How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ that is a huge violation of your personal health. To not know and then find out you have not been in a monogamous marriage is horrifying. You can’t wash away the dirty feeling. That’s why pps said it feels like rape.

I still feel being raped. He was coming back from business trips, and would request my oral on him, literally next day after he slept with her. I found text messages on his cell phone where she writes "lost the key to your floor" and it was the morning of the same day he slept with me. She was with him in Vienna in the morning, and my son and I flew there in the evening. He just switched hotels.

I literally was throwing up when I found out. I feel I was raped for many years, because if I knew he was sleeping with someone else, I wouldn't be sleeping with him! He took my sexual choices from me, and basically had sex with me without me being fully informed.

I can relate. It’s awful. I have lasting trauma.

I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Cheaters don’t want to hear any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible shock after discovery of a 5-year hidden affair. Couldn't function at all and was an emotional mess for the first 6 months. I still can't talk to him, and we live separated in the same house only emailing or texting on what relates to our son.
But I was able to dig myself out by 1) excluding all recreational alcohol - I noticed that red wine makes me terribly sad, if I am already sad and I couldn't sleep after drinking when I was so depressed 2) looking for a job and attending online classes. It's very difficult to concentrate, but the more effort I made, the better it was getting. I've had many unsuccessful interviews, especially in the beginning, but even those made me feel more in-demand, professional, talking with smart people. It was helping me to re-focus on something new.

Almost a year as I found out, and we are not divorced. I just calmly hate my exH, I consider him an abusive mental and physical rapist (because the affairs are a form of rape). But I can fully function and work on my future.

What does this mean?

NP. Affairs are a form of rape because most people in a marriage are consenting to sex on the basis of monogamy. Sex by fraud or sex without informed consent is rape. Much like marital rape used to be, it is, at present, a form of non-prosecutable rape, but it is rape, nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible shock after discovery of a 5-year hidden affair. Couldn't function at all and was an emotional mess for the first 6 months. I still can't talk to him, and we live separated in the same house only emailing or texting on what relates to our son.
But I was able to dig myself out by 1) excluding all recreational alcohol - I noticed that red wine makes me terribly sad, if I am already sad and I couldn't sleep after drinking when I was so depressed 2) looking for a job and attending online classes. It's very difficult to concentrate, but the more effort I made, the better it was getting. I've had many unsuccessful interviews, especially in the beginning, but even those made me feel more in-demand, professional, talking with smart people. It was helping me to re-focus on something new.

Almost a year as I found out, and we are not divorced. I just calmly hate my exH, I consider him an abusive mental and physical rapist (because the affairs are a form of rape). But I can fully function and work on my future.

What does this mean?

NP. Affairs are a form of rape because most people in a marriage are consenting to sex on the basis of monogamy. Sex by fraud or sex without informed consent is rape. Much like marital rape used to be, it is, at present, a form of non-prosecutable rape, but it is rape, nonetheless.

What previous pp said exactly:

“I literally was throwing up when I found out. I feel I was raped for many years, because if I knew he was sleeping with someone else, I wouldn't be sleeping with him! He took my sexual choices from me, and basically had sex with me without me being fully informed.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible shock after discovery of a 5-year hidden affair. Couldn't function at all and was an emotional mess for the first 6 months. I still can't talk to him, and we live separated in the same house only emailing or texting on what relates to our son.
But I was able to dig myself out by 1) excluding all recreational alcohol - I noticed that red wine makes me terribly sad, if I am already sad and I couldn't sleep after drinking when I was so depressed 2) looking for a job and attending online classes. It's very difficult to concentrate, but the more effort I made, the better it was getting. I've had many unsuccessful interviews, especially in the beginning, but even those made me feel more in-demand, professional, talking with smart people. It was helping me to re-focus on something new.

Almost a year as I found out, and we are not divorced. I just calmly hate my exH, I consider him an abusive mental and physical rapist (because the affairs are a form of rape). But I can fully function and work on my future.

What does this mean?

NP. Affairs are a form of rape because most people in a marriage are consenting to sex on the basis of monogamy. Sex by fraud or sex without informed consent is rape. Much like marital rape used to be, it is, at present, a form of non-prosecutable rape, but it is rape, nonetheless.

