1/4 of US Women may quit their jobs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just having a kid impacted my career in a way that makes me the one best positioned to step back from work in this situation. I got mommy-tracked when I was pregnant ("we have to take this off your hands since you won't be here for closing"), struggled to catch up when I came back from maternity leave, and wound up transferring to a more flexible position with minimal travel before my kid turned one because I was so miserable and stressed (and dealing with PPD) that I had to scale back somewhere.

So yes, my career is the easiest to hit pause on now, because it already took a huge hit in both trajectory and pay several years ago. This isn't me "stepping back". This is an economic system that just ignores pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood as valuable acts, and the people who perform the get screwed. The end.

Stop blaming women for not conquering institutionalized sexism all by themselves with individual choices that are often dictated by forces beyond our control.

Why were you miserable and stressed? I am a lawyer and my husband and I have flip flopped between who makes more. After our twins were born and I went back to work after maternity leave, HE stepped up to ensure that I had an easier time returning from work. I basically had to focus on myself and spend time with my kids and he handled the other issues like childcare, groceries, cooking, etc.

You say that our current economic system ignores parenthood and the people who perform that task get screwed, but what you really mean is WOMEN. Yes, men can't be pregnant, and they can't give birth, but beyond that, take some ownership of your own choices and those of your husband. My husband doesn't have an easy job or one that doesn't require travel, but he MADE it happen after we had kids, because it shouldn't be all on me.

I know it's easier to yell at someone who sounds like they're criticizing your life choices, so ok. But maybe spend some time really reflecting about what exactly happened in your situation and how your husband could have been the one to make changes in his career to help our so that you weren't so miserable or stressed. Also, I'm not saying there aren't issues in our society, because there are, but I just find it a little cringe-inducing when people refuse to acknowledge any responsibility whatsoever for their own actions.

Smug. Privileged.

Yes, I am privileged. But given that PP was saying she was missing out on closings and had a job that required travel, I doubt she was working retail or some other lower-level job before she had kids, so she is also likely very privileged. If the privileged women and their husbands don't try to do something about the current situation, who do you think will? They are exactly the people who are positioned to make some sort of meaningful change, not some GS-7 who doesn't have any leverage. And smug? You can call me that if you want, but not if you're going to use it as an excuse to not doing anything. I think women AND MEN should push harder for better changes that make workplaces more friendly to women who have children. Those women need to not be treated as second-class citizens, and the dads should be granted similar flexibility to contribute as parents. If you want to just call me names and dismiss that, then fine, but I'll still keep fighting for better circumstances for working moms. You're welcome.

Hey working moms: On top of everything else you're dealing with, I regret to inform you that it's your own fault. Maybe you made poor "choices" (such as the selection of your mate?). And as usual, it's on you: to "reflect," "take ownership" and "acknowledge" your own responsibility for this sorry state of affairs.

PP, when you say that you are "fighting for better circumstances for working moms," I'd love to know what that means to you. I really hope that it entails more than just telling UMC women on message boards how they should think about their situations. Congratulations to you and your DH for making everything work, with your many resources and flexibilities. When I say "smug, privileged," it's also because I doubt that you see beyond the problems of UMC women at all.

How many maids, busdrivers and grocery store moms are quitting their jobs? You may think you aren't part of the privileged class pp, but you are. If you can even consider quitting your job, knowing that your spouse's job will keep you and your kids in a house , clothed and food on the table you are privileged.

I'm not the same pp who was talking about quitting her job; I agree with you and that's not my point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You can help me by being willing to hire me if I have 10 years’ more experience than the 30 yo you hired instead, and by not saying my 6 month resume gap meant I “lacked recent experience” and “wasn’t current”. You could help by not judging me so harshly when that became a 3-year gap, and not seeing it as a betrayal of working women everywhere. Plenty of us SAHMs never planned to be a SAHM, but one job loss and a million biased men and women on hiring committees have decided that we’re some kind of lesser species to be avoided and/or shamed.

+1000 Thank you!

That sounds great, but then you expect to be hired to the same title/position and salary as the women who didn't take 3 years off, you also expect to be able to take abundant time off and endless extensions, because kids.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just having a kid impacted my career in a way that makes me the one best positioned to step back from work in this situation. I got mommy-tracked when I was pregnant ("we have to take this off your hands since you won't be here for closing"), struggled to catch up when I came back from maternity leave, and wound up transferring to a more flexible position with minimal travel before my kid turned one because I was so miserable and stressed (and dealing with PPD) that I had to scale back somewhere.

