. After years and years on DCUM, I see a similar pattern in all threads about inheritance and stepfamily issues: a significant percentage of posters will project their own circumstances into the thread with little to no regard of the facts of the OP’s situation. It’s obviously the case that divorce causes lasting pain for many kids, and based on what I see on DCUM, many of the children of divorce have failed to work through their issues and get to a healthy place. This type of poster will always bring an emotional response, side with whomever in the OP’s story is most like who they consider to be the wrong people in their own lives (making up facts as needed), and seem to be incapable of rationally analyzing or responding to the OP’s question.

My two cents on OP’s situation is that she owes absolutely nothing in the way of a response to her stepdad’s bio kids, and agree with PPs who noted that anything she says in an effort to be nice could be used against her if these harassing jerks contest the will. I find it quite odd that people in their 40s who have had no relationship with their dad for 20+ years (regardless of who is most to blame) and didn’t attend or acknowledge his funeral would expect an inheritance. Finally, I agree with those who have noted that no one should feel entitled to receive an inheritance from another person, even a loved one. It’s lovely when it happens, but it’s a terrible thing to live your life with any expectation of receiving one.

OP asked for “perspective,” as if she just couldn’t fathom how the kids could possibly be upset.

[Anonymous]

The responses here are very telling in terms of who has dealt with parental estrangement/abandonment and who has not. For those of you saying it's unreasonable for the bio kids to be upset and that they had every chance to mend their relationship with their father, it's rarely that simple. There is often many years of wrongs involved and the parent/child dynamic is not an equal one - even once the kids are adults. That is to say, it's not necessarily on the kids to reconcile with a parent in all situations. It is not as black and white as many posters here seem to think. Those of us who have personally dealt with it know that it's really messy and there's lot of hurt to go around.

We don't know the circumstances here or whether there is a reason the bio kids expected an inheritance. OP owes them nothing, but I am not going to cast judgment on their reasons for thinking or hoping that they would inherit something. I do not condone their behavior toward OP either, and there's no reason they should be taking this out on her.

[Anonymous]

OP, You acknowledge you only know one side of the story so you can assume either there is either more emotional attachment than you are aware of, or this prior family is being vindictive. Either way you are out of the situation because this trust for your minor children in essence is out of your hands.

I vote that you block contact or ignore them. When they realize they will not get a response they can decide if mounting a legal challenge against the estate is worthwhile. You don’t need a lawyer because you are not the estate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses here are very telling in terms of who has dealt with parental estrangement/abandonment and who has not. For those of you saying it's unreasonable for the bio kids to be upset and that they had every chance to mend their relationship with their father, it's rarely that simple. There is often many years of wrongs involved and the parent/child dynamic is not an equal one - even once the kids are adults. That is to say, it's not necessarily on the kids to reconcile with a parent in all situations. It is not as black and white as many posters here seem to think. Those of us who have personally dealt with it know that it's really messy and there's lot of hurt to go around.

We don't know the circumstances here or whether there is a reason the bio kids expected an inheritance. OP owes them nothing, but I am not going to cast judgment on their reasons for thinking or hoping that they would inherit something. I do not condone their behavior toward OP either, and there's no reason they should be taking this out on her.

This.
And op shouldn’t be too quick to judge the kids. The dad seem to be a pretty shitty one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the stepfather appreciated and enjoyed his relationship with his step-grandchildren. It’s fine if he chose to help them have better lives by leaving them an inheritance. it was his money - he had no legal obligation to leave anything to anybody. I’d ignore the communications from the sons; if they were not in touch for 20 years would be difficult to establish some reason they legally were entitled. I think it’s telling you did not inherit money, same as his sons did not. He skipped that whole generation; but because of his relationship with the grands, wanted to reach out to them. Lovely.

Lovely?
He disinherited his own kids.
Perhaps your mom had something to do with this and is not as innocent as you like to think. He should have left something for his kids. It's his duty to provide for his offspring after death.

No it is not. My sibling is listed by name in my mothers will as “Due to personal reasons Joe is receiving nothing from my estate”. They did a terrible horrible unforgivable thing and do not get to profit off of my mothers death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what advice to give, op. All I can say it to be gracious and polite and understanding. That might go a long way to create goodwill on the step FIL's bio kids.
I am not saying give them the money, but ask yourself how would you feel in their shoes. Their side of the story is likely very, very different from the version you got.
In any situation, I find that starting from a point of view that is generous, accepting and gracious, is the best course of action. That doesn't mean that they will act the same, but at the end of the day when you go to bed, what will make you sleep without any regrets?

Yes, but that only gets you so far given that we already know how they chose to act. If I were completely blindsided by being disinherited, I would be hurt, and angry at the person who disinherited me. (That's a big if, here, because at least on OP's understanding these kids knew they weren't close to the father -- they didn't send flowers or show up at his funeral!) So how would I respond in that situation? I might meditate, complain to my spouse, complain to my therapist, punch a pillow. What I would not do is harass the mother of the step-siblings who got a windfall. But that's what these crazies are doing to the poor OP.

I mean, seriously, if they showed up and physically assaulted OP, would we be saying, "put yourself in their shoes"?

+1. There are a ton of bizarrely angry, entitled people on this thread. I don't have the faintest idea how my parents, grandparents, or ILs plan to leave their money and I don't care. I won't care if I get nothing and I won't care if it all goes to someone else. In fact, I've told my parents to leave what they have (which isn't a huge estate by any means) to my sibling because they need it more. My plan has always been to take care of myself. There are literally zero circumstances under which I would be harassing my estranged father's widow and her kid because I was angry that my estranged father decided to leave his money to his grandkids. This behavior is trash and the fact that so many of you seem to sympathize with it is disturbing.

OK, this is is bizarre on its own way. Or perhaps you have so much that you don't care.

Why do you find this bizarre? My parents will probably die without a ton of money and my ILs will probably die with a lot of money, but in both cases it hopefully/likely won't happen until I'm in my 50s or older (I'm 38 now and they're in their 60s/70s). I keep my own financial house in order and am planning for my own retirement and end of life care. I don't need anyone else's money and what they decide to do with their money and stuff after death is their affair, not mine. I find it odd that so many people take this so personally.

really? being disinherited by your parent as a final f-you is kind of a big deal. I’m resigned to it personally, but it’s still really messed up. and no, I haven’t done anything to deserve it. the only upside is that knowing I’m disinherited removes any residual thread of guilt or obligation.

yeah, this is just so ridiculous. two things can both be true 1) parents have the right to do what they want with their money; one needs to keep his own life in order etc 2) parents are total assholes if they frivolously spend their money or unjustly divide their assets.

[Anonymous]

I would not respond to their emails. If they want to take you to court, fine.

If they were nice people I'd say give them half, but they don't sound like it. You can't divorce your parent then expect to be remembered in the will.