What previous pp said exactly:

“I literally was throwing up when I found out. I feel I was raped for many years, because if I knew he was sleeping with someone else, I wouldn't be sleeping with him! He took my sexual choices from me, and basically had sex with me without me being fully informed.”

And this pp:

“DP. I found out my husband would have sex on Fridays unprotected. We always had sex Saturday mornings and multiple other days. I felt so violated when I knew he was just inside some other woman unprotected without my knowledge and then me. It was horrifying. The lies and gaslighting once you piece together that things they told you were complete lies and how they would place the lie a few weeks out and build on it....there are no words for how disorienting that is. This is why it is a severe trauma.”

[Anonymous]

All of the above is true for me. One of the lasting negative effects for me stems from I’ve always lived an authentic life free of lies. The affair has forced me to have to live a lie and conceal the truth in order to protect my children. It remains on the top of my brain whenever I’m with family and friends. It’s an awful feeling to be living a lie due to the selfish actions of two liars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the above is true for me. One of the lasting negative effects for me stems from I’ve always lived an authentic life free of lies. The affair has forced me to have to live a lie and conceal the truth in order to protect my children. It remains on the top of my brain whenever I’m with family and friends. It’s an awful feeling to be living a lie due to the selfish actions of two liars.

They don’t get how damaging that is, the cheaters. Their entire lives are predicated on lies and they can do it without a care in the world. It is agonizing for those of us that live true, authentic lives where lying was never part of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a terrible shock after discovery of a 5-year hidden affair. Couldn't function at all and was an emotional mess for the first 6 months. I still can't talk to him, and we live separated in the same house only emailing or texting on what relates to our son.
But I was able to dig myself out by 1) excluding all recreational alcohol - I noticed that red wine makes me terribly sad, if I am already sad and I couldn't sleep after drinking when I was so depressed 2) looking for a job and attending online classes. It's very difficult to concentrate, but the more effort I made, the better it was getting. I've had many unsuccessful interviews, especially in the beginning, but even those made me feel more in-demand, professional, talking with smart people. It was helping me to re-focus on something new.

Almost a year as I found out, and we are not divorced. I just calmly hate my exH, I consider him an abusive mental and physical rapist (because the affairs are a form of rape). But I can fully function and work on my future.

What does this mean?

NP. Affairs are a form of rape because most people in a marriage are consenting to sex on the basis of monogamy. Sex by fraud or sex without informed consent is rape. Much like marital rape used to be, it is, at present, a form of non-prosecutable rape, but it is rape, nonetheless.

What previous pp said exactly:

“I literally was throwing up when I found out. I feel I was raped for many years, because if I knew he was sleeping with someone else, I wouldn't be sleeping with him! He took my sexual choices from me, and basically had sex with me without me being fully informed.”

I am the pp who was throwing up. That was a physical consequence for me: I couldn’t eat without feeling unwell. Anything at all! I would eat one salad a day and still throw up right after I felt so sick. It lasted for 3 months after my discovery. I lost 34 pounds. And I can’t see his face without shaking a year after. That’s the father of my child on top of it and will have to see him for many family events my whole life. That kills me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of the above is true for me. One of the lasting negative effects for me stems from I’ve always lived an authentic life free of lies. The affair has forced me to have to live a lie and conceal the truth in order to protect my children. It remains on the top of my brain whenever I’m with family and friends. It’s an awful feeling to be living a lie due to the selfish actions of two liars.

Then leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the above is true for me. One of the lasting negative effects for me stems from I’ve always lived an authentic life free of lies. The affair has forced me to have to live a lie and conceal the truth in order to protect my children. It remains on the top of my brain whenever I’m with family and friends. It’s an awful feeling to be living a lie due to the selfish actions of two liars.

Then leave.

The lie is still there to protect the kids, dummy.

People just say they grew apart so as not to scar the kids or have the gossip train running.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the above is true for me. One of the lasting negative effects for me stems from I’ve always lived an authentic life free of lies. The affair has forced me to have to live a lie and conceal the truth in order to protect my children. It remains on the top of my brain whenever I’m with family and friends. It’s an awful feeling to be living a lie due to the selfish actions of two liars.

Then leave.

The lie is still there to protect the kids, dummy.

People just say they grew apart so as not to scar the kids or have the gossip train running.

