Why do husbands never leave for the affair partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not a fan of the saying but it has proven true from what I’ve seen- there are girls you marry and girls you f***. I also don’t think the point of an affair is to fall in love and marry. It’s about sex

LOL keep telling yourself that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve had an AP for three years and we both like our spouses except the marriages are sexless. There is a lot about my wife that I prefer over my AP and my AP is not someone I’d want to marry. She’s fun, likes sex and there are NSA.

Those strings will hang you when one of your spouse’s finds out. And they will. You will regret every minute you spent with that AP. The light of day reveals how truly ugly she is...trust me. They will flip on u.

No. Worst case is the spouse finds out and they divorce. If not for his AP again his only option is divorce. In no scenario does he regret sex with AP.

When he loses his wife and kids and begs and cries and moans in agony all for a woman he never loved, wasn’t that attractive and used for sex...yeah he’s pretty upset he risked all of that for a skank. 9 times out of 10 they tell their therapist if they could go back in time they never would have done it. However, you can’t unf@ck that donkey, so the damage is done.

What in the world are you even talking about? It's just sex. Get over it. Nobody cares!
A divorced dad "loses his kids" exactly the same as his wife does: it is called 50/50. And there is no LOSS when a sexless wife finally decides she no longer wants to be your platonic room mate.

The thing you fail to understand is this: a sexless marriage is ALREADY over. Divorce is absolutely zero threat because there is nothing left to lose in the dead sexless marriage, only everything to gain by an affair to "save" the dead marriage.

What do you mean, it's over? The top comment from a guy says that even though the marriage is sexless, he prefers his wife over the AP and wouldn't want to marry the AP. That marriage isn't dead at all. There's all kinds of things to lose there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No. Worst case is the spouse finds out and they divorce. If not for his AP again his only option is divorce. In no scenario does he regret sex with AP.


I agree with this.

You live in a fairtytale. When a cheater’s spouse finds out, it unleashed trauma on the betrayed spouse. Even the most selfish cheater would have to be stone cold to not regret inflicting that on someone they had built a life with. And them when affairs blow up it’s not nearly as neat and tidy as getting a simple divorce. Kids usually find out about the affair and resent the cheating parent and end up with a skewed view of relationships. This does not all happen in a vacuum.

You say "trauma unleashed on the betrayed spouse" and I say "hypocritical sexless platonic room mate spouse discovers that their celibacy is incompatible with a monogamous relationship to a normal person"

Again, the PP you are responding to is in a sexless marriage. His affair is NOT what blew up that marriage. That marriage blew up when his asexual wife decided to be a platonic room mate. Stop blame shifting.

He didn't say his marriage blew up. As a matter of fact, he says he prefers his wife over the AP for marriage purposes, regardless of lack of sex.

[Anonymous]

It also might be partly because the AP/OW is also married and they are not looking for anyone to leave.

Not all affairs are 'exit' affairs. Sometimes its folks who know staying married is in their (and the kids best interest)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It also might be partly because the AP/OW is also married and they are not looking for anyone to leave.

Not all affairs are 'exit' affairs. Sometimes its folks who know staying married is in their (and the kids best interest)

Well- it’s certainly not in the betrayed spouse’s interest. F@ck that. Get the f@ck our of my house with your drippy cheating d@ck.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have seen so many examples of men or women successfully divorcing over an affair but DCUM for whatever reason keeps insisting that it never happens, and if it does, it is going to be a crap show, etc. The only difference that I've seen is again the lack of money, the lack of social status, the lack of career on both sides, the lack of character to make a decision and co-dependent relationships. If you are attached to this person financially, emotionally and do not have means to move on, or willpower to change, or your mind/upbringing tells you that's the only choice to hold on onto a marriage no matter what then okay but why try to delude yourself into thinking that it's what happens to everyone?

It never is good for the children. Never. Cheaters tell themselves otherwise because to believe they are responsible for that is too much. The same delusion they used to justify their affair carries over to the divorce.

Sure anyone can have a amicable divorce, that's to be hoped for. Of course it only takes one to keep the fight going.

The biggest problem is the kids will find out about the cheating, there's no way not to. I've seen where they don't want to see the other parent, or they have a strained relationship later on.
It depends.

If divorcing parents are telling their kids about affairs, be certain to provide equal details on the state of marital sex life prior to the affair. Assuming your kids are not dumb, they will appreciate the affair was essential to keeping their parent's sexless marriage together. And if they judge anybody, they will wonder why the sexless parent suddenly is making sex a dealbreaker issue (yet how can sex be important if they aren't even having any?)

Sure. I screwed your dad 3-4 times per week the entire marriage. I indulged in 3-somes with him early in the marriage and he got blown by the females.

He then decided to lie to you and me, miss driving you to practice and spend a weekend away from us and some of your days off from school with an old whore

Very few marriages are having sex 3-4 times per week. Of those, an infinitesimally small percentage does the man have an affair.
Thanks for covering the fractions-of-percentile affair scenario with your helpful post.

Nope. It’s way more common than you think and most of these cheaters have sex addiction issues and/or extremely high libidos. Sexless marriage guy just assumes every situation is the same as his. He is also very angry at his own wife. It comes out in his posts.