So yes, my career is the easiest to hit pause on now, because it already took a huge hit in both trajectory and pay several years ago. This isn't me "stepping back". This is an economic system that just ignores pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood as valuable acts, and the people who perform the get screwed. The end.

Stop blaming women for not conquering institutionalized sexism all by themselves with individual choices that are often dictated by forces beyond our control.

Why were you miserable and stressed? I am a lawyer and my husband and I have flip flopped between who makes more. After our twins were born and I went back to work after maternity leave, HE stepped up to ensure that I had an easier time returning from work. I basically had to focus on myself and spend time with my kids and he handled the other issues like childcare, groceries, cooking, etc.

You say that our current economic system ignores parenthood and the people who perform that task get screwed, but what you really mean is WOMEN. Yes, men can't be pregnant, and they can't give birth, but beyond that, take some ownership of your own choices and those of your husband. My husband doesn't have an easy job or one that doesn't require travel, but he MADE it happen after we had kids, because it shouldn't be all on me.

I know it's easier to yell at someone who sounds like they're criticizing your life choices, so ok. But maybe spend some time really reflecting about what exactly happened in your situation and how your husband could have been the one to make changes in his career to help our so that you weren't so miserable or stressed. Also, I'm not saying there aren't issues in our society, because there are, but I just find it a little cringe-inducing when people refuse to acknowledge any responsibility whatsoever for their own actions.

Smug. Privileged.

Yes, I am privileged. But given that PP was saying she was missing out on closings and had a job that required travel, I doubt she was working retail or some other lower-level job before she had kids, so she is also likely very privileged. If the privileged women and their husbands don't try to do something about the current situation, who do you think will? They are exactly the people who are positioned to make some sort of meaningful change, not some GS-7 who doesn't have any leverage. And smug? You can call me that if you want, but not if you're going to use it as an excuse to not doing anything. I think women AND MEN should push harder for better changes that make workplaces more friendly to women who have children. Those women need to not be treated as second-class citizens, and the dads should be granted similar flexibility to contribute as parents. If you want to just call me names and dismiss that, then fine, but I'll still keep fighting for better circumstances for working moms. You're welcome.

I am the PP you are criticizing. Yes, you are smug and privileged. Let me tell you how.

Both my husband and I would have loved for him to step in more to help me return to work. But then his father was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer a few months before our baby was born. That made a lot of things harder for everyone. And that's not an uncommon story -- many people start to see their parents' health decline around the time they have kids. If you didn't have to worry about this, congrats. But that doesn't make you a better planner than me. It makes you lucky. Privileged. Smug.

So actually, my husband was stepping back at work. He was also stepping back at home. His parents are not wealthy and we spent a lot of time trying to help make sure his father was getting healthcare, or just trying to make sure he got time with his grandchild. That was stressful for my husband and for me, and neither of our jobs was particularly supportive, because we live in a culture where people think that a problem like struggling with childcare, or struggling with elder care, or just struggling with mental health because all of that is a lot is an INDIVIDUAL problem and not a community problem. We both felt isolated and stressed. We were under resourced. If that was not your experience, it doesn't make you a better feminist. It makes you lucky. Privileged. Smug.

And guess what? Taking a step back at work solved a lot of our problems. It helped me get my postpartum depression under control, because it reduced the total number of stressors in my life. It allowed me to spend time with my kid, which was the ONE thing during that time that actually felt good and worthwhile. It also reduced how much my husband and I fought, and enabled us to visit his parents more at a difficult time. Having him step back at work wouldn't necessarily have accomplished any of those things -- unlike my job, his job was already pretty flexible with a lot of vacation time. And while he loves our child, he was not dealing with PPD because he had not gone through pregnancy, childbirth, or any of its accompanying hormonal changes. If your family didn't have to contend with these issues, that doesn't mean you have a superior marriage or a better husband. It means you are lucky. Privileged. Smug.

