How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I identify with so many of these posts. When I found out, I was scared for my physical health because of potential STIs. I felt isolated because I wasn’t sure what the next step was, and I didn’t want anyone to know in case we stayed together, so I had no emotional support. My best friend said (in reference to someone else) “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” and it made me feel shame that I wasn’t kicking his ass to the curb within 24 hours of finding out, as I imagined a strong woman would.

I was fearful because I’d been out of the workforce for a long time and was afraid of losing my health insurance if we divorced and no one would hire me. I felt completely inadequate in every way. I also had trouble eating and lost weight — and I love food and am generally much more prone to overeating than under eating. I was so preoccupied that my attention span became so short, I couldn’t finish a book or a movie. I couldn’t sleep. I had wild mood swings. One night, my husband’s phone pinged, indicating a new text message, at 2 am and I burst into tears, thinking it was his AP. (It was only an automated message asking about a prescription refill.)

For a brief time, I thought maybe we could stay together, so I tried to be very sexually available for him. I don’t feel “raped,” but my stomach churns when I think about giving him oral during that time or how enthusiastic I acted about his lovemaking. It’s humiliating. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to give another man oral, should I ever have another romantic relationship. The idea of it brings back too much shame and pain.

I made sure not to reveal his infidelity to my children, but when they reached their teens, one simply told me she’d figured it out, and later, the other asked me point blank if he had cheated. I said, “Why would you ask that?” in my best impression of an incredulous voice, and she responded, “Because it’s the only logical conclusion.” She pointed out that there was no abuse, no addiction, we never fought, we didn’t have money problems, and he seems to enjoy living like a bachelor while I’m still taking care of them every day. In the end, I got no benefit out of “protecting” my kids because they view him as a cheater anyway.

Omg. This rings so true for me. The oral thing too. I used to give freely all the time and the thought of it now makes me puke. His affair destroyed me as a human. I was a very strong, independent mentally sound woman and I ended up reduced to staying in bed and unable to peel myself out many days. Nothing I used to do brought me joy and I was so anxious, nauseous and exhausted from a heightened state of constant “fight or flight” adrenaline. I get so mad when I think about how nonchalant and selfish those two lying f@cks were all those years. “Nobody will find out so nobody will get hurt”. And me still having sex so much while he was having unprotected sex without my knowledge. There are no words.

[Anonymous]

After reading the last few pages you can see why it’s now a legitimate classification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I identify with so many of these posts. When I found out, I was scared for my physical health because of potential STIs. I felt isolated because I wasn’t sure what the next step was, and I didn’t want anyone to know in case we stayed together, so I had no emotional support. My best friend said (in reference to someone else) “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” and it made me feel shame that I wasn’t kicking his ass to the curb within 24 hours of finding out, as I imagined a strong woman would.

I was fearful because I’d been out of the workforce for a long time and was afraid of losing my health insurance if we divorced and no one would hire me. I felt completely inadequate in every way. I also had trouble eating and lost weight — and I love food and am generally much more prone to overeating than under eating. I was so preoccupied that my attention span became so short, I couldn’t finish a book or a movie. I couldn’t sleep. I had wild mood swings. One night, my husband’s phone pinged, indicating a new text message, at 2 am and I burst into tears, thinking it was his AP. (It was only an automated message asking about a prescription refill.)

For a brief time, I thought maybe we could stay together, so I tried to be very sexually available for him. I don’t feel “raped,” but my stomach churns when I think about giving him oral during that time or how enthusiastic I acted about his lovemaking. It’s humiliating. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to give another man oral, should I ever have another romantic relationship. The idea of it brings back too much shame and pain.

I made sure not to reveal his infidelity to my children, but when they reached their teens, one simply told me she’d figured it out, and later, the other asked me point blank if he had cheated. I said, “Why would you ask that?” in my best impression of an incredulous voice, and she responded, “Because it’s the only logical conclusion.” She pointed out that there was no abuse, no addiction, we never fought, we didn’t have money problems, and he seems to enjoy living like a bachelor while I’m still taking care of them every day. In the end, I got no benefit out of “protecting” my kids because they view him as a cheater anyway.

Did you divorce ? How long did it take you to regain economic independence ?

We are not divorced yet, but he moved out. We will divorce someday, but I’m better off financially being married to him, so I’m not initiating it and he’s doing nothing out of inertia. I am not working now because of the pandemic (I have an underlying health condition that makes me high risk and one of our kids has severe ADHD and would flunk every class without constant supervision). I need to figure out how to reenter the workforce after such a long absence. It’s very scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I identify with so many of these posts. When I found out, I was scared for my physical health because of potential STIs. I felt isolated because I wasn’t sure what the next step was, and I didn’t want anyone to know in case we stayed together, so I had no emotional support. My best friend said (in reference to someone else) “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” and it made me feel shame that I wasn’t kicking his ass to the curb within 24 hours of finding out, as I imagined a strong woman would.

