Was accidentally on a group text...

[Anonymous]

I would take those words to heart. The person who sent that text knew she’d find a receptive audience because at least some of the other parents feel the same way about your child. My middle brother was that child. My best friend’s son is that child. It is really hard for you to hear it, but also hard for everyone who has to share a social space with your DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would reply - I'm sorry, XX you feel that way about Larlo. XXX, I appreciate the invitation but based off this text its best we decline the invitation. I don't want to put Larlo in a situation where he isn't welcome by everyone.

^^Perfection.

Absolutely not! Don’t punish your kid because some mom finds him loud, and then act all sulky for missing it because of a “mean” mom. Heck, I need Advil and wine for every birthday party and appreciate every single parent who brought their kid to my kids’ birthday parties. It’s awkward but it’s not totally mean what she said. So stay light, and you’ve got some suggestions. Your kid is not perfect and but so is this mother. She just got her foot in her mouth, so just stay light.

Yeah it's the jerk mom who needs decline the invitation. Not the victim.

Honestly, life is too short for that kind of power play to try to force that. I say that as the mom of the "unique" kid - everything got MUCH easier when I focused our social lives on the people who liked my son and didn't engage in mean gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP with the response of “I know Y can be a handful... thanks for including him...” and I am astounded at all the horrible advice most people are giving OP. None of you must have any functional, long lasting friendships with people who have character and occasionally make mistakes. I have lost my share of friends too, but at 38 I hope that I have found a way to identify and maintain good relationships with other women. Goodness knows I need these friendships (and group texts) more than ever during this pandemic!

Mean gossip about a child is not a "mistake." It's a sign of poor character, and a sign that this is not a supportive group of people that OP or her child need to be around. You should have more self esteem than to feel like you need to stay a part of every group-text group no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP with the response of “I know Y can be a handful... thanks for including him...” and I am astounded at all the horrible advice most people are giving OP. None of you must have any functional, long lasting friendships with people who have character and occasionally make mistakes. I have lost my share of friends too, but at 38 I hope that I have found a way to identify and maintain good relationships with other women. Goodness knows I need these friendships (and group texts) more than ever during this pandemic!

Mean gossip about a child is not a "mistake." It's a sign of poor character, and a sign that this is not a supportive group of people that OP or her child need to be around. You should have more self esteem than to feel like you need to stay a part of every group-text group no matter what.

+1, if it wasn't my child I'd still be horrified and not support it. We've shut down friendships based off the kids behavior but it was more how the parents responded vs. the actual child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take those words to heart. The person who sent that text knew she’d find a receptive audience because at least some of the other parents feel the same way about your child. My middle brother was that child. My best friend’s son is that child. It is really hard for you to hear it, but also hard for everyone who has to share a social space with your DS.

Oh brother. Guess what - most of us moms with difficult/different kids already know that our kid is difficult/different. We don't need gossipy, mean texts to "take it to heart." We need people who support and accept us (including publicly, in response to the mean text.) What kind of person are you to think that the primary goal should be concern for "everyone who has to share a social space" with our kid? If the kid is really THAT hard, then all the more reason only to be in a supportive environment. (Also you don't sound like that supportive environment for your supposedly best friend.) There is something for OP to take to heart, which is that a lot of moms really, really suck about kids who are in any way different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go, and hand her a bottle of advil and a glass of wine.

Thia

[Anonymous]

I’d have Dad take him to the party. Clearly these women are mean and they aren’t worth being around.

I’d also think about switching schools if that makes sense (depending on how big an issue behaviors are), or at least evaluate who you are close enough to text. Real friends will accept your child and not talk about them behind your back.

[Anonymous]

I think you are missing the whole point that it’s not the kid that is the problem just 1 crazy mom.

It's doubtful that this is one crazy mom. Clearly she felt comfortable putting that out there in a group text, which tells you that OP's son's behavior has probably been the topic of many a conversation in the past and that the group feels just like this mom does.