And finally, just to put this one to rest, my husband and I are not UMC. We are pretty firmly middle class, and like the vast majority of families in this country (though perhaps not the majority of people on DCUM) we work hard but still sometimes struggle to make ends meet. We cannot always just write a check (to a nanny, a daycare, a housecleaner, a meal delivery person -- all of whom are people who likely also struggle to make ends meet sometimes). If that's not you, congrats! You are lucky. You are privileged. And yes, you are smug.

Women who think we can solve gender inequality by marrying the "right" men, by outsourcing childcare and home care, by negotiating raises and promotions, etc. -- all you are doing is creating a bubble of UMC, mostly white, women who have the illusion of equality. That's not feminism. It's the same old white supremacist capitalism we've always have. You aren't fighting for better circumstances for working moms. You're fighting for yourself and women who are just like you. Fighting for working moms, for families in general, means the following: universal healthcare, universal childcare, universal preK, and funded parental leave programs. For everyone, not just high paid attorneys married to other high paid attorneys. So maybe advocate for that stuff instead of telling me on the internet that the reason I'm struggling right now (in a goddamn pandemic) is because I made the mistake of not being you.

You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just having a kid impacted my career in a way that makes me the one best positioned to step back from work in this situation. I got mommy-tracked when I was pregnant ("we have to take this off your hands since you won't be here for closing"), struggled to catch up when I came back from maternity leave, and wound up transferring to a more flexible position with minimal travel before my kid turned one because I was so miserable and stressed (and dealing with PPD) that I had to scale back somewhere.

So yes, my career is the easiest to hit pause on now, because it already took a huge hit in both trajectory and pay several years ago. This isn't me "stepping back". This is an economic system that just ignores pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood as valuable acts, and the people who perform the get screwed. The end.

Stop blaming women for not conquering institutionalized sexism all by themselves with individual choices that are often dictated by forces beyond our control.

Why were you miserable and stressed? I am a lawyer and my husband and I have flip flopped between who makes more. After our twins were born and I went back to work after maternity leave, HE stepped up to ensure that I had an easier time returning from work. I basically had to focus on myself and spend time with my kids and he handled the other issues like childcare, groceries, cooking, etc.

You say that our current economic system ignores parenthood and the people who perform that task get screwed, but what you really mean is WOMEN. Yes, men can't be pregnant, and they can't give birth, but beyond that, take some ownership of your own choices and those of your husband. My husband doesn't have an easy job or one that doesn't require travel, but he MADE it happen after we had kids, because it shouldn't be all on me.

I know it's easier to yell at someone who sounds like they're criticizing your life choices, so ok. But maybe spend some time really reflecting about what exactly happened in your situation and how your husband could have been the one to make changes in his career to help our so that you weren't so miserable or stressed. Also, I'm not saying there aren't issues in our society, because there are, but I just find it a little cringe-inducing when people refuse to acknowledge any responsibility whatsoever for their own actions.

Smug. Privileged.

Yes, I am privileged. But given that PP was saying she was missing out on closings and had a job that required travel, I doubt she was working retail or some other lower-level job before she had kids, so she is also likely very privileged. If the privileged women and their husbands don't try to do something about the current situation, who do you think will? They are exactly the people who are positioned to make some sort of meaningful change, not some GS-7 who doesn't have any leverage. And smug? You can call me that if you want, but not if you're going to use it as an excuse to not doing anything. I think women AND MEN should push harder for better changes that make workplaces more friendly to women who have children. Those women need to not be treated as second-class citizens, and the dads should be granted similar flexibility to contribute as parents. If you want to just call me names and dismiss that, then fine, but I'll still keep fighting for better circumstances for working moms. You're welcome.

I am the PP you are criticizing. Yes, you are smug and privileged. Let me tell you how.

Both my husband and I would have loved for him to step in more to help me return to work. But then his father was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer a few months before our baby was born. That made a lot of things harder for everyone. And that's not an uncommon story -- many people start to see their parents' health decline around the time they have kids. If you didn't have to worry about this, congrats. But that doesn't make you a better planner than me. It makes you lucky. Privileged. Smug.

So actually, my husband was stepping back at work. He was also stepping back at home. His parents are not wealthy and we spent a lot of time trying to help make sure his father was getting healthcare, or just trying to make sure he got time with his grandchild. That was stressful for my husband and for me, and neither of our jobs was particularly supportive, because we live in a culture where people think that a problem like struggling with childcare, or struggling with elder care, or just struggling with mental health because all of that is a lot is an INDIVIDUAL problem and not a community problem. We both felt isolated and stressed. We were under resourced. If that was not your experience, it doesn't make you a better feminist. It makes you lucky. Privileged. Smug.