I was fearful because I’d been out of the workforce for a long time and was afraid of losing my health insurance if we divorced and no one would hire me. I felt completely inadequate in every way. I also had trouble eating and lost weight — and I love food and am generally much more prone to overeating than under eating. I was so preoccupied that my attention span became so short, I couldn’t finish a book or a movie. I couldn’t sleep. I had wild mood swings. One night, my husband’s phone pinged, indicating a new text message, at 2 am and I burst into tears, thinking it was his AP. (It was only an automated message asking about a prescription refill.)

For a brief time, I thought maybe we could stay together, so I tried to be very sexually available for him. I don’t feel “raped,” but my stomach churns when I think about giving him oral during that time or how enthusiastic I acted about his lovemaking. It’s humiliating. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to give another man oral, should I ever have another romantic relationship. The idea of it brings back too much shame and pain.

I made sure not to reveal his infidelity to my children, but when they reached their teens, one simply told me she’d figured it out, and later, the other asked me point blank if he had cheated. I said, “Why would you ask that?” in my best impression of an incredulous voice, and she responded, “Because it’s the only logical conclusion.” She pointed out that there was no abuse, no addiction, we never fought, we didn’t have money problems, and he seems to enjoy living like a bachelor while I’m still taking care of them every day. In the end, I got no benefit out of “protecting” my kids because they view him as a cheater anyway.

Did you divorce ? How long did it take you to regain economic independence ?

We are not divorced yet, but he moved out. We will divorce someday, but I’m better off financially being married to him, so I’m not initiating it and he’s doing nothing out of inertia. I am not working now because of the pandemic (I have an underlying health condition that makes me high risk and one of our kids has severe ADHD and would flunk every class without constant supervision). I need to figure out how to reenter the workforce after such a long absence. It’s very scary.

For how long you were out of workforce? We are in the same boat, except that my husband can't wait to land his d.ck in his whore, and threatens a divorce. We also have an ADHD son, and I am unable to find work. I don't know what I am going to do when he files. For now he just moved to a different part of the house.
I think a lot of infidelity and abuse comes from difference in economic position and power levels. I've made a terrible mistake leaving the workforce to take care of our son.

[Anonymous]

TL/DR
Please don't use the term PTSD to define this.
Yes, infidelity is very difficult, and I am sure you are going through a lot, but it is not PTSD. My brother has PTSD after his tour in Iraq. You don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TL/DR
Please don't use the term PTSD to define this.
Yes, infidelity is very difficult, and I am sure you are going through a lot, but it is not PTSD. My brother has PTSD after his tour in Iraq. You don't.

You should have read the thread. Your opinion has been thoroughly discredited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters don’t want to hear any of this.

Cheaters don't care about any of this. They're too busy planning their next fun escapade, while the wife is falling apart from the betrayal and still trying to raise their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the above is true for me. One of the lasting negative effects for me stems from I’ve always lived an authentic life free of lies. The affair has forced me to have to live a lie and conceal the truth in order to protect my children. It remains on the top of my brain whenever I’m with family and friends. It’s an awful feeling to be living a lie due to the selfish actions of two liars.

Then leave.

The lie is still there to protect the kids, dummy.

People just say they grew apart so as not to scar the kids or have the gossip train running.

Divorce also doesn’t take away the trauma, pain or trust issues. All of this continues long after the divorce papers are signed.

+100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters don’t want to hear any of this.

Cheaters don't care about any of this. They're too busy planning their next fun escapade, while the wife is falling apart from the betrayal and still trying to raise their children.

Or their husband. As a few pp have arrested, betrayed husbands are also suffering. Being a dirt ball cheating liar is present in both genders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters don’t want to hear any of this.

Cheaters don't care about any of this. They're too busy planning their next fun escapade, while the wife is falling apart from the betrayal and still trying to raise their children.

Or their husband. As a few pp have arrested, betrayed husbands are also suffering. Being a dirt ball cheating liar is present in both genders.

*attested. Damn autocorrect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of the above is true for me. One of the lasting negative effects for me stems from I’ve always lived an authentic life free of lies. The affair has forced me to have to live a lie and conceal the truth in order to protect my children. It remains on the top of my brain whenever I’m with family and friends. It’s an awful feeling to be living a lie due to the selfish actions of two liars.

Then leave.

The lie is still there to protect the kids, dummy.

People just say they grew apart so as not to scar the kids or have the gossip train running.

Divorce also doesn’t take away the trauma, pain or trust issues. All of this continues long after the divorce papers are signed.

+100000

Yes. The “just leave” “just divorce” chanters think that solves the trauma. It doesn’t. The destruction it leaves is brutal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters don’t want to hear any of this.

Cheaters don't care about any of this. They're too busy planning their next fun escapade, while the wife is falling apart from the betrayal and still trying to raise their children.

Or their husband. As a few pp have arrested, betrayed husbands are also suffering. Being a dirt ball cheating liar is present in both genders.

