PLEASE HELP! Urgent Situation With My Mom In California.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally different situation than you but my homeless drug addicted brother called me out of his mind in the middle of the night about 10 years ago from LA. I directed him to go to the hospital and begged for them to take him and hold him for as long as possible. He was suicidal so that kept him there long enough for me to book him a flight to DC. As soon as he was released he somehow convinced someone to drive him to the airport. Ended up on the flight and made it to DC and never looked back. It’s easier to help family when they are living nearby. I was totally helpless when he was in LA. Good luck OP!

Similar situation with my alcoholic BIL who we flew from LA 10 years ago after his enabling parents died. He is still a miserable drunk, but the calls from the police are at 11 pm not 3 am

He had all the excuses of your mother but he is more manageable here.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of supports opening now, especially for elders. But, OP, I cannot stress this enough: She has to do the work.

You can call around for emergency services in her area. A wellness check from the police may get her on the road to acquiring services. But, she will have to go through the process of applications and long lines herself.

Moving the problem here only makes it your problem. And, I don't mean your mother, I mean the financial issues and the absence of any willingness to make necessary changes.

You can research options from here, but she has to follow through. Outside of government, there are all sorts of small social service agencies that do this kind of work all the time. They are better equipped than you are to locate food, housing, detox, workforce readiness, and mental health services.

It's not easy to watch your mother go through this, OP. But, it's her journey.

Continue to provide the emotional support you said she is asking you for, and empower her with knowledge of local resources. It's up to her to walk in and start the process.

I'd start with that wellness check.

Best of luck to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Another thought. You said that the shelters near her in California were full. There are a ton of shelters in the NoVa area including a number just for women. You should call around tomorrow and find out if there are any that have openings. I'm fairly certain that there are. If you find a shelter with an open space, then pay the change fee for her ticket, fly her out to VA and put her in a shelter. If it is close enough, she can come over during the days to allow you to work and not have to multi-task to help kids with their on-line learning and try to work with your boss blowing up your phone. You ask your mother to supervise the kids. If your kids miss a few days of remote learning, it won't be the end of the world. Then you can focus on working.

When you mother objects, just tell her that this is temporary. You can agree that if and when the stay at home orders in California are relaxed, she can contact her old boss. If her boss offers her her old job back, tell her you will buy her the plane ticket to go back to California and resume working. If not, keep her here. The shelter should be a good place for her to stay until either the stay at home orders are cleared and she can resume working, her unemployment payments come through, or until you. lease expires. If your lease expires and she is still in the shelter and still cannot return to California, you can find a slightly bigger place to have her move in. Yes, I understand the pure stress you will be under trying to live in the same home with your mother and all of the problems from your problematic childhood, but the stress of living under the same roof is likely to be less than the stress of trying to multitask working full time, caring for 2 children including schoolwork and trying to help your mother 3300 miles away. If you can just get her here, in a shelter so that you aren't worrying about her surviving the next few hours, that should be worth something.

Your mother cannot stay in California. The temperatures are already hot (80s) and rising. Even if you get her a new car, she won't be able to afford the gas to keep the engine running to run the A/C. At her age and with the dangers of Covid-19 it is very dangerous for her. Between the heat and the pandemic, she's in a lot of danger right now. She needs shelter and food and while you might be able to afford a car, she would then need insurance. She may be uninsured now because she doesn't have a car payment. If you buy a car on a loan with a car payment, the bank/loan holder will require her to have insurance and the first premium will be due before she can take possession of the car. A new car, even a used one, is not a realistic option. Shelters are full. She has no where to stay, can't survive the heat and pandemic; she cannot stay in California.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thought. You said that the shelters near her in California were full. There are a ton of shelters in the NoVa area including a number just for women. You should call around tomorrow and find out if there are any that have openings. I'm fairly certain that there are. If you find a shelter with an open space, then pay the change fee for her ticket, fly her out to VA and put her in a shelter. If it is close enough, she can come over during the days to allow you to work and not have to multi-task to help kids with their on-line learning and try to work with your boss blowing up your phone. You ask your mother to supervise the kids. If your kids miss a few days of remote learning, it won't be the end of the world. Then you can focus on working.