And guess what? Taking a step back at work solved a lot of our problems. It helped me get my postpartum depression under control, because it reduced the total number of stressors in my life. It allowed me to spend time with my kid, which was the ONE thing during that time that actually felt good and worthwhile. It also reduced how much my husband and I fought, and enabled us to visit his parents more at a difficult time. Having him step back at work wouldn't necessarily have accomplished any of those things -- unlike my job, his job was already pretty flexible with a lot of vacation time. And while he loves our child, he was not dealing with PPD because he had not gone through pregnancy, childbirth, or any of its accompanying hormonal changes. If your family didn't have to contend with these issues, that doesn't mean you have a superior marriage or a better husband. It means you are lucky. Privileged. Smug.

And finally, just to put this one to rest, my husband and I are not UMC. We are pretty firmly middle class, and like the vast majority of families in this country (though perhaps not the majority of people on DCUM) we work hard but still sometimes struggle to make ends meet. We cannot always just write a check (to a nanny, a daycare, a housecleaner, a meal delivery person -- all of whom are people who likely also struggle to make ends meet sometimes). If that's not you, congrats! You are lucky. You are privileged. And yes, you are smug.

Women who think we can solve gender inequality by marrying the "right" men, by outsourcing childcare and home care, by negotiating raises and promotions, etc. -- all you are doing is creating a bubble of UMC, mostly white, women who have the illusion of equality. That's not feminism. It's the same old white supremacist capitalism we've always have. You aren't fighting for better circumstances for working moms. You're fighting for yourself and women who are just like you. Fighting for working moms, for families in general, means the following: universal healthcare, universal childcare, universal preK, and funded parental leave programs. For everyone, not just high paid attorneys married to other high paid attorneys. So maybe advocate for that stuff instead of telling me on the internet that the reason I'm struggling right now (in a goddamn pandemic) is because I made the mistake of not being you.

You're welcome.

Right on! I am the other PP in that thread who originally said "smug, privileged" and this is EXACTLY what I was trying to convey -- but you said it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just having a kid impacted my career in a way that makes me the one best positioned to step back from work in this situation. I got mommy-tracked when I was pregnant ("we have to take this off your hands since you won't be here for closing"), struggled to catch up when I came back from maternity leave, and wound up transferring to a more flexible position with minimal travel before my kid turned one because I was so miserable and stressed (and dealing with PPD) that I had to scale back somewhere.

So yes, my career is the easiest to hit pause on now, because it already took a huge hit in both trajectory and pay several years ago. This isn't me "stepping back". This is an economic system that just ignores pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood as valuable acts, and the people who perform the get screwed. The end.

Stop blaming women for not conquering institutionalized sexism all by themselves with individual choices that are often dictated by forces beyond our control.

Why were you miserable and stressed? I am a lawyer and my husband and I have flip flopped between who makes more. After our twins were born and I went back to work after maternity leave, HE stepped up to ensure that I had an easier time returning from work. I basically had to focus on myself and spend time with my kids and he handled the other issues like childcare, groceries, cooking, etc.

You say that our current economic system ignores parenthood and the people who perform that task get screwed, but what you really mean is WOMEN. Yes, men can't be pregnant, and they can't give birth, but beyond that, take some ownership of your own choices and those of your husband. My husband doesn't have an easy job or one that doesn't require travel, but he MADE it happen after we had kids, because it shouldn't be all on me.

I know it's easier to yell at someone who sounds like they're criticizing your life choices, so ok. But maybe spend some time really reflecting about what exactly happened in your situation and how your husband could have been the one to make changes in his career to help our so that you weren't so miserable or stressed. Also, I'm not saying there aren't issues in our society, because there are, but I just find it a little cringe-inducing when people refuse to acknowledge any responsibility whatsoever for their own actions.

Smug. Privileged.

