Reply to Husband said I’m selfish and terrible wife and he will divorce me

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here.

Husband slept on the couch yesterday. We have interacted little today although he sent out and came back saying he bought tennis balls for our lesson tonight. I am keeping to myself and processing everything.

I am annoyed that my husband tries to paint me as the bad guys instead of being on my team or acting like we are a unit. I understand for better or worse his family, especially his MOTHER is VERY important to him. His sister and he hardly communicate outside of the family gatherings and his dad is a nice but quiet man. Whenever I make a request to create some sort of boundary, instead of agreeing to it or seeing my point, he throws a fit saying his family has always done it this way and his mom's feelings will be hurt if we do something differently.

- His only regular vacation is when we go away with his family to the beach. No matter what or how, if his mother says we are doing it he will be on board. When I ask about planning a vacation for just the two of us, its a struggle.

- His family liked to do road trips all together in one big SUV. Mom, dad, brother sister. When I married him, it was me included. Imagine a 5 hour road trip. ALL OF US TOGETHER. This kept on going until SIL got herself a fiancé and now she and he travel separately. Of course MIL, FIL, Husband and I still TRAVEL TOGETHER!!!

- His sister has always either hated me or ignored my existence. She makes fun of me and puts me down in front of others and her family. NO ONE TELLS HER TO STOP. I have cried about this flabbergasted to my  husband many times and his only response is, " I can't control my family!"

- If I say I don't want to do something, instead of respecting my wishes, he will go whine to his mom about how Larla doesnt want to do X and then it becomes a whole thing where I am the bad guy.

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I say this kindly, because I understand you are unhappy. Have you considered therapy for yourself? What I’m noticing in your posts is 1) low self-esteem, leading you to overvalue others’ opinions of you (i.e. you keep asking if your preferences make you selfish as he said you were — it’s clear that his words shake you, and this is what you keep coming back to instead of how you feel about him shouting at you and disrespecting you); 2) victim perspective, centering on resentments of what others do and say and “make” you do as opposed to a focus on your own agency in marrying and staying married to this person; 3) fear of abandonment, as when you beg him not to leave you — it’s as if you feel worthless inside and that’s why you fear his judgment and abuse and the ill treatment of others, but the worst thing of all would be being rejected by them.

You need to sit down and do a thorough inventory of issues in your family of origin that might have led to what you are dealing with here. It’s clear that there is quite a bit of incompatibility in this marriage, ie you want a modern partnership and he has more traditional ideas in mind. But the main question is why you continue to stay with him knowing that this is the deal. He’s not going to change. He’s not going to suddenly start asking you what you want to do, standing up to his mom (as he has convinced himself that what makes him happy is pleasing his family), or put on a cheerful face when you assert your own needs and wants. If you were to unravel your own issues it might give you the strength to accept that this is the situation and make a genuine decision about what you want. You deserve to be happy and you don’t need to do anything to prove or justify your existence. Be well.

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