+1

I also didn’t want relatives bad mouthing the kids’ father in front of them. I could only imagine drinking on holidays and somebody bringing up the affair and a-hole within ear shot if the kids.

So- yes the betrayed are forced to pay for the sins of the liars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the above is true for me. One of the lasting negative effects for me stems from I’ve always lived an authentic life free of lies. The affair has forced me to have to live a lie and conceal the truth in order to protect my children. It remains on the top of my brain whenever I’m with family and friends. It’s an awful feeling to be living a lie due to the selfish actions of two liars.

Then leave.

The lie is still there to protect the kids, dummy.

People just say they grew apart so as not to scar the kids or have the gossip train running.

Divorce also doesn’t take away the trauma, pain or trust issues. All of this continues long after the divorce papers are signed.

[Anonymous]

I identify with so many of these posts. When I found out, I was scared for my physical health because of potential STIs. I felt isolated because I wasn’t sure what the next step was, and I didn’t want anyone to know in case we stayed together, so I had no emotional support. My best friend said (in reference to someone else) “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” and it made me feel shame that I wasn’t kicking his ass to the curb within 24 hours of finding out, as I imagined a strong woman would.

I was fearful because I’d been out of the workforce for a long time and was afraid of losing my health insurance if we divorced and no one would hire me. I felt completely inadequate in every way. I also had trouble eating and lost weight — and I love food and am generally much more prone to overeating than under eating. I was so preoccupied that my attention span became so short, I couldn’t finish a book or a movie. I couldn’t sleep. I had wild mood swings. One night, my husband’s phone pinged, indicating a new text message, at 2 am and I burst into tears, thinking it was his AP. (It was only an automated message asking about a prescription refill.)

For a brief time, I thought maybe we could stay together, so I tried to be very sexually available for him. I don’t feel “raped,” but my stomach churns when I think about giving him oral during that time or how enthusiastic I acted about his lovemaking. It’s humiliating. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to give another man oral, should I ever have another romantic relationship. The idea of it brings back too much shame and pain.

I made sure not to reveal his infidelity to my children, but when they reached their teens, one simply told me she’d figured it out, and later, the other asked me point blank if he had cheated. I said, “Why would you ask that?” in my best impression of an incredulous voice, and she responded, “Because it’s the only logical conclusion.” She pointed out that there was no abuse, no addiction, we never fought, we didn’t have money problems, and he seems to enjoy living like a bachelor while I’m still taking care of them every day. In the end, I got no benefit out of “protecting” my kids because they view him as a cheater anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I identify with so many of these posts. When I found out, I was scared for my physical health because of potential STIs. I felt isolated because I wasn’t sure what the next step was, and I didn’t want anyone to know in case we stayed together, so I had no emotional support. My best friend said (in reference to someone else) “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” and it made me feel shame that I wasn’t kicking his ass to the curb within 24 hours of finding out, as I imagined a strong woman would.

I was fearful because I’d been out of the workforce for a long time and was afraid of losing my health insurance if we divorced and no one would hire me. I felt completely inadequate in every way. I also had trouble eating and lost weight — and I love food and am generally much more prone to overeating than under eating. I was so preoccupied that my attention span became so short, I couldn’t finish a book or a movie. I couldn’t sleep. I had wild mood swings. One night, my husband’s phone pinged, indicating a new text message, at 2 am and I burst into tears, thinking it was his AP. (It was only an automated message asking about a prescription refill.)

For a brief time, I thought maybe we could stay together, so I tried to be very sexually available for him. I don’t feel “raped,” but my stomach churns when I think about giving him oral during that time or how enthusiastic I acted about his lovemaking. It’s humiliating. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to give another man oral, should I ever have another romantic relationship. The idea of it brings back too much shame and pain.

I made sure not to reveal his infidelity to my children, but when they reached their teens, one simply told me she’d figured it out, and later, the other asked me point blank if he had cheated. I said, “Why would you ask that?” in my best impression of an incredulous voice, and she responded, “Because it’s the only logical conclusion.” She pointed out that there was no abuse, no addiction, we never fought, we didn’t have money problems, and he seems to enjoy living like a bachelor while I’m still taking care of them every day. In the end, I got no benefit out of “protecting” my kids because they view him as a cheater anyway.

Did you divorce ? How long did it take you to regain economic independence ?

[Anonymous]

Micro dosing