When you mother objects, just tell her that this is temporary. You can agree that if and when the stay at home orders in California are relaxed, she can contact her old boss. If her boss offers her her old job back, tell her you will buy her the plane ticket to go back to California and resume working. If not, keep her here. The shelter should be a good place for her to stay until either the stay at home orders are cleared and she can resume working, her unemployment payments come through, or until you. lease expires. If your lease expires and she is still in the shelter and still cannot return to California, you can find a slightly bigger place to have her move in. Yes, I understand the pure stress you will be under trying to live in the same home with your mother and all of the problems from your problematic childhood, but the stress of living under the same roof is likely to be less than the stress of trying to multitask working full time, caring for 2 children including schoolwork and trying to help your mother 3300 miles away. If you can just get her here, in a shelter so that you aren't worrying about her surviving the next few hours, that should be worth something.

Your mother cannot stay in California. The temperatures are already hot (80s) and rising. Even if you get her a new car, she won't be able to afford the gas to keep the engine running to run the A/C. At her age and with the dangers of Covid-19 it is very dangerous for her. Between the heat and the pandemic, she's in a lot of danger right now. She needs shelter and food and while you might be able to afford a car, she would then need insurance. She may be uninsured now because she doesn't have a car payment. If you buy a car on a loan with a car payment, the bank/loan holder will require her to have insurance and the first premium will be due before she can take possession of the car. A new car, even a used one, is not a realistic option. Shelters are full. She has no where to stay, can't survive the heat and pandemic; she cannot stay in California.

Most have residency requirements so flying mom out without a clear bed is a really bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all clueless pps here who can't understand how people are poor! This is how! Generational poverty is a thing. Don't be so smug, you a**holes.
OP is trying to move away from her mom's bad influence and mistakes and in the end, her mom will bring her down. Being born to her mom and dad has already set her life trajectory for the most part. But, then they come to bite you again, and again, and again.

It is appalling that for all the supposed brains and money here people are so ignorant of the real world for many in this country. I guess when you can buy you kid’s way into good schools, you have to separate yourself from reality. They don’t want to be around the unwashed masses, but seem to have a lot of advice about how to deal with them on an affordable individual level.

So much bad advice here (like, mom to VA to live with you, and presto, the problem is solved). IDIOCY.

No one is saying problem is solved. you are being ridiculous! Better to have mom near by than in a parking lot somewhere in CA. There is no simple fix folks thinking outside of box and trying to offer ideas. In fact in many countries everyone just lives together and makes do, kind of what we are suggesting OP does. Not great, but whatelse can she do you can't figure out CA social services for someone living in a car long distance. Hell I'd rather my mom be living on the street in my neighborhood than across the coutnry, at lease I can help her navigate social services locally, feed her and give her a place to be during the day/evening!

Also, if the solution is for mom to live in a car, wouldn’t it be easier for her to live in OP’s car in Virginia for a few weeks?

I’m not saying this is ideal but it makes more sense than spending the money in California. Then OP can help her find a studio for poor senior citizens Once things open up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all clueless pps here who can't understand how people are poor! This is how! Generational poverty is a thing. Don't be so smug, you a**holes.
OP is trying to move away from her mom's bad influence and mistakes and in the end, her mom will bring her down. Being born to her mom and dad has already set her life trajectory for the most part. But, then they come to bite you again, and again, and again.

It is appalling that for all the supposed brains and money here people are so ignorant of the real world for many in this country. I guess when you can buy you kid’s way into good schools, you have to separate yourself from reality. They don’t want to be around the unwashed masses, but seem to have a lot of advice about how to deal with them on an affordable individual level.

So much bad advice here (like, mom to VA to live with you, and presto, the problem is solved). IDIOCY.

No one is saying problem is solved. you are being ridiculous! Better to have mom near by than in a parking lot somewhere in CA. There is no simple fix folks thinking outside of box and trying to offer ideas. In fact in many countries everyone just lives together and makes do, kind of what we are suggesting OP does. Not great, but whatelse can she do you can't figure out CA social services for someone living in a car long distance. Hell I'd rather my mom be living on the street in my neighborhood than across the coutnry, at lease I can help her navigate social services locally, feed her and give her a place to be during the day/evening!

Also, if the solution is for mom to live in a car, wouldn’t it be easier for her to live in OP’s car in Virginia for a few weeks?

I’m not saying this is ideal but it makes more sense than spending the money in California. Then OP can help her find a studio for poor senior citizens Once things open up again.