Yes, I am privileged. But given that PP was saying she was missing out on closings and had a job that required travel, I doubt she was working retail or some other lower-level job before she had kids, so she is also likely very privileged. If the privileged women and their husbands don't try to do something about the current situation, who do you think will? They are exactly the people who are positioned to make some sort of meaningful change, not some GS-7 who doesn't have any leverage. And smug? You can call me that if you want, but not if you're going to use it as an excuse to not doing anything. I think women AND MEN should push harder for better changes that make workplaces more friendly to women who have children. Those women need to not be treated as second-class citizens, and the dads should be granted similar flexibility to contribute as parents. If you want to just call me names and dismiss that, then fine, but I'll still keep fighting for better circumstances for working moms. You're welcome.

I am the PP you are criticizing. Yes, you are smug and privileged. Let me tell you how.

Both my husband and I would have loved for him to step in more to help me return to work. But then his father was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer a few months before our baby was born. That made a lot of things harder for everyone. And that's not an uncommon story -- many people start to see their parents' health decline around the time they have kids. If you didn't have to worry about this, congrats. But that doesn't make you a better planner than me. It makes you lucky. Privileged. Smug.

So actually, my husband was stepping back at work. He was also stepping back at home. His parents are not wealthy and we spent a lot of time trying to help make sure his father was getting healthcare, or just trying to make sure he got time with his grandchild. That was stressful for my husband and for me, and neither of our jobs was particularly supportive, because we live in a culture where people think that a problem like struggling with childcare, or struggling with elder care, or just struggling with mental health because all of that is a lot is an INDIVIDUAL problem and not a community problem. We both felt isolated and stressed. We were under resourced. If that was not your experience, it doesn't make you a better feminist. It makes you lucky. Privileged. Smug.

And guess what? Taking a step back at work solved a lot of our problems. It helped me get my postpartum depression under control, because it reduced the total number of stressors in my life. It allowed me to spend time with my kid, which was the ONE thing during that time that actually felt good and worthwhile. It also reduced how much my husband and I fought, and enabled us to visit his parents more at a difficult time. Having him step back at work wouldn't necessarily have accomplished any of those things -- unlike my job, his job was already pretty flexible with a lot of vacation time. And while he loves our child, he was not dealing with PPD because he had not gone through pregnancy, childbirth, or any of its accompanying hormonal changes. If your family didn't have to contend with these issues, that doesn't mean you have a superior marriage or a better husband. It means you are lucky. Privileged. Smug.

And finally, just to put this one to rest, my husband and I are not UMC. We are pretty firmly middle class, and like the vast majority of families in this country (though perhaps not the majority of people on DCUM) we work hard but still sometimes struggle to make ends meet. We cannot always just write a check (to a nanny, a daycare, a housecleaner, a meal delivery person -- all of whom are people who likely also struggle to make ends meet sometimes). If that's not you, congrats! You are lucky. You are privileged. And yes, you are smug.

Women who think we can solve gender inequality by marrying the "right" men, by outsourcing childcare and home care, by negotiating raises and promotions, etc. -- all you are doing is creating a bubble of UMC, mostly white, women who have the illusion of equality. That's not feminism. It's the same old white supremacist capitalism we've always have. You aren't fighting for better circumstances for working moms. You're fighting for yourself and women who are just like you. Fighting for working moms, for families in general, means the following: universal healthcare, universal childcare, universal preK, and funded parental leave programs. For everyone, not just high paid attorneys married to other high paid attorneys. So maybe advocate for that stuff instead of telling me on the internet that the reason I'm struggling right now (in a goddamn pandemic) is because I made the mistake of not being you.

You're welcome.

*applause* Great post..I do think it’s somewhat wasted on a clueless fool like PP who thinks scolding women on dcum constitutes fighting for better circumstances for working moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really feel for parents of small kids and kids with SN. I on the other hand feel LESS stressed about work since the pandemic. My kids have taken to distance learning fine, and instead of WFH 2-3 days a week I know WFH permanently as does DH who rarely WHF before. We both traveled infrequently but still, travel schedules have obviously been wiped clear for a couple of years likely.

My company has done a great job with giving people a ton of options to manage family, and leaders set the tone on zoom with super casual clothes, kids in the bg, and are encouraging shorter zoom meetings and time to disconnect. That said, I know of one mom of small kids in my org who has to quit so far.

What kind of workplace/agency/industry do you work in?

[Anonymous]

I am the PP you are criticizing. Yes, you are smug and privileged. Let me tell you how.