Yup. cheating and lying is not exclusive to one gender, race, sexual orientation. More people need to take that into consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I identify with so many of these posts. When I found out, I was scared for my physical health because of potential STIs. I felt isolated because I wasn’t sure what the next step was, and I didn’t want anyone to know in case we stayed together, so I had no emotional support. My best friend said (in reference to someone else) “Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” and it made me feel shame that I wasn’t kicking his ass to the curb within 24 hours of finding out, as I imagined a strong woman would.

I was fearful because I’d been out of the workforce for a long time and was afraid of losing my health insurance if we divorced and no one would hire me. I felt completely inadequate in every way. I also had trouble eating and lost weight — and I love food and am generally much more prone to overeating than under eating. I was so preoccupied that my attention span became so short, I couldn’t finish a book or a movie. I couldn’t sleep. I had wild mood swings. One night, my husband’s phone pinged, indicating a new text message, at 2 am and I burst into tears, thinking it was his AP. (It was only an automated message asking about a prescription refill.)

For a brief time, I thought maybe we could stay together, so I tried to be very sexually available for him. I don’t feel “raped,” but my stomach churns when I think about giving him oral during that time or how enthusiastic I acted about his lovemaking. It’s humiliating. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to give another man oral, should I ever have another romantic relationship. The idea of it brings back too much shame and pain.

I made sure not to reveal his infidelity to my children, but when they reached their teens, one simply told me she’d figured it out, and later, the other asked me point blank if he had cheated. I said, “Why would you ask that?” in my best impression of an incredulous voice, and she responded, “Because it’s the only logical conclusion.” She pointed out that there was no abuse, no addiction, we never fought, we didn’t have money problems, and he seems to enjoy living like a bachelor while I’m still taking care of them every day. In the end, I got no benefit out of “protecting” my kids because they view him as a cheater anyway.

Did you divorce ? How long did it take you to regain economic independence ?

We are not divorced yet, but he moved out. We will divorce someday, but I’m better off financially being married to him, so I’m not initiating it and he’s doing nothing out of inertia. I am not working now because of the pandemic (I have an underlying health condition that makes me high risk and one of our kids has severe ADHD and would flunk every class without constant supervision). I need to figure out how to reenter the workforce after such a long absence. It’s very scary.

For how long you were out of workforce? We are in the same boat, except that my husband can't wait to land his d.ck in his whore, and threatens a divorce. We also have an ADHD son, and I am unable to find work. I don't know what I am going to do when he files. For now he just moved to a different part of the house.
I think a lot of infidelity and abuse comes from difference in economic position and power levels. I've made a terrible mistake leaving the workforce to take care of our son.

I kept my career. And it still incredibly devestating. Yes - not having the financial worry is better than having it—but when you gave everything for 25-years and have kids and were exposed to diseases without your knowledge and gaslighted and lies to for years....it would take a decade of therapy to even remotely recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ that is a huge violation of your personal health. To not know and then find out you have not been in a monogamous marriage is horrifying. You can’t wash away the dirty feeling. That’s why pps said it feels like rape.

I still feel being raped. He was coming back from business trips, and would request my oral on him, literally next day after he slept with her. I found text messages on his cell phone where she writes "lost the key to your floor" and it was the morning of the same day he slept with me. She was with him in Vienna in the morning, and my son and I flew there in the evening. He just switched hotels.

I literally was throwing up when I found out. I feel I was raped for many years, because if I knew he was sleeping with someone else, I wouldn't be sleeping with him! He took my sexual choices from me, and basically had sex with me without me being fully informed.

Thank you for saying this. I have no one to talk to about what he did to me. the day after I found out, i woke up feeling as though I’d been raped and violated. I have been suppressing that for the last few months but reading your words at least made me feel like I’m not crazy for feeling that way. I’m not so alone. He cheated on me for five years. AP threatened him, and then me and my kids. He had to get a restraining order bc she was so violent and threatening. That was the first few months after I found out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ that is a huge violation of your personal health. To not know and then find out you have not been in a monogamous marriage is horrifying. You can’t wash away the dirty feeling. That’s why pps said it feels like rape.

I still feel being raped. He was coming back from business trips, and would request my oral on him, literally next day after he slept with her. I found text messages on his cell phone where she writes "lost the key to your floor" and it was the morning of the same day he slept with me. She was with him in Vienna in the morning, and my son and I flew there in the evening. He just switched hotels.

I literally was throwing up when I found out. I feel I was raped for many years, because if I knew he was sleeping with someone else, I wouldn't be sleeping with him! He took my sexual choices from me, and basically had sex with me without me being fully informed.

Thank you for saying this. I have no one to talk to about what he did to me. the day after I found out, i woke up feeling as though I’d been raped and violated. I have been suppressing that for the last few months but reading your words at least made me feel like I’m not crazy for feeling that way. I’m not so alone. He cheated on me for five years. AP threatened him, and then me and my kids. He had to get a restraining order bc she was so violent and threatening. That was the first few months after I found out.

At least yours feels somewhat guilty if he broke up with AP. Mine, despite all his 5 years long lies, somehow thinks it's my fault that he cheated. And he feels everyone should feel sorry for HIM, so full of self-pity!
Isn't it crazy?