+1. NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men have affairs in order to STAY in their sexless marriage (because.... kids, house, finances, whatever).

Women, too. I'm one of them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have seen so many examples of men or women successfully divorcing over an affair but DCUM for whatever reason keeps insisting that it never happens, and if it does, it is going to be a crap show, etc. The only difference that I've seen is again the lack of money, the lack of social status, the lack of career on both sides, the lack of character to make a decision and co-dependent relationships. If you are attached to this person financially, emotionally and do not have means to move on, or willpower to change, or your mind/upbringing tells you that's the only choice to hold on onto a marriage no matter what then okay but why try to delude yourself into thinking that it's what happens to everyone?

It never is good for the children. Never. Cheaters tell themselves otherwise because to believe they are responsible for that is too much. The same delusion they used to justify their affair carries over to the divorce.

Sure anyone can have a amicable divorce, that's to be hoped for. Of course it only takes one to keep the fight going.

The biggest problem is the kids will find out about the cheating, there's no way not to. I've seen where they don't want to see the other parent, or they have a strained relationship later on.
It depends.

If divorcing parents are telling their kids about affairs, be certain to provide equal details on the state of marital sex life prior to the affair. Assuming your kids are not dumb, they will appreciate the affair was essential to keeping their parent's sexless marriage together. And if they judge anybody, they will wonder why the sexless parent suddenly is making sex a dealbreaker issue (yet how can sex be important if they aren't even having any?)

Sure. I screwed your dad 3-4 times per week the entire marriage. I indulged in 3-somes with him early in the marriage and he got blown by the females.

He then decided to lie to you and me, miss driving you to practice and spend a weekend away from us and some of your days off from school with an old whore

Very few marriages are having sex 3-4 times per week. Of those, an infinitesimally small percentage does the man have an affair.
Thanks for covering the fractions-of-percentile affair scenario with your helpful post.

Nope. It’s way more common than you think and most of these cheaters have sex addiction issues and/or extremely high libidos. Sexless marriage guy just assumes every situation is the same as his. He is also very angry at his own wife. It comes out in his posts.

+1. NP

+2. DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It also might be partly because the AP/OW is also married and they are not looking for anyone to leave.

Not all affairs are 'exit' affairs. Sometimes its folks who know staying married is in their (and the kids best interest)

Well- it’s certainly not in the betrayed spouse’s interest. F@ck that. Get the f@ck our of my house with your drippy cheating d@ck.

They may not plan them to be “exit” affairs, but that’s what they ultimately become when their spouse’s find out 90% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Most men have affairs in order to STAY in their sexless marriage (because.... kids, house, finances, whatever).


Women, too. I'm one of them.



+1

The rationalization is amazing. If you aren't getting the sex you need in your marriage, be an adult and have a conversation about it, or divorce. "I do it to stay in my marriage" - like you are doing your betrayed spouse a favor? It's such bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Most men have affairs in order to STAY in their sexless marriage (because.... kids, house, finances, whatever).


Women, too. I'm one of them.



+1

The rationalization is amazing. If you aren't getting the sex you need in your marriage, be an adult and have a conversation about it, or divorce. "I do it to stay in my marriage" - like you are doing your betrayed spouse a favor? It's such bs.

NP. Of course they're doing betrayed spouse a favor if they actually do stay in the marriage and practice safe sex with AP. If spouse wanted a divorce, he/she would ask for one. They haven't, so they don't. Everyone is best off when the higher drive spouse is safely getting extra on the side AS LONG AS betrayed spouse remains in the dark. When that happens, it truly is in everyone's best intetest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Most men have affairs in order to STAY in their sexless marriage (because.... kids, house, finances, whatever).


Women, too. I'm one of them.



+1

The rationalization is amazing. If you aren't getting the sex you need in your marriage, be an adult and have a conversation about it, or divorce. "I do it to stay in my marriage" - like you are doing your betrayed spouse a favor? It's such bs.

My marriage is open. I can't imagine there are a lot of people who would judge me less for that than for having a normal affair. It's definitely not something I tell people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m genuinely curious about this, read this thread a lot. Seems like there are decent number of husbands who have affairs, sometimes even years in length. But they rarely leave the wife, the couple either reconciles or the wife files for divorce. In my actual life, I only know of three instances when a husband divorced and married the affair partner.

The allure is in the illicit affair.
No guy wants to marry the chick he’s secretly banging the fun is all gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don't? Huh, that's news to me. Someone should have told my ex he wasn't supposed to leave his family for his AP........I'm sorry, his soulmate.

+1

My STBX moved out a month ago and his AP is moving in with him next month. I think it will last because they’re both getting older and it will be difficult for them to find another exit strategy. It’s clear neither one of them of them will move on without a new person in the wings.

And yes, he can afford to keep up two households. Not sure about three though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They do. My exhusband married his affair partner as soon as our divorce was finalized. You want hard? Try having the woman who broke up your marriage raise your children half the time.

18:53 here. This is my future. He’s already pushing introductions and I’m digging my heels in for as long as reasonably possible. One of my kids is still in diapers. Too bad I don’t believe in karma. I’ve seen too many a-holes living footloose and fancy free, even though they are human trash.
I know my STBX and he will suffer little to no consequences. Losing 50% of time with his kids isn’t a consequence, in his mind.