+1. For several reasons, if you go the car route, it should be here, not CA.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I don’t understand the intricacies of this but wouldn’t your mom have been better off with unemployment benefits for the time being than retiring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I don’t understand the intricacies of this but wouldn’t your mom have been better off with unemployment benefits for the time being than retiring?

It’s Thursday. So Monday morning quarterbacking is a tad late

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she need a car at all? Can you pay rent for her in a cheap motel/single room type of situation for a month or so until she starts receiving benefits? I would think that would be way more beneficial than sleeping in a car!

+1! Buying her a car to sleep in doesn’t make much sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There are a lot of supports opening now, especially for elders. But, OP, I cannot stress this enough: She has to do the work.

You can call around for emergency services in her area. A wellness check from the police may get her on the road to acquiring services. But, she will have to go through the process of applications and long lines herself.

Moving the problem here only makes it your problem. And, I don't mean your mother, I mean the financial issues and the absence of any willingness to make necessary changes.

You can research options from here, but she has to follow through. Outside of government, there are all sorts of small social service agencies that do this kind of work all the time. They are better equipped than you are to locate food, housing, detox, workforce readiness, and mental health services.

It's not easy to watch your mother go through this, OP. But, it's her journey.

Continue to provide the emotional support you said she is asking you for, and empower her with knowledge of local resources. It's up to her to walk in and start the process.

I'd start with that wellness check.

Best of luck to you, OP.

This. Mom has to be on board with what happens to Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thought. You said that the shelters near her in California were full. There are a ton of shelters in the NoVa area including a number just for women. You should call around tomorrow and find out if there are any that have openings. I'm fairly certain that there are. If you find a shelter with an open space, then pay the change fee for her ticket, fly her out to VA and put her in a shelter. If it is close enough, she can come over during the days to allow you to work and not have to multi-task to help kids with their on-line learning and try to work with your boss blowing up your phone. You ask your mother to supervise the kids. If your kids miss a few days of remote learning, it won't be the end of the world. Then you can focus on working.

When you mother objects, just tell her that this is temporary. You can agree that if and when the stay at home orders in California are relaxed, she can contact her old boss. If her boss offers her her old job back, tell her you will buy her the plane ticket to go back to California and resume working. If not, keep her here. The shelter should be a good place for her to stay until either the stay at home orders are cleared and she can resume working, her unemployment payments come through, or until you. lease expires. If your lease expires and she is still in the shelter and still cannot return to California, you can find a slightly bigger place to have her move in. Yes, I understand the pure stress you will be under trying to live in the same home with your mother and all of the problems from your problematic childhood, but the stress of living under the same roof is likely to be less than the stress of trying to multitask working full time, caring for 2 children including schoolwork and trying to help your mother 3300 miles away. If you can just get her here, in a shelter so that you aren't worrying about her surviving the next few hours, that should be worth something.

Your mother cannot stay in California. The temperatures are already hot (80s) and rising. Even if you get her a new car, she won't be able to afford the gas to keep the engine running to run the A/C. At her age and with the dangers of Covid-19 it is very dangerous for her. Between the heat and the pandemic, she's in a lot of danger right now. She needs shelter and food and while you might be able to afford a car, she would then need insurance. She may be uninsured now because she doesn't have a car payment. If you buy a car on a loan with a car payment, the bank/loan holder will require her to have insurance and the first premium will be due before she can take possession of the car. A new car, even a used one, is not a realistic option. Shelters are full. She has no where to stay, can't survive the heat and pandemic; she cannot stay in California.

Most have residency requirements so flying mom out without a clear bed is a really bad idea.

This is true of many senior services in my home state. What surprised me about the affordable senior housing in my VA county is that there were allowances for parents of residents. Of course, mom must be capable of living independently in that mainstream facility. If she’s been homeless for awhile she will likely need other services.

[Anonymous]

Try to find a social services agency in LA and call there, don't fly your mom out. Subsidized housing has long lines (even before COVID) and you have to provide lots of paperwork to sign up, it's a long process and it's even longer out of state. I mean, you could put her on a waiting list now, and she can fly in if it ever opens up, but don't fly her in now.

(Sorry if this is too late, I read the first pages and then skipped to the end.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this OP, but I will ask again just in case it’s an option: would your Mom be willing to move to Mexico? It doesn’t have to be Tijuana, but there are some really nice options for California retirees in the Rosarito and Ensenada areas, even if they don’t speak Spanish. I think your Mom possibly could make a nice life there’s on her Social Security. It really is worth considering. Best of luck to you both.