Both my husband and I would have loved for him to step in more to help me return to work. But then his father was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer a few months before our baby was born. That made a lot of things harder for everyone. And that's not an uncommon story -- many people start to see their parents' health decline around the time they have kids. If you didn't have to worry about this, congrats. But that doesn't make you a better planner than me. It makes you lucky. Privileged. Smug.

So actually, my husband was stepping back at work. He was also stepping back at home. His parents are not wealthy and we spent a lot of time trying to help make sure his father was getting healthcare, or just trying to make sure he got time with his grandchild. That was stressful for my husband and for me, and neither of our jobs was particularly supportive, because we live in a culture where people think that a problem like struggling with childcare, or struggling with elder care, or just struggling with mental health because all of that is a lot is an INDIVIDUAL problem and not a community problem. We both felt isolated and stressed. We were under resourced. If that was not your experience, it doesn't make you a better feminist. It makes you lucky. Privileged. Smug.

And guess what? Taking a step back at work solved a lot of our problems. It helped me get my postpartum depression under control, because it reduced the total number of stressors in my life. It allowed me to spend time with my kid, which was the ONE thing during that time that actually felt good and worthwhile. It also reduced how much my husband and I fought, and enabled us to visit his parents more at a difficult time. Having him step back at work wouldn't necessarily have accomplished any of those things -- unlike my job, his job was already pretty flexible with a lot of vacation time. And while he loves our child, he was not dealing with PPD because he had not gone through pregnancy, childbirth, or any of its accompanying hormonal changes. If your family didn't have to contend with these issues, that doesn't mean you have a superior marriage or a better husband. It means you are lucky. Privileged. Smug.

And finally, just to put this one to rest, my husband and I are not UMC. We are pretty firmly middle class, and like the vast majority of families in this country (though perhaps not the majority of people on DCUM) we work hard but still sometimes struggle to make ends meet. We cannot always just write a check (to a nanny, a daycare, a housecleaner, a meal delivery person -- all of whom are people who likely also struggle to make ends meet sometimes). If that's not you, congrats! You are lucky. You are privileged. And yes, you are smug.

Women who think we can solve gender inequality by marrying the "right" men, by outsourcing childcare and home care, by negotiating raises and promotions, etc. -- all you are doing is creating a bubble of UMC, mostly white, women who have the illusion of equality. That's not feminism. It's the same old white supremacist capitalism we've always have. You aren't fighting for better circumstances for working moms. You're fighting for yourself and women who are just like you. Fighting for working moms, for families in general, means the following: universal healthcare, universal childcare, universal preK, and funded parental leave programs. For everyone, not just high paid attorneys married to other high paid attorneys. So maybe advocate for that stuff instead of telling me on the internet that the reason I'm struggling right now (in a goddamn pandemic) is because I made the mistake of not being you.

You're welcome.

Standing up and cheering. Cutting and pasting this to save. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just having a kid impacted my career in a way that makes me the one best positioned to step back from work in this situation. I got mommy-tracked when I was pregnant ("we have to take this off your hands since you won't be here for closing"), struggled to catch up when I came back from maternity leave, and wound up transferring to a more flexible position with minimal travel before my kid turned one because I was so miserable and stressed (and dealing with PPD) that I had to scale back somewhere.

So yes, my career is the easiest to hit pause on now, because it already took a huge hit in both trajectory and pay several years ago. This isn't me "stepping back". This is an economic system that just ignores pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood as valuable acts, and the people who perform the get screwed. The end.

Stop blaming women for not conquering institutionalized sexism all by themselves with individual choices that are often dictated by forces beyond our control.

Why were you miserable and stressed? I am a lawyer and my husband and I have flip flopped between who makes more. After our twins were born and I went back to work after maternity leave, HE stepped up to ensure that I had an easier time returning from work. I basically had to focus on myself and spend time with my kids and he handled the other issues like childcare, groceries, cooking, etc.

You say that our current economic system ignores parenthood and the people who perform that task get screwed, but what you really mean is WOMEN. Yes, men can't be pregnant, and they can't give birth, but beyond that, take some ownership of your own choices and those of your husband. My husband doesn't have an easy job or one that doesn't require travel, but he MADE it happen after we had kids, because it shouldn't be all on me.