I am sure that the people who texted OP are really sorry that OP saw what was said. But, that doesn't mean they don't agree with the sentiment.

I am a parent of a tough kid and I am friends with other parents of kids who are difficult. I know that I have done my best to supervise and keep track of my difficult child at gatherings over the years and I am sure that there are times when I got caught up in conversations and missed things because I am human. And, I know i have an embarrassing story or two - I have three kids so sometimes, I was paying attention but to the wrong one.

Thinking back, and not being in the moment, I think I would want myself to have done the following in OP's shoes. I would hope that I showed up to whatever the event was, looking great, with a lot of wine and advil and said something like "I know Larlo has been tough to be around and I'm doing my best. Let's have some wine." And I wouldn't mean it in a spiteful or sarcastic way. Just an acknowledgment and way to move on. After a glass or two, the awkwardness would be gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sad part is the other participants must have felt the same way or said the same things behind your back for her to even have the gall to say that. None of these people are your friends.

This is my guess too. There have been a lot of discussions about your child behind your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is nice that they are including your child. He must be a nightmare. Be glad you have friends and laugh it off.

This, OP. Right now he’s a handful, but they include him. I think it says a lot about how much they like you- meaning they like you a lot. PIA kids usually get sidelined. Be very thankful and really observe your son- work with him on things that clearly drive other people crazy. It will make a better life for both of you.

This- if you want to salvage this group, don't think of it as badmouthing- think of it as a gift of the truth, and try to address with humor, grace, and yes, better behavior. If you get pissy, fine, they will cut you out. A big relief to all of them I'd bet. You are the one who needs to scrape and bow, unfortunately. If not, you have to let the group go.

Ew, no. Nobody needs that kind of toxicity in their life. I don't "scrape and bow" for myself in any context, and certainly not for my child.

This. There have been several threads lately specifically calling out women who grovel to be part of the “in” mom group. These women suck, OP. Grow a backbone and call them out. Then move on.

There’s so much talk about male toxicity and the patriarchal system, but more often than not, it’s women who put other women down to make themselves feel better. What a pathetic attitude to live with.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't quit this group dramatically, I'd just slowly work on finding a new tribe. No need to give them more ammunition. I'm glad that some moms at least sent you kind messages. I still think they are likely gossiping about your kid, but at least you know they have manners.

[Anonymous]

Op should use this as a reality check to get her kids behavior under control before the invites stop all together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d have Dad take him to the party. Clearly these women are mean and they aren’t worth being around.

I’d also think about switching schools if that makes sense (depending on how big an issue behaviors are), or at least evaluate who you are close enough to text. Real friends will accept your child and not talk about them behind your back.

This seems like a reasonable and measured response to a mean text message: move to a different school district.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would reply - I'm sorry, XX you feel that way about Larlo. XXX, I appreciate the invitation but based off this text its best we decline the invitation. I don't want to put Larlo in a situation where he isn't welcome by everyone.

^^Perfection.

Absolutely not! Don’t punish your kid because some mom finds him loud, and then act all sulky for missing it because of a “mean” mom. Heck, I need Advil and wine for every birthday party and appreciate every single parent who brought their kid to my kids’ birthday parties. It’s awkward but it’s not totally mean what she said. So stay light, and you’ve got some suggestions. Your kid is not perfect and but so is this mother. She just got her foot in her mouth, so just stay light.

Yeah it's the jerk mom who needs decline the invitation. Not the victim.

Honestly, life is too short for that kind of power play to try to force that. I say that as the mom of the "unique" kid - everything got MUCH easier when I focused our social lives on the people who liked my son and didn't engage in mean gossip.

DP. I take no issue with either approach. Do what is best for you OP in the context that you have, that we don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op should use this as a reality check to get her kids behavior under control before the invites stop all together.

This sounds like a passive aggressive “Queen Bee” comment. Where is the Raid?! Hopefully OP isn’t in your orbit.