It's true that lots of Americans live well on Social Security in Rosarito, Ensenada and San Felipe. That said, Mexico is not for everyone and there are a lot of COVID cases in Baja California now. Is she willing/able to move to a less popular part of California? Cost of living in places like Imperial County, Ridgecrest, San Joaquin Valley, Sierras (except near Lake Tahoe) is much lower than in the major cities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thought. You said that the shelters near her in California were full. There are a ton of shelters in the NoVa area including a number just for women. You should call around tomorrow and find out if there are any that have openings. I'm fairly certain that there are. If you find a shelter with an open space, then pay the change fee for her ticket, fly her out to VA and put her in a shelter. If it is close enough, she can come over during the days to allow you to work and not have to multi-task to help kids with their on-line learning and try to work with your boss blowing up your phone. You ask your mother to supervise the kids. If your kids miss a few days of remote learning, it won't be the end of the world. Then you can focus on working.

When you mother objects, just tell her that this is temporary. You can agree that if and when the stay at home orders in California are relaxed, she can contact her old boss. If her boss offers her her old job back, tell her you will buy her the plane ticket to go back to California and resume working. If not, keep her here. The shelter should be a good place for her to stay until either the stay at home orders are cleared and she can resume working, her unemployment payments come through, or until you. lease expires. If your lease expires and she is still in the shelter and still cannot return to California, you can find a slightly bigger place to have her move in. Yes, I understand the pure stress you will be under trying to live in the same home with your mother and all of the problems from your problematic childhood, but the stress of living under the same roof is likely to be less than the stress of trying to multitask working full time, caring for 2 children including schoolwork and trying to help your mother 3300 miles away. If you can just get her here, in a shelter so that you aren't worrying about her surviving the next few hours, that should be worth something.

Your mother cannot stay in California. The temperatures are already hot (80s) and rising. Even if you get her a new car, she won't be able to afford the gas to keep the engine running to run the A/C. At her age and with the dangers of Covid-19 it is very dangerous for her. Between the heat and the pandemic, she's in a lot of danger right now. She needs shelter and food and while you might be able to afford a car, she would then need insurance. She may be uninsured now because she doesn't have a car payment. If you buy a car on a loan with a car payment, the bank/loan holder will require her to have insurance and the first premium will be due before she can take possession of the car. A new car, even a used one, is not a realistic option. Shelters are full. She has no where to stay, can't survive the heat and pandemic; she cannot stay in California.

Most have residency requirements so flying mom out without a clear bed is a really bad idea.

I'm talking about homeless shelters, not senior residences. Homeless shelters provide for people with no fixed address. How can there be a residency requirement for people who have no home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all clueless pps here who can't understand how people are poor! This is how! Generational poverty is a thing. Don't be so smug, you a**holes.
OP is trying to move away from her mom's bad influence and mistakes and in the end, her mom will bring her down. Being born to her mom and dad has already set her life trajectory for the most part. But, then they come to bite you again, and again, and again.

It is appalling that for all the supposed brains and money here people are so ignorant of the real world for many in this country. I guess when you can buy you kid’s way into good schools, you have to separate yourself from reality. They don’t want to be around the unwashed masses, but seem to have a lot of advice about how to deal with them on an affordable individual level.

So much bad advice here (like, mom to VA to live with you, and presto, the problem is solved). IDIOCY.

No one is saying problem is solved. you are being ridiculous! Better to have mom near by than in a parking lot somewhere in CA. There is no simple fix folks thinking outside of box and trying to offer ideas. In fact in many countries everyone just lives together and makes do, kind of what we are suggesting OP does. Not great, but whatelse can she do you can't figure out CA social services for someone living in a car long distance. Hell I'd rather my mom be living on the street in my neighborhood than across the coutnry, at lease I can help her navigate social services locally, feed her and give her a place to be during the day/evening!

If anything is ridiculous, it's that mess you call a post.

The PP is being anything BUT ridiculous, he/she is one of the only people speaking with any *real* world insight.

Questions such as "why doesn't your mom have any savings at her age?" are clearly from people who only know their own first world problems, and they sound ignorant, sheltered and VERY misinformed.

Posters like that should be embarrassed.