I know it's easier to yell at someone who sounds like they're criticizing your life choices, so ok. But maybe spend some time really reflecting about what exactly happened in your situation and how your husband could have been the one to make changes in his career to help our so that you weren't so miserable or stressed. Also, I'm not saying there aren't issues in our society, because there are, but I just find it a little cringe-inducing when people refuse to acknowledge any responsibility whatsoever for their own actions.

Smug. Privileged.

Yes, I am privileged. But given that PP was saying she was missing out on closings and had a job that required travel, I doubt she was working retail or some other lower-level job before she had kids, so she is also likely very privileged. If the privileged women and their husbands don't try to do something about the current situation, who do you think will? They are exactly the people who are positioned to make some sort of meaningful change, not some GS-7 who doesn't have any leverage. And smug? You can call me that if you want, but not if you're going to use it as an excuse to not doing anything. I think women AND MEN should push harder for better changes that make workplaces more friendly to women who have children. Those women need to not be treated as second-class citizens, and the dads should be granted similar flexibility to contribute as parents. If you want to just call me names and dismiss that, then fine, but I'll still keep fighting for better circumstances for working moms. You're welcome.

I am the PP you are criticizing. Yes, you are smug and privileged. Let me tell you how.

Both my husband and I would have loved for him to step in more to help me return to work. But then his father was diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer a few months before our baby was born. That made a lot of things harder for everyone. And that's not an uncommon story -- many people start to see their parents' health decline around the time they have kids. If you didn't have to worry about this, congrats. But that doesn't make you a better planner than me. It makes you lucky. Privileged. Smug.

So actually, my husband was stepping back at work. He was also stepping back at home. His parents are not wealthy and we spent a lot of time trying to help make sure his father was getting healthcare, or just trying to make sure he got time with his grandchild. That was stressful for my husband and for me, and neither of our jobs was particularly supportive, because we live in a culture where people think that a problem like struggling with childcare, or struggling with elder care, or just struggling with mental health because all of that is a lot is an INDIVIDUAL problem and not a community problem. We both felt isolated and stressed. We were under resourced. If that was not your experience, it doesn't make you a better feminist. It makes you lucky. Privileged. Smug.

And guess what? Taking a step back at work solved a lot of our problems. It helped me get my postpartum depression under control, because it reduced the total number of stressors in my life. It allowed me to spend time with my kid, which was the ONE thing during that time that actually felt good and worthwhile. It also reduced how much my husband and I fought, and enabled us to visit his parents more at a difficult time. Having him step back at work wouldn't necessarily have accomplished any of those things -- unlike my job, his job was already pretty flexible with a lot of vacation time. And while he loves our child, he was not dealing with PPD because he had not gone through pregnancy, childbirth, or any of its accompanying hormonal changes. If your family didn't have to contend with these issues, that doesn't mean you have a superior marriage or a better husband. It means you are lucky. Privileged. Smug.

And finally, just to put this one to rest, my husband and I are not UMC. We are pretty firmly middle class, and like the vast majority of families in this country (though perhaps not the majority of people on DCUM) we work hard but still sometimes struggle to make ends meet. We cannot always just write a check (to a nanny, a daycare, a housecleaner, a meal delivery person -- all of whom are people who likely also struggle to make ends meet sometimes). If that's not you, congrats! You are lucky. You are privileged. And yes, you are smug.

Women who think we can solve gender inequality by marrying the "right" men, by outsourcing childcare and home care, by negotiating raises and promotions, etc. -- all you are doing is creating a bubble of UMC, mostly white, women who have the illusion of equality. That's not feminism. It's the same old white supremacist capitalism we've always have. You aren't fighting for better circumstances for working moms. You're fighting for yourself and women who are just like you. Fighting for working moms, for families in general, means the following: universal healthcare, universal childcare, universal preK, and funded parental leave programs. For everyone, not just high paid attorneys married to other high paid attorneys. So maybe advocate for that stuff instead of telling me on the internet that the reason I'm struggling right now (in a goddamn pandemic) is because I made the mistake of not being you.

You're welcome.

AMEN!

PP is also lucky and privileged that she happens to make as much or nearly as much as her spouse. Statistically, there is a massive gender gap and the majority of men still significantly out-earn most women. And in many cases, for a middle class family, having the higher-earning spouse take a step back from their career is not financially feasible. Not everyone can be a family of attorneys. Someone has to teach our children and repair our plumbing, and they are just as valuable